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Living overseas

Whether you're considering emigrating or an expat abroad, you'll find likeminds on this forum.

Original poster

Struggling with being an expat

120 replies

Notahappyexpat · 13/03/2018 10:53

We have lived abroad for 10 years - I did enjoy it and it’s way better for the children & husband - they love it and I know our quality of life is better than it would be in the UK... however in the last year I have developed an almost physical dislike for expat life.

The women I meet are awful (bitchy, unsupportive, wildly competitive re children), it’s not English speaking so hard to get a job (and if I do get a job it will be full time due to my career and then have no help with children), I miss my old friends and have painted this rose coloured picture of what my life would be like if I was back in the UK.

Anyone else gone through this - will it get better? Am I just having a mid life crisis? What can I do to get out of this rut / depression - going back to UK used to make me realise how lucky we were with our life but now it’s not

OP posts:
Goosegettingfat · 29/05/2018 21:35

Oh no rayray! What was his response?

I have sort of decided that if DHs company aren't prepared to discuss paying international school fees for dc by July, I will start to think about maybe going home with the kids. Which is awful, as I know it will break DHs heart. (I'm suggesting long distance relationship temporarily, not ditching him btw!)

Humphriescushion · 29/05/2018 21:36

Me too nothappy. It is really hard atm. No real advice just to let you know you are not alone - as you can see from this thread.
And user14 - your post struck a real chord with me - you are so right about the school situation, was a very strange experience and even more so with hindsight! And what you said about everyone have a wonderful time - while i feel lonely and isolated and not good enough for the "in crowd"that is exactly what it is like.

RayRayBidet · 29/05/2018 22:10

He didn't say much to be honest. I have spoken to him before about how miserable I am feeling.
I think what makes things worse is that I have tried to make friends and everyone I meet seems not very happy and have been in our country for years.
One lady I am friendly with said that she has been there 24 years and still isn't keen but says she is too old to start again so has accepted it. She is fluent in the local language, 3 kids grown up there, knows loads of people.
Doesn't give me much hope.
DH likes it there.
Three members of my family have died and my mum had cancer last year so I think it's just brought home to me that what's the point of living in a big house (which I was never bothered about) and feeling lonely and sad.
I feel like a totally pointless person, all I do is waste my time till another long day is over.
Thanks for listening.

Goosegettingfat · 30/05/2018 05:59

Rayray will you say where you are/ how old your kids are? Are they happy?

Candyflip · 30/05/2018 06:05

I hear you about the rose coloured glasses. I live in the US though, so it is clear why mine come out. We will be moving on soon and I hope that we find somewhere better.

RayRayBidet · 30/05/2018 07:35

Germany, Bavaria, kids are 10 and 7.
DH has had to travel a lot (which was not part of the deal).
DH is not British and can speak German.

Yesiamhappy · 30/05/2018 08:58

Sounds bad but it’s good to know I am not alone - so sorry that you are all feeling the same though.

Have got anti depressants from the Dr so hopefully that will help for a bit and give me some head space to sort out what I want to do

I know exactly what you mean about being a pointless person Rayray - not a nice feeling at all

Xx

Yesiamhappy · 30/05/2018 09:02

Humphrie - I came off social media because I was fed up of all those posts about how their life was amazing - even though you know it’s not. Plus the whole bragging about being involved / invited to everything 🙄

I think I need a good friend to moan about it all with 🙈. But don’t trust the friends I have here

RayRayBidet · 30/05/2018 09:07

Yesiam
I am really glad I found this thread. DH while sympathetic to an extent I feel would prefer it if I just shut up.
I am so angry with myself for agreeing to it, I had reservations but I let myself be persuaded.
Also we are not on a fixed term, his job is not an expat role so we have no date to leave.

Goosegettingfat · 30/05/2018 09:35

Rayray - me too! Pm me to see if we're near each other? (I can't figure out how to do it as clearly I am dense) probably not as it's a big place but it sounds as though you and I are in very similar situations. Rest assured you don't know me already. I don't know anyone British!!!

sayyatiddaknini · 30/05/2018 09:51

I can really sympathise with you esp RayRayBidet and Goosegettingfat. That was me for 5 years. Saying I was coming back to UK then dithering and feeling guilty about leaving DH. Eventually I came back last summer with the DC and quite frankly I wish I had done it when I first started talking about it! It's not easy but the DC are happier and I prefer it here overall. The time away has done some (repairable I hope) damage to my two eldest DC. So my point is, the longer you leave it, it's not just you who is suffering.

The only thing I miss apart from DH is the space and the weather and really a big, beautiful house alone does not make you happy. I used to feel so miserable in my ivory tower.

Yesiamhappy · 30/05/2018 10:13

Yes we are on a fixed contract too so no end date in sight

Let me know if you meet up with goosefat -depending on where you both are I might be able to join you guys ☕️🥂

RayRayBidet · 30/05/2018 10:21

Our house is big but not beautiful! There are many things about it that annoy me.
I thought visiting the UK would help but tbh I think it makes it worse. I dread coming before because I know how hard it will be to leave. I have a really nice time and actually feel like myself unless people ask me how I'm enjoying living abroad then the last few days are awful dreading leaving.
Don't want to go.

RayRayBidet · 30/05/2018 10:28

sayyatiddaknini the guilt is the worst. We uprooted them once and it's awful to think of doing it again. The eldest has particularly struggled with that. But now she is doing really well with the language and has a group of friends. Did your DH stay in the other country?

RayRayBidet · 30/05/2018 10:28

Yesiam
Sure will Grin

sayyatiddaknini · 30/05/2018 11:25

RayRayBidet, yes my DH has stayed in other country. He comes back quite a bit but it's not the same. I totally get you re the coming back home thing for holidays. I used to dread it too as I knew how hard it was to go back.

RayRayBidet · 30/05/2018 12:12

The thing is I used to live 1hr 30 away from family in my very rural, northern home town and I used to sometimes feel a pang when leaving (we were often over at weekends and school holidays) but I could tell myself that I liked where we lived, I had loads of friends, a job I enjoyed and so it wasn't all bad. I have nothing to tell myself now because I can't think of much that I like.
I suppose I didn't get off to a good start I had lots of plans but because of DH suddenly having to start travelling with work nearly every week and then the family we lost and my mum being ill I haven't done anything for me.
I feel like I have to choose between everyone else's happiness or my own.
It must be hard being in different countries, but at least if you are having to do a lot but you are happy where you are.... I am sat on my own most nights once the kids are in bed.
I should learn the language more, I do know some but not enough to work. Tbh though I don't have the energy.

RayRayBidet · 30/05/2018 12:14

Thanks for listening everyone, I have no one to talk to in real life, I really appreciate being able to vent. You have no idea what it means to me x

Cinnamus · 30/05/2018 12:29

I live abroad but speak the local language. Hate the expat bubble so avoid it if possible!
Can I ask, why don't you learn the local language?

sayyatiddaknini · 30/05/2018 12:48

Aw RayRayBidet, I totally get you. When you are miserable just getting through the day is enough to zap all energy out of you. Learning a language is hard and if you don't have anyone to practice on it's even harder. I was the same as you, sitting in my ivory tower each day and night as DH was always working/travelling. At least back at home I'm lonely in a happy place!

Is there a FB group you can join or another forum? There was a really active one where I lived and it was a life-saver for me.

RayRayBidet · 30/05/2018 13:11

Honestly I think we live in the wrong place. We're in a commuter dormitory outside a big city. I am in some fb groups but it seems like everything is going on in town. Because school is only till 12.30 and I have no emergency help if I got delayed I'm a bit stuck as rely on public transport.
I think we would have been better off socially.
Cinnamus I already speak quite a bit but it isn't enough to work or have a proper conversation with a friend. I had a lot of plans to do that. Tbh now I don't like it and I don't want to waste my time when I am so lacking in motivation. I won't learn anything. Also, I don't know anyone to speak to.

RayRayBidet · 30/05/2018 13:12

*better off socially in town I meant. It's just old people here during the day

Yesiamhappy · 30/05/2018 14:07

Is so get what you mean re learning the language - when I liked living here classes were fun - now it’s like being in quicksand - I have no motivation and seen to be forgetting the stuff I used to know quicker than I am learning new stuff

RayRayBidet · 30/05/2018 14:49

Yes, you need to be motivated or it''s like pulling teeth

Goosegettingfat · 30/05/2018 21:27

Sayyat can I ask if you and DH are still properly together? And if so, how long you think you'll remain in different countries?

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