Struggling with being an expat

[Notahappyexpat]

We have lived abroad for 10 years - I did enjoy it and it’s way better for the children & husband - they love it and I know our quality of life is better than it would be in the UK... however in the last year I have developed an almost physical dislike for expat life.

The women I meet are awful (bitchy, unsupportive, wildly competitive re children), it’s not English speaking so hard to get a job (and if I do get a job it will be full time due to my career and then have no help with children), I miss my old friends and have painted this rose coloured picture of what my life would be like if I was back in the UK.

Anyone else gone through this - will it get better? Am I just having a mid life crisis? What can I do to get out of this rut / depression - going back to UK used to make me realise how lucky we were with our life but now it’s not

Can't carry on with accountancy because UK qualifications are not recognised here and I don't have anywhere near enough German to study the German version

Do you have to be in Germany if he travels so much? Would it be possible for him to do that from the UK?

I was the settled expat with a very well paid job in the country and I learnt the language but my DP wouldn't settle and went back to the UK with our 2 DS and I eventually followed. Beyond our initial discussion about it I have never told him my frustration but I still seriously miss the job, the pay and tax rate. However, I do know what you mean about some of the wives and it not being normal.

More sane friends have learnt the language, started a job in the expat community (e.g. lingerie selling), or done a Open Uni degree/masters, taken up going to the gym/fitness etc. Why not start by thinking what you want to achieve for yourself in the country and what you could get out of the situation. Then make plans to fulfil it. This makes it useful for you as well rather than just being about your OH's job.

@RayRayBidet, don't be so hard on yourself, Germany IS a hard place to live in especially if you are from a country like the UK or US, or any of the commonwealth to be honest, as those countries are known for being initially welcoming and inclusive (as per the historical idea that you were living and working for the common wealth and good of its nations etc), Germany does not have that approach. People would rather be somewhat hostile until you show them that you are tough. I've joined my local TSG, sports club, and it was very horrifying for the first 6months. I was definitely the only foreigner attending some of the sessions. There are people in my town who have roads and fields named after their family name they've been here that long. Could you join your local TSG for yoga, or Pilates or something? Now after all of my efforts at integrating I am actually greeted at the post office or waved to in the street. I totally sympathise with how you feel about being ignored though. In the uk, I feel like people interact with others so much more, even with strangers on a day to day basis, like at the supermarket when dithering over which bread to buy or in the car park when looking for loose change someone will give you their unexpired ticket. I'm still waiting for someone to say excuse me in Germany rather than pushing themselves past me or squashing one of the DCs in the meantime.

Yesiam
He was supposed to work from home, that is what his contract is. The company then made loads of redundancies so those who are left have had to take on other stuff. If he was here he could pick up younger DD and get her doing homework if I am out or working.
BlueJava that was my plan at the beginning. I have just got so pissed off because I am sat on my own every night and limited on what I can do because school finishes at 12.25.
I wanted to have a second career, I don't want to be a sahm. But realistically, here I will never earn much. I hate not earning money of my own. I have worked since I was 14.
TeaAddict235 I was not at all prepared for the dog eat dog, every man for himself nature of the people here. I had no idea they were like this. People actually ram you with supermarket trolleys, barge in front of you and complain about the slightest bit of noise. They are mad! I was used to Austria where I find people much more friendly and they look you in the eye!
And the drivers are also terrible here!

RayRay I must say people are not like that once you get to know them. People here will really go out of their way for you once they know you. I was (literally) the only foreigner in the village for our first 6 years here (there is now a Czech woman, who was initially married to a local but quickly divorced him and stayed on with her kids, and who runs the children's branch of the volunteer fire brigade, no others) but I had it easier because I arrived heavily pregnant and with a very small, very sociable toddler, which breaks a whole lot of ice!)

It did take some neighbors literally years (by which I mean at least 2 full years) to pluck up the courage to speak to me. One such women I now can't get rid of - it took a lot to knock her idea that we'd go on holiday together a few years ago on the head - but seriously we help each other out on an almost daily basis as we have same age kids. She confessed that she was afraid of me at first because I must be so confident moving to a foreign country, and she was embarrassed that she has never been anywhere, can't speak English and thought I wouldn't understand her local non high German accent! Some unfriendliness is it just not being an effusive culture, and in the countryside with sahms some is low self esteem!

You could teach VHS locally during the school day if you wanted. The cities are overflowing with English teachers but little towns and big villages aren't. I ran a Friday morning 9:30 - 11am term time VHS class for three years from when my youngest started kindergarten, until I found something to swap the little part-time care home job I also found for which is too demanding to combine with teaching. The class was fully booked out and had no real turnover - one person dropped out and one new person joined in that time.

You could also study through distance learning while the kids are at school.

There are options, it's just your heart has to be in it. It isn't, so you need a move date set in stone, unless your husband can change jobs here to one with set hours. There is plenty of work here and if he has one job he can undoubtedly find a more family friendly one if he genuinely wants to.

rayray I moved to the US and took accounting qualifications here. I had a problem with no one recognizing my education and they discounted my experience once I was trying to leave my sector. I took the CPA exams and it was the best thing I did. It's a qualification that is recognized globally. The other one is CIMA.

Take the exams so you have them. There are so many companies who need accounting help and I would hire someone who is ACCA qualified. The ACCA route also gives you the option to earn a bachelor degree.

Another course worth consideration if you plan to return to the UK is the part time Manchester Business School MBA. It's what DH took and the quality of the program is there. He business school careers department have excellent links with British employers. I know they used to have funding to help offset the cost of the course for disadvantaged groups. Women returning to work is a disadvantaged group and I know one lady DH studied with who had her fees waived in full.

catinasplashofsunshine
I know they aren't rude when they know you, I just meant in public places they are bonkers. They do literally climb over you and never apologise! It's just very different and it was unexpected.
I don't want to teach at our VHS, I've been there a couple of times for other things and it's seriously like a graveyard. I want some life. My husband needs to be here is the bottom line.
Want2bSupermum I have only got as far as AAT level 2 but I thought you need to work in the industry if you want to go much further than that, I thought it was a requirement for the courses, might have got the wrong end of the stick. I had planned to look for a job and continue studying as I went. The AAT website says that Germany don't recognise it. I will ask around if anyone here has any experience thank you.

rayray It helps to work in industry but you don't have to. AAT won't be recognized like ACCA is. It's really worth getting yourself started with the ACCA exams.

I just asked my colleague. You need 3 years of experience for the ACCA. You can have none of the exams, some or all before you start gaining experience. If you have the AAT exams completed you have an exemption from the knowledge level exams and can move on to complete the skills before you complete the professional papers.

It's oxford brooks who awards the bachelor degree. You can also complete a MSc in professional accountancy through the university of London. My colleague said this was better than the bachelor.

Wow thanks for the info. I will get online and look into it

@RayRayBidet the drivers! It's either engine off or 6th gear! I really don't enjoy driving over here either. If only people were more considerate of one another in all circumstances, then the country would be a #1 holiday destination like the USA. If you fart in the US then someone will ask if you need help with anything. Seriously.

Try and do one good thing with the DC per week. This week I took them alone to get ice cream after Kindergarten pick up. I feel like it's helping me to feel at home bit by bit. DH often works away too, and just as back in the UK, I'm having to hold the fort and stay sane. The activities are small by UK measures, but they allow for little steps to be made. These are some of the things that I've done (often forcing myself to do it): visiting different libraries to find out about local noticeboards, visited local farms (especially the free petting zoo), visited street jumble sales (Flohmarkt) and haggled a little (embarrassingly), bought cake &coffee alone and people watched. The Freibad is Open, but I don't think that I'm quite yet there in terms of confidence to take the DC alone.

There is an expat community near to me, largely American, but about 20min drive from my town (the rental prices were too high any closer). But my town is very German.

@TeaAddict235
Learn to use your damn indicators people! There are loads of roundabouts here and it's embarrassing. I am on a one woman crusade of setting an example how to use a roundabout correctly!
I just miss having friends to hang out with and have a good chat because you just know each other. I have some acquaintances and they are nice people but we don't have any shared history and don't have much time to meet up.
Also I don't understand the fuss about beer gardens. I mean they are nice but the seats are uncomfortable so once I have eaten I want to leave and I can only drink one beer and then I can't hold any more liquid but people want to sit there all day!
School sports day tomorrow and I'm dreading it. Standing on my own boiling and being a Billy no mates.
DH is coming back tomorrow lunchtime so I'll let him get over his jet lag and then we need to talk

"I am on a one woman crusade of setting an example how to use a roundabout correctly! ", totally! If i happen to see a lady indicating on a roundabout tomorrow, I'll wave, it might be you . My DH is back tomorrow too. What's with these men and their jolly-to-dos?

Bless you and sports day though. Hopefully someone will stand alongside you. Maybe just go and take over the drinks stall? I saw a mum do this at the kindergarten summer fete last year. Bring lots of sun cream! Although, most people I know are super tanned and seem not to bother with it, oddly enough.

Apparently the police are going to be there and the fire brigade. I could try and chat them up. Probably end up getting arrested!

@RayRayBidet, how was sports day? Did you get to wear the fireman's hat? (No pun intended). DS1 can't wait to turn 6 so that he can join the mini-Feuerwehr. It's a really big thing here, which is really admirable. I thought that only in the US they were crazy about the Services (army, police, fire etc). Did your DC enjoy themselves? More to the point, did you?

It was OK, a bit hot. DD really enjoyed herself which was lovely.
DH is back and we went to the music school open day yesterday. Eldest is going to learn the piano and the younger is keen on the violin which she picked up and actually made nice noises on which is amazing for a first time. I used to play it at school but forgotten it all now.
Today we went to see some kittens. I highly recommend an hour in a roomful of playing kittens as therapy! Anyway we have decided to take two. If we leave I would happily take them with us so decided to go for it. They can come home in 2-3 weeks. At least I will have some company when DH is away. Just sat on the s bahn platform waiting for my train home. I came into the city to go to a knitting group and had a nice time. I'm trying!
Hope you have all had a good weekend.

Hi just saw this thread. RayRay it sounds like one of your biggest problems is your husband’s work pattern. I would be having a serious conversation with him about it. Life is far too short to feel that miserable. We live overseas but with a fixed date. We live in a country where we can afford a lot more domestic support. This has made a huge different for me. Plus I’m working. It’s okay to say I’ve tried it but it’s making me miserable. Does your husband take your feelings seriously?

Very impressed by the knitting group @RayRayBidet ! It's really big over here isn't it? You'll be so fluent before you know it; those close knit conversations are really good. It's very brave of yourself, so well done.

Checking in to say I am 12 or is it 13 years and counting. I will be going home but it will be in 5 years.

As others have said DH has been happy throughout as he has a purpose by having a career in an English speaking environment whereas I walked through treacle to try to integrate, with the shock of leaving my career then finding the childcare so poor here with kids coming home at lunchtime that it was impossible to get my career back!

we lived in accommodation though expensive really of a poorer quality compared to our UK property. Now changed to a house and life is better.

The effort to mix with the locals was huge, and when you do find yourself integrated you find their culture is unappealing.

Then after the first few waves of people visiting, it was only my dear old dad who continued to make the effort and now he is too old.

I am happier now as I have an end date, a house that looks a bit like my family houses back home, a garden, a job, a dog and my children now moved from local to school to an english speaking school.

@Starfish28
I think he is starting to take me more seriously. I have talked to him again about setting a date. He is seeing his boss this week to get more information on the working away situation. I am hoping for some guarantees about less travel as you are right that is what is stopping me.

@TeaAddict235
I had a nice time, the knitters were very friendly. I also wasn't the only foreigner so I felt a bit more comfortable. It was a pleasant evening.

Thanks all of you, this thread is really helping me. Just to know I'm not alone.

Hi Ray ray, just wanted to check in and say hi! I'm also in Bavaria with our 3 kids, have been since August. We live in Munich but more on the edge of the city.

I have days where I think it's really difficult, school day isn't long enough and I'm in and out the door all day!! DH was travelling loads before we came here and part the agreement was less travelling. So far he's been away for 2 weekends with work, then to a festival. It's horrible being alone at weekends. Apparently nothing else this year - we will see!

I've made a group of friends here but I'm not included in everything, plus I still have a toddler at home all day which limits me. It's still not the same, my German is basic and whilst their English is brilliant it's just not as natural.

I really like where we live and don't miss the UK in a weird way but I do miss our families and being part of everything that goes on. The family chat groups keep me going! DH doesn't seem to but then it's easy for him - fluent in German and at work all day in a job he loves! I'm at home wrapped in domesticity trying not to scoff all the Pinguis 😂😂

Glad to hear your DH is going to try to sort out things at work

Knitting group sounds good fun!

I'm jealous- I was recently thinking I wish there was a knitting group like I had in the uk!