So deeply unhappy

[Wehavetogoback]

Where do I start , I suppose I actually feel like I am mourning for the loss of my old life..

My old life was working full time in a job I loved with a monthly night out with the girls my own independence and a sense of purpose

I'm now 6 months in to a 3yr "adventure " with DH and kids...I've cried every day since arriving I hate it here with a passion .
I'm like a goldfish in a bowl all day we can't afford a second car tbh even with a car I have nowhere to go but at the moment DH needs to travel to various locations a day for work the kids are at school and I'm alone all day every day .. Where I live it's so hot with no pavements I can't even go for a walk

I don't have a degree so me getting a work permit is going to be almost impossible

The texts from friends are almost non existent probably because whenever I'm asked how it's going I reply it's fucking shit and I want to go home ..

We can't go home we have little savings ( that was a major point of coming out but it's way more expensive here than we thought plus setting up home ) no jobs, schools , car or home

I fell for the fucking live life to full memes , 9-5 life is dull have an adventure.

There are few expats here so I'd rather not say exactly where I am but I'm in Asia

I know I'm depressed I've spoken to a councillor here plus was prescribed Xanax nothing is helping

I didn't really end that just coming on for a vent and advice as really need to somehow get through this without developing a Xanax/alcohol addiction and or divorce

It sounds horrendous tbh my only rubbish suggestion is that you do an OU degree to at least give you a mental focus?

I'm sorry you're so down and tbh with such a shift in lifestyle, culture, support network (or lack thereof) it's not surprising.

Do you know anyone where you are? Parents from school? Meetup groups? Expat group? Fitness classes / gym? Volunteering? Study / retraining?

I know that when you are depressed, the last thing you want to do is go and find people but this will really help if you can.

How do you plan to be fulfilled in your new location? What will your "occupation" be? Whether you return to study, volunteer, set up your own business, find employment or simply pass the time with shopping and manicures (I know many expats who do and it's satisfying for them although not everyone). Most expat partners overlook this, but it's the difference between a miserable and an enjoyable expat life.

Didn't want to read and run. So sorry OP. I am a former expat and it takes time to adjust. Can you try to do one thing every week that will help? Coffee with another mum, then look into work permit, plan a day out with DH and the kids? Also tell your DH how you feel.

Also, please step away from the Xanax. It's a horrible drug and addictive. It's also not helpful for depression.

As much as you hate it, you seem to be torturing yourself instead of making the most of a bad situation. If going home isn't an option, then you need to find things to pass the time and try to occupy yourself. Join the gym, cook, read etc.

Sounds awful and quite frightening to be so trapped. Is there anything at all you can tap into?? Can you develop any sort of routine even if it's a bit shit? Where the hell are you? There needs to be something in this for you and your dh needs to listen and help. Can you go with him in the car everyday? Can you meet anyone online to meet up with?

Okay so you have to accept by sounds your stuck for the moment living where you are...so how about

Finding an expat club or joining any club to hopefully make friends?
Local gym or anything hobby wise to help make friends?
Start studying for a degree
See if there is any days where you can have car even if you need to drop DH off and pick him up.

OP, sorry to hear you are struggling. An overseas move can feel like a bereavement if things don't match the dream that got you to leave your UK home. But hang in there. Have you tried connecting to other expats via facebook groups? Invited school friends + mums back for play dates? Is there an embassy social club? Will your kids join any summer camp activities that you can volunteer at? I would strongly suggest that you scrape the money together for a 2nd car, it will make a massive difference to you. Or, can you connect with a local taxi driver, agree responsible fees for regular rides? If it's hot where you are, there's gonna be a pool somewhere. Get in the water & swim. Fab mood booster, especially when remembering cold pools & damp changing rooms in the UK I have found that making friends as an expat is much easier than meeting new people back in the UK. People are more open to new friendships when away from their support network. Keep buggering on and get a cheapo car if you can. In a few months, things will be better

Have you established that there is absolutely no way out? Because it sounds like this would be your preference and if it is possible there is no shame in that.

Can't comment on the ex-pat thing but please, please be careful with xanax. I developed an addiction to a similar drug a few years ago and it wasn't pleasant.

If you think some of it might be "actual" (sorry that sounds shit but hope you know what I mean) instead of it just been because of your situation then there is much, much safer medication.

Sorry if I'm preaching to the choir but xanax and diazepam are dished out like smarties in some country's and it's scary. There's a reason GP's are so reluctant to prescribe them.

That aside I'm sorry your feeling so bad

6 months was pretty low for me. As was 12 months, after we came back from a summer holiday back in the UK.
The savings did start after 6 months tho. Before then we were hemmorrhaging cash like it was going out of fashion. Then it slowed down, and the savings started.
But I also spend. I freely book taxis (illegal for me to drive here), and will accept invites out. I've failed on the job front (over qualified is the common theme), and so am concentrating on getting house work, shopping, me time out of the way during the school day, and being with the kids evenings - and the upcoming 3 month summer vacation.
On line learning is another possibility.

I joined a book club, a gym and anything else I could see. Had a regular (tho' dull) routine so people at least started to say hi.
Leapt onto anyone remotely friendly at playgroup drop off. Also, if you can afford, I found that expat facialists tended to know everyone and were a good source of info and also friends.
It is hard and I really feel for you.
We are now back in the UK, but in a new to us part so we are having to start over. It is quite tricky even with easy weather and being native. So so much harder when you are "foreign".
Good luck. First six months are generally agreed to be the hardest by everyone

Oh, OP, that sounds rotten for you.

6 months in is the absolute pits. The holiday feeling has worn off, but you're not yet in a settled place emotionally. You're correct when you say "mourning your old life", because when your life has changed that much, it really is like a loss. It is so, so hard to be the trailing spouse.

There's been loads of good advice on this thread, loads of which I heartily recommend. Have you tried things like Meetup or Expat Forum? How is your husband when you talk to him about this - is he enjoying the posting?

Sorry to hear you're struggling.

When we first moved abroad (we're 10 months in now) we got "culture training", as part of which we were told that there is an adjustment cycle that lasts at least 6 months.
i have moved countries several times in the past, and thought I'd be ok - I was more worried about how DH and the DCs would adjust. It turned out everyone else settled fine and I really struggled a lot for the first 7 months. It did help to know that this was quite normal and that there would be an end.
I don't want to minimise your depression- just to share my experience.

Also, as a PP said, our financial outgoings settled down after 6 months and we are now saving. I find life here very expensive too, but we do manage to put money by each month now.

One thing that helped and is helping me, is going on regional holidays. We can't go home more than once a year due to the exorbitant cost, but the local holidays are stunning and give me something to look forward to.

OP, I know you don't want to say where you are, but I am also in Asia and have contacts in many Asian cities.
I have been here 13 years and have a love hate relationship with it.

I am happy to chat with you via PM if you like. (I am at least in the same time zone)

Thank you all fire replying it makes me feel less invisible

I probably should make more of an effort I'm really down ( can you tell ) the problem is I'm not in a major expat hub like Singapore, Bangkok I'm in a remote ish location and it's so utterly dull ..

DH tbh doesn't like it much either but can put up with it but he goes to work and actually speaks to people so at least he gets an outlet .

I've heard 6 months is a low point but I've actually hated it from day one I suppose it can only get better ..Unless a snake gets in 😭

I've looked at OU courses but as an overseas student I can't get a loan and there is no way I'm spending thousands..I can't do a 3 year prison sentence and have no savings at the end of it ..

As some of you have said I need to just get on with it I can't go back the reasons we left as even though we both worked full time we lived pay cheque to pay cheque and couldn't never afford a house deposit so here we are !

Already had 2 mini breaks while being here and I'm distraught when we return as I'm not coming home just back to this house .

I know there is no magic solution but I literally didn't have anyone else to go to and as an old regular who left after mumsnet hacking I'm glad I've returned to posting again

Hi OP

sorry to hear you're having a shite time. I've lived abroad, but mine wasnt as bad as I had a fixed end date, and I wasn't a trailing spouse. And it STILL wasn't easy. I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be.

I've popped up to say please don't write off studying due to affordability . It literally saved my sanity a few years ago during a rough patch when I was very isolated. There are lots of free or cheap courses available. Languages are a good one, either the language of the place you are in, or one you've fancied learning like Italian or something. I'm a year into a challenge that I set myself to learn a language for free (in theory I could afford to pay for some resources but I'm stubborn) and am really surprised how far I've got just with a couple of apps and YouTube.

You are classed as a UK student for the basis of fees if you are out of the country on a temporary contract; e.g. The OU give you UK fees for the first three years of being abroad.

I'll contact OU again then as I must have been given incorrect information. I would definitely do one if I can get a loan

You say you can't go back but could you make smaller changes? Like living somewhere more central where you don't need a car for example?

Can you volunteer somewhere? Even at the kids school, could you help kids with reading one to one or something like that? It sounds like you are spending hours alone which can't be helping, as you say your DH has an outlet.
6 months is a low point, it has always been a low point for me, even in uk cities we lived in.
The OU is expensive from overseas. There are Asian companies looking for online English teachers. You don't need TEFL qualifications and the pay isn't bad. It would give you extra savings for when you get back to the UK, you'd have students to talk to (even if it's online) and planning to fill some of the day.

There are free online courses available via open university , futurelearn , coursera to name but a few. Some are accredited and/or can be certificated. Have the children settled, what social networks are available through their school/daycare? Were you working previously? It can be a difficult lifestyle change and takes at least 9 months ime to adjust. You may also need to rethink your expectations of yourself and others. Maybe google "trailing spouse" and look for related facebook/yahoo groups for advice and support.

OP, is there a branch of this group near to you?

www.internations.org/?&utm_source=google_adwords&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=internations&matchtype=e&utm_device=m&utm_content=Brand&utm_campaign=_Brand&gclid=CPqk3-K-tdQCFfEA0wodduwChA

Do the degree - then you'll return home more employable with a degree under your belt and higher earning potential, instead of less employable with a 3 year gap on your CV. So an investment not a waste of the money.

There are usually huge emotional peaks and troughs when you move overseas, the first 3-5 years are an emotional rollercoaster and you have to put a huge amount of emotional effort in during the first year or so unless work provides your structure and focus.

Most places do have an international women's club or other expat circuit which is the alternative if you want to fill your days and find people to be with and "stuff" to do, rather than study. You might have to travel and pay membership fees etc and the professional ladies who lunch tend not to count the pennies and spend on themselves freely, so it could be almost as expensive as studying!

Big hug OP, sorry you feel so lonely.

Does DH now how you are feeling? Is they anything you can think of that will make your time their more bearable?

Could a family member or friend come over to help you settle. Perhaps if you could make can friends, other mums at school? You may have something to look forward to and fill your days.

3 years is a hell of a long time to be unhappy, if it really doesn't work out, could you come back sooner? Try to think of any positives, weather, you know it can be pants here, nice house etc.

Are your children happy, have they made friends?

It sounds like your life has changed more than the other members of your family, therefore it will take time to adjust, it's a major shift in lifestyle.

You really need support and something to do, could you volunteer at school? Unless you get out your depression will deepen.

I really hope you are feeling brighter soon.