So deeply unhappy

[Wehavetogoback]

Where do I start , I suppose I actually feel like I am mourning for the loss of my old life..

My old life was working full time in a job I loved with a monthly night out with the girls my own independence and a sense of purpose

I'm now 6 months in to a 3yr "adventure " with DH and kids...I've cried every day since arriving I hate it here with a passion .
I'm like a goldfish in a bowl all day we can't afford a second car tbh even with a car I have nowhere to go but at the moment DH needs to travel to various locations a day for work the kids are at school and I'm alone all day every day .. Where I live it's so hot with no pavements I can't even go for a walk

I don't have a degree so me getting a work permit is going to be almost impossible

The texts from friends are almost non existent probably because whenever I'm asked how it's going I reply it's fucking shit and I want to go home ..

We can't go home we have little savings ( that was a major point of coming out but it's way more expensive here than we thought plus setting up home ) no jobs, schools , car or home

I fell for the fucking live life to full memes , 9-5 life is dull have an adventure.

There are few expats here so I'd rather not say exactly where I am but I'm in Asia

I know I'm depressed I've spoken to a councillor here plus was prescribed Xanax nothing is helping

Oh and well done on getting that cinema trip organised. That was a huge thing to do considering how you're feeling right now.

It sounds very difficult where you are but it won't be forever so try to focus on the good points of living there.
If you really can't stand the place, then make plans to leave, as from my experience, if, after a few months you know you hate the place, it doesn't really get easier, you just have to find ways of bearing it.

I'm not a expat that wants to stay in a bubble I live in a completely local area NOT on a compound I'd be happy to have any friends !

We used to say this when we were first expats but after numerous moves we realised that there was nothing wrong with the expat 'bubble'. 😂 If it's there then it's worth embracing. We never had so much fun as when we were living in a walled community. We did have local pals but the vast majority were other expats. Everyone is in the same boat and everyone makes an effort.

Also, we realised after years abroad that it's more comfortable to hang out with people with a similar background. We have lots of friends from lots of different backgrounds etc but on the whole I find I am closer to people with a vaguely similar background. Iyswim.

I must admit an expat compound would be heaven right now! We can't move locked into a 2 year lease contract , totally our fault but hindsight is a beautiful thing!!

**There isn't really compounds as such like Saudi etc but there are more expat clusters

Did you have a chance to look up 'Internations'? I found it very useful when I arrived, to meet people from a similar background and for sports and activities like walking (tho not at the mo - it's 46° and just been warnings it may go up to 50 )

Im not an expat in the real sense. Im just someone who was born thousands of miles away from where Ive lived and loved for the last 40 years but I still enjoy a day out with Internations and Ive done some really nice things with them.

Yes there was no groups and no events in my area 😕 I assume that means no local members ?

I deleted my InterNations account, I just got messages from men hoping to hook up shudder
Facebook groups for your area are also worth looking into. Have you got a trip home over the summer? Be warned, I found coming back from that really hard.

I deleted my InterNations account, I just got messages from men hoping to hook up

Im going to ask for my money back because Ive never experienced this. I feel cheated.

I'd rather have had your experience and got something useful out of it, Mrs. Trust me, it was nothing worth getting excited (or stoned) about!

Oh poor you, it sounds really tough :-(

If the OU doesn't work out there are some free online courses you can do. I expect there are lots but I only know of these off the top of my head:

online-learning.harvard.edu/courses

Not sure how useful they'd be, but they might be interesting in the very least!

Given that this is a relatively short-term chunk (I know it feels like forever at the moment), could you give yourself a mini-project of compiling a memory/photo book as you go? Upload photos of tickets from the plane and any events you go to, your apartment, the kids' weird school run. Gradually compile a book on Photobox (that would end up being like a diary of your time there) that you can get printed when you eventually return. Even if it's just for the kids because you want to block the memories out of for life! But I bet you won't; it'll get better because you're being proactive and looking for solutions

Op, a friend has just told me about a FB group called 'I am a triangle'. Have a wee look and see if it's of any use to you.

grin I'd rather have had your experience and got something useful out of it, Mrs. Trust me, it was nothing worth getting excited (or stoned) about!

Och, I dint know. 🤔

Hi OP, how old are the children? Why did you decide to move them to another country, school etc if it's not worth the family while?

Oh, calm down! How am I supposed to know your exact living conditions if you drip feed? Now you've told us how hot it actually is, no pavements, no transport, etc.

I'm sorry for you, I truly am, because the conditions you're now describing sound untenable. I hope you can connect with other expats. Your DH's workplace would be the most likely source of contacts.

Oh, calm down! How am I supposed to know your exact living conditions if you drip feed? Now you've told us how hot it actually is, no pavements, no transport, etc.

I'm sorry for you, I truly am, because the conditions you're now describing sound untenable. I hope you can connect with other expats. Your DH's workplace would be the most likely source of contacts.

Oh do calm down! Drip-feeding information makes it difficult to understand.

Now that I know how hellishly hot it is, that you're in a Muslim country, that there are no pavements, no transportation, etc, I agree that your situation is untenable. Would an embassy or consulate be able to help connect you?

Sorry! My wifi connection is not the best.

DearDotty you missed this clue about the OPs living conditions in the opening post Where I live it's so hot with no pavements I can't even go for a walk

Now that I know how hellishly hot it is, that you're in a Muslim country, that there are no pavements, no transportation, etc, I agree that your situation is untenable

We don't know that she's in a Muslim country. Just that she's in a country where Ramadan is observed. Not that it matters if it is a Muslim country because Im sure the OP is made of sterner stuff than you give her credit for and like billions of people who are able to live around Ramadan she can also.

Would an embassy or consulate be able to help connect you?

I still cant make up my mind whether you really dont have a clue about very much, or whether you are deliberately pretending do be clueless just for the fun of it. Either way however you are still giving me a good laugh. Thank you.

An embassy? Really? I think they usually are a bit too busy doing important shit to help out a lonely expat. And there are loads of countries where walking is impractical. I live in Oz, for a good chunk of the year its too hot to walk much at all during the day without ending up a sweaty mess.

As others have said, six months in is tough. I recommend really putting yourself out there to make friends. What I did was do a post on FB asking if any newbies wanted to meet for coffee, twelve people turned up and five of us ended up meeting weekly for months. I'm still good friends with a few of them. And I am a massive introvert, so if I can do it, anyone can. Good luck.

What helped me was volunteering to help out with the school play, we painted a poster and made the back drop, I managed to impress everyone with my artistic flare (stealth boost, I know) and I also managed to be on top form with the jokes, so all in all it was a good day and I made some great friends. If it hadn't have been for that then I'd never have left the house. Many coffee mornings were had on the back of that day!

Hi op, I haven't read through all the posts so apologies if my suggestions have already been mentioned.

Try IDCN (international dual career network) as this supports trailing spouses looking for work. There may not necessarily be a chapter near by but it's a good organization.

I think it's worth letting your DH's employer know you are unhappy. They may be able provide additional support. Do you get a spouse allowance or spousal assistance in any form? Also they may have job vacancies. Plus, if your DH is valuable for them they will want to support you. Tailing spouses being unhappy is the most common reason for for a failed assignment.

Can you get involved at school more? Volunteering and/or working for them? All easier said than done if you are a little depressed but it may help.

Are there "expats in XX" groups on fb? Join and ask for people to meet up. Explain you're situation and I'm sure there will be a kind soul out there who will help you out.

It's really really tough but keep asking for help (like you've done here). I hope things get better for you

have you looked at Coursera, FutureLearn etc.? There are scads and scads of amazing free courses you can do. Some are very flaky, but I've done a couple that I thought were truly wonderful - some of the very best I've ever done (way better than the paid study I've also done). I've done ones on psychology, astronomy, children's fiction, international development, CBT - there are so so many.
Getting a car for you sounds like a great plan, and far more important than saving at the moment.