So deeply unhappy

[Wehavetogoback]

Where do I start , I suppose I actually feel like I am mourning for the loss of my old life..

My old life was working full time in a job I loved with a monthly night out with the girls my own independence and a sense of purpose

I'm now 6 months in to a 3yr "adventure " with DH and kids...I've cried every day since arriving I hate it here with a passion .
I'm like a goldfish in a bowl all day we can't afford a second car tbh even with a car I have nowhere to go but at the moment DH needs to travel to various locations a day for work the kids are at school and I'm alone all day every day .. Where I live it's so hot with no pavements I can't even go for a walk

I don't have a degree so me getting a work permit is going to be almost impossible

The texts from friends are almost non existent probably because whenever I'm asked how it's going I reply it's fucking shit and I want to go home ..

We can't go home we have little savings ( that was a major point of coming out but it's way more expensive here than we thought plus setting up home ) no jobs, schools , car or home

I fell for the fucking live life to full memes , 9-5 life is dull have an adventure.

There are few expats here so I'd rather not say exactly where I am but I'm in Asia

I know I'm depressed I've spoken to a councillor here plus was prescribed Xanax nothing is helping

Thank you for your comments , I don't do the school run as DH takes kids on way to school and picks them up I do it on the odd occasion but it's a strange system where there isn't a school gate you drive along and pick them up like a drive through! It's weird 😒

I have found a fitness class on FB and will go once it restarts after Ramadan.

Im keen to study I loved my job in HR and have worked for years but have always regretted not having a degree .

DH knows how unhappy I am I cry enough we have talked about me going back early once we have some savings it's a difficult one as I would have to somehow set up home and find schooling and me a job while probably sleeping on a sofa somewhere.. My choices are limited but I think the depression makes things seem a lot darker .

Thank you again I hope time will help and at least I have Donald Trump to keep me entertained on twitter !

Op I have lived in a place very similar to how you describe, and have only just come back. I wonder if it's the same place? If you want to pm me I could maybe try and help as I felt like you very much in the first few months x

And just to say that the 'drive through' style of picking up children from school is very common worldwide, its not just a weird way of doing things where you are. Hopefully knowing this will help you turn into from being weird to being just a different way of doing things.

I think I know where you are and you really do seem very isolated. Is there any way at all you could sort out another car, or even a taxi driver you contract to every month to take you around whenever you want to go out?

I feel for you and I know what you mean about the lack of "school gates" makes it hard to meet up with other parents (I always laugh at the threads about hating school gates, abroad they can be a real life line!)

Some great ideas here, especially to see if you can study but also can you teach English as a second language even informally to other nationalities expats or local families? I did this at a previous posting - I'm an appalling teacher but it was a laugh and it got me into the local community.

Find out which charities/groups are supported by expats - the trick 6 months in is to say yes to everyone and everything even if you could never imagine being involved in something like it back home!

Savings should start coming through after all the initial expenses and then you can start to see the original reason you may the move - that also helps!

I've been an expat in several countries.

Things that helped me were

Sports - I really went for it! social sports such as tennis, badminton or skiing (depending on country) really helped and were great fun

Volunteer work. I did about one day a week in each country - mostly teaching English in local schools ( again depending on country)

Being very upfront - I was brazen in telling people I didn't know anyone and was looking to make friends. For e.g. If I heard someone in the supermarket with a British accent I would go up to them and introduce myself.

Work at kids school a- I volunteered at the kids school where I could.

Other hobbies?? Online scrabble? knitting? Reading?

Kids - I put a lot of time and effort into looking after the kids and making sure they were happy and healthy. Obviously I would do that regardless but I purposely tried to go above and beyond. I had the time and I enjoyed it.

I always had a car though. It would be tough not to have one.

Could you drop kids and husband off and pick them up occasionally so you have a bit more freedom? Degree sounds like a great idea, if you've ever fancied yoga look at yoga journal site which has good instruction and practice sequences available it might help to relax and stretch. Google free courses even Harvard does them. I can sympathize it takes time to settle and it is tough when the rest of the family are actually mixing with others because of school or work but you don't have those opportunities. It's great that you've posted hope things improve for you soon.

I think I know where you are and have also lived there. PM me if you'd like to talk.

I'm doing a degree through University of Essex, I think they do one that's busines plus HR. It's 4K a year.

I'm in a similar position, out of work expat, normally in a professional job but no degree and studying to improve my employability.

I've had a hard 3 yes where we are now but things are looking brighter. (Other factors going on in that, it won't take you that long). I encourage you to try and get out of the house regularly, make a routine for yourself, make contact with the expats that are there, or try to find at least one local friend. Perhaps through the school? Do you have class lists and can ask someone for a play, and ask the mum to stay for a cuppa?

I'm sorry you are so unhappy. I've been an expat and understand how isolating it can be. In Asia I lived in both Bangkok and Ho Chi Minh City. Both had big expat communities but it took time to feel settled and make friends and a life. I couldn't get a work permit so working wasn't an option although in HCMC DH gave me to a guy in a bar at 2am one night! It was someone he knew and he was looking for someone to do part time dictaphone typing so not as sordid as it sounds!

As others have suggested on line learning is an option. There is lots of free online courses now available too.

You could also do yoga via you tube or similar. I know it's still solitary but might help with your mind set a bit.

Are your DCs at an international school? Send your cv in if so. Lots of people I know ended up working at schools. A couple got jobs as teaching assistants although they hadn't done it before. There are also admin roles available sometimes and you may not need a work permit or th school can sometimes sort.

You do need transport. Are taxis ok where you are? Expats couldn't drive in HCMC so we hired a car and driver. He took dh to work and then I could use him during the day. It's a bit of a pain but better than been trapped at home. I ended up sharing with a friend at one point which made it cheaper for both of us.

Are there any expat groups? Even if they don't sound like your thing initially they tend to be life savers. Other expats will be in the same position as you and I found people really helpful and friendly. They've all been new. They've all been miserable and homesick. I found moving to a new area in the uk much harder!

Definitely go to the fitness class. I made good friends that way in Bangkok.

It is hard and you are probably at the hardest stage. We were on a crap financial package in Bangkok so money was tight and we wanted to be able to travel so saved as much as we could for that. And life was more expensive than we thought especially setting up home. We had no tv and it was early 90s so no internet. Books were my saviour. There was an English language library thankfully. I spent many afternoons lying on the bed reading under the fan as we couldn't afford to have the air con on much.

It got better and I made friends and loved it in th end.

Keep posting here too. There's usually someone to 'talk' to.

Absolutely do the degree. I have two Master's degrees because I had such a depressing posting where I could not work, so I ended up doing another just for something to do. It was my saving grace, it is tough doing it online but it gave me a focus. I also changed direction within my studies, so on our next posting I was able to walk into a fantastic job that makes me so so happy.

Have you ever thought of starting an online business? Don't know if it's your thing, but starting a business can be a very invigorating thing, and if you find something you can do easily from where you are, there is the potential to make some good pocket money!

Google etsy passive income or drop shipping businesses, or you could even sell interesting things from your expat city online.

Lots of excellent advice here, OP. Try not to spend too much time alone, shut inside. Go explore the local culture during the cooler hours of the day. Get to know a few words of the language, keep your eyes and ears open, observe and learn.

My stepdad worked with the UN & we travelled all over the world, from Iceland to Africa. I remember my mum crying & homesick too at first but then she found work as an English teacher and eventually became an editor for a well-known international publication. We had expat friends but lots of local friends too. I learned French and Arabic. It wasn't always easy but resistance & refusal to adapt made it far worse.

Good luck.

Op I really feel for you, I'm an expat due to go home and I found the first 6 months like hell on earth, but believe me you become numb to the feelings you are currently feeling and you tend to forget your old life after a while. We only have one car and I drive my husband and son to school then go home, the car is there if I need it. I too haven't really got friends and everyday is exactly the same as the last. But you do need to make the effort, book breakfasts with the mums, get play dates for the kids and meet other parents. Arrange soft play dates with all the kids from your child's class. I've only got to know the mums through these type of events as my son gets the school bus so I hardly ever meet the mums. I do would've loved to have done an online course but just like you we never really got the big bucks we thought we would and all the spare case went on fantastic holidays which kept us sane! My son as seen more countries than many adults! One of the main things that kept me going was that my son was so happy and made some great friends and that my husbands career was really going well.

Wehave a different/safer antidepressant might help.

I know xanax is similar to one I was on and although it helped with short term panic/anxiety it wasn't like standard ones SSRI's and the like which stay consistently in your system and help long term.

I really feel for you, three years is a long time to be unhappy. Medication is never going to fix everything but it can make a difference

Wow thank you so much for all the replies it means a lot

I think I posted this on a particular down day ..I did the cardinal sin of comparing how much fun all my friends were having on Facebook back home and it got me pretty down..

We have also been looking at very cheap second cars and decided to buy one at the end of the month instead of a planned getaway ..Short term pain but very much long term gain will also mean another month with zero savings though

I think I'm been dwelling too much and looking at all the negatives and not actually trying to fix anything just moaning how much I miss home and shutting myself away.

I was brave and asked a colleague of DH if she would like to meet up and we also went to see Wonder Woman as a family today so that lifted my spirits..

Thank you again everyone I'm glad to hear after the first 6-9 months it does get easier

From one expat to another, sometimes you have to delete Facebook for a week.

I'm a bit by the apparent social
limitations suggested here. No one but expats, other mums (presumably expats too) & even OH's colleague's wife. And suggestions of a driver, FGS: Use your legs and walk, woman! Or dare to try public transport, or a bicycle, or a tuk-tuk.

Diodati - its hot. There are no pavements. Walking tends to be impractical. As I discovered when I first moved to Bangkok and walked to somewhere that I would have happily walked to here in uk. I was a hot, red faced sweaty mess.

A driver can mean you don't need two cars. Some locations it's not advisable for expats to drive. When we were in HCMC it was a sackable offence with some companies,

Sometimes public transport is not an option. And maybe there are no tuk tuks where she is. She hasn't said.

And yes socialising with other expats and mums makes sense. Tends not to be a language barrier. And sometimes a cultural one too depending on where you are. It doesn't necessarily mean a completely British expat bubble. My expat friends were all nationalities. But in the main expats.

Diodati that's bloody rude, where I live it's over 40 degrees the nearest place to meet people is about 3 miles, it's Ramadan so I wouldn't be able to drink on my walk and and there are no pavements and the chances of me getting run over are very high. You are being very ignorant to think all countries are the same!

Actually is 46 degrees today so fuck am I walking anywhere! 😂

It's 46 degrees where I also live. I just about coped with a couple of steps out the back door before falling in the pool with glee.

I'm actually laughing at Diodatis suggestions and not just because even a tuk tuk needs a driver.

I think she's funny.

There are no Tuk Tuks where I live the hear and humidity is insane the walk to the closet shop is a good 2 miles and the public transport is non existent it's very much a driving culture

I'm not a expat that wants to stay in a bubble I live in a completely local area NOT on a compound I'd be happy to have any friends !

*heat

I'm not a expat that wants to stay in a bubble I live in a completely local area NOT on a compound I'd be happy to have any friends !

I've lived in the Middle East for 40 years as the wife of a national and I find that people generally make local friends once they've settled in and got the lay of the land so to speak. That's if they wish to have local friends - so many don't and that works both ways to be honest.

Anyway, It's bad enough just having to settle in without throwing yourself into the 'local' scene and putting more pressure on yourself by trying to get 'it' right.