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Living overseas

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See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Sending DC abroad early. Would you?

33 replies

champersandgin · 10/08/2016 23:26

We are moving abroad. I'm still in UK with 2 DC selling house etc. DH is already there, working and setting up home etc. His job means he is away Mon -Fri however it is OK for DC to go with him to work every day during school holidays.

He's missing us all terribly and wants one of the DC to go out early to be with him. DC1 (12) doesn't want to go without me or on the plane on their own. DC2 (8) said they'd like to.

I'm very conflicted. I don't want either DC to be away from me and while we should be able to go in the next 3-4 weeks, we might not. They'd have to go to school once September arrives and he'd have to sort that which I think would be tricky as he'd need to hope his company allow him to rearrange what he does to enable him to be home every night. Or rely on his new friends to help out with pick ups etc. Or not send them to school at the beginning of the school year (I'd prefer they did start at the beginning of the year).

I feel like a cow for saying no. So I'm trying not to actually say an absolute no. I have no concerns about his ability to actually parent on his own but I'm worried about the practicalities after the first couple of weeks if I don't make it out there.

So WWYD?

OP posts:
Gallopingthundercunt · 11/08/2016 02:44

Honestly?....
I'm a shockingly lax parent WRT things like this, but the recent terror attacks would actually stop me sending my own DS (who is the same age as your eldest) It's worth pointing out here that neither DS or I would normally be bothered by such a journey.

The imagine of DS caught up in such an act, alone and possibly injured would cause my long dormant protective side to kick in.

KeyserSophie · 11/08/2016 04:18

I'm an expat.

Minute risk of terrorist attack aside, this sounds like a fairly terrible idea because your Dh does not have the bandwidth to parent effectively. Unless he's a dolphin trainer or a stunt man, your DS is going to be massively bored just hanging out at his dad's work all day, and then there's no contingency for when he starts school so huge potential to look like a PITA to new employer who will be like "er, why didnt you just leave him in the UK?"

If it's only 3/4 weeks then it's really not very long- tell him to distract himself being impressive at work. If it's more than that, then all the more reason for DC not to go out there and have a disrupted start to school.

I would ask MNHQ to move this to Living Overseas as there are a few people there who have experience of splitting the family either by design or due to circumstance who can probably provide a good perspective.

NickiFury · 11/08/2016 04:34

It sounds massively impractical and with no clear plan. I don't think that is at all suitable for a child of that age and even though you say they want to go they can't have any real understanding of what it means. Can you all get out there any sooner?

ShanghaiDiva · 11/08/2016 04:35

I am also an expat; agree with Keyser it's not sensible.

Original poster
champersandgin · 11/08/2016 11:51

Thanks for your replies. I've reported and asked for my post to be moved.

We can't get out any sooner as I need to wait for the completion of our house sale then tie up the loose ends.

OP posts:
hairymuffet · 11/08/2016 12:00

Also, I think there may be a minimum age to fly unaccompanied ??

Original poster
champersandgin · 11/08/2016 12:11

There is. It's 8. Already tried to get out of it that way. Lol

OP posts:
MyCarsInBristol · 11/08/2016 12:17

Let him go for a few weeks and then come back to you in time to start school

WhisperingLoudly · 11/08/2016 12:23

It depends entirely on what your DHs job is.

I'm not clear from your OP whether the intention is for DC to start school at home or where your DH currently is?

I'm in expat and have been on both sides. It is tough for any parent to be away from their DC - the best compromise might be for your DC to go to DH and you spend the time traveling back and forth

Original poster
champersandgin · 11/08/2016 12:26

Sorry to have been unclear. We're all going out and ideally DC will start school out there. I've not given up their school places here just in case but ideally we'll be there.

At the moment, I can't afford for DC to fly back and forth.

OP posts:
Original poster
champersandgin · 11/08/2016 12:28

I am reluctant to say exactly what his job is. It involves a lot of traveling.

OP posts:
LIZS · 11/08/2016 12:28

For me it depends where . Are you working or could you all go for a week or two while solicitors deal with house. You only need to be around to sign and oversee packing.

KeyserSophie · 11/08/2016 12:48

Without wanting to sound harsh, I don't really understand why you're even considering this? Are you getting a lot of pressure from your DH?

ItsABanana · 11/08/2016 12:51

NO way on this earth would I ever send my 8 year old on a plane unaccompanied.

KeyserSophie · 11/08/2016 12:56

itsabanana They're not unaccompanied. They're chaperoned by the cabin crew (i.e. collected from you, taken through onto plane, looked after on plane, delivered at the other end).

Eastpoint · 11/08/2016 12:58

I think your husband has to put your children's interests first and get on with living overseas on his own until your UK home is sold. Your children moving would only suit him, not you, his employers or his children.

LIZS · 11/08/2016 12:59

Presumably it would be cheaper for him to fly back if money is tight than to fly dc out unaccompanied. If he travels would they just go along too, could be very dull for them.

ImperialBlether · 11/08/2016 13:04

Your husband is being very selfish and not considering his children at all. It's all about wanting someone there for himself. Surely it's not going to be that long until you're there? If he travels a lot, isn't he used to being on his own at times?

InTheDessert · 11/08/2016 13:05

The only way I can see this working is for you ALL to go out now, and you pop back for the house sale and last bits and bobs.
Having an 8 yr old with no school plans, no after school care (including overnight if your husband is traveling???) And having to trail after daddy at work in the holidays sounds like a nightmare. Yes, it would be lovely to have company for your husband, but it sounds problematic for the rest of you. How will the siblings cope apart?

I've been the one stuck in the UK (waiting for visas in our case) and it sucks. But DH was more than overwhelmed sorting out a new job, bank accounts, visas, a new driving licence, buying a car, finding a house and 2 school places. A child on top would, I think, have finished him.

Tying up ends in the UK and settling kids in new school nearly finished me. I napped most mornings for the first month I was there (like 3 hr naps. I was exhausted)

ErnesttheBavarian · 11/08/2016 13:18

We're also living abroad and had to do time where dh has gone on ahead. Absolutely no way would I send 1 kid ahead. The only person it benefits is your dh. Your dc will be bored and lonely with no sibling and no friends. Your dh will actually be working so won't be able to give him the attention he needs. What on earth would he do all day?

It just doesn't make sense really. Your dh is going to have to be brave and put up with a bit of loneliness himself as this 'solution' just causes lots of problems and the potential for many more.

However, if it's just the house sale, could you not all just go over now, and then just you fly back for a few days to sort out any outstanding bits and bobs with the house sale? Seems odd the 3 of you hanging round just waiting for the house sale. One adult return for you to finalise things won't break the bank and will be certainly much cheaper than an unaccompanied minor.

Then you're in situ for sorting out new school etc, the dc are there in time for the start of the new school year, you can all get settled in. Seems like a better way around.

MNHQ
KatherineMumsnet · 11/08/2016 13:25

Hi folks, at the OP's request we are going to move this to Living Overseas.

Laptopwieldingharpy · 12/08/2016 00:13

Get the movers in, pack, ship, go.
If you need to sign papers, fly back. Why are you dragging your feet. It will be diffucult enough for the children to start a new school year in the best conditions.....
Adults do the legwork to ensure a smooth transition, not children.
Both you and your husband seem to be setting an irrealistic framework for this move to happen smoothly no?

schbittery · 12/08/2016 00:19

i am the child of disorganised expats. Please, please, please do NOT make your 8 and 12y old start school in a new country oytside of the normal school year start times. It's miserable. They did it to me twice and it was really, really difficult, unescesarily so. Be organised if yiu are going g to uproot yours kids and move them abroad.

Original poster
champersandgin · 12/08/2016 00:34

Thanks for your replies.

I am doing all I can to make sure that they will be there to start the school year on 6th September. DH has a house etc all ready. He's submitted the forms for the children's school places but the DC need to be in the country for places to be actually allocated.

The problem is that our finances are tied up in the house so once the sale is complete, it's happy days. Until then, I cannot book the flights as I don't have the cash. Things have moved forward today so it's looking more likely that we will be able to travel by the 26th August. We will all travel together.

OP posts:
Laptopwieldingharpy · 12/08/2016 04:24

The children are already normally residing in the new country if your dependant visas are sorted. Technically they are only on holiday in your home country now. This really is a false flag.

Hope it all goes through quickly for the sale! Hang in there!
If i may add, your finances being tied to the sale to the point that you did not provision for the ticket fares is worrying.
I echo what bittery said above both as a child of expats and expat parent.
All the best!