Are we mad - moving to oz with 7 month old ds?

[katyjo]

Not sure if we are just being totally unrealistic!
Dh and I lived in Melbourne for 2 years, we just went to see what it was like but never really intended to stay, we always planned to get it out of our system and get married and settle back in the uk.
We came back a year ago, got married and had ds, but the UK no longer feels like home, we both miss the lifestyle we had in oz and I would love ds to have the beaches and outdoor lifestyle while he is growing up.
We have family so close here, pil are 15 minute drive away, my parents are close too and I feel sad that they will miss out on ds growing up and he will miss out on having grandparents close by.
But I can't stay here, we need to have our own lives and I know that we won't stay here forever anyway, but it seems so final.
Please give me some advice.

Sorry Katyjo no advice but will be interested to hear what advice you are given. My DP is from Melbourne and wants to move back, I have my reservations (mainly to do with the mil and bil but thats another story), the idea of denying my parents a relationship with their grandkids and vice versa really upsets me. I also worry about when is the best time to go. My instinct tells me sooner rather than later, when kids are say 4 and 5, so as to cause as little disruption to schooling as possible.

Also think that it will be far easier to meet new people make friends when the kids are smaller, I do not want to end up being the 'new' girl in my DP's old life.

We currently live overseas, but have suggested to DP that I go back to UK with the kids for the next 3yrs in a bid to save money quicker and ensure some quality time with my parents.

Would be interested to hear if anyone knows anything about aussie ed system.... DP already has apt in St Kilda think he wants to move there or somewhere like Brighton(?), sorry forget all the different place names.

Sorry again KJ for the hijack, understand totally what you mean with regard to the finality of it, it is afterall such a long way away

Sorry forgot to say 7mths is a great age, think easier for all to adapt when they are smaller, but do understand concerns re your parents.

I think you've said it all in your message- you don't feel at home here, miss the lifestyle and want DS to have the outdoor lifestyle. You even said 'I can't stay here'. This may sound harsh, but I think you should put the needs of your immediate familiy (yourself, your DH and you DS) first. The only other option would be to stay as you are and learn to live with it. You don't want to look back and wonder what if, or feel resentful towards your parents. Yes, it will be very sad for them if you go, but at least they will know that you will be happier out there and their grandson will get the life that you want for him. You can always manage to have long special visits together.

I lived in OZ for about 6 months some years ago and it is ann amazing place. I found it so much warmer, sunnier, relaxed, affordable to live. We also went to NZand I am still in love with that place years after we left. It would break my heart to take DS away from his grandparents, but if we had the chance to move there, we would take it. If it dodn'twork out or we missed them too mcuh, at least we would have tried and wouldn't wonder.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do . x

IMO you should do what is best for you. I do think though that the younger your ds is, the greater the impact will be on his relationship with his extended family - i.e. grandparents etc.

I grew up in Africa. When i was six weeks old we moved to Zambia, my sister was 3 so already had formed a relationship with our grandparents, but I hadn't. We lived in Zambia, Botswana, and then South Africa, and we returned to the UK when I was nearly 5. Obviously I got to know my grandparents/aunties/cousins but because I hadn't really known them in my formative years they were never really like family to me iyswim. When I was 9 we went back to South Africa and we stayed there for 10 years. I loved it there and don't regret growing up in another country for one minute, and if the opportunity came along for us to move abroad I'd be on the first plane. But as a result of having grown up away from family I have no relationship with my extended family, none at all. Yes I know who they all are and I see them from time to time, but they mean nothing to me, and I feel no loyalty towards any of them. And as a result I also don't see the importance of this grandparent/grandchild relationship so don't feel that my ds should have that iyswim, although of course he does have a relationship with my parents/ILs, its not that important to me iyswim, which is sad in a way as so many on here say it's a good thing for children to have a good relationship with gps.

sorry if that's a load of waffle ...

you do absolutely have to do what is best for you, but you also need to realize that there will be long-term implications for family relationships, and as long as you're aware of that, then carry on and be happy

This is what I think (Moved to Oz in June)

DD is 3. She left behind aunts & uncles, her friends, and her dog!

We had many many tearful nights when she woke crying because she anted to go home, she missed max (her dog), she missed her friends. It broke my heart!

4 months down the line she is building up a fantastic relationship with her grandparents who are here. She loves the beach and has just started to run, recklessly, in to the sea.

Her quality of life here is so much better. We can go to the beach when dh gets home from work. She had feed Koalas, kangeroos, wallabies, she has seen lizards (in the garden) she saw emus 2 feet from the car on Sunday. She has spent most of the time outside in her paddling pool, or sandpit or watering the garden.

I think doing it at dd's age was easy from the pov that she has settled well and hasn't had any interuptions to her schooling. However, knowing what I know now, I wish I could have done it sooner. Those long nights, cuddling her while she asked to go home broke my heart! She is old enough to remember most things, but it's not easy to reason with her. The earlier the better imo.

katy, let me preface this with - I would love to live in Oz but one of my dds would fail the medical -
anyway. Just to give you some food for thought on not living near grandparents - my parents live in Germany and we are in Yorkshire, my in-laws are nearish but unwilling to help out. I find it extremely hard with three children and no family support nearby. My career choices are very limited as a result, and dh and I have never had a night away from the kids together since our eldest was born 7.5 years ago. I think a lot of people don't really appreciate just what difference it makes to have some relatives nearby whom you can call on - dd1 broke her foot in the summer and I had to trek to A&E with three small children.
When it's just you and dh, it can be very hard and very restrictive.

my parents will be over here a lot more once they retire in a couple of years but of course they're only a 1.5 hour, £70 flight away. Is there a chance of your parents / PILs spending and extended amount of time with you in Oz?

No you are not mad-it's a fantastic opportunity and I reckon the pros far outweigh the cons.
Friends of mine who did it have their parents to stay for 6 wks at a time twice a year....just a thought.

Thanks for your advice it really helps.

bovvered - don't mind the hiijack at all, nice to know someone else is in the same boat maybe we will see you in Oz in a few years time!

tigertum - you are very wise, thanks for your words of wisdom!

Wannabe - It is true, it will affect the relationships ds has with our families, and I appreciate you telling me your story. We spent some time in Africa a few years ago, it is an amazing country unlike anywhere I've ever been - special indeed!

Hauntedcastles (aka sandcastles) - I have listened with interest to everyones stories on the oz threads, and I originally wanted to stay here to have our family before moving, but we decided that will just be putting our lives on hold. It must have been a really hard time moving, but it sounds like you have a wonderful life in Oz. Thanks

Geekgrrl - I think that because I have so much family support around, I can't quite get my head around how hard it will be without that and it is my main worry about going but my parents and pil are both retired and will be able to visit on a regular (cost allowing) basis. It is a shame that your inlaws don't want to be involved, they are missing out on such a special relationship. Thanks for your advice.

Witchicouldgiveupwork- Thanks for telling me I'm not mad, but I think I would be if my parents moved in for 6 weeks! You can't live with 'em or without 'em - am I hard to please, or what!!

katyjo, there are ups and there are downs. Someone on here discribed it as a rollrcoaster ride! Couldn't agree more. Some days my life seems wonderful, full of sun, on the beach laughing with dd & dh. And sometimes it's not so wonderful. At the moment I can go whole days without talking to another person (except the check out girls at woolies, and pil) But then I haven't made any friends yet as the clubs I was going to were useless!

But I still wouldn't change it for the world! It will take time, but in the long run dd has a wonderful life here.

I miss friends and family, but I don't miss the UK.

I will be happy to chat some more about it, let me know.

My mum and dad spend far more time with ds (we are in NZ, they are in UK) than his grandparents who live 10kms away.

Even when they are not here they talk to him on the phone at least every other day (thanks to Skype or whatever it's called) and they send him emails with photos in. He has never not known them, despite them often being miles away.

They do come over 3 times a year which helps and because they stay with us they are more in touch with his friend, what he eats, which clothes fit him, what times he is at preschool than the other grandparents who wouldn't have a clue.

Thanks again hauntedcastles, I remember when we first arrived in oz before I used to be so grateful to talk to little old ladies on the bus (I am a bit of a chatterbox), when we came home it was because I couldn't imagine having children without my own family around, now ds here I realise that life doesn't just stop when you have kids and where you are becomes even more important. Would love to talk about your experiences more!
Threebob - it is so nice to here that your ds has such a great relationship with his grandparents even though they are far away, it shows it can be done and just being close by doesn't mean you automatically have a good bond. Good on all of you for making it work, I hope we can do the same.
Sittinbull - It is so true, technology is such a wonderful thing and I think your 'international family' sounds fantastic your kids will have such a great view of the world and so many opportunities!
Thanks everyone, I am starting to see things much more clearly. My hubby sent an email to his old boss just to test the water, he phoned him straight away and said we could be there in 2 months if we wanted!! Scary biscuits!!

My typing is awful!
Threebob I meant hear - not here!
And I apologise for spelling your name wrong sittinGbull. X

I think you should go for it!! If that is where your heart is, and its what you really want for your sons life(which I think is great). Then dont worry about everyone else. It is your life and happiness after all. And the sunny weather and beaches.. You can always visit your relatives, and they can come visit you. Theres also webcam, and video chats, phone contact, email. I know its not exactly the same, but its not as if you are cutting them off completely. If I had that option right now, I would pick my kids up and go in a second. Whatever you decide.. I wish you and your family the best!!!

P.S. I think that the aussie lifestyle is much healthier and active than the english one ..

katyjo, feel free to email me on [email protected].

I'll be happy to share anything you'd like to know.

Katijo, we've been out here 7 years now, and I can honestly say I miss my mum, on the upside it's not too bad being on the other side of the world from my dad ( they are seperated and both remarried ages ago). My dad gets more and more racist with age, and I'm glad not to have to be dragged along to the hellish extended family caravaning extravaganza. Mum manages to come out once every 18 months or so, and we have lots of internet contact and phone calls ( Say G'day cards, v cheap from a landline).
It's fantastic being out here, we can afford a mortage, car, there is so much space and it's just beautiful. I really apreciate it as I lived in London for 10 years before coming here. You have to do what's right for you and your kids, and the younger they are, the quicker they adjust. Good luck!

Katyjo, you sound lovely!!! Sounds like it would be a bit easier going back for you already having established friends and work for your DH.

Lol about parents staying for long periods, love mine dearly but am with you when it comes to having anyone stay for that long in one go - guess it would mean by the time they went home you'd be glad to wait another year or so before they came back

Now that your DH has had such a positive response from his old boss when do you think you'll go?

I am quite surprised how much everyone seems to be able to travel backwards and forwards with such ease, how much do you pay on average for your flights, do kids go cheaper, how do you work it around schooling etc. My mum has serious back problems and is not allowed to sit for long periods of time would really struggle to get over Have found that having my children has changed my relationship with my Mum in a huge and fantastic way - if we moved I do not think I would have anymore babies, just because she wouldn't be able to have a relationship with them, she is such a fabulous Nana.

We know that in someways our standard of living (amount of spare cash) would actually drop but consider the benefits of living in Oz are worth that. I too know that I could not live in UK ever again.

HC whereabouts do you live (will go do some research after).

OJ how old were your LO's when you moved?

Can anyone tell me about education system, is it very different from UK?
We live in France at the moment but I would probably move back to UK for a couple of years so we could save more quicker, but would mean that DD(18mths) and DS(4mths) would probably have already had a year or so at school by the time we move.

Sorry that was a bit longer than expected!

Bovverd, We are in Adelaide. I am the only one on MN that is here. We came here as Dh's family here.

You said
"We know that in someways our standard of living (amount of spare cash) would actually drop but consider the benefits of living in Oz are worth that"

I have to argue with you here. Since being in Oz we have more disposable income than when we ever had in the UK. I don't work (sahm to dd, 3) where as in UK I HAD to have an evening job to help with pennies. We eat out twice a week. Our last meal, 2 course for 3 of us was $25. Around 12gbp! I kid you not and that was at a hotel.

I must point out that my dh is earning less here than in the UK. We pay $175 pw on rent on a 3 bed detached house, with garage, huge front & back garden, lounge, diner, kit, laundry etc PLUS a self contained annex (will be great for visitors...!) All that for around 80gbp! My sister pays more pw, for her 3 bed council house! This house to buy would be $200,000 (less than 100,000gbp).

Petrol is currently around 40p per litre.

WE have never been happier!

Unfortunately, my DP's skills are not transferable, we don't actually live in UK at the moment, but to help us save up quicker, I would move back to UK (cheaper than south of France), also think it would be easier for kids to move from UK to Aus than France to Aus. And of course I get a bit of extra time with my family.

When we move Dp would probably do labouring work, the idea being that we save enough now to get us started, DP thinks I should work when we move - currently SAHM am reluctant as have always said if I had kids I did not want to work until they were at senior school and then if possible wanted to be home when they got home (old fashioned girl at heart).

Also I'm a planner and DP is much more of a dreamer, doesn't think that when we move matters (with regard kids etc), makes me very nervous the idea of moving to the other side of the world with no fixed plans of what will happen once we are there, especially with 2 kids.

Having said all that I still think it is a fantastic opportunity and having read a few more of the overseas threads feel much better about things especially from my childrens pov. I know I couldn't bring my children up in UK, some of the threads I read on MN send shivers down my spine, I want my children to have a childhood more in keeping with my own and unfortunately I just don't think that will be possible in the UK.

Sorry another long post

Thanks everyone for your responses! I was back at work for the first full day since ds was born yesterday so the last couple of days have been hectic!
I think we are going to go for it, I know it will be hard but if we can do it the lifestyle and opportunities for both us and ds will be fantastic!
Bovvered - the south of france sounds like a lovely place to stay! Do you enjoy it there? I was quite niaive about how much the distance makes you miss your family before we went last time. My dh and I were single and didn't really think we would miss family as much as we did, I even cried when when pil left after a visit and we are not that close! It is one of the reasons I am so hesitant this time round because I know our relationships have changed since having ds and it will be so much harder this time. Keep in contact and I will let you know how I get own, my email address is [email protected].
I will definately email you sandcastles, once I have sorted a few more things in my head. I hadn't realised how cheap things were in Adelaide, it costs a lot more in Melbourne, but still a lot cheaper than the uk!
Thanks Ladydoom - I know we are really lucky to have the option, and as they say 'when opportunities arise you have to grab them with both hands'. I think we would be daft to throw this chance away, while we still have the option.
Ozjo - There are certainly some people I will NOT miss! Glad you are enjoying your life in Oz!

Hi Katyjo, why don't you just think of the move more short term, like three years. It seems to enormous to think of forever. I agree about relationships with grandparents being closer. The UK grandparents know every detail and come and stay regularly. The others are 5 streets away and we can go for weeks without seeing them.
I am in Melbourne and happy to help/meet whatever. St Kilda and Brighton are two fabulous areas for kids and great schools etc etc.
Tilba x

good luck katyjo....theres alot to do from now on in. There is another thread that I started detailing thinkgs to think about, but you can always find some one here to help!

Thanks Tilba, We are just worried we'll keep on floating around, I feel a bit homeless at the moment we sold our flat 2.5 years ago and haven't been in a position to buy property again. I would like to feel that this move will be at least long enough for us to settle and buy somewhere to live.
Thanks again Hauntedcastles, I will email you soon. I need to pick your brains about shipping and flights etc. I really appreciate your advice

Thanks everyone, it has been great to talk it through with you all. XX

no problem katyjo. Good Luck