Feeling really :( today, want to leave Germany

[SSSandy]

I know this will offend any Germans on MN but I have to talk about it somewhere, so rather than risk being hurt by what I write, please don't read further!

I don't like to talk about it to Germans I know here for fear of offending them but I hate living in Germany, and apart from the first 3 months when it was all an adventure and I still had my sense of humour intact, I've always disliked it.

I do meet decent people and nice things happen of course but the overwhelming tenor of life here I find so negative and it really really gets me down.

I don't know why I'm writing this other than that I have to get it off my chest. I feel so very sad today (dd's birthday) thinking we may well be here for years to come. I would love for her to grow up somewhere else. I had such a lovely childhood in Africa by comparison where people were so friendly and warm and I wish she had something like that too.

I do try to see the good points about this place and there are some, but I don't think I will ever feel at home or happy here. We're stuck here because of dh's job which is a very good one and well paid. He wouldn't give it up just to do any old thing somewhere else. He would like to stay.

I told him this morning that I would like to leave with dd which is all very well - but where do we go and how is dd going to cope? She's just started school here (6) and hasn't learnt to read or write yet. I see so many difficulties with a move, not to mention her not seeing dh anymore (or very rarely) but I don't feel I can face another year here. I don't know what to do really but I feel I've been here so long now that if I don't like living here by now and I did try, I don't think I ever will

how long have you been there?

I know how you feel, as it's how I felt a couple of years ago. we moved to another town and this place is much better. It turned out it wasn't spain I hated, but the small village mentality that you get in some villages in every country.

i can't believe your dh won't even consider leaving though. what kind of man places his job above his wife's happiness?

Where would you most like to live, and what would it offer you?

Much sympathy but no personal experience - hope others come along like SP.

Can you remember the reasons you left where you were before, were you unhappy with that place? Sometimes it's good to remember why you left in the first place.

How long have you been in Germany?

SSSandy, sorry
(as I've said on another thread, I'm German and like Germany - but two weeks of it is enough, thankyouverymuch) - you're in Berlin, right? which is about as cosmopolitan as you can get in Germany.

Sorry - no advice, only sympathy here. Oh, and regarding the reading - at my dds' school they get plenty of children each year who haven't done the first two years of the UK school system (it's a village school that serves a US military base as well as the village), they usually cope fine and catch up quickly, if that's any consolation. Could you move back to the UK and be close to an airport that does cheap flights so that dh could commute?

I've been here for about 8 years now. Dd (6) was born here.

I've never been this unhappy anywhere before. It may be partly my age or some other factor. I spent my childhood in Africa, UK, New Zealand and Sweden. I'm not homesick as such because there is no place that's really home.

I lived in Italy, in Venezuela, in France for a bit before coming here. There are good and bad things to all places but I have never felt that a place drags me down the way Berlin does.

Maybe I would be happier living in a smaller town rather than in the middle of a big city, I don't know but it's really the unpleasantness, even exceptional rudeness you encounter on a daily basis which is making me want to just avoid people. I feel happiest at home TBH. Although I do go out and learn Italian and do tennis lessons. I'm not hiding under the bed yet. Dh works from 9-9 and is whacked afterwards so has no idea what I experience in supermarkets, in the street, at state departments and in public transport. He's so removed from it all

SSSandy, neighbours of mine do this. They live in England and the husband/father lives here during the week. He flies home every Friday evening and returns Sunday night.

If your DH is out for 12 hours a day, would you actually see much less of him anyway?

Sorry, should explain, we live in Stockholm.

aren't Berliners supposed to be exceptionally rude, anyway?
Also noticed that people in the Rhineland are much ruder than in Schleswig-Holstein.
It might well be much better elsewhere... not sure how you'd find out where is good and where isn't..

Thanks pamina and geekgirl for being so understanding. I know it's not ok to just go on slagging off someone else's country so I try really hard not to do it. Today (although nothing bad has happened), I'm just crying and crying and it's therapeutic to let it out. Don't even really know WHY I am crying TBH

My GP sent me to see a therapist last January. My mum was dying of cancer and all sorts of things were happening. I ended up with severe back pain but he couldn't find a cause for it and suspected it was psychological stress.At the time I wanted to move to NZ (where my parents retired to) to be near them but didn't feel I could seperate dd from dh. I went to see the therapist but I didn't feel right moaning on about how unhappy I was in Germany to her (she was German and it just seemed a rude thing to do). The back pain went away once I realised there was no organic cause but I stopped seeing the therapist since it didn't seem to achieve much.

That's true CC, he only really sees dd at the weekend since he isn't up by the time we have to leave for school and she's asleep by the time he gets home at night. At the weekend he is usually just very very tired but I can see how much she loves him and how important he is to her so I never felt I could do it to either of them - seperating them I mean

sssandy, please, please please don't feel guilty about slagging off the rude Germans. Dh and I find it funny how we can't even go the the supermarket over there without a shop assistant being rude to one of us, but I really couldn't bear to have it as a day in, day out reality.

I am feeling this abit atm SSSandy. My dh working crazy hours, at least I am in a smaller city in Switzerland, but am really looking forwards to a 6 week holiday to NZ in January.

Have lived in many places, but now I have children I am starting to more and more want to have family alot closer. DH is quite happy here.

I am about when you want to chat

Thanks Papillon. I'm a bit tied down with longer holidays now dd has started school, I will need to fit them in around the school holidays, so if I wanted to go to see Dad for a longer period, it would need to be during the NZ winter which is a shame.

The first two weeks of October dd has school holidays though. I think I will go away somewhere with her for a short break, dh can't take time off though.

Actually Pamina, I haven't noticed much overt racism in Germany, although I suspose we might not notice it since it wouldn't be directed at us really. I don't think Germans are more anti-foreigner than other Europeans either TBH. I've had a bit of it but I can't say it's excessive. I think even sometimes people treat me well BECAUSE I'm an (English speaking) foreigner although I don't quite know why this is.

I watched two salesassistants and a security man being really really nasty to an old lady at the checkout yesterday and I just couldn't face getting involved which I felt bad about but I could see it all rebounding onto me and didn't feel strong enough for it. That's the kind of thing that drags me down, it seems so unnecessary

Anyway thanks for listening. Have plastered some make-up on and armed myself with sunglasses, so I feel I can head off and face the day now.

hei Sssandy I've never been in germany, but I can understand what you feel.
you probably know this better than me as you've lived in so many conutries but it does make such a differnce to live somewhere you like and feel in tune with.
It is difficult to explain, even to oneself, why you like or dislike one country but it is so and affects everything really.
I am italian and for the life of me I could not live there. It's great for holiday but the place drags me down to infinite. I know that some of you might think that I am crazy, to prefer dirty, exoensive etc London to the bella italia but I do. I've been here 12 years now and never once contemplated going back.
when you likea place you focus on the good things it gives you and viceversa. and you need a lot less material things and external things to make you happy, IYSWIM.

I cannot see your feelings changing in the future, you've been there long anough.

My suggestion is to move. Fair enought DH is got a great job, but could he try and get an almost good job somewhere else. at the end of the day is about the wellbeing of the whole family isn't it. If you are so unhappy I am sure your kids will feel it and so the relationship with you DH.

I am sorry if I went on and on but it is a dreadful feeling to be in a place you don't like. it's like being in a cage. that is what I felt back in italy. unfortunately not everybody have got the possibilities to relocate but if you do, do not hesitate.

can you move to smaller town then?

I would bet large amounts of cash that it's the city thing and not the country thing that's the bigger problem. expats I meet here often say things like "spain is friendlier than the uk", and then I ask "did you used to live in london?" and they always say yes. capital cities are horrible places to live.

SSSandy- no experience of this at all but was really touched and tickled by your being too polite to tell the German therapist that you felt Germany was crap! You sound like a lovely person and I really hope you find a way to get out of Germany if that's what it takes for you to be happy. I think you're going to have to have a big, big talk with dh, aren't you? I mean 8 years is long enough to know that you don't like the place and you need to see what you can do as a couple to sort things out, I'd guess. I think if dh is worthy of his position as your dh he needs to reassess his priorities if he is honestly putting his job above your happiness. There must be great jobs he could do in other parts of the world too, aren't there?

SSSandy, hope you are feeling OK and your dd is having a nice birthday - as you know I know the feeling you are going through. On bad days everything seems double as bad too. There are somedays I get mad because the unfriendly shop assistants make me scowl and automatically darken my day because I am scowling, other times I can laugh at them and they even sometimes smile back thinking I am being nice to them, then I laugh even more.
I've also thought of moving away with the kids because dh has no time for us, then I think the same as you, even though they hardly see him they love him to bits. Sometimes he is really as if he is on a different planet. His subject at work is so complicated that I can't even understand what he is doing all day (always hated science) and he isn't really interested in hearing about which school teacher shouts too much or how late lunch break is for the kids etc.. maybe we both need a job? You used to teach didn't you?

I've got another idea, this is what I do - I've got dh's cover letter and CV and every job I see on offer in his area of work in a country I want to go to , I send the job application online! Could you start one for your dh? Sometimes they need taken by the hand and helped along abit, we would still be stuck in schwaben land if I hadn't sent all the applications off and believe me it is 100 times worse than berlin , unfriendly isn't the word, it is more like hostile.

regarding, the racism - I have to say in Germany's defence that I was shocked and staggered by the overt racism I encountered in the UK when I came here age 17. I come from a German city with a large Turkish population (Kiel), and don't remember any overt (or covert!) racism. I guess some you get racists individuals there as you do here, but it is certainly considered very wrong to be openly racist (maybe not in some places in deepest East Germany...).

However, it is not considered wrong to be openly rude, oh no!

I'm not sure that smaller towns are much better TBH (having just spent a long weekend in a small town near Cologne). It's a cultural attitude problem.

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