Feeling really :( today, want to leave Germany

[SSSandy]

I know this will offend any Germans on MN but I have to talk about it somewhere, so rather than risk being hurt by what I write, please don't read further!

I don't like to talk about it to Germans I know here for fear of offending them but I hate living in Germany, and apart from the first 3 months when it was all an adventure and I still had my sense of humour intact, I've always disliked it.

I do meet decent people and nice things happen of course but the overwhelming tenor of life here I find so negative and it really really gets me down.

I don't know why I'm writing this other than that I have to get it off my chest. I feel so very sad today (dd's birthday) thinking we may well be here for years to come. I would love for her to grow up somewhere else. I had such a lovely childhood in Africa by comparison where people were so friendly and warm and I wish she had something like that too.

I do try to see the good points about this place and there are some, but I don't think I will ever feel at home or happy here. We're stuck here because of dh's job which is a very good one and well paid. He wouldn't give it up just to do any old thing somewhere else. He would like to stay.

I told him this morning that I would like to leave with dd which is all very well - but where do we go and how is dd going to cope? She's just started school here (6) and hasn't learnt to read or write yet. I see so many difficulties with a move, not to mention her not seeing dh anymore (or very rarely) but I don't feel I can face another year here. I don't know what to do really but I feel I've been here so long now that if I don't like living here by now and I did try, I don't think I ever will

Thanks for that thoughtful reply BB, there's a lot of truth in it. I have to chew it over a bit. It isn't that I haven't spoken to dh about it, the thing is he hasn't chosen to listen. His line is that his job is so stressful and demanding, he'd find it a piece of cake to be a SAHM and just deal with dd instead of sallying forth to fight legal battles all day.

There's some good points there. There is a lot HE could do to improve things for a start, I might have to spell out 2 things and start there. Think it needs to be very concrete otherwise he brushes it all under the carpet. Sometimes I feel he just thinks "well, I'm alright Jack" and that's the end of it.

Do you know, I'd even leap at going to Kazakstan, although it isn't top of my list. At least it's something different!

Maybe I should Sssandy, though I wouldn't know where to find one (feel too old)! should move to london! I've always thought that Germany was an excellent place to raise kids. great childcare and for free. is it not true? by the way, Italy is nice, but if you are shocked by the germans behaviour, then I wouldn' really recommend it (then again it depends on where you go)
and what is budapest like?

I spent one day in Budapest as a tourist so can't judge it. Some nice buildings and pools. I bet the language is a whole lot harder to learn than German though, I couldn't grasp it at all.

Childcare here isn't free and it isn't great either. I think we sometimes make the mistake (from outside Germany that is) of thinking Germany is run like Scandinavia but it isn't. You pay for kindergartens and I thought they weren't much good. If dd hadn't been learning German there, I would have said they were pretty much a waste of time. Think the problem is that the groups are so big and there's a limit to what a carer can do (1 carer and 15 kids of varying age from 3-6).

so what would your "moving" wish list be then?
Mine:

1. Milano
2. anywhere in Spain
3. NYC if i was a millionaire
4. small town in le Marche, but probably can't really do small towns
5. haven't made up my mind yet

My moving list would be 1) Lake district 2) South west France 3) San Sebastian and I would try USA, Canada, or Australia but only if dh got enough money to let us afford flights back to UK! I definately wouldn't go to Japan, China, Pakistan or Isreal (all places dh has applied for jobs in the past) if he got one there then it would make my life easy as I wouldn't have to think twice about packing my bags and going to the Lake District just me and the kids. If not it stays the same dilema as usual. Is it worth staying in a place you don't like, trying to keep the family intact when your dh works all hours , every day and is then so tired that if he does have time off he lies on his back on the sofa watching shopping channel?

How are you today SSSandy?

Budapest is OK to live in - it's a beautiful city although I don't go into city that much.

I am one of those expats who lives in a bubble I am afraid! DS is in a British international school and all my friends are people I have met through school. Lots of Brits, Irish, couple of Aussies etc. (In fact a girl I was really friendly with when I lived in Vietnam is here too and our DS's are in same class in school which is lovely - like having family here!).

I go to the British Women's group here too. So don't have to deal with Hungarian beaurocracy too much. And thankfully DH's secretary is around to help if needed. I have been known to ring the receptionist in the office to get her to translate for me while out shopping!

The language is difficult. I did try but not very hard I must admit! Hungarians tend to be very critical of foreigners trying to speak Hungarian - you don't get much encouragement. Walking into a shop where the sour-faced assistant just stands there and looks blankly at you when you TRY to speak to her in Hungarian is soul-destroying. So I don't bother! Remove the negatives!

admylin, do you mean san sebastian in northern spain? I've been there recently, I think it's fab! I'd move there tomorrow!

Yes I meant the San Sebastian in the Basque part of Spain, I used to live in Biarritz in France and we could drive over the border to San Sebastian in under half an hour, I loved it and the whole area. A city with a really great atmosphere.

Yes! It's an amazing city, I was so taken with it, I kept on looking at the prices of the houses in the estate agents! (and it is not cheap). beautiful, sophisticated, and child-friendly too.

It's one of thos eplaces with everything going for it, you name it, it is available nearby: beach, surf paradise (nice towatch, can't surf myself!), the Pyrenees so plenty of gorgeous lush green countryside and hills, climbing, skiing, city life, France nearby, friendly natives, amazing history (Basque) , greatfood, could go on for ages!

and the young surfers!
I 100% agree

morning all.
sssandy I went for a drink with a friend yesterday and was telling her about this thread and she made me lol as she mentioned the queue jumping at the baker on a saturday before I could even start!!
anyway how are you? I meant to ask you, I've seen on a previous thread that you were thinking to go to sicily or sardinia this past summer. where did you go in the end?

i'm hangover a bit.

Hi notso! How are you doing this morning? In the end we went to Denmark which was lovely but it rained a lot the second week we were there. Nice place, nice people. I think Sicily or Sardinia might have been too hot in August but I might go to Sicily in winter. My hairdresser is from Palermo and he is a scream, I never get a word in edgeways. Literally have to grab his arm and shout if I really have to say something important - NOT A FRINGE!!!! He says October is the best time to go.

Still thinking about where my first choice would be, where I would really love to move to. Admylin and Franca are doing a pretty good job on selling San Sebastian so far. I'm particularly interested in the young surfers. I could take some knitting and a capuccino and perch on the waterfront watching them all morning. Would you care to join me?

Hey

SSSandy, I think after 8 years in Berlin and being in the position you are in - can you really see it improving.

You seem to me to be there for your dd and your dh and have nothing for yourself. I think that lack of opportunity is soul destroying and a person needs goals and satisfaction from the lives we have.

You mentioned that working in Berlin has been a bad experience, obviously one you are not willing to try again? In that case, what future do you envisage there? I think the option 1 you posted to me could apply to you also??

there you go, my attempt!!

I don´t know where San Sebastian is but young surfers sound promising

BudaB, think those bubbles are fine things TBH. I went for the total immersion experience and I am not sure it was the right way to go.

Slowly getting myself back under control now I think thanks to MN. This is probably just a bad phase which will pass. Haven't felt so teary and weird before but I've certainly been down before. I notice when people look me in the eye, I always feel like I'm going to burst out crying. Actually the other day I was wondering if it could be a kind of delayed reaction to my mother's death. I couldn't cry much when she died a year ago, I felt numb and wooden and maybe that is breaking out of me now too.

Saw that they have Taize one Friday a month at the church affiliated to dd's school. That would be tonight. Think I might try it. Not sure what to expect but it should be peaceful. Planning to go and try it.

I'm fine, hangover though. and DD is playing with some musical toy which is doing my head in!!

I'll join you anytime my dear. nothing beats a sruffy young surfer!!

august def too hot anywhere in italy.it's a hard chioce but I'd go for the eolian island in sicily.

at least you've got a hairdresses in berlin. i've been here 12 years and still haven't found
one worth going back!! mind you I'm not very assertive when it comes to hairdressers... i'm a wimp!
!

You did NOT go for A drink last night, dear, now did you? Lucky you, you had a real night out and got drunk! Break the musical toy - fast. Sometimes mothers just have no choice.

I used to have a really good hairdresser here. An old man who had to slap one hand on the other wrist when he was cutting because the cutting hand was shaking so much. It was a bit worrying to watch, so I'd tend to close my eyes and pray it would work out. He was the best hairdresser I ever had but eventually he had to call it a day. Then I tried several, one experience worse than the next before I discovered this guy. He's a nutcase but he knows how to make you look GOOD.

Oh paps you don't think I'd follow my own advice, do you? Feel I've done my bit here and I really only want to leave. I think I was hoping you'd suggest I'd hire the Russian mafia, get dh kidnapped and sent off to San Sebastian with the warning that they'd break his knees if he ever returned to his current job. But sadly you didn't...

NextYearInSanSebastian

SSSandy I am resident pacifist, harmonious spiritual butterfly of MN would never advocate such techniques!

have got some excellent manipulative witchy poo spells if you need one

Oh I wouldn't let them HURT him, just get him worried.

Desperate times, desperate measures.

Just been on the phone to my mother for last hour. She has been my listening ear for quite awhile now. Its only recently that I have gone "public" to friends and now MN.

How about you get kidnapped by scruffy surfers and your dh has to be the hero and come save you. In the meantime you develop taste for other sandy shores - kidnapped or not!

(((()))) about losing your Mum. I think delayed reactions can happen especially when you are far away from family at such times. We lost dh father 2 weeks after ds was born and for awhile all I felt was anger. It was not till recently I "realised" he was really gone.

sssandy, so sorry to hear about your mother, and I think you are right, this might also be a delayed reaction, which is just adding up to the other things that make you unhappy. I think you really need to do something for yourself, not dh, or dd, maybe go to the hairdresser from palermo more often? only joking! and if you feel like crying, do it, it's really terapeutic. (I often cry listening to some very cheesy italian pop music....)
yes, reckon we should all move to san sebastian. learn basque (which seems a bit difficult), learn knitting and sell posh knitwear for kids, as they are v. elegant in that city. it's a flexible job and gives you time to hang around the surfers beach...
I also second that palermo is beautyful in october. dh and i went ages ago (before kids), remember sitting in the gardern of a bar at midnight, still so warm... have to work now. ciao

I wonder ifthere are any big research type hospitals or universities in San Sebastian, doubt it though, that rules me moving with dh!
There's this old part of the city, all cobbled streets and tapas bars and you turn a corner and there at the end is the amazing old church, did you go down that street Franca70? I always remember that street and the church, I could just imagine going in and it being cool and calm and so peacefull, I think of it when I'm stressed. I never went inside so it's like an imaginary place where everything is OK.