DH has been offered a job in Singapore and I DON'T want to go!

[egypt]

I've always known that this would be a possibilty since dh joined the company but kind of put it to the back of my mind, hoping it wouldn't ever come up. we have a 2 year old dd and love where we live in the uk. great friends, very close family who live 3 hours away?! dd has her little network of friends etc etc etc. we are trying for a second baby and have done the expat thing before having dd - in riyadh, saudi. we had a ball but i feel as though i've been there, done that. and i didnt want to do it in the first place, was just pushed along by dh. now i want to settle, have my family, have a stable and consistent upbringing for them and i am scared to death. have told dh all this and he is gutted that i am not happy about it but is still wanting to go! i am hurt that he is still wanting it knowing that i am totally against it. and i know that if i said i wasnt going he wouldnt but would always think 'what if' and i don't want to be the one to ruin everything. the main reason is my mum.. she is a great nanny and loves dd to bits. she doesnt work, doesnt see us much more than once a month, and it would totally destroy her. seriously. i can't do that to her.....but then should i be living my life to what she wants. ? help!?

you wouldn't be living your life by what your mum wants though would you? It sounds like YOU don't want to go.

And anyway as it goes I think even if your mum was the only reason to stay then it still might be better to stay. I want to move home for the same reason (though there are other reasons).

If you feel like this now, I think you'd be mad to consider it tbh - singapore is a HUGE culture shock prob more than Riyadh

where are you?

i think my main reason for not going is cos of her, but like you say, that is a good enough reason is it not? and if i don't want to go because of her then I don't want to go myself, iyswim. dh's argument is that i always knew he was the sort who wanted to do this kind of thing, but then my argument is he always knew that i was the sort that didn't! this is a nightmare. anyway, it wouldnt be for ever and i can see his point in that we would be back before dd is of compulsory school age....but still.

Spain - only 2000 miles and 3 hours on the plane. somewhere as far as singapore would kill me I think.

he sounds like my dh!

how long would you be going for? not permanent might make a difference, though knowing what I know about living abroad with kids (and having a mother with a flying phobia) I think I would still say no. some people like it though.

that would suck. would just be too damn far.

my folks went w/shell, but it was after my sister and i had flown the coop.

soory, not been in your situation but your post caught my eye as it sounds such a very difficult situation - how stressful for you and DH to be so poles apart in your views.....

what is it your DH wants so much about going? Is it the experiencing other cultures aspect, or is it to further his job by going where they want him to?

To be honest if this was me I think I might judge it on his reasons....if they have nothing to do with your children but all to do with his wants and his career then I think I would feel strong in not wanting to go; I think family is very important to children, more important than place. They have a loving nanny to see in this country but won't have that in singapore. They are only children once and these years never come round again, and nannies don't last forever!

I also agree with you in that there is alot to be said for a stable and consistent upbringing, and many children who have moved around with parent's jobs will testify to how difficult they found it.

Sure there are some people out there who will be along with the other side as well though!

Good luck, whatever happens..

Defintely closeness to family can be an issue, other than you usually get a decent chunk of home leave, and also granny can come and stay for a month. So she may havemore contact overall, not less.

Looking at the positives, Singapore has a great expat network, and in terms of domestic help it is hard to beat when you have a youngster. There is a great network of mums all in the same boat (fewer dads as whilst dads will travel out, following their wives, the cheap nannies tends to mean that they are playing a lot of tennis/golf). It's easy to travel around if you want to, and even if dd is a bit young it will broaden your horizons a bit which could have a positive impact on your family (I'm not suggesting that your horizons aren't broad but I do find that travel helps me put things into a different perspective).

But it does dpeend on how much it meets your goasl as a fmaily. Does it enhance dh's futur career, what about cash - is it lucrative and does it mean that when you return and settle in 3 years you can settle more comfortably?

I felt exactly the same when DH was offered a job in Singapore 4.5 years ago. I really didn't want to go, and being a long way away from my family was one reason.

But the more I thought about my reasons for not going, the more they all seemed to be based on fear of change. So I said yes, but cried about it every night for 3 months until we left.

I am really glad we went. We had a fantastic time in Singapore. There is, as Ladymuck says, a great expat community, cheap domestic help (how I miss Pearl!), good healthcare, all-year swimming, great schools, and the opportunity to go to lots of interesting places. We visited Thailand, Malaysia, Indonesia and Australia, all of them several times.

My parents are in good health and came to see us twice every year for 2 weeks or more. We had lots of other visitors too. We came back at Christmas the first year and the following summer for a few weeks.

DH's contract was for 2 years and we chose to come back then for work-related reasons, but I could happily have stayed another couple of years.

Good luck with your decision. It is a really tough one and I hated the upheaval of moving. But for us it was worthwhile in the end.

My dad and stepmum live in Singapore and it's a really amazing place for families. It's so, so safe, the whole culture is centred around families and you can take kids absolutely everywhere and they are welcomed with open arms. The healthcare is fantastic so pregnancy/birth wouldn't be an issue. It's custom out there to have a maid who cooks, cleans and does some of the childcare for you - motherhood without the drudgery! From an upbringing point of view, your child(ren) would have some fantastic experiences and because they're not going to be at school for a while you won't disrupt them too much from an educational point of view.
I understand the point about your families and grandparents but I'm assuming it's only for a set amount of time and the company will pay for so many flights a year? It only cost us £300 for an adult ticket last year so it's not totally unmanageable.
I personally would see it as a fantastic opportunity for you, your dd and your dh to have a few amazing years before you get caught up in the whole schooling issues and to give your dd experiences she is never going to get living in the UK.
Also it will give your mum the chance to have some great, quality time with your dd. When my dad announced he was moving over there I was gutted that he would miss out on ds and dd but it actually works out that he's seen more of them since he's been there than he did when he lived here. The gap between visits is long but the time he does have with them more than makes up for it.

thanks so much for your messages. they do make me feel much better. it is for work reasons yes, moving with the same company and would be for 2-3 years. when we returned we would be based where we are now and he'd be in a much better situation financially and career-wise from it. i wouldnt have to work again and it would prob mean we could meet his dream to retire at 55! so it kind of seems selfish of me to say no. i know i would love it as i did riyadh and that had some really tough aspects to it. it is the right time to do it - before schooling etc. i read that children start school at 7 though, and if we return when dd is 4/5 will she have missed out on some schooling? or does the british schools there begin at 4? (i am a primary school teacher actually and worked in the brit school in riyadh, so i do feel quite comfortable with that side of things and if it comes to it, i guess i could give her some schooling myself!)

but...with another baby hopefully on the way, i fear that i'll be struggling without my mum. she stays here or i go her her once a month ith for a week so she does get quality time with dd. she would be getting a lot less. and although i could come home as often finances allow, i dont think i could face or manage or survive~! a 12 hour flight with a toddler and poss a baby too.

i guess its something i have to work out for myself. i do resent dh for doing this to me though.

Well practically, don't worry about coping day to day when you're out there (you've been told about the maids haven't you?!). Your worry there will be how to manage when you return home!

In terms of schooling, if she is returning to the UK then she's unlikely to miss much as she'll be going into reception. I think that the British school does start earlier though, anmd there are even British playgroups from the age of 3, so she won't have to miss out at all.

But I don't think that that is the point is it? This seems to be more about you and dh's relationship and expectations of the future. And you do mention that you're scared - what are you scared of?

You have done it for him in the past and didn't like it. You really don't want to go this time. DON'T go, even if it is temporary (I was told we were going for 6 months and it's already 8 yrs, if anything I miss my family and culture more every year that goes by). I wish I had never agreed as the more time we are away the most difficult it becomes that we return...

That is very true, you are the one left to cope with the local culture. Unless you want to spend all the time indoors.

chandra, at 8 years.

8 years is a lifetime. i did love the time spent in riyadh but wanted to come home and start a family on home soil. it isnt a set time limit, and yes 2 years could quite possibly tuen into 8 but i wouldnt/couldnt let it and he would be well aware that i would be coming home with or without him. the terrible thing is i would rather he went without me than i went with him. i couldnt say that to him, it would be like saying i wanted us to split up. i know there would be fantastic help out there, we had it in riyadh. i would be able to spend quality time with dd whilst the housework was done by someone else! but i am concerned that she will somehow be scarred by the whole experience. i wish i was more optimistic. i dont know how i could cope with a second baby though without my family. dh would be working an awful lot as well as working away! i guess i would make new friends. but have new friends here!!! arrgh

was in riyadh for 2 yrs by the way

Did you say your mum wasn't working? Presumably then if you had another baby out there she could come to stay for a month or even two? In fact, even if you didn't have another baby she could come for long visits and see a lot of your DD. I'm not saying you should go if you really don't want to, but I really don't think your DD would be scarred by the experience -- I think she'd gain a lot from it.

God I'll go with him!
Singapore is fantastic. Bloody love it!

Unfortunately dh's jobs take him to less...polished parts of the globe.

Your allegience should lie with your dh and keeping your family together,not with your mother.

Consider soaring divorce rate amongst separated expat couples......

'scarred'????

What??????

My kids are definitely not scarred by their experience - they made friends we still see and keep in contact with, they had a great time hanging out with their friends, they went to school and did all the normal things children do.
Moving back was a bit upsetting, but they quickly found new friends back in the UK.

There are lots of international schools in Singapore and the British school (Tanglin Trust) has a nursery from 3 and reception from 4, and follows the National Curriculum. But there are lots of other kindergartens and smaller schools as well. Schooling is one thing you don't need to worry about.

I was scared of change, but it was a good thing we did it. But I really know how you feel.

I don't think you need to resent your dh about this. As a family you have to pull together as a unit and at the moment as I understand it, he's the sole income earner and the family is dependent on his job. He's been offered a position abroad which will bring financial benefits short and long-term and career-enhancement so he would be mad not to take it and I think it's a bit unfair to expect him to. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it seems somehow obvious to me.

Wonder what the effect on your relationship will be if he lets this chance go by because of your attitude? Might not be good.

In any case, hope it all works out well for you whatever you both decide.

thanks all. guess i need a kicking up the backside. i should be with dh on this. it does all seem to make sense to do it. i'm just such a homebird. have had my friend telling me that children who are dragged around the world end up somehow troubled by the fact that their friendships and lifestyle changes so dramatically so quickly.

i need to tell my mum