DH has been offered a job in Singapore and I DON'T want to go!

[egypt]

I've always known that this would be a possibilty since dh joined the company but kind of put it to the back of my mind, hoping it wouldn't ever come up. we have a 2 year old dd and love where we live in the uk. great friends, very close family who live 3 hours away?! dd has her little network of friends etc etc etc. we are trying for a second baby and have done the expat thing before having dd - in riyadh, saudi. we had a ball but i feel as though i've been there, done that. and i didnt want to do it in the first place, was just pushed along by dh. now i want to settle, have my family, have a stable and consistent upbringing for them and i am scared to death. have told dh all this and he is gutted that i am not happy about it but is still wanting to go! i am hurt that he is still wanting it knowing that i am totally against it. and i know that if i said i wasnt going he wouldnt but would always think 'what if' and i don't want to be the one to ruin everything. the main reason is my mum.. she is a great nanny and loves dd to bits. she doesnt work, doesnt see us much more than once a month, and it would totally destroy her. seriously. i can't do that to her.....but then should i be living my life to what she wants. ? help!?

When we lived in Singapore we didn't go home to UK once nor did any grandparents visit us, it would have been far too expensive - we all survived- lots of letters were written in those days plus photos exchanged- I think with the internet and phone calls nowadays what's the problem?

Eygpt - we are going to be Singapore at the end of September because of DH's job.

However, my parents live in Malaysia so this move makes sense for us, both career and family-wise.

I understand what it means to live away from family and the support of your mother.

I gave birth to both my kids in the UK and both times, my mother travelled over to stay with me for several months.

When I moved here 8 years ago, I didn't want to come, I hated the weather, I resented DH for bringing me back here (had lived here in my teens while at boarding school and university and had decided the weather wasn't for me).

However 8 years on, I'm really quite content with my life here, we have a good network of friends and DH's family, we both have good careers, we love where we live, we get to see my parents twice a year (they come over once and we go over once).

Now we are about to give this all up and undergo a lot of change. DH and I have talked this through and we are by no means going into this thinking we will love it and it will be a blast. We are tempering our expectations and giving ourselves 6 months to a year to fully settle in to Singapore, but the bottom line for me is that this will be a really good career move for DH and will enable me to give up work for a while to spend more time with the kids.

Good luck, whatever you decide!

And I've even come to terms with the British weather

morning. thanks guys. i clearly need to bite the bullet.. keeping in touch is no problem with the internet i agree, just dont want dd to not know her grandparents. but then again, as i speak dd is peeling off stickers saying 'which one would grandad like?' and she hasnt seen him for 6 weeks! i guess they remember and expecially as they get older and see them for longer periods although less frequent they dont forget.

Egypt, don't worry about the flights at all. I was dreading them when we went out to visit my dad and it flew by. We had 2.2 month ds and 6 month dd. dd slept almost the whole way (we took the 6pm flight out of london) in a bassinet on the wall and ds was quite happy looking around for a bit, watched dvds on dh computer then went to sleep for 6 hours. We flew singapore airlines and the cabin crew were just lovely. When ds was getting a bit fractious they brought him little toys and sweets and helped to distract him. They were great.

As for money, I know my dad pays about 10% tax on his wages so even if your dh stays on the same money you'll have far more coming home than you do now! Will his company contribute towards your rent? That makes a massive difference to my dad's income, and the everyday cost of living is so much lower than over here. So school fees, etc won't be as huge a cost as you think.

Running a car is expensive out there but it depends on the size of car you buy. You have to buy a permit to drive and they only release a certain number each year so it depends on how many the release as to how expensive it is. The more they release the cheaper it is.

If you get the chance to visit out there with your dh before he says yes I'm sure my stepmum would show you round and help reassure you a bit more. She's got several friends with children who would know about schools etc. Just let me know!!

I'm sure if you do decide to go you will have a wonderful few years.

Funny that this thread has come up now. I've just returned from a business trip to Singapore, which is the hub for our Asian offices. From the moment I touched down in Singapore, I've been wondering how I could swing a year or two out there!

My brother and his family live in Tasmania and so I see him infrequently (once a year max) but for long periods (he's about to stay with us for three weeks). At some level, the duration does compensate for the infrequency. I think you really need to make sure that whatever accommodation you get in Singapore it's big enough for your mother to stay for a good long while on each visit.

Egypt this is a bit of a bombshell isn't it? I really wouldn't worry about DD - they are still so adaptable at this age. And she has built up a good relationship with her grandparents already. If you see them twice a year for extended periods - them to you once and you to them once that relationship would continue. And the webcam, phone and photos would be a great way of keeping her memories alive. If you have another baby you could always come home and stay with your Mum to give birth if you felt happier that way or she could come out to you. It is a dilemma though and I know I would find it hard. TBH I wouldn't do it now because of DS but think I would have considered it 3 years ago when he was DD's age. Hope you can sort out your mind and decide what are your real issues and priorities.

hey egypt!!! sounds like a good opportunity to me (although i might put a deffinite end date on it! unless later on you might want to stay longer )

i haven't been to singapore but reading back it seems like a good health system, secure, good schools, beaches, cheap living, sun .. what else do you need

i understand that you are scared (i was when i moved to the uk! and oh boy, did my mum not like it )

but as someone said since your mum is not working she could stay for longer periods. and maybe you could fly back with together (help with the kid(s)) - and stay there for a while

there is always a solution. and if you look ahead: a life where you won't have to work and dh can retire sooner - not worth it?!

drop me a line anytime!!

Hi egypt. too many threads to read! have you actually talk about it with your mum? she might surprise you and tell you to grab the chance?! and nowadays "grannies" fly and want to have fun... like visiting the grandchildren abroad giving them a chance to do something different?! not meaning to be harsh at all but do you think you may be taking your mum as an "excuse" because you really don't want to go or are very scared? why are you scared? what of? i am not british so i know it can be "hard" sometimes to miss the family and their everyday life but it is not as if you saw your mum every week? do you feel trapped by your dh's decision? this may be the chance of a lifetime and you might not even want to come back?! we live in london and dd is in a creche where i think over 2/3 of the children are if not non british half british. Its fantastic and broadens their horizons no end. your child will have a ball. they must be lots of other women in your situation overthere too. also from a financial point of view it is only 2 years to guarantee good career prospects for your dh to provide for his family. this is team work. we had a similar chance and did not grab it. dh has lost his job and been looking for 18 months and still nothing. we can't help wondering whether we took the wrong decision by staying in the uk because of his family... must be hard for a non working expat i agree but also an opportunity. do what is best for you but pls let us know how it went with your mum... and the sooner you tell her the better. good luck

Unfortunately it still takes 12+ hours to fly to Singapore but they have movies and games on demand on Singapore Airlines, and lots of movies and games on BA too. My boys loved the flights.

In terms of culture shock, there is such a huge Anglo-speaking expat community (and of course English is spoken almost universally in Singapore, as it is the first language of middle class Singaporeans - shops, TV, road signs, baby classes etc) that it is not that shocking. I took out loads of stuff like Marmite and then found I didn't need any of it.

Cost of living is generally cheap, though housing and cars are expensive - excellent public transport, though, and very cheap, efficient, bookable taxis. Lots of my friends just used taxis because you can book one to turn up in 5 minutes, usually, and they are so cheap.

There is a handy IKEA where you can get household basics really cheaply as well as loads of more interesting stores for home decorating and furniture.

I would find this hard, Egypt. I don't know why mums are so comforting to have nearby but I have found mine so, so supportive since having DDs and am not sure how that comfort would work over a loong distance. She will just.. come over.... if I am in a state about something. (And then normally I find I'm perfectly capable after all, and feel guilty for dragging her out.) You have done enough travelling to know more than I do about the logistics of these things. But you do have my sympathy about that.

I don't think you should worry about DD though. She will be absolutely fine. It sounds fab for her! Look after yourself, and your mum, and make sure you have enough confidence in whatever decision you make not to feel hard done by.

2 years is not so long if you can be sure it's only that. You may feel like a homebird now, but I bet when you're travelling you enjoy it just as much as ever you did.

Will be thinking about you.

I don't envy you, Egypt, with a decision like that to make. Even though your DD has her 'network of friends', she's not yet old enough to feel torn away from them. I bet her life would be enriched by the experience. So, I'd make the decision for you and you only.

I always try to remember that I have the power to change most things in life if I am not happy. Then new things don't seem so scary. I think I would probably make the decision to go on that basis. I would keep it in mind that, if I were completely miserable, I could always come back again! You may well end up really loving it.How would your DH feel about calling it quits (or you coming back without him for a bit) if you had given it a good go and weren't happy? Would it ruin his career path?

i think tbh we would have to see it out until he got the career move opportunity to come back here and although he is saying 2-3 yrs now (prob just to persuade me) i wouldnt be surprised if it was dragged out. i would make a stand and demand to come home like i did in riyadh. but that could mean him losing out, yes. thats what happened when we left there. since then he has changed companies.

i do see mum about once a month now for a few good days at a time so would def see her less frequently but obv for longer periods. i guess it wouldnt be that much different. i could stand the lifestyle, i know. and i think dd would have a ball. i guess i have to put our family first and this is the best thing for us. we talked with my mum a year ago about this possibility and she was very worried and said how she would have to live with it somehow, etc. guilt! although she is by no means someone who tries to make you feel guilty. she says if i am happy then she is happy, but seriously she would go to pot. i need to go - working today

cheers guys you are all great x

i'd hate to be in your shoes Egypt and hope all will work out. Your mum sounds great. did you speak to her again recently? since this move is very likely now and not just of "what if?", she may bring you lots of wisdom. thinking of you. you know we are here if you need to unload!

Egypt, this thread may be helpful (sorry, crap at links)
www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=1375&threadid=161807#3404626

Try again:
this may be helpful

egypt - I've read this thread with interest as I was in your shoes a couple of years ago. I was pregnant at the time and reluctant to move abroad for all the reasons you mention. I ended up going along with what DH wanted and now here we all are living in the Cayman Islands. All my doubts were justified - the problems with being here are as I suspected. In the end though, I don't think we made a mistake coming here (you only have one life and have to take opportunities when they come along) but I will be glad to return to the UK whenever that happens! Good luck with whatever you decide!

What's it to be, then?

Are you O.K?

well, we are off! i am actually quite excited about the whole thing now as basically, my mum is ok! told her on friday and she was actually fine. said obviously she'd prefer us to stay but wouldnt dream of stopping us or pressurizing us and would feel dreadful if she thought we weren;t going just cos of her. have told her all the great things we will do and what a great quality of life we'll have - even if that doesnt turn out to be true. phew..

thanks so much foryour help, everyone. x

What an interesting thread, came across it as I was reading old threads about returning to UK or leaving it.
Wonder how the move turned out in the end of @egypt