Shocked by friend's callous treatment of terminally ill husband

[terrorvisionary]

A friend of mine retired and moved 500 miles away last year. Sadly, not long after the move her husband was diagnosed with cancer and that has now become a terminal diagnosis. He probably has three or four months at the most.
Because of having only recently moved, my friend doesn't have a support network of close friends there. They moved there imagining a good twenty or more years of retirement, and this is a terrible blow. My friend does not seem to be coping very well at all. I have been to see her twice, but I am disabled and also a carer so it's not easy for me to make a 1000 mile round trip.
What has shocked me in recent weeks is how bitter she has become. She said she hates her husband for ruining her life, says she hopes he dies sooner rather than later (her words were that she's counting the days till she's free), and is unrecognisable as my friend. I know grief is different for everyone, but this callousness is shocking.
Her husband was in hospital but is now at home on end of life care with carers coming in several times a day. The other day I received a text from her ranting about the carers as they had expressed serious concerns about her. She was calling them fucking bitches, all the names under the sun. The reason for their concern? My friend has been leaving the house at around 6 every evening and coming back late morning having spent every night in a hotel, leaving her husband alone. The carers found him on the floor in agony the other day as he had fallen out of bed during the night, and had been like that for eight hours. My friend said I'd do the same if it was my husband, which I said no I wouldn't. She went berserk at me saying I didn't understand, and the sooner he dies the better. I felt physically sick at her words. I just don't know what to do. She's going to need support when he dies, but she actually said she'll crack open the champagne when he does. They have had a good relationship and this is so out of character.

She's not being callous OP she's in the middle of a breakdown. She needs to see her GP urgently.

I agrée with this. The behaviour is completely out of character, from what you say; she is going to pieces. So horribly distressing for them and for you too. Will she listen, do you think, if you tell her to get help?

She might listen, but she sees everything as criticism at the moment.

I would contact social services as the husband is very vulnerable and clearly not being looked after by your friend, he needs to go to a hospice or similar.

Agree with posters above - shock and grief do very strange things to people and anger is part of grief. Clearly a vulnerable person is at risk here. Hopefully the carers have reported the situation but you can anonymously report a vulnerable adult at potential risk.

She's having some kind of crisis/breakdown. It's far more complicated than being callous.

A close family member of mine died last year, and I couldn't bear being around them.

I couldn't bear seeing them in pain, suffering, deteriorating, dying slowly. I was having panic attacks at the thought of seeing them, on one occasion I vomited in the hospital car park. It was as if my brain just couldn't accept having to witness them suffer.

At one point I was considering crashing my car or injuring myself so I'd be hospitalised and hopefully medicated. I wasn't exactly suicidal, I just couldn't stand watching them slowly die.

I would take diazepam before visiting, then drink a bottle of wine when I got home, to wipe out the images I'd seen when with them. I couldn't cope with their deterioration at all.

I know that several family members said I was cold, I let my family member down, I should have been there for them more.

I wish I could have done. But the whole situation made me mentally ill.

I agree that if this is not how she is day to day then this is a reaction to this horrendous situation. In other circumstances she'd probably be horrified.

I would talk to her and tell her you think she needs help herself and that maybe it would be kinder for all of them if her husband wasn't being cared for at home. If she doesn't listen then I would raise my worries with social care or his local MacMillan team.

Honestly, I wouldn't want my husband having end of life care at home. I'm caring but I'm not a natural carer. I've had a family member die at home and it was horrible for everyone.

gosh this is so sad.... have they got hospice involved?? i have worked with patients where the non-cancer partner has killed themselves during this end of life period and at the very least she sounds in urgent need of support, i'm hoping the carers themselves will have flagged safe guarding issues as this is a terrible situation for them both to be in.

Agree with PP. She's having a breakdown, she's not handling this at all and she needs help. For both their sakes.

They both need additional help here. I agree that she sounds like she is having a MH crisis and needs medical treatment and he needs some who is able to look after him 24/7, which probably means a full time caring team moving in or going to a hospice.

Hospice care is very sparse where she isi do think he should at least be in hospital. I agree that end of life care at home is tough - we experienced that with FIL.
I love my friend but she can be a tricky character, prone to cutting off people who don't agree with her. She doesn't much like the idea of antidepressants.

Perhaps she’s furious with him for dying and leaving her?

@RudsyFarmer I think that could be part of it. They are both in their early sixties and up until his diagnosis her husband was one of those people who was never ill, hugely physically fit and so supportive of her. Her first husband was a waste of space, and she's been saying she wishes he was dying instead.

She is in crisis mode. She needs help. I know you can't support her but please don't vilify her.

If this is out of character for her, then I would say she is really not coping with what is happening. She moved away with her dh, they had their future planned out and then bam! he won't be there for it. I would be absolutely furious if this were me with my dh.
Don't push her away, she needs your help, despite how she is acting.

She's experiencing an absolutely horrific trauma.

It's easy for you to say "I wouldn't do xyz" but you've never been in her shoes so in the nicest way possible you do not know that and cannot possibly say how you would behave.

She needs compassion and support not judgement.

Disgusting behaviour from your friend. I couldn’t stay friends with someone that said they hope their husband dies sooner and would leave him on the bedroom floor in pain.

@ApolloandDaphne I'm not going to vilify her. I have a lot of sympathy and wish she was nearer so I could help more (she says she regrets moving). It was just so shocking to see those stark words when she texted me. I know it's out of character and feel she does need help.

Yeh I’m sure he wants to die of cancer and for his wife to treat him like crap in his final days.

That’s no excuse for her treatment of him.

She's got attachment issues I expect and the thought of losing her husband is making her frantically reject him before he can abandon her. It's childhood stuff that's been activated probably. You probably can't help much, but tell social care if you have any concerns about him that you don't know the carers have reported.

This 👏

Thé OP is not looking to judge or excuse. She simply wants to help. I think the discussion should be approached in that spirit.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this.

I hope you're ok now! 💐

Thank you

@MinionsHooray Not excusing her behaviour but you dont know what went on in her marriage prior to this. Ive seen posts on the Relationships board where the DH has ignored his wife for years emotionally and sexually yet still expects her to care for him i old age.