Shocked by friend's callous treatment of terminally ill husband

[terrorvisionary]

A friend of mine retired and moved 500 miles away last year. Sadly, not long after the move her husband was diagnosed with cancer and that has now become a terminal diagnosis. He probably has three or four months at the most.
Because of having only recently moved, my friend doesn't have a support network of close friends there. They moved there imagining a good twenty or more years of retirement, and this is a terrible blow. My friend does not seem to be coping very well at all. I have been to see her twice, but I am disabled and also a carer so it's not easy for me to make a 1000 mile round trip.
What has shocked me in recent weeks is how bitter she has become. She said she hates her husband for ruining her life, says she hopes he dies sooner rather than later (her words were that she's counting the days till she's free), and is unrecognisable as my friend. I know grief is different for everyone, but this callousness is shocking.
Her husband was in hospital but is now at home on end of life care with carers coming in several times a day. The other day I received a text from her ranting about the carers as they had expressed serious concerns about her. She was calling them fucking bitches, all the names under the sun. The reason for their concern? My friend has been leaving the house at around 6 every evening and coming back late morning having spent every night in a hotel, leaving her husband alone. The carers found him on the floor in agony the other day as he had fallen out of bed during the night, and had been like that for eight hours. My friend said I'd do the same if it was my husband, which I said no I wouldn't. She went berserk at me saying I didn't understand, and the sooner he dies the better. I felt physically sick at her words. I just don't know what to do. She's going to need support when he dies, but she actually said she'll crack open the champagne when he does. They have had a good relationship and this is so out of character.

@JenniferBooth What on earth are you talking about?

I agree. She has history of being difficult too. Horrible, nasty woman.

@PatchworkDonkey please could you share some stories of the exemplary ways you’ve acted during times of crisis? I’m sure it would be edifying to so many readers and help them avoid giving in to their baser instincts the next time they are living through the unimaginable.

@drpet49 She is absolutely not horrible and nasty. She's not perfect, but this behaviour is completely out of character which is why I'm so concerned and shocked.

Anticipatory grief. Anger is an easier emotion to deal with than sadness. Also depending on the cancer it can really change a person sometimes. Brain cancer can cause severe personality changes and the person they were has gone before they have passed. Also caring for someone is another challenge.
It sounds like she’s not coping and needs help

You should be concerned. Your friend is lashing out as she’s in the midst of hell. Support her any way you can and stop judging.

@BriarHare Being shocked by out of character behaviour is not judging. I am concerned for my friend and her husband and want to help.

I agree with @Highdaysandholidays1 and @PimpMyFridge re. adult social services. Is there anyone else close to them (family, for example) whom you could inform as well. You don’t need to tell them all the details, just that the couple isn’t coping.

It also may be the case that the burden of caring, which is hideous in itself, is bringing out either mental health problems or other issues (cognitive decline, dementia) in your friend. It sounds like she's moved house and now losing her husband, she is not coping.

No-one is suggesting you go there yourself, you can't sort it out anyway in person, better to get on the phone to the adult social services (perhaps she's in Jersey or the Isle of Man or very far away in Scotland, but if in the UK there will be one) and report your concerns.

Those saying that there won't be help- you don't know that for sure although the system is dire, the most likely help will be to consider a home or hospice or hospital, my relative was not safe overnight and was moved to a hospice on this basis (and had 24 hour night care as well prior to that). Not saying the system isn't creaking, but it's always worth asking and asserting your statutory rights (like your friends who would have a carer's assessment). They can move fast if they have to...(but no guarantees, I agree). I would phone adult social services as the right thing to do, as you must be worried about both her and him.

I don't think adding made-up stuff into the mix is very helpful in this case

Some palliative care patients dread the thought of going into hospice care, but my heart goes out to the poor husband in this case. As it's a recent house move, so far away from support, it won't feel like home to him, so he's between a rock and a hard place. The OP has mentioned that her friend has said she regrets moving. all that upheaval and now for this diagnosis.

It sounds like she's having a mental health crisis which is leading to some very poor choices. But it could also be reactivating trauma in some way for her, this happened to a relative of mine who ended up leaving their spouse quite quickly after diagnosis because of the way the spouse behaved. Spouse had been 'left' by a previous ex and the diagnosis just triggered this narcissistic rage in them. (Obvs varying details because it's extremely outing).

But whatever the reason, your priority has to be the sick person. You should make an emergency SW referral tomorrow, he needs hospice or failing that hospital care. This isn't about supporting your friend, this is about getting the husband the care he needs. You're focusing on the wrong things.

Her husband is very vulnerable and being neglected. She may well be having a mental health crisis, but he is the priority. Report this to their local adult social services.

I wonder if she has anyone where she lives that she can talk to: if not maybe she is 'unloading' onto OP as a safe place to say the unsayable. As others have said sounds like she is not coping, maybe venting to OP will help her a little, and of course that the husband gets the care he needs. A terrible, sad situation

But,as others have said, there may be more to it than this. Since we don’t know for sure, a bit of compassion might be needed.

But whatever the reason, your priority has to be the sick person. You should make an emergency SW referral tomorrow, he needs hospice or failing that hospital care. This isn't about supporting your friend, this is about getting the husband the care he needs. You're focusing on the wrong things.

This. Whether the wife is going through a breakdown or whatever the husband needs to be the main priority here. He should be in a place where he is receiving 24/7 care. Your friend also needs to be able to be his wife, not his carer.

@JenniferBooth pick your moment to make it political won’t you?

@terrorvisionary it’s quite clear that your friend needs tangible help. Her situation sounds like a nightmare and it’s not surprising she’s not coping but it’s also clearly going to be negatively affecting her dh. I’m also not sure how well she’ll cope with this in the future..

Practically you can contact macmillan, local hospices, their GP if you can narrow it down to their area and social services (though I wouldn’t hold my breath on that one) and try and get the ball rolling on someone being able to take her dh ideally to a hospice.

It’s all very sad.

I would definitely contact adult social services and MacMillan on their behalf. This is very sad and sounds out of character.

If it’s out of character I would say it’s fear. I wonder if she’s leaving the house at night because she’s scared of waking up next to him dead? Also, was it more his decision to move away? Because then there could also be a lot of anger that she now feels very isolated and blames him. If there relationship never involved her having to take care of him in anyway though it could also mean she doesn’t cope well in a crisis.
Im not sure I could remain friends with her if I’m honest, her behaviour sounds callous whatever her reasons.

Unless you've cared for someone very sick or terminally ill, you really don't know how you would react. It's very draining and makes you question your life choices. Your friend needs help, it's a very sad and difficult situation for her with no local help apart from the carers.

@Arniesleftleg tbh, even if someone has got experience of caring for someone terminally ill/sick it’s unpredictable. I don’t think anyone experiences the same thing twice and there are a variety of factors that add stress.

The point about the DH is pertinent, sometimes people with a terminal diagnosis become really quite hostile and unreasonably demanding even if they’ve previously been faultlessly lovely. Terminal illness is so tough for everyone involved.

If it’s out of character I would say it’s fear. I wonder if she’s leaving the house at night because she’s scared of waking up next to him dead?

@Dancingwithumberellas That’s a good point, it’s quite possible that fear of him dying in the night is causing her to go to hotels. ☹️

She could be having a breakdown, but alternatively, this may be her true reaction to something that she hasn’t had to deal with before, and is revealing personality traits you hadn’t noticed before. When my dad was dying from a terminal illness, my mum just hated having to turn from a wife into a carer, doing everything for him. She neglected him by leaving him alone for hours at a time, going shopping and meeting friends, to the point that my sister and I had to step in to care for him. We were shocked at the time, as we had never seen this side to her, but then afterwards, I realised that she had always been a very self absorbed person before this, but it just hadn’t been as noticeable when things were going well for her, as my dad used to look after everything. I would definitely be involving social services if you can.

I agree

@Dancingwithumberellas It was very much her decision to move. To a place where neither of them have ties. I did wonder at the time if it wasn't rather a rash decision.