Shocked by friend's callous treatment of terminally ill husband

[terrorvisionary]

A friend of mine retired and moved 500 miles away last year. Sadly, not long after the move her husband was diagnosed with cancer and that has now become a terminal diagnosis. He probably has three or four months at the most.
Because of having only recently moved, my friend doesn't have a support network of close friends there. They moved there imagining a good twenty or more years of retirement, and this is a terrible blow. My friend does not seem to be coping very well at all. I have been to see her twice, but I am disabled and also a carer so it's not easy for me to make a 1000 mile round trip.
What has shocked me in recent weeks is how bitter she has become. She said she hates her husband for ruining her life, says she hopes he dies sooner rather than later (her words were that she's counting the days till she's free), and is unrecognisable as my friend. I know grief is different for everyone, but this callousness is shocking.
Her husband was in hospital but is now at home on end of life care with carers coming in several times a day. The other day I received a text from her ranting about the carers as they had expressed serious concerns about her. She was calling them fucking bitches, all the names under the sun. The reason for their concern? My friend has been leaving the house at around 6 every evening and coming back late morning having spent every night in a hotel, leaving her husband alone. The carers found him on the floor in agony the other day as he had fallen out of bed during the night, and had been like that for eight hours. My friend said I'd do the same if it was my husband, which I said no I wouldn't. She went berserk at me saying I didn't understand, and the sooner he dies the better. I felt physically sick at her words. I just don't know what to do. She's going to need support when he dies, but she actually said she'll crack open the champagne when he does. They have had a good relationship and this is so out of character.

Both are unwell in different ways but the husband is a victim of abuse and must be the priority. His wife is clearly very mentally fragile at the moment and his safety is at risk as a result. You may not be able to help physically but in your shoes I would be getting in touch with adult social services in their area to explain your concerns. She could do anything to him if things are escalating this quickly.

She obviously isn't coping and if she is leaving home at night to sleep elsewhere the. This is a safeguarding issue for her DH and a sign her mental health is very poor. If she won't listen to advice from you to get support from the GP, social services etc and has no family support I think a phone call to adult social services is needed. She won't thank you but at least there would be some protection for her Dh although hopefully the carers will already have voiced concerns.

Awful situation for them both.

It is incredibly difficult looking after someone who is at the end of their life for 20-21 hours a day and a huge responsibility for someone alone to take on. The maximum care package for someone in the last weeks of life is 4 visits a day. Night sits can be arranged but are dependent on availability and are again limited.
We all hope we would do our absolute best for our loved one, but reality has a way of sideswiping those expectations in this situation.

I don’t think this is the person to ask for advice on resisting one’s baser instincts!

😬 Very well put!

Well, was their marriage the perfect arrangement you think it was?
Do you speak to the husband?
How ill is he, is he on a morphine drip so not aware of what is going on?
Is there a hospice in their area? Perhaps you can contact SS with your concerns and see if there is somewhere he could be moved to?
I don't imagine they move people to hospices unless they are very near the end of life. And I don't imagine they move people to care homes who are very near the end of life. Due to limited resources.
A family member died recently whilst in a care home and it was a slow, sad death, not due to lack of care - just that no one can hurry things along nowadays (like they did a bit in the past ime with morphine drip), not a nice ending but we hope he was unaware.

@Cornettoninja that's the point I was trying to make, but didn't really articulate it so well. No situation is the same. It's an absolute minefield. Always a very sad situation.

My friend's mother behaved in a similar way when her husband was very ill. She was actually quite cruel and tried to refuse to let him come home from hospital. When that didn't work, she made it difficult for him to be comfortable and safe at home. Won't go into details, but it was horrible. He's recuperated to a certain extent now, so is safe, but she was really quite cruel.

This must be very hard to watch from a distance. Hospice staff are I think very familiar with anger in those who are caring for dying people. Anger is part of the Kubler-Ross stages of grief and it can manifest in many ways, including at the person dying. I totally support the suggestions to report this to adult social care as your friend and her husband both need care and support.

When my dad was dying we all moved in to help my mum. My sister quit her job and I was on maternity leave. I found a lot of us almost fighting to eg drive to get his medication or to the shops. You want to be with them but also it is stifling and terrifying when your 24hours becomes about making sure someone is still alive, trying to get them out of bed, help them do the tiniest thing, and my dad was a saint and everyone lived for him but it’s like the world’s longest minute stretched out and out and you just want to run away and into the ‘real world’. Someone needs to fight to get him into a hospice somewhere if there’s none around

I had a friend in a similar position having moved into an isolated mountain area in early retirement with her DH. He had an accident then developed a neurological illness. She was so angry with him she couldn’t look after him and left it to her DD. Luckily she was persuaded to get some counselling and they made a plan to move back to an area where they have friends and a community to support him so she can go away and do all the mountainy activities they had planned together. Poor man! He is so lovely and grieving for his own future without her support.
You can be a good friend to her if you can get her to talk. Goes without saying you need to alert social services too. Are they in the UK?

I'm caring for my disabled husband. I have certainly thought the same things as your friend, but not said them aloud to others. Until you are in the situation you don't know how you will feel or react. We all think we will be selfless ministering angels and for many of us, when the time comes, the reality lies elsewhere.

That poor, poor man. How heartbreaking for him. I agree that she has had a shock reaction to his illness and intervention is needed. but still, there is a callous side t her that you can't unsee.

She's leaving her dying, vulnerable husband in unsafe conditions. He was on the floor in pain for 8 hours.

She's clearly not coping. It is an understandably awful situation for her. And yet, if it was a parent abandoning their dying, vulnerable child regularly overnight with no care, there would not be the outpouring of sympathy shown by the posters here. Vulnerable adults seem ignorable by society, somehow.

Call social services. Just like you would if it was any other vulnerable person being neglected. He deserves far better than this, even though her cruelty (hopefully) stems from a breakdown rather than anything more nefarious.

Having your dearest die unexpectedly is earth shattering and unimaginably anger inducing. That doesn't mean it's ok to take off to a hotel leaving a frail, dying man unsafe though. Help him.

Hey op, how are things going with your friend?

When I was doing my nursing training in the 80s (I gave up after18 months) - we did a spell on community - and it was one of the reasons I gave up. I hated it. It is so very very hard when it all comes down to 1 person - I've seen wives say awful things and husbands too- some people can cope with dealing with a very sick and terminally I'll partner- others just cannot. She needs to speak with social services as it would be much kinder for him to get good care and his wife clearly can't deal with it- some people just can't and it can come out like cruelty

Usual anti vaxxer bollocks.

Anger is a huge part of grief as is fear which can manifest as anger. Your friend isn't coping, she's trying to shut herself off to protect herself from her pain and grief but it's going to come for her anyway. I think you need to be there for her. I'd suggest she gets support but you can't force her. At some point she will come back to reality and she might have serious regrets and she will need a friend when that happens. There's no right way or instruction guide for something like this and she seems to be going between denial and resentment without much time left to process through her feelings. As for her dh I agree with those who are suggesting contacting social services to see about an enhanced care package. If she's not able to do overnight care for whatever reason someone else needs to. I'd just try to remember, as hard as it is, her actions are coming from a place of deep pain and fear.