Shocked by friend's callous treatment of terminally ill husband

[terrorvisionary]

A friend of mine retired and moved 500 miles away last year. Sadly, not long after the move her husband was diagnosed with cancer and that has now become a terminal diagnosis. He probably has three or four months at the most.
Because of having only recently moved, my friend doesn't have a support network of close friends there. They moved there imagining a good twenty or more years of retirement, and this is a terrible blow. My friend does not seem to be coping very well at all. I have been to see her twice, but I am disabled and also a carer so it's not easy for me to make a 1000 mile round trip.
What has shocked me in recent weeks is how bitter she has become. She said she hates her husband for ruining her life, says she hopes he dies sooner rather than later (her words were that she's counting the days till she's free), and is unrecognisable as my friend. I know grief is different for everyone, but this callousness is shocking.
Her husband was in hospital but is now at home on end of life care with carers coming in several times a day. The other day I received a text from her ranting about the carers as they had expressed serious concerns about her. She was calling them fucking bitches, all the names under the sun. The reason for their concern? My friend has been leaving the house at around 6 every evening and coming back late morning having spent every night in a hotel, leaving her husband alone. The carers found him on the floor in agony the other day as he had fallen out of bed during the night, and had been like that for eight hours. My friend said I'd do the same if it was my husband, which I said no I wouldn't. She went berserk at me saying I didn't understand, and the sooner he dies the better. I felt physically sick at her words. I just don't know what to do. She's going to need support when he dies, but she actually said she'll crack open the champagne when he does. They have had a good relationship and this is so out of character.

OP. Tough one. Are you able to go and visit her in person?

Very sad situation 😢. She sounds very angry and she can’t channel it so it’s being directed towards her husband and carers. Not sure there’s much you can do and I am sure the carers will keep an eye on this unfolding situation.

Yes because people never have breakdowns so they? Ffs.

I can understand why someone in that situation would hope for it to be over soon.

It's indescribably horrific watching someone slowly die and suffer like her husband is. That's cruel, not her distress about it.

To wish it would not be dragged out any further is an entirely natural response.

When my family member was dying in similar circumstances they begged for it to be over. They didn't want to leave us but they were suffering so very much - not just the physical pain but the psychological torture of being told you're going to die and being forced to slowly decline as you watch your own death approach.

I really feel for your friend.

Based on my experience, I sincerely doubt the carers will care enough to recognise or act.

Do they have a macmillan nurse? I would maybe contact Macmillan for advice either way.
https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/get-help

@swanling

Good and bad out there. I’m not sure what this friend could realistically do 500 miles away though.

I would not leave it up to the carers to act, I would phone the adult social services in that area, and report that your friend appears to be having a breakdown and that the husband is being left/vulnerable at night.

I would deal with the emotional side of it later.

Of course terrible thoughts like I wish it was over do go through your mind when someone is dying but you can't leave them on the floor or unattended- she and he need help, so I'd work towards that as she may actually need medical intervention herself. Don't ask her, don't discuss it, just get on and do the right thing as she's lost it for now.

I would think the carers will contact adult social care tbh .

I also think she not only is seeing her husband die but her whole planned future being ripped away from her and she will be left miles from all her friends . It must be very scary .

If she wasn't there, she didn't know he was on the floor. She probably didn't foresee that.

And she clearly isn't coping and isn't receiving any kind of care herself. She is being failed.

It’s hard to say what’s going on here. Maybe their relationship wasn’t as good as you thought?

Also, nursing someone through terminal illness can make you very angry. I’ve done it twice with very close relatives and I have to admit I felt huge anger with my Mum. Our relationship was toxic and complex which didn’t help and I won’t bore everyone with the ins and outs but lots of people thought we were very close and couldn’t understand why I behaved some of the ways I did. To my shame my Mum actually said to me one day she could tell I was angry with her, and I said I wasn’t but it must have been coming off of me. I was angry that I was being put in that position, I had a disabled child to care for as well and I was having health issues too. And there really isn’t the help or support people think there is. (Horrible times like my Mums bed alarm going off constantly in the night because it was deflating - a special pressure sore bed- she lived 20 mins away from me and so she’d ring me to go and help, sometimes in the middle of the night, it was exhausting. Carers would come 3 times a day but it wasn’t enough, in the end she did go into a hospice but we had all kinds of disasters so I can understand your friend taking herself off to a hotel because it really does send you mad!!)

Oh that poor woman needs a therapist, and her husband needs to go into hospice to be properly looked after :(
hugs OP, that is terribly sad

they both urgently need some prof input. I’m afraid I only know the Scottish system for this but here it would be an urgent adult protection (ie safeguarding) referral one would hope the carers have put that in but you can’t leave this to chance. Call adult SW in their council area, explain it is about a risk of harm to a vulnerable adult and explain the whole situation.
previously loving relationship, now friend completely not coping, acting out of character, and her H at serious risk of harm. Should hopefully swing some carers support for her and some more robust homecare or hospice help for him. Good luck.

You see people's true colours in a crisis. Cut the bitch out of your life. If you've got her husband's number text him some support in the evenings instead.

Report her to social services op and if no action from them, then to the police. Does her husband not warrant the same care as a vulnerable child? She left him overnight in pain on the ground
This is absolutely neglect. Lots of people have breakdowns and go on to harm or neglect their children. We don't make excuses for them, we report them double quick so all concerned can get the care they deserve.

Her motive is irrelevant at this point. He is extremely vulnerable and you need to call adult social services as an emergency and put them in the picture. Imagine being at the mercy of this at the most vulnerable time of your life.

Is there anyone who cares about him (at all) who might be able to act (anything) to help him?

"And there really isn’t the help or support people think there is."

This. With bells on.

Please do this for the poor man. He would be better off I a hospice in another area or a palliative care ward than at home. Please mention the concerns expressed by the carers and that he is being left alone for long periods

Do your friend and her husband have children or any other family in your town? If so are they helping at all.

If it was a previously happy relationship I agree she could be having a breakdown, or is terrified of rejection or can’t face up to what is happening. But her husband needs proper care now in the last weeks/months of his life.

He must be very scared. 😭

Sound like she is suffering from complex anticipatory grief. She is angry for all the losses and the future illness has stolen from them. Like a previous poster said, do they have a MacMillan nurse?
Caring for someone who is dying at home is extremely difficult with no 24 hour care. She is going to need a lot of support in her bereavement. Just listen to her - she needs someone to let of steam to.

They have no children. Unfortunately the round trip also involves either a flight and car hire, or ferry, which makes visiting very expensive too. A trip to visit her costs at least £450 just on travel alone. It's not something I'm able to do every month even.

When you become an informal carer for someone you live, who is very dependent, it smashes apart the old relationship you had. It’s not all cups of tea and holding hands and chatting. It can be brutal. If carers are only coming several times a day, all the rest is up to her. I don’t know how much help he needs, but there’s toileting, keeping him and bedding and clothes clean, feeding, hydration, medicine, as well as the usual trying to keep a household going. It can’t all be done in a couple of visits by carers, the last of which is probably early evening. The extreme things she’s saying and doing are a cry for help. It sounds like she’s reached the end of her rope, and hopefully ranting to you means she is able to keep it from him, to an extent.

I wonder if she could get him into a hospice, or source some overnight care for him. She needs to tell her GP that she’s feeling so desperate that sometimes she leaves him to go to a hotel and that he isn’t safe when she does that. Perhaps they will be able to signpost her to organisations or services which can help in extremis?

*love

@swanling

There isn’t hardly any help. I’ve worked in this arena. People suffer and die in pain every single day in this country. It’s inhumane. Even if the OP did report to social services by the time they got round to it, this guy will probably have died.

Carers are stretched thin etc etc etc. This IS 21st century Britain and its health and social care. This IS a crisis that people find themselves within and when it happens it’s shocking and it knocks you sick.

The vaccine mandate wont have helped and that is on the Government not the OP