Pancreatic and liver cancer

[WilsonMilson]

Diagnosed today. I can’t believe it. I thought I had gallstones. The liver tumour is already 7cm, I can’t even remember what the pancreatic one was, it’s on the head of the pancreas. They did more CT scans to see further spread but I don’t have those results yet.
I just am in a blur.
My pain has been getting really bad the last few days and I’m worried this is it. I will have a meeting probably next week to discuss the plan for treatment -if any.

I’m not ready. I’m 45. I have a son and a lovely husband. I have elderly parents.

I’ve gone into hyper organisation mode. It’s madness really, but tonight I bought birthday cards for my son, husband and mum for the next 4 years. I’ve been transferring money to different accounts to make it more accessible. I’ve emailed my son’s school, I’ve started writing to do lists.

My mum is flying in on Friday and will stay with me. I’m just so devastated and so sorry for my poor son and husband. I cannot believe this.

Sending so much love Pamela. My wonderful mum died of pancreatic and liver cancer almost 10 years ago. She was comfortable and not in pain at the end, it was peaceful. If you’re uncomfortable then you, or someone on your behalf, needs to make a nuisance of themselves to get whatever you need to be comfortable. Sending you and your family love and strength

Thinking of you Pamela and sending strength x

Dear Pamela, sending you love. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I hope you get some relief from the heat.

Sorry posted too soon. It might be worth trying the cooling towels. Lots of love to you x

Dear Pamela, I'm sorry to hear how uncomfortable and scared you are. I hope today has brought a plan to improve your comfort and hope you have a much better night's sleep tonight.

Hang in there, you're doing so well. We are all rooting for you.

Pamela, God Bless xxx I am going to bed now but hope you are feeling better x

Hi Pamela, been thinking about you and hope you are more comfortable and calm than you have been feeling, just remember we are here for you whenever you need us, big hugs xx

Thank you for the cooling towel suggestions, great idea and seem effective. I’ve been moved to a different ward now and beside an open window, so I’m a bit cooler, although today has been so hot. Getting the towels anyway.

Urgh tonight has been so emotional and upsetting. DH and DS just left and DS was in absolute bits, he didn’t want to let me go and was crying so hard in my arms. I look pretty awful and I’m sure that doesn’t help, but I think it really hit home to him tonight seeing me in a hospital bed hooked up to a cannula and really being extremely unwell. He’s so scared, and I don’t know what to tell him because it IS scary, I can’t tell him it’s going to be ok. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the next couple of hours let alone days and I’m absolutely terrified myself let alone him - I’m trying not to magnify my fears and transfer them to him though, but the reality has clearly hit home hard and now I’m devastated and bereft for him. He left looking at me as if he was terrified he wouldn’t see me again, a 17 year old young man with tears streaming down his face for the mum he loves and is shit scared of losing.

I just want a chance to live for my family, that’s all I want, I don’t want anything else apart from a chance to recover and be a wife and a mum. Oh guys, this is just the worst thing I could ever have imagined. I know I’m not the only one going through this and many people have terrible tragedies befall them, but just right at this minute I feel so sad, angry, scared, lost, overwhelmed, and as though I want to do absolutely anything to protect ds from this, but I just can’t and that feels like a failure, it feels like I’ve monumentally let him down, like it’s my fault he’s not a carefree teen, like I’ve brought this misery on the family although logically obviously it isn’t my fault.

Just emotionally destroyed a bit tonight. Honestly fuck cancer, I don’t usually swear on my thread, but seriously FUCK CANCER. It is a thief, a devil, a horror, a sneak, an insidious preyer on good people, a destroyer of families and a beast to be overcome at all costs.

Oh, you write so well. Your love for your family shines through and your fear for yourself and for them is natural. Is there a plan yet, or not till Monday? It’s very hard to wait like this.

Sending you the biggest hug, you write so eloquently and that was a tough read. I so hope that you know your pathway forwards very soon and that you all get some comfort from knowing there’s a plan in place.

Pamela, I’m heartbroken for you that you are having to go through this. I can only imagine how hard that was for you when your DS was so distressed. A 17 year-old lad shouldn’t be having to see his beloved mum so poorly. I understand the feeling of guilt- of COURSE none of this is your fault, but trying to put myself in your shoes and I know I would feel the same way you do about this. He will get find ways to cope with this. It’s horribly unfair on him, and it’s devastating for you to see him so upset, but YOU made this lovely young man and so he must be a fantastic lad. From what you’ve told us of him, he really is a fine young man. He will find resilience that no one should have to find at 17. He and his Dad will hold each other up as best they can.

And yes, FUCK CANCER. I’m so sad this is happening to you. None of you deserve this 💐

Pamela I just wanted you to know that I have thought of you so often since you started your thread. You sound like such a lovely lady and I am so sorry that you're going through this. I hope to god there's something that can be done to keep you with your amazing family. There are no words for how cruel life can be sometimes. Sending you so much love and best wishes. I hope you manage to get some rest tonight xx

Dear Pamela - I’m probably very near by to you right now. I’m over visiting family and the humidity is off the chart for NI. I think cooler days are ahead which I hope will help you a tiny amount. Your description of your son just broke my heart and I hate hate hate that you are going through this. Fuck cancer. Fuck it. I pray they can find something that will help you. I really do. I am thinking of you. X

I said far worse than fuck cancer when it was taking my Dad away from me.

The biggest bastard there is.

I'm so sorry that you're struggling

I'm so sorry things are so tough. Have you been offered an eye mask and ear plugs? Most wards should have them because of the big push against delirium.

I'll join you in saying fuck cancer!

You have a beautiful family unit Pamela and a husband/son that love you to bits, it's wonderful to hear about it even in the most horrible of circumstances. Hold them close and let them hold you close too during this fight x

Fuck cancer Pamela!

Sending virtual love and strength to you, your DH and your lovely DS.

xxxxxxx

Dear Pamela, I am one of many who has been following your story and silently praying for you but I have not commented yet.

I'm just another mum and my heart broke when I read about your son's distress and upset.

My beautiful daughters lost their dad to cancer when they were 10 & 12. They've grown up to be beautiful young ladies who any mum and dad could be proud of.

Your son will be just the same - how can he not be having such wonderful parents as you and your husband.

The love you are showing despite the pain you are presently suffering is the greatest legacy you can give your son should the very worst happen. I hope and pray that a treatment plan is put in place as soon as possible and that it brings some relief and stability back into your life.

With much love 💕 xxx

Thoughts and prayers with you and your family. Most of us posting know what you and yours are going through and I'm sending you a big hug.

Bless you.

Dear Pamela, your update is overwhelming and heartbreaking . How is it that total strangers, who will never meet in real life, feel so bound together like this. But we do, Cancer is evil personified, you said it. I've just left my sister's bedside with my (nearly) 17 year old son, Daniel, and we are heartbroken, but at the same time we are surrounded by the prayers, visits and concern of so many hundreds of people, many of whom we have never met. It's a combination of the most awful thing ever, and the most beautiful outpouring of pure love. Those two things together shouldn't be, but it is. I have no words or answers, none of us does. But one verse keeps coming back to me again, sometimes in desperation: to whom shall we go? For you have the words of eternal life' hold on, darling. Chris

Pamela we know that grief is the price we pay for love and it is so clear that you have surrounded your boy with love every day of his existence. He will carry that love from you inside himself forever.

Thinking of you, Pamela, and sending you love in the small hours. Hold on to hope darling, however small the spark. ♥️🙏🏻

Hi Pamela, I am so sorry to hear you are struggling. My time in hospital for cancer surgery was definitely the hardest emotionally because you are away from your family and home and it all feels very institutional and frightening.

re the diarrhoea I am somewhat of an expert having lost most of my bowel and now on chemo. The watery and pale stool is exactly what I get and it is because I’m eating very little and it’s mostly white food like bread and crackers as I have no appetite. Try to stick to a low fibre diet as much as possible while you have the watery stool. Hopefully the hospital will give you Imodium and some IV fluids to minimise dehydration.

It’s really hard for kids, there is no getting around that but all you can do is love them and let them know you and the drs are doing everything possible. I really hope you get a plan of treatment soon so you can move past this uncertainty.

Do feel free to come back into the cancer support thread any time. It’s full of amazing people who genuinely understand from personal experience.

Sending strength to you and your family, Pamela.

What a terrible emotional time for you and your family . Can I ask if you are getting the emotional help you must need right now ?
I'm sure you are probably trying to keep it together for the sake of your husband and son ( especially your son ) but holding everything in is very draining .
Is there someone in hospital or at least someone who could get in contact with a councillor / listening service / befriender for people in your situation ?
You take care lovely lady .