Storm Part 3 (for partners of people with cancer)

[Willowkins]

Continuing the thread, mostly supporting partners of people with cancer - just in case it's needed.

The previous thread is here

[Title edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

@Willowkins fingers crossed for you. I think you get numb tbh or you just realise that you can't 'do' anything about it and we've already lived through the worse.

My mums op is tomorrow and I'm in a really important meeting all day so will be on tenderhooks waiting, but at least I will be distracted.

Thanks @notapizzaeater . Hope all goes well tomorrow.

Thanks both. Fingers crossed for you @Willowkins and your mother @notapizzaeater. I've always been awful at waiting for things so this really isn't my forte at all! But DP is coping well and that's the key thing.

@Willowkins crossing fingers and toes for you, but I do hear you, I’ve had melanoma and just found a second one. I’m not bothered at all. The doctor even asked if I understood what they were telling me as I seemed so blasé. @notapizzaeater hope your mum goes ok xxxx

Hello, is this the thread for partners? And is it only for terminal?

@ButtonMoonMrsSpoon yes it's for partners of poorly people. Grab a chair, pull up and have a coffee and a hug x

Well my amazing husband died 9 days ago, at 39. I am broken. How am I going to raise our 2, 4 and 6 year olds without their amazing dad? It all feels impossible.

@seethebeauty84 I’m so sorry

It’s not meant to feel possible this early on, you don’t have to try and be brave right now. Have you got rl support.

That's so sad @seethebeauty84 Do you want to tell us about him?

Hi I want to join this thread as DM been diagnosed with stage 4 peritoneal cancer. I'm so scared and in shock. How do you cope with all these feelings and emotions. I'm so sad I feel so sick.

I can't eat, sleep, concentrate. All I can think about is my DM dying and I love her so much. She's done so much good in world, everyone loves her. Going to be taken before her time. I'm crying typing this. It's not fair! Why do the good die young and the bad or horrible people still keep living. I hate this 😭

@seethebeauty84 I'm so sorry to hear your news. It's so shocking and so wrong. Do you want to tell us about your lovely DP?

Hello @Circlingthesun and I'm sorry to hear about your mum. I don't know how others cope - I am at a very early stage of this and the only thing that works for me at the moment is to stay very focused on here and now, what we can do and control. If I start thinking about the future and how different it's going to be to the one I imagined, or how my darling DP must be feeling, or our DS, I crack - so at the moment I don't think about those things. I will need to some day but I'm not going to do that yet, while he's still feeling ok and we can focus on doing nice things together.

In DP's case we still don't have a full diagnosis or treatment plan - once we are clear about that then I'll feel different I suspect.

@seethebeauty84 I am so sorry. It does all feel impossible in the early days, you get through one minute at a time. There will be times in the future when it feels impossible too but those feelings do become manageable, have you got people to lean on?

@Circlingthesun in the early days of diagnosis it felt all encompassing and so very scary but I think you learn to turn the worry on its head and focus on the things you can control. There is always someone here to listen (and usually someone with wiser words than me).

To everyone who is new to this thread, you're welcome and we're sorry you're here.

The thing is @Circlingthesun cancer does not discriminate between good or bad people. It just takes them, or bits of them.

Those of us who love its victims bear the pain of wanting to help but sometimes we just can't.

I wish I had some peace to offer you. You'll find support here from people who understand and you can be honest with us.

Thank you. I know you're right and in my head I know that it affects everyone but my heart is screaming 'it's not fair'. She was diagnosed this morning and no treatment or prognosis yet so no idea what to expect.
I think I'll be back here often as all my family are looking to me to be the strong organised one, and I'm not sure I can cope.

I'm sorry we're all in this boat and it would be worse if it was my DH rather than my DM. And I'm sorry if that offensive to those in that situation. It just shit

I sometimes wake up at 3-4am - is there usually someone around then-? im nee to MN and this thrrad.

anyway tganks for listening to my rants

And excuse my bad spelling!

Yes not thinking ahead and staying in the here and now is probably what I should be doing

Is there a bereavement thread anywhere for those of us who have lost our partners? I've been searching for a widow section and can't find one. My 6 year old is so sad and my 2 year old keeps saying 'miss daddy' and I am just so sad and angry and can't cope. I need him back.

@seethebeauty84 there used to be one on Bereavement https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4444595-Widows-Widowers-And-Everyone-Welcome. Some of us were on there too but it petered out.

The last post made me think.

I really struggled with whether to continue these threads when MrW died because it seemed a bit harsh to remind the newbies where their journey may be ending (I say 'may' because one poster's DH went into remission bless them).

But you know, I remembered when I started the very first one there were all these gracious people who were obviously a lot further in than me including those who were bereaved and yet freely gave their support.

I have heard some of the wisest, kindest words right here.

So of course this thread supports those who are bereaved (we've been there) and those who've struggled to support our loved ones through illness (we've been there too)

But mainly I think this thread is a place where we can say the things that our friends and family would not understand.

Also, I believe that beyond pain, beyond death, beyond more pain, there is hope and joy and having a wonderful life.

Thank you @Willowkins, that was beautifully put. I was very grateful to find this thread when DP was diagnosed and have found it so helpful.

One of the challenges of a thread like this is that - of course - we all join at different points and may well not have read the previous threads. I didn't know your situation and I'm very sorry to hear about Mr W.

I totally agree unless you've walked this path in anyway at all you have no idea of the thoughts, hopes, dreams and nightmare roller coaster that you are on.

Here is a safe place, a place to share all your darkest thoughts, we've all been awake in the night with the what ifs, and the 'how' but if nothing else it shows that actually even when life is totally shit you can and will survive.

I honestly wish I had found this thread sooner. After 4 years and being inoperable and palliative, to we think we can cure, to being "cancer free" and moved on to monitoring mode, then back to inoperable and now back to monitoring phase. It's been a rollercoaster of a ride.
Most of the time I have had to deal with it on my own. No one understands what we go through, no matter what phase it is at. I wish I had found people before now who even slightly understands what we go through.

Hi @bookwormcrazy Ah yes the rollercoaster of hope, know it well. Sorry you've been on your own through this.

People on here get it.
I should add that I've seen your other thread and I'm ridiculously invested in The Dress.