Thread for those who have a parent with cancer?

[Fhortu]

I'm just wondering if there is a general one that I've missed, or, if not, if there's any interest in making one?
(I know there's Still the storm for people who have partners with terminal cancer.)

My mum was recently diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer, and I'm sure there are other people here struggling with a parent's diagnosis.

Thanks so much. It makes so much sense.

I'm currently in the "let me go to sleep and find when I wake its all gone away" phase.

Hopefully as I rarely work weekends I will be able to travel to see them regularly whilst I can.

[quote Lotsofpots]**@Kezzie200 I don't have many answers to your final question, but having spent two years since our terminal diagnosis, with just a few weeks to go, my tips are:

• don't try and be everything to everyone. You'll only fail. I have prioritised my kids, who are very sad, and my parents. Friends and work have taken a backseat.
• work out one of two things that make you feel normal and prioritise doing them. For me it's crap TV, seeing other adults for a chat (even if it's just while in the playground), a hot bath.
• sleep is a fucker. Necessary but elusive. The trying to get to sleep period is when my brain takes me to sad places. I just throw money at thr situation and have all manner of things to spray/take to help me sleep
• accept help whenever it is offered.
• therapy helps

Finally, the sadness and exhaustion become part of the landscape of your life. You get used to them. It stops being so constantly acute, and becomes like a low level ache. It becomes more manageable with time - until it sneaks up on you and you're crying in a heap on the pavement out of nowhere...[/quote]
@Kezzie200 All this in spades. I'm seen as the 'strong' one in my family (because I do my crying in private, not in public, I think) and that sometimes makes it even harder to look after myself. But I know if I don't, I won't be any use to my Mum.

@DwightShrutesgirlfriend

I'm the same. I get on with things and then sob in private, or with friends although thats not so easy with COVID.

I've taken what you and Pots have said onboard as I ain't going to mend this. I need to find the best way through and make sure Mum, and Dad too as he is in his 80s, are cared for. Mum, in particular, has a bunch of really good friends - most from her school days, so they go back a bit! I know she's been in contact with one this morning which I am pleased about.

Not posted here for a while, and just need to let out a bit of the despair.

Hello and I'm sorry you're here to the people who've joined recently. It's crap, isn't it? Death by a thousand cuts.

I feel like my mum is pulling away from us all. She never reaches out first anymore and when we are there, she seems to think she has to put on an act, rushing around and acting the host etc. even though it's obvious from what my dad says that as soon as we're gone she's back to her exhausted, ill self. She's so thin too. She's on the second course of chemo after a break at Christmas. She won't discuss her treatment at all.

I can't get rid of the guilt I feel when I manage to forget what is happening for a while, because I know she hasn't the luxury of doing that. Logically I know it does her no good for me to be down all the time, but it feels disloyal to be able to distance myself from it sometimes.

I hate not being able to take proper action to fix it. All I can do is be there, which doesn't feel like enough. And I feel guilt that, when I drive over there, I dread it. Because it forces me to concentrate on what is happening.

Anyway, vent done. I hope everyone else is finding the strength to deal with this, and that other people are supporting you.

Hey Fhortu. Thankyou for starting the thread. Sorry you’re finding it hard going. I find the drives up and down difficult too. Those are the only times I’ve cried actually.

I think maybe a different perspective on your mum rushing around playing the hostess is maybe she’s taking the opportunity to be her old self? You are doing something for her just by being there.

It’s still shit though isn’t it.

My mum is on form at the mo, still pending any actual diagnosis (other than, random malignant tumour) or treatment plan. Revelling that the nurses at her biopsy “couldn’t believe” she is the age she is. We had an argument on the phone today with her berating me for not putting my (old, battered anyway) car in the garage for the storm. Garage is 10 mins drive and used for storage so would be a massive faff. And I’m a grown woman and it’s my car. But I enjoyed the everyday argument actually. Like it should be

Thanks for the reply, LemonViolet.
I'm glad your mum is feeling upbeat at the moment. I think it's a bit easier to handle when you can see that she isn't falling apart over things. I've done the crying in the car on the way home too. Better to let it out, I suppose. I've become really resentful of the pandemic because these could be her last months and she can't really even go out because catching covid at this stage would probably kill her. She's just sitting in the house, dwelling on it all.
I hope your mum gets her diagnosis and treatment plan soon, and that it's good news.

We’ve just been on a break with my DF who is losing a stone a month with his pancreatic cancer. He took to his bed quite a lot while here and there. We came home a day early due to threatening snow on the day we were due to travel back. DF insisted on going home only to discover he’s been burgled! 😡 so bloody annoyed! They didn’t take anything which is even weirder! And to boot, we have a covid case in the house with my dd and she was sitting doing puzzles with DF while he did a crossword! Never rains but pours!!! Really hoping we haven’t passed it onto him!

Sadly joining this thread. My lovely mum was diagnosed with incurable lung cancer yesterday after ending up in hospital on Sunday with fluid on her lungs. It has spread to the lung lining, but I don’t think any further. Going to see her today to try and get some answers.

Not really sure where we go from here, I feel silly saying this but even at 37 feel too young to deal with it. So worried about her, about my dad and what’s to come. I’m so sad for us all, especially my daughter who’ll now likely grow up without her beautiful granny around.

@Guineapiggiesmalls, so sorry to hear that, I'm in a similar situation with my Mum who has just been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. It's really tough. My Mum is having palliative chemo, just four doses over next 9 weeks, and is also taking part in trial, but ultimately we know we will lose her in the next few months. It's so hard and I feel for you.

So sorry you're here @Guineapiggiesmalls - very similar situation for me: incurable lung cancer, I feel far too young to be dealing with it and losing a parent. I too have found it very hard when thinking about what my kids will lose out on, how they'll miss their beloved papa. It does become easier, simply as the feelings become more familiar. No less painful or upsetting, but less alien and unknown.

How has your mum dealt with the news?

@DwightShrutesgirlfriend you talked about your mum fading earlier in the thread - how is she doing?

Guineapiggiesmalls
I'm really sorry. I imagine you'll still be very shocked at this point, with it all being so new. Those first few days really can hit you like a tonne of bricks.
I know what you mean about feeling too young. My MIL is 67 ( more than twice my age) and has only just lost her mum.

@Lotsofpots thank you for asking. The shock of diagnosis hit her hard, understandably, and she did seem to shrink before my eyes. She had a rough week after her first chemo, but this week is much more like her old self, albeit still very tired. I'm doing my best to tempt her to naughty foods to build her up before next session of chemo. It's only palliative, but if it works it will hopefully give her some more weeks.

So sorry to hear the news of those recently joining us.

Mum is two weeks from her surgery that left her with a stoma, diagnosed secondaries and they had to leave the cancer in place.

She's had two good days finally, although her back aches now. Whether there will be an palliative options at the post op 6 week review we wait to see.

I will be going up soon to spend a week with them. Just have to work from home and self isolate for a few days first.

Hope the chemo works to stem the tide Dwight. Thinking of us all. Our parents are all unique to us.

Hi all, I just wanted to update. Just a chance to say what's happening now. It's only been 4 weeks since my father's diagnosis....he's for palliative care only. He had very advanced cancer at the point of diagnosis. He is rapidly deteriorating. I haven't been able to visit for a couple of weeks, but I've been informed that he is rapidly deteriorating. He is now hardly eating or drinking anything, is loosing weight every day and is finding even talking very difficult. He's still at home, which is where he will definitely be staying, and my mother is taking care of him. It's so unbelievably and sometimes unbearably sad. I will be going to visit in a couple of days. My mother has again warned me that I will be shocked how much he has changed when I next see him.

I'm mainly coping with this by blocking out of my mind what's happening and trying not to think about it. I know that this is not a very good strategy and I feel guilty for doing that. At the same time I don't think there is much more I can do. I am being available for my mother if she wants to talk (but she has other family members who are supporting her in that way...which I am so grateful for). I will bring her food when I see her this week (home cooked meals she can put in the freezer and heat up easily, because I know she might neglect caring for herself while caring for him).

She told me that recently he keeps saying that he is ready to go and he wants this all to end. He doesn't want to be alive anymore. It's heartbreaking.

Cancer is such a cruel cruel disease 😢. I'm actually so scared of visiting him this week. I know when I see him I'm going to be so sad. My mother does not want to leave him alone, because she is so worried about him. But I have told her that I can stay all day and all evening, so if she wants to get out to go for a walk or drive or meet up with a friend for a couple of hours, she can do that, and I will be there with him and will take care of him.

But I'm still really scared of seeing him and coping with that.

(**This is a completely honest post of my genuine feelings. I know it may come across as selfish.... but I need to vent these things and I hope people understand. I just want them both to be okay. I do not show my distress, especially infront of my father. I want him to feel peaceful.)

I hope your visit goes as well as can be expected @parchedjanuary. I volunteer in a hospice and I find it helps to focus on the fact that it's the same person inside the body, despite the fact that the body has changed so much. However, I'm rapidly learning that caring for a loved one is a whole other ball game to dealing with strangers, so I'll just send you strength.

I think this is a good place to be honest. My Dad can't cope with the thought of my Mum dying and is on a course of self-destruction to try and die first (his words). I had a thought the other morning that if they both dropped dead of a heart attack, I would be relieved. I immediately felt really bad for thinking that way, so I do understand what you're saying.

I’m so sorry to see so many people in a similar position to me. I managed to see my mum on Tuesday, she looked absolutely fine apart from a drain on her lung but then I got a covid positive yesterday which means I can’t see her for at least another six days (in Scotland), and I’m terrified I might have passed it on to her or my poor dad. Feels like the rug has truly been pulled from beneath us.

People keep telling me of scenarios where they know of friends of friends surviving for years with an incurable diagnosis, but I don’t even dare think that it might be possible. Someone a few posts earlier had said that gratitude helped more than hope, which is really sad but I think I understand. Mum has said a few times ‘be brave, be strong’ which is very typical of her. Don’t try and change or complain about the situation, just do your best. Thinking of us all, and sending courage and strength

I've read this thread and am now joining, as like a few previous posters my mum has lung cancer. She was diagnosed last June and was told it was stage 4 as it had spread to the fluid. She eventually had 4 chemo & immunotherapy sessions but there was a delay in these starting as she had to have a lot of fluid drained from her lung first. She was so well at Christmas, finally eating again. Two weeks ago she was fine, but in the last week or so she has started becoming confused and has had some pain. She was admitted to hospital last weekend for more tests and yesterday we got the news that she has had some mini strokes (which have caused the confusion) and also that the cancer has spread to her liver. They're not sure how she has had the mini strokes as she is on blood thinners which should have prevented this. More tests today to monitor her heart and check for blockages in the artery in her neck.

My dad is nearly 80 (mum is only 68) and gets confused easily anyway. I feel completely helpless, am scared to ring my mum in case she is still confused, and just want to know how much time we are likely to have left. No-one will/can tell us though.

Not sure what the point of my post is really, just to get it out I suppose.

@DwightShrutesgirlfriend Thank you for your reply and that you can relate to how I felt.

I’m so sorry to those of you who have joined. 💐
My Dad (also incurable stage 4 lung cancer, like so many others on here) is responding well to his treatment. But is suffering significant side effects which are affecting his quality of life, which is really very sad to witness, knowing that he hasn’t got that long left.

I've only been a member of this group for a short time, my dad was at the stage of very advanced cancer before he could be persuaded to see a doctor.

My dad passed away today.

I am glad that he will not suffer any longer. The last few days he was extremely confused, like his actual personality and character had gone away, not to return, but his body kept fighting on.

I was with him when he died. He had some bad symptoms and community nurses had attended and helped us get him more comfortable. I thought he still had at least a few days left.

Quite quickly his breathing changed and I was fairly sure he was going. I told my mum, I think he is going now. We both stayed with him, one on each side.I was holding his hand and my other hand was on his shoulder. He was looking directly into my eyes....like he wanted reassurance. I told him he was safe and warm and cosy, and then tucked his blanket in around him. I told him to relax and feel how peaceful everything is. I told him that he is going to fall asleep for a lovely long peaceful sleep. The whole time he was looking intensely into my eyes. His breathing gradually slowed and stopped, and that was it, he was gone.

The thing that I found most difficult was that he was alive and he was looking at me, I know he was looking at me for comfort and reassurance. At some point over the course of a few minutes he died. But his eyes did not change at all. He was still looking at me.

I think that I made him feel safe when he was leaving us. I know I am the last thing that he saw before leaving the earth. I feel really privileged and that he must have trusted me so much, that when I reassured him he was safe, he was okay to let himself go.

I am quite haunted now though by the way he stared into my eyes. At one point those eyes were looking at me and at another point they were dead.....but what I could see didn't change.

I have to go now because I am extremely emotional today and I have ended up getting myself into ridiculous arguments with people on Mumsnet this afternoon. I am taking a break from the forum for a few days. I just wanted to let you guys know what happened. I will be back soon.

So much love from me to everyone who is going through this

@MaryStuart we posted just a few minutes apart. I'm so sorry you are going through this and I hope you find strength in knowing you are not alone x

@parchedjanuary
Thank you and I’ve just read your post. I’m so sorry for your loss. You, your Dad and Mum are in my thoughts. Take care 💐💐

My mum has a terminal diagnosis of colon cancer, which has spread to her liver. She chose not to have palliative chemotherapy and so is gently deteriorating. Now on morphine patches and I expect they will get stronger as the weeks go by. The aim is for her to be as pain free as possible. She is very practical (and has a strong faith) so we can talk about stuff ("hurray my DNR has arrived") but it is still tough to deal with. And my 90 year old dad finds it hard, especially as we all thought he would die first. So huge hugs to all those on this journey. I found a book really helpful called "with the end in mind" by Kathryn Mannix a hospice specialist. She talks about the end of life in a frank but caring way. It wont be for everyone but its worth a look at reviews and see if it will be helpful to you or your family.

When you come back @parchedjanuary, I’m sending you strength and prayers. Know that you did a brave thing for your Dad and he knew your love right to the end.