Thread for those who have a parent with cancer?

[Fhortu]

I'm just wondering if there is a general one that I've missed, or, if not, if there's any interest in making one?
(I know there's Still the storm for people who have partners with terminal cancer.)

My mum was recently diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer, and I'm sure there are other people here struggling with a parent's diagnosis.

Hi everyone, can I also join please - DF diagnosed just before Christmas, although like some others here, the primary tumour not found, so they are thinking either Melanoma or Lymphoma.

Very new to this and dreading the journey...

Btw, apart from that time of me repeating his nonsense sentence back and him saying "yes" (or maybe it wasn't nonsense and it was his original language which I don't understand?! idk now, but it didn't seem it, but I've been wrong before), he seems to understand what we say, and follow instructions, and respond correctly often. And it seems he knows what he wants to say, it just isn't coming out right.

*And it seems he knows what he wants to say, it just isn't coming out right, a lot. (Sometimes it does)

Oh I replied to you @HeadPain and it hasn’t posted! The TL:DR was could your Dad use picture board/cards communication? Both my grandma and grandad used them when their verbal communication skills declined due to various health issues

Hi @RiseAgain is your Dad diagnosed as “CUP”?

Spent the weekend with Mum. She was really upbeat all things considered. We just hung out and did normal things. Have to wait for more scans, which will be over the next few weeks, before they decide what the treatment is. Her consultant is the CUP lead so that’s good.

I had a good cry driving home though and feel absolutely exhausted starting the week. I was struggling at work before all of this (our workload has increased around 150% since covid yet we have less staff, my whole profession is in crisis really) so I really don’t know how I’m going to just keep on keeping on.

@LemonViolet I'm glad you got to spend some quality time with your Mum. My Mum starts some palliative chemo in a couple of weeks, but she has been advised that, even if it is very successful, she's only likely to have months left with us. I'm struggling, particularly with a Dad who is angry with everyone and everything.

So sorry everyone is struggling it's just so bloody hard.

My mum had the sentinel lymph node biopsy along with tumour removal and although it's a step forward we are left with so many questions. It's spread to the lymph node(s)? And I just don't know what this means.

Google is my worst enemy, I've read a survival story of someone who had this form of cancer and it spread to one lymph node and she was "told to get her affairs in order " and the survival rate is very bleak.

Hello everyone. My dad has just been diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma with a tumour in his back. He's very frail and in his 80s. My mum has also been referred under the two week rule for a growth on her leg. Dad starts chemo next week and he hasn't been given a stage yet. I live two hours away which is a pain. I am up and down and have a cry randomly. It's so crap.

@whatth that's really difficult as it must be hard for them to support each other when they are both affected. The random crying is something I have trouble with too! It's exhausting!

Thankyou @DwightShrutesgirlfriend. I think it’s fair enough to be struggling in your situation as well. My Mum has decided she doesn’t want to hear bad news and has only asked the doctor about “best case” possibilities so I’m worried we won’t know if she only has a short time. But then she doesn’t want to know, so I guess we have to respect that.

@Wallawallakoala are you waiting to hear about a treatment plan then?

Hello @whatth, what a shit place we all find ourselves in hey. I hope your hear about your mum soon.

I’m mostly struggling with the waiting and not being able to DO anything useful or productive towards making it better. I’ve been doing little things; ordering some “I’m shielding” badges from MacMillan for when she’s on chemo and wanting people to keep their distance; researching and planing outdoor places we can visit when the weather is better that are wheelchair accessible as she can’t walk far at the moment without a lot of pain. Learning a piano piece to play for her that she likes. None of it will change anything but I just want to bloody DO something, and there isn’t really anything any of us can do.

@LemonViolet I hear you on the wanting to DO something! I hate feeling powerless. Spent years working as a naturopath and nutritional therapist so I have bags of stuff up my sleeve but I’m still not allowed in the door and haven’t seen or spoken to her since before Xmas :( we are getting little bits via text and that’s it. Can’t push supportive treatments on people anyway, they have to be open and willing. At best I am making soups and smoothies for her and dropping them on the doorstep with an eye on pumping her full of good food!
There’s a bit more of a treatment plan now, biopsy has gone to the states, chemo starts in feb, 3 sessions 3 weeks apart then another scan. My dad can’t (or won’t) tell me anything. We are terrified that she has little time left and it will have been wasted.
My brother causing loads of stress booking his wedding for March ‘as a surprise for them’ and demanding we all pay for ourselves. All good fun.

Looking for your inspiration, Mumsnetters. My mum has her first palliative chemotherapy next week. She doesn't use technology (although she has a mobile), she doesn't do anything crafty. I want to put together a little bag of things for her to take. So far I've thought of magazines, a quiz book, a pulse point aromatherapy thingy, a nice hand cream, some sweets to suck, maybe a little blanket in case she feels chilly. Do you think this is a good idea? Any other thoughts for what I can include?

That’s a brilliant list already I think!

Would she paint/do her nails? Nail file/buffer/cuticle stuff/polish?
Colouring book? She might think it’s daft/naff but I like them as a mindful restful activity.

I don’t know where the iv goes in but was wondering if wrist warmers would be useful.

My mum had her PET-CT, she was really worried it was going to be awful but apparently wasn’t as horrid an experience as she was expecting. Now we’re waiting for an MRI. Once the consultant has both of those, they’ll decide what the plan is. Possibly surgery. Eek.

Mum and I both did Wordle today, I think it might be a little daily thing we can do together even over distance . I’m going up to see her this weekend. I’ve arranged with work to take every other Friday off to have more time to travel up and back.

Hi everyone. Hope everyone is doing as well as they can. My dad had his first chemo and had a funny turn and he wouldn't wake up for a bit, went white and floppy. Has anyone heard of this? He seems ok now. My mum has just had a biopsy on a suspicious growth on her leg and was admitted to hospital today with severe cellulitis and suspected blood clot. I can't visit because DD has Covid. It's really shit.

Goodness @whatth that does all sound shit, is your Dad allowed to visit her or is he ok at home? Can’t help with the fainting at chemo but were the staff there able to explain at all? If it was his first time having a drug it could do funny things to blood pressure or something perhaps. Maybe post a separate thread just about that there may be people elsewhere on MN that would know, medical staff or people who’ve been through chemo themselves. Do you know what drug(s) he had?

We’re still in the calm before the storm, I think, waiting for MRI then all the scan results and a plan (and hopefully at some point an actual diagnosis and prognosis, that would be nice!). Mum is pretty well in herself, it’s weird. I’m staying tonight and tomorrow night. Hopefully will have a good day together tomorrow.

@LemonViolet thanks for your kind thoughts. Dad can’t visit her and also struggles to walk. He’s exhausted and spent yesterday asleep bless him. My DB is watching out for him thankfully.

It sounds like you have a lovely weekend with your mum planned and it’s good that she’s not feeling too unwell. All you can do is enjoy every moment for now. Hugs to you x

Hello, I'm so sad to join this thread. My father has been unwell for a few years but didn't want to bother the doctor. Last week he got to the point where he was in unbearable pain, and finally did see the doctor. He had a short hospital stay and was diagnosed with advanced cancer...lots of mets all over his body. It's not curable (...and I'm fairly certain he will refuse any life prolonging treatments... and I totally understand that).

He's home now and my mother is taking care of him. I visited him a few days ago. I was so completely shocked by how sick, tired and thin he was. I saw him at Xmas and he wasn't looking great then, but the extreme difference, in just 5 weeks completely shocked me.

It was possibly the saddest day of my life. I stayed happy and positive and had really nice chats about everyday things while I was with him. But after I left, I cried on the train on the way home. I had to keep pulling myself together to just get myself home. When I got home I sobbed. It was so painful to see him so sick, and imagining how it must feel for him. I'm so sad that he will have to go through this very slow death. I'm completely devastated.

I will visit him again next week. And I know he will look worse than last week and I will go through the same pain and devastation. I'm so upset, it's almost unbearable.

I haven't read all of this thread but I have read alot of it. I just don't think I can cope with this, it's so painful to see. My heart hurts so much.

And I'm so sorry that my post is mainly about me, and how sad and upset I feel. I must seem so incredibly selfish. I feel guilty for that. I just needed to express that. I'm just so so sad that it hurts.

@parchedjanuary I'm so sorry. My mum was diagnosed just two weeks ago, I see her most days and I'm shocked by how much she has deteriorated in two weeks. It's very hard. I'm off to hospital with her now to make sure she's fit to start some palliative chemo this week.

Sorry to hear everyone’s sad stories. My mother passed away 13 dec and on same day heard dad had terminal pancreatic cancer. He is still independent but starting to get pain and saying he’s finding it hard to eat. Off with him for a few days so hoping he’ll keep well enough. He’s not having chemo either. It is incredibly sad!

Hi @parchedjanuary don’t worry posting all about what you are going through and how you are feeling. I think there’s precious few places we can do that in this situation. I got really angry after seeing mum this weekend. Everyone in my life looks to me to sort stuff and no one is asking me how I am, and I can’t sort stuff for mum, I was very pissed off with it all. Grateful that DP took my ranting on the chin and still likes me after!

It is just really, really shit isn’t it.

My Mum is late 70s. She only fell ill 6 weeks ago. Bowel and mets in liver and peritoneum. She went into surgery earlier this week but they couldn't do much so created a stoma to allow her to eat and drink. She may be able to have palliative chemotherapy but they will consider the options next week.

I'm in shock to be honest.

I'm.staying with my Dad while Mum's in hospital but I live 2 hours away.

@Kezzie200 welcome to the place no one wants to be!

My mum had her first palliative chemo last Wednesday and I think she has coped really well. But she still seems to be fading in front of my eyes and I think that's the cancer not the chemo. She can't really eat. I feel like this is going to be quicker than any of us anticipated and I feel very lost at the moment.

@DwightShrutesgirlfriend

Oh this is how I feel this morning. Mum had the only surgery she could have last week (a stoma fitted) and is now home with Dad recovering. I left last night having been there for the week and she was in good spirits but tired.

This morning though she's on drinks and having the high energy drinks rather than the food she was eating in hospital.

She won't know about palliative chemotherapy options, and if there are any, for a few days yet. Even then they cannot start it until op has been recovered from.

So so sad :( how do we cope and stay strong and helpfulat the same time?

@Kezzie200 I don't have many answers to your final question, but having spent two years since our terminal diagnosis, with just a few weeks to go, my tips are:

• don't try and be everything to everyone. You'll only fail. I have prioritised my kids, who are very sad, and my parents. Friends and work have taken a backseat.
• work out one of two things that make you feel normal and prioritise doing them. For me it's crap TV, seeing other adults for a chat (even if it's just while in the playground), a hot bath.
• sleep is a fucker. Necessary but elusive. The trying to get to sleep period is when my brain takes me to sad places. I just throw money at thr situation and have all manner of things to spray/take to help me sleep
• accept help whenever it is offered.
• therapy helps

Finally, the sadness and exhaustion become part of the landscape of your life. You get used to them. It stops being so constantly acute, and becomes like a low level ache. It becomes more manageable with time - until it sneaks up on you and you're crying in a heap on the pavement out of nowhere...