Still the storm

[Willowkins]

Continuing the support thread - mostly for the partners of people living with terminal cancer - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/life_limiting_illness/3266385-The-calm-before-the-storm?pg=10

Dahliaaa. It’s really horrible. I keep thinking someone will tell us its all been a terrible mistake.

It really is moonstone. The shock will start to wear off after a while - I can't say I've ever really come to terms with the diagnosis but we have had some good and 'normal' times over the last 4 years.

@notapizzaeater I'm glad you got through the funeral as best as you could. Happy belated birthday 🎉 I'm sure these next few weeks will be awful for you, feel free to reach out 💜

Did your partners sleep a lot?

Yes as it was progressing he was sleeping 22 out of the 24 hours. There's lots of research on cancer fatigue.

Thanks

My partner was givin 6 months about 5 weeks ago he's now been taken into hospice in a emergency he's really poorly they have said days I'm so broken how do I cope without him

@Relaxing2: it's so hard. I'm so sorry.

I haven't been back to the thread for a bit, as my husband died in mid-September. I would not have thought that I could cope with what happened during his illness and death but I did, and so will you, and so will all the other incredibly strong people on this thread.

My advice, for the little it's worth, is just to go with it, and trust the grieving process. We tried to live in the moment as much as possible during DH's final illness. Afterwards, I was surprised to find how much your brain regulates the process for you - I expected to be prostrated with grief, but actually I was numb for a long time afterwards, with the feelings sort of trickling out at a volume I could deal with. I'm now beginning to be able to remember the whole person, and not dwell too much on the indignities and terror of his last months. I can focus on all the time we had together and the shape and patterns of his whole life.

@notapizzaeater: I'm glad that the funeral went well. I found my DH's more comforting than I expected, even though it was so tiny. How are you doing now? I know the days after the funeral can feel empty and odd.

@Relaxing2 we had the same, doctors told us 1/2 months, he died within the week and was non responsive for 4 days of that. It's so very hard.

@SchrodingersKitty were doing ok, still in the numb 'it's not happened' every now and then I will think 'ooh I need to tell DH that' then realise. His funeral def helped DS with closure and it was as lovely as it could be.

@SchrodingersKitty thank you, that is a deeply comforting post xxx

He's gone ❤️

I'm so sorry to hear @Relaxing2 - I felt an enormous relief tbh, DH would have hated to have been in the state he was. Now 1 month in I'm still numb and don't quite believe it yet. Here if you want to chat xx

My most sincere condolences @Relaxing2

I'm so sorry relaxing2

I'm very sorry @Relaxing2

So sorry to hear this Relaxing2

Thank you everyone

So very sorry, Relaxing2

Many

Hope you all doing well, we're still ticking over, been to the hospital today about my bad knee, joy - need a knee replacement 😭. Booked in for April.

Has the phone call today to say his ashes are ready to collect - gulp ..... not sure if I'm ready (or ever will be). DH loved holidays so I think I'm going to take a small amount with me whenever (if ever ?....) we go on holiday and sprinkle on the beach.

I hope I can post here - my brother is dying from a cancerous brain tumour. He's been battling it for over a year but I feel he's close to the end now. He lives with his wife and kids about an hour away and I haven't been able to see him recently. I'm hopefully going to visit tomorrow, despite lockdown. I don't know why I'm telling you all this. We were so close, I'm a single parent and he's like a second dad to my kids. I want to take the kids to see him but I don't want to traumatise them as he's very much not himself any more. I can't decide if they should see him one more time or not. They are 9 and 5. I think at that age I would have not appreciated it but my kids are so much more sensible and grounded than I was. I also don't want them to see me loose it and become an emotional wreck, as normal as that is I think that might scare them too. I really hope I can see him.

Hi @SuperCaliFragalistic. Welcome to the thread no one wants to need.

I have recent experience with brain cancer, as my DH died of lymphoma in the brain in September. I would strongly advise you not to take your kids. Our DS, who is 21, found dealing with the mental and behavioural changes very difficult. I think they’d be much better remembering him as he was. I hope you do get to see him soon.

If when they last saw him he was himself, and there has been a length of time since they last saw him, then I agree with @SchrodingersKitty, don’t take them. The difference between how they remember him last and how he is now is too much to expect kids to be able to rationalise or have perspective on.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you and your family, it’s a bloody hard road.

Thank you, that's really helpful to have your perspective. He lives with his young children too but they have been there every day and his new behaviour/appearance will be normal for them now I guess. We saw them twice in December and both times he was clearly deteriorating, to my mind, and my eldest mentioned certain aspects. I think the decline has been quite sharp since then. But I can't right now cope with the thought that they will never see him again. And they are oblivious to that but I know it. I feel like I'm taking something precious away from them and him, an opportunity for a last hug or a kind smile. As is so often the case I will sleep on it and discuss with my SIL in the morning. Thank you, thank you.

Been at the breast clinic today finally, looks like the news isn't great. I had a mammogram, then a ct of the breast followed by an ultrasound. They found the lump in my breast and a enlarged lymph node so have taken biopsies of both. Saw the consultant after who said it doesn't look good but didn't want to give a definite answer. So now we wait for the results of the biopsies.
The biopsy of the breast lump was fine but the lymph node one was a bit more painful as they had to dig around a fair bit.