DH has a brain tumour

[AndNoneForGretchenWieners]

I've posted before about my DH, who was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer in 2017. He had a lung removed, chemotherapy, and was told the cancer had spread to the lymph nodes but was dormant. His last oncology appointment in November was quite positive and he was cleared to go on holiday in Germany in December.

While we were away I noticed that his memory was quite bad, but he's always been a bit absent minded so didn't think anything of it. He had been having headaches, but was due to have his eyes tested so again thought it was that.

Over New Year he started slurring his words, drooling, and being quite abrupt and snappy. My parents remarked that his personality had changed and wondered if it was his meds.

Yesterday I couldn't understand anything he said, so against his wishes phoned 111, who spoke to him and sent an ambulance. He got very distressed and stopped speaking, so that his speech couldn't be assessed. The paramedics thought he had had a stroke but he wasn't meeting all the FAST markers. When he got to a&e they sent him for a brain scan and the results showed that the cancer has spread into his brain. He has two lesions and a tumour, which is "not small". He was put on steroids and is now going to be an inpatient for the foreseeable future.

I am devastated. I don't know what to expect, he hasn't seen his oncologist yet but she is due to come round today or tomorrow. His speech is even worse today and he is speaking out of one side of his mouth only, and drooling every time he speaks. He's in denial and is convinced he's going home tomorrow, even though I have tried to break it to him that he won't be.

Had anyone been in this position? What do I need to ask the oncologist? Any tips for what could make him more comfortable? What happens next? Please be gentle.

AndNoneForGretchenWeiners
My deepest sympathy.

So shocked to read your sad news. Sorry for the loss of your lovely DH. I can't imagine how you must feel. Wishing you strength to get through this.

Thank you everyone, I am really overwhelmed. I am staying with my parents for now, as i can't face going back to our house to sleep. I found it hard going in today to pack some clothes and pick up the paperwork I will need for notifying the bank and so on.

I feel so numb, and it doesn't feel real. I keep thinking he's at work, or out somewhere, and he'll be back soon. I went to Waitrose earlier and had a bit of a moment at the deli counter, because we used to always get pork pie or black pudding for him and cheese for me. It suddenly hit me that I'm a single parent now, and if anyone asks me I can't say I'm married. It's like I'm in a fugue state or a bubble. I miss his presence, his smiles and sarky comments.

He had a friend who is an undertaker, who has offered to conduct the funeral and walk in front of the coffin, it seems good that he will have someone who knows him looking after him.

My dad gave him a shave just before he passed, it was as though he knew that he looked like himself again so could let go. I held his hand from the moment they withdrew treatment (around 10am) until about 2 hours after the time he passed (5:30pm). I hated leaving him alone in the hospital, he must be so lonely. I've been touched to find out how loved he was, so many people have been in touch to say that he was one of the good ones and they can't believe he is gone.

I am so so sorry. I’m sending you and your family lots of love. It’s so unfair. Your DH sounds amazing. You are still married to him, in my opinion, nothing can take that away from you. I love that your DF shaved him. That’s really wonderful.

You are still married. Of course you are. And it won't feel real. Db passed 5 months ago from a brain tumour and it still doesn't feel real at all. It's simply unbelievable that someone could be ok with no symptoms and then 6 weeks later not here.

Don't expect anything of yourself. Just breathing and putting one foot in front of the other is enough for now. And it may also be that that way for months to come (it is for us).

The love you shared shines through and nothing, not even death, can take that from you.

I'm so sorry to her ur news

I am so sorry - you are in my thoughts

Thinking of you

I am so very sorry

Oh Gretchen

I think you're an incredibly brave and wonderful woman.

I read your thread with so much sadness for you. I am so sorry to hear of this development. I haven't personally been through this but my mum had a 4th stage diagnosis when I was 17 and I remember , all too well, the constant drain it is, emotionally speaking, to know that this disease is changing the one you love.

I always found knowledge strangely comforting in that situation. Knowing what was most likely going to happen helped me feel a little more prepared. I wouldnt say it made it easier... but it made it easier for my brain to stop whirring.

I wanted to send you lots of love. If I were with you in person, I would give you a great big hug.
Hugs are the best during this time. I remember people found it awfully awkward to say anything to me when mum was ill... when all I really needed was a hug. It speaks a thousand words of comfort.

Take care xx

So sorry to hear about your husband, as others have said your love for each other shone through.

So sorry

I'm not quite sure why the MN app didn't show me he bottom half of this thread but it makes my previous comment look odd.

I am so so sorry to hear of this. Deepest sympathies Gretchen. I cannot even fathom how much pain and emptiness you must be feeling. I can't even give words of comfort but I am a believer that those who move on to the next life, stay with us and protect us, in some form or another. I have no doubt that as you struggle through the next few days, weeks, months and years, your wonderful husband will be standing beside you, holding your hand and staying with you through it all.

I am sending my biggest hugs and love to you. Make sure you take care of yourself and your son, make sure you eat and drink water. Make sure you sleep if you can manage it. Just take every moment as it comes.

Take care xxxx

I'm so very sorry for your loss

I’m so so sorry OP I’m sure you’ve had all the advice you can possibly take, but I guess everyone is just trying to help you feel that one tiny piece better xx

I’d say... don’t avoid sadness. It sounds ridiculous I’m sure.., but you’ll have so many people trying to tell you not feel sad in the early days. You need to embrace and go through it, talk so much about your DH, tell every story, every annoyance, bore people!!.....you’re so strong as evidenced by your thread... that’s the only way I know to come out the other side... sadness really is temporary and memories are forever xxxx

I'm so so sorry for your loss.

Oh Gretchen I'm so sorry to read your news.

As others have said your love shines through your posts, your descriptions of your lovely husband are a testament to it.

I hope in time you'll get some comfort from the fact that you were with him til the end. How lovely of your dad to have helped him shave and feel like himself in his final hours.

I'm just so sorry you're having to go through this, love to you and your family 💐

I’m so very sorry you’ve lost your lovely husband, my heart hurts reading your posts. How much you adored him is so evident.

I hope you’re doing as well as can be expected and your sons too. X

I just wanted to come back to this now, with the distance of 10 weeks, 1 day, 3 hours and 53 minutes, to thank you all for those kind words you said. I am still devastated and struggling to comprehend that he has gone, and am talking to the walls a la Shirley Valentine since being back in our house, but am also beginning to take small steps to a new normal.

DS and I are going to London next week to use the vouchers my parents bought me and DH for Christmas to a James Bond themed banquet at the Ginstitute, and are deliberately staying in a part of London that DH and I never visited before. I've ordered a cremation ring so that I can take DH everywhere I go, and have joined Widowed and Young and the Womens Institute (much to DS and DSS amusement - DSS asked if I will be presented with my free bus pass when I go!).

Your wisdom and kindness has been so important in helping to get me through these dark days without my soulmate. I still say goodbye to him when I leave the house, and goodnight when I go to bed, but as long as nobody else hears me, I'm not a lunatic, right?

I have also had a visitation from DH. I know this sounds mad, and I am not in the least woo, but he came to me last week while I was in bed and kissed me and told me he loves me. So I'm taking some comfort from that.

Anyway I've waffled enough, but again thank you, you are all brilliant.

I am so sorry for the loss of your wonderful husband. I'm sending you and all who love him all the strength in the world

Your not a lunatic I laughed at the WI comment from you dc's! Take care

He'll always be with you in some way. Be it in the carpets you choose or the the 100 different pots of nails that are lined up in the garage ready to use.... (My Dad!)

My sister and l last weekend were using powertools to sort out my decking. Our Mum commented that Dad was with us as a robin was sat watching us the whole time. She then sadly said he never watches me when I'm gardening. I made her laugh then as l said that's because he doesn't have the fear of you chopping your finger off with a power tool.... 😂

My Dad died of a brain tumour too 8wks after diagnosis, an awful shock to everyone especially my Mum. She misses him so much but she also joined a social group U3A, and 6 years on is coping ok.

Much love to you

It's nice to know you're keeping on going (as if you've a choice, but you know).

Enjoy London. And the ring is a lovely, wonderful idea!

Oh @Gretchen I’ve just read your thread from the beginning with tears in my eyes.

I’m so truly sorry to you and your family. Life is so cruel.

Love to you all. I hope you are healing in any way you can x

Thank you for an update! That was unexpected. But I am glad to hear that you are grieving well - so many of us don't know how to deal with bereavement. The first one I had to deal with was a massive shock and took a long time to deal with properly. You sound like you are doing magnificently even if you don't feel like that.

I have no doubt you had a visitation. And you should always treasure it. I used to be woo but I'm not anymore. However, my visitation always remains with me and I am still convinced to this day.

Please take care. Sending you and your family so much love xxxx