This thread is very moving- I’m glad you are able to spend these precious moments with your mum- the photo of your hands together is beautiful!
My mum had a 9 month battle with stomach cancer, right in the middle of which, my dad had a 6 week fight with melanoma. They died 10 weeks apart, in the same hospice (though they weren’t in there at the same time). They had wonderful deaths. I hadn’t known such a thing existed, until it happened. Death truly is a part of life, and a ‘good’ death can be something that loved ones keep as a very special memory. I hope that doesn’t sound too bizarre. Obviously, I still feel that familiar pull in the middle of my chest when I relive their last days. But I feel so very honoured to have been with them as they left the world, just as they were there when I came into the world. There is a circularity to it which feels ‘right’.
I don’t think it matters whether or not you are there when a loved one takes their final breath. Death from disease is a process, not a singular moment, and so you have already been by her side as she dies. I hope your mum remains peaceful and pain free, and that she moves on gently when she is ready.
I strongly believe that people can have some control over their moment. My brother and I sat in vigil overnight with our dad, sharing a couple of beers and reminiscing about our childhood camping trips and outdoor adventures, which were always instigated by dad. We listened to Dire Straits and Huey Lewis; some of dad’s favourites. Dad hung on quite a lot longer than anyone expected; the Dr said he had a strong heart ❤️ The morning after our vigil, we stepped outside the room while the nurses were providing care and moving dad. We were only gone a couple of minutes before the nurse appeared and called us back in. Dad had died just after we left the room! I think he chose that. He was quite a private and dignified man in life, and I can believe he would want to be alone at the end.
Mum’s death was also a peaceful end, though a little sadder as her suffering had been so prolonged and so great, and she was so emaciated.
Sorry for rambling- it is so cathartic to talk about it, so I often end up sharing it. I’m sorry that you are going through this.
As for being able to enjoy moments- that is normal, and really good. I remember a moment during that horrendous year. Mum mum had just been released from hospital after a 10 day stay and was at home, and my dad was in the hospice. I had barely had time to breath in the preceding few weeks, and had been surviving on little sleep. One sunny Saturday afternoon, with arrangements in place for visitors/carers to look after our parents, my brother and I, along with our spouses and children, went and sat in a pub garden and had some food and a few ciders. It was bliss. Do enjoy those little breaks when you can.
Sending you love and hope 💐