Total bowel obstruction and Ovarian Cancer - advice?

[LadyFlumpalot]

Hi all, my Mum is in total bowel obstruction caused by advanced ovarian cancer and has been in a hospice for 3 weeks tomorrow. The last time she ate a proper meal was the beginning of April. Does anyone have any experience of this? Her doctors are being very vague and telling me they can't give a timescale.

She is still in symptom control mode, not end of life care but she is slowing down, getting sleepy, slurring her words and getting a bit confused.

I suppose what I want to know is - can anyone give me even a rough indication of how long? I'm so tired, the hospice is two hours from my house and I'm visiting every day as well as working and doing the childcare. I want to take a couple of days to myself but I'm worried she'll slip away and I won't be with her if I do that

What some hospices do is do visits to the bereaved after the death has happened, just for that slight continuity. There are bereavement services including counselling which is free, and also the opportunity to go to meetings with other people. Our hospice has this in staged groups in a lunch/coffee morning scenario-those who lost someone in the last six months, those up to 2 years for example. What seems to be common is that lots of spouses begin to volunteer either in the hospice or in the charity shops etc. There is also welfare support and the chance for things like McMillan grants, to support families and patients.
I'd recommend fluffy socks as the extremities feel very cold to the end as the body focuses it's blood supply on the internal organs. Similarly nice cream stops skin becoming too dry. The arms and legs can take on a corned beef appearance, darkened and blotchy, nails will have a blue tinge.

People will adopt a position once dying where sometimes the eyes are slightly open and the mouth hangs open. It looks horrible but is a sign the patient is relaxed, and part of the process. Full care is given, often patients don't urinate etc but even so they are washed and freshened. Nice talc is also nice to put on.

After a patient has died they are looked after very well. They are spoken to by name and told that they are being turned, washed and dressed. They are treated as themselves even after death. Sorry if that's too much, if you'd like to know any more then ask me, I just wanted you to know that the care continues until the patient leaves the hospice.

So sorry about your DH Only that is truly awful. I know another person who's loved one waited until their birthday had passed and died at 8am the next morning.
Love can do amazing things.x

Hi all, had a moment of realisation today when my mum tried to get up and go for a bit of fresh air. She took a tumble and then was too weak to get back up again. That really brought it home just how weak she is getting. I think it will be next week

Op I’m so sorry to read this. My Mum died two years ago, not from cancer , she did just fade away and stop eating. When your mum stops being able to swallow then I would say you’ve probably got a couple of days left at most. I was giving my Mum sips of squash and in the end she was thirsty but the fluid would pool in her mouth because she couldn’t swallow. Then she was knocked out on a morphine driver and lived for just under two days after that. I was with her all day but going home to sleep and cuddle my dds. The last morning her breathing was much more shallow and she looked different, eventually there were gaps between breaths, and then no next breath. It is such a hard thing to go through, I really feel for you. I am glad I spent so much time with her though, I’m glad I was with her when she left.

So sorry Lady.
Is she ok otherwise, didn't bruise herself? How is she feeling emotionally x

She didn't hurt herself at all, my stepdad was with her and he managed to slow her tumble, she kind of had a slow sit down if that makes sense.

Emotionally she has been ok, but that tumble really dented her confidence. She was very quiet and down afterwards so I left her with my stepdad so she could feel free to have emotions without worrying about upsetting me.

It's probably hit home in the same way it did for you. Nothing can comfort you but

OP it sounds like a tough time. I would consider asking the GP to sign you off sick for a period of time and you can self certify for 7 days. This will give you some breathing space to try and fit everything in.

I can't, @anotherangel2 - I'm a contractor (but not one of the self employed ones who set their own rates). I don't get sick pay.

My work have been marvellous and have told me, no ordered me, to take as much time as I need so I've been going in for two hours a day, driving an hour from work to spend two hours with Mum, driving two hours back home to pick up the kids and rinse and repeat.

I'm not going to go in next week though, not after her fall. I'm going to spend as long as I can with her.

DH is being marvellous as well, he's doing ALL THE OVERTIME at the moment so that he banks enough wages to cover my shortfall when the inevitable happens, plus mentally supporting me, making me eat etc.

They days seem so long but afterwards it seems as though there wasn't enough time.
I'm glad you have support.

to everyone here whose loved ones have died. My DM and I spent my DF’s last day with him in hospital. He’d stopped speaking about 3 days previously and was pretty much unconscious since then. I was willing him to let go at the end . He died literally 10 minutes after mum and I left the hospital. I am so sure he waited

She's been moved to a private room this evening. I'm hoping that was because the people next to her were annoying her... but realistically I think it's probably an indication.

how are you doing OP? (You don’t have to respond if you’re not up to it, no pressure)

Sending best wishes to you and your family 🌷🌷

:( not sure if you want to hear this or not but my mum was in a private room for quite a while - about 3 weeks I think. It's much nicer having your 'own' space - we used to watch strictly together on the tv and not worry about disturbing anyone.

Thinking of you Lady xxx

I'm ok, @SoddingUnicorns - whether that's because I have to be or not remains to be seen.

I will say, I thought I knew what depression felt like after being diagnosed quite a few years ago. Did I fuck. Luckily I'm an old hand at CBT so am coping.

I had a minor breakdown the other evening - and I'm struggling with random things like suddenly seeing cancer research posters every-fucking-where.

Don't even get me started on MIL. Boundaries are not her strong point.

Thank you again everyone for sharing your stories and experiences with me. Xx

Oh Lady I’m so sorry. Those meltdowns are so sudden and debilitating. I had one watching the video for You’ll Never Walk Alone, seeing an elderly couple dancing happily and realising that would never be my Mum and Dad.

However, I think this is the one time in your life that telling your MIL to fuck right off is entirely acceptable. I’m not being flippant at all, nobody should be putting any added stress on you at all. Either support or fuck off.

It's DHs birthday on Friday and she wants to come and have a birthday tea. I left the decision up to him (for context they live 100 miles away so it's an overnighter job and they are fussy, flustery people. They will expect a cake, presents, beer, a meal.)

Now, I said that was fine they could come in the afternoon, drive to meet me at the hospice and we'll all go on to the beach for fish and chips. DH decided it was too much pressure and said no.

This is now officially my fault. SIL has been on the WhatsApp to tell me off for upsetting her Mum. I've handed it over to DH to manage and blocked the fucking lot of them til this is all over.

I dare not speak to them myself as I have inherited my mums Danish genes and can turn into a tiny ball of concentrated Viking rage complete with fire and blood when pushed hard enough.

Not what I need.

Ah yes, and the job I've been waiting for a year to apply for has just gone live at work. Luckily the recruiting manager (my already manager) has agreed to hold off interviews til I'm ready regardless of how long it takes.

Also also, my house purchase is just turning to a pile of shit.

Breathe.

Fuck fuck fuck your inlaws. Bastards the lot of them. You will never get the time back with your mum. At least your DH is dealing with it.
Your manager sounds fab. That job will be a welcome distraction afterwards.
xx

Thinking of you OP X

Thank you. Her hands and feet are cold today. She's so thin now. She told me which dress she wants and asked me to make sure I look out for her good earrings so they don't get thrown away by accident.

It's heart breaking isn't it.
I hope you are managing to eat and sleep a little bit. You still need to care for you xxx

So sorry to hear. My dad had a bowel obstruction caused by adhesions from previous abdominal surgery. He was rushed into hospital, diagnosed and passed away 7 days later. Didn't manage to get him into a hospice, but he just faded away. Not nice. Doctors would not give any timescale as they said sometimes the obstruction clears itself, but only had palliative care after 2 days. Sending hugs 💕

My dad died of an inoperable bowel obstruction and it was pretty quick. After being told it was inoperable he made it very clear that he didn't want any pain and so they sedated him as he was very distressed. He died about 48 hours' later but it was very peaceful, he just slipped away because he was sedated.

I don't know if this is the same thing though.

Sorry you are going through this it's shit 😔