I'm not OK

[Willowkins]

My lovely DH was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer with mets in the liver and lungs last year. After 6 long months of chemo we have the scan and results this coming week. I have been holding it together all this time. The thing is I suddenly realise I am not OK. I know this sounds selfish and this shouldn't be about me but I feel so sad. I was listening to Run by Leona Lewis and I just burst into tears. Also, I've realised that I need everything to be perfect to feel safe but of course it's not perfect so I get really cross. I wanted to punch a man in his car earlier today. This is not OK is it?

Oh Selena, your poor DH - and you, having to be the strong one. I think you are permitted a wobble.

selena I am so so sorry you're going through this. It is so unfair. And other people's good news just highlights the unfairness of it all.
Sending you vibes and prayers and every thought for peace...and a big hug too.

Thank you all so much. It just feels so supportive. to everyone!

He's still odd today, but I've taken a urine sample down to surgery and if not that then I can only think he's dehydrated. Not eating so that's also a factor.

Ahh. Surgery just phoned, he has got infection. Another trip to chemist but hopefully that explains the hallucinations.

Hope everyone having a good day and MRI sorted Five?

Saw the surgeon today and papers all signed so it's going ahead - probably in June now after 2 weeks of intensive radiotherapy. First they weren't going to operate, then they were, then they weren't, now they will again. It's very confusing. He has so much courage to be going through with this.
Hope each of you is finding something positive in your lives. Hugs all round.

Oh Willow, back to the roller coaster and bubble!

We're back on them too. DH had fallen out of bed when I got downstairs this morning and had trapped arm in the bed clamp thing. Ambulance men got him up, found blood sugars sky high and ?trapped brachial artery.

A and E surprisingly quiet when we arrived at 9 and seen quickly. Severe dehydration +infection + fast onset late diabetes = kidney problems = sepsis. Registrar lovely, got him on various drips, several x-rays, now on ward. Brachial artery repairing itself. A and E heaving at lunchtime so we were lucky to be seen so fast.

Maybe the fall is providential? Hugs all round.

And hugs to you too Selena and anyone else who is still up.
It does sound like your DH is getting the care he needs so that's something. Does this mean a little respite for you too? I do hope so.
Yes we're back on the rollercoaster but the counselling is helping me to cope with the anxiety.

Down we go again on this ride, and this time there's no up. Lovely Consultant came to tell us that they think the cancer cells are just erupting everywhere. They've got DH comfortable, still having active antibiotics/fluid IV, but can't control. Probably move to hospice in near future. I'm bemused to hear there is a hospital palliative care team and a hospice p- c- team. Wonder why, surely they're duplicating each other?

I know I've said it before, but when people are kind (and they are being) I'm immediately in tears. Oh well, tomorrow is another day. Love to all.

Sending you lots of hugs and strength for the days ahead Selena.

Thinking of you both Selena

Wonder why, surely they're duplicating each other?

Limited hospice spaces and different clinical backgrounds of patients mean that not everyone can get into a hospice and hospice care isn't appropriate for every patient, thus palliative care teams are needed in both places.

Wishing you strength and an uneventful night.

Selena I've just read your latest post. I can't quite seem to find the words because this is so awful. For now I hope you get some sleep and your DH gets whatever is needed to make him comfortable. We are here. You're not alone.

selena, I don't have any words but I am thinking of you and your DH and wishing you both strength and peace.

Thank you, all of you. And Andro - is this your first post on this thread? - that is useful information and if I see him again, I'll pass it on to the consultant as he said he wasn't sure either.

Cats fed, too wet to feed Barnaby tortoise as she'll sensibly stay in her house, too early to phone hospice palliative team, so enjoying Mumsnet, the paper and cup of tea, ready to face the day. The perceptive ones will notice housework is not coming into the equation !

SelenaValentina

First post in your thread yes - I saw the question at stupid o clock last night and pretty much repeated the answer I was given to a similar question some years back. If I've blundered, then please accept my apologies.

selena much love to you and your DH, I really have no words of comfort but to let your u know that you are both in my thoughts.

DH had is operation today, although the operation went well he was in recovery for 5 hours and then moved to intensive care not HDU. Been to see him and they are not to concerned, his lactate levels are too high and rising hence the intensive care bit, lovely manager at Premier Inn has booked me in for tomorrow night but happy to refund if I don't need it.

Andro - so sorry, I thought I'd replied this morning to say of course you haven't blundered. That was great information and thank you.

Five fingers and toes tightly crossed. Aren't people kind sometimes, it makes me cry!

And thank you to everyone who's kindly responded to my post, to you all.

DH is still in AMU and the care is excellent. The sister seemed to think he will be there until blood sugar/infection sorted. I'm both surprised and pleased by the pro-active treatment. Palliative Team (ie, one nurse) turned up at some point and just told the ward to use whatever drugs necessary. They'll go in every day apparently.

He's comfortable, not in pain at all, being well cared for . I can't ask for much more, other than please let him be able to stay there then go to the hospice rather than (rather grim to my eyes) geriatric ward.

Five everything crossed for your DH.

Selena thinking of you both.

Love & hugs to everyone

What squirrels said. Still thinking about you all in your moments of crisis. We are currently fortunate in not having an emergency. That's good.

Quick Update. He's still in AMU, the care is still brill. Palliative team call in to ward every day, they can't take him in the hospice until he's free of the insulin drip and/or (depending on whom you speak to) antibiotics apparently (?).

How's your DH, Five? Hope all now well?

Fuzzy - let's hope your calm is now your norm.

Good wishes and all round.

DH is over halfway with the radiotherapy (2 of 5 to go) and feeling OK. Pre-op and op are booked for next week plus chat with stoma nurse. This last is life changing (they've told us it will be permanent ) but he's going through with it in the hope it gives him more time with the kids. I am super proud of him and told him I'll love him no matter what.

My mum had a stoma at 70, Willow, and to everyone's amazement coped really well. Test as many bags until find right one, plenty of wet wipes, tissue, nappy sacks and a sense of humour all help. I've changed them for her and really quite easy.

She died aged 80 from old age and pneumonia after breaking her hip. If she can do it....

Sleep well everyone.

Thanks Selena, that is very reassuring as well as being informative. Hope all is well with you and your DH today.

Hugs to all.

Willowkins my dad had a stoma at about 49, and is now 71 and has no issues with it at all. Fingers crossed for the op.

Hugs to all.

Willowkins my dad had a stoma at about 49, and is now 71 and has no issues with it at all. Fingers crossed for the op.

Thanks squirrels DH is 50 so that means a lot. Nine months ago he was dying. I'll gladly take a DH with a bit missing but alive no doubt about that.