Needles and Neutrophils: The Hobnob Chronicles

[biscuitsandbandages]

Four weeks today I woke in my own bed with my 8 week old daughter in my arms and waited for the inevitable sounds of approaching 4 and 6 year old boys. I had everything I had every dreamed of. Life was difficult and tiring but we were getting there and I had plans for the summer and dreams for our family's future together.

Twelve hours later I was on CCU plugged into a monitor with fluid around my heart secondary to a diagnosis of adult T cell acute lymphoblastic leukaemia. I've not been home since.

Statistically my chances aren't great but statistics don't apply to individuals and leukaemia hasn't met me before. My personal survival statistics calculated by me and based on stubbornness, amazing support from family, friends and my mumsnet backup crew and the healing powers of 3 small children are 100% and I won't accept less.

I have superpowers. I have grown three entire human beings. Piddly little leukaemic cells haven't got a hope.

But.....at times I am very scared. This should not be happening to me. It's was not how I planned to spend my maternity leave. My precious year when I was just going to be their mum and nothing else.

This is my second thread but I'm not going to link back as I'm moving forward. Thank you for moving forward with me.

Biscuits x

Ok, I called them, thank you.
Apparently the consultant from Oxford is going to call me today.
Sometime.
Apparently.
So I sit and wait.
Do I get the kids which I know would cheer me up?
But if he calls can I take that call properly with a 4year old and a baby?
If I cry will it upset them?

Sorry you're having such a shit day. But hopefully the consultant from Oxford might deliver some heartening news. Thinking of you.

It sounds like you need to preserve yourself today Biscuits? So hard to take phone calls with kids around. Even just short, breezy conversations are hard work in this house!

Sorry you're having a frustrating day. We all have them but you have even more reason to feel utterly fed up.
I'm sure this mood will pass and you'll have a better, more productive day, another day. Just remember the old self-compassion. Try not to expect too much from yourself. This is a really difficult and pivotal time in your life. Is it any wonder you feel like you do?

Sincerely hope the consultant calls as promised and that any news you receive this week is not as bad as you fear (dare I say good, even?).

Ok.
Lovely consultant called. He is working through the results and discussing them with colleagues at other hospitals..... But will call me tomorrow and then Monday to keep me in the loop. He is really understanding. I explained I need a plan and dates and (and preferably a job list but I didn't say that as I thought I would sound crazy) he gets it and will tell me what is going to happen next as soon as he knows.

They are really good.
If anyone can give me a chance it's them.
I'm going to have a cup of tea and a biscuit and then I'm going to collect my babies. Just need to calm down a bit first.

That sounds good. Take a moment to have a nice cup of tea and hopefully a chocolate biccy. Being kept in the loop is half the psychological battle. Thinking of you up here in Scotland.

Sounds promising -one day at a time xxx

and

Yay for lovely consultant being lovely.
One step at a time, one cuppa, one cuddle at a time.
You are doing so well.
Hope tomorrow brings more progress, and hope you have a better afternoon with the petri dishes xxx

Glad you got to speak to someone helpful and knowledgeable. Hope you are snuggled up nowcwith kids and cbeebies.

Nina and the neurons and 3 clean children (it wont last long!)

Nothing like a cuddle with freshly washed kids.

That sounds more like it!

Well done for getting through today. It's sounded like a tough one.

I really hope that you can get some black and white answers and plans soon. I can empathise with that feeling. I don't like being in limbo.

Xxx

So pleased you have a lovely consultant who is communicating with you. Today must have been really hard. Enjoy the temporarily clean petri dishes.

Yes, hope they were snuggly Amd warm. Hope your consultant keeps calling. You are doing great.

Best of luck today, hobnobs. I haven't posted before but have been following your thread.

Hang in there darling Hobnobs.

We had hobnobs in the school staff room today, made me smile and think of you.

Stay stale xx

Still thinking of you Biscuits. Hope the consultant has kept you in the loop and you are hanging in there, staying stale xx

Hoping it was good news today hobnob x

Hope you can get away from it all, in the bosom of your family, at home on the mothership, this weekend Biscuits - preferably as your neutrophil count soars. Thoughts with you, as ever.

Hope you have a good weekend

I just made biscotti. I could leave some with the party rings to dip in tea. Thinking of you x

Hope you're having fun with your little biscuits today!

Hi Biscuits. Just checking in, I was without internet for a week so couldn't post but thought of you often.

I hope you had plenty of lovely snuggles over the weekend and that you get a clear plan for going forward soon.

Morning biscuits - glorious sunshine-y day here in West Kent. I hope the sun is shining on you today, literally and metaphorically. Thinking of you.

Morning biscuits. hope you had an OK weekend and weren't left hanging for news.