Not a good day. leukaemia diagnosis.

[biscuitsandbandages]

When I woke up this morning I was a mum of 3 with an 8 week old baby.

Now im a cancer patient on thr coronary care ward.

This cannot be happening to me.

Hope you are sleeping tight.

Your dh sounds fab biscuits, he knew exactly what kind of support you needed today. Sweet dreams x

Ive been lurking since your original post and am rooting for you biscuits.

This may sound like a silly and small suggestion so feel free to ignore it, but can you do things like meal planning and food shopping online for your DH and DC? It is my most hated job but I think it would make me feel like I was involved at home / helping DH / looking after the kids.

Morning!

Just popping in to say hello. I second the food shopping- and it means you get to pick your own treats too- and some for the boys

What's on the agenda for today? Are you able to have some time with kids?

Another step closer to home x

Internet does not represent the reality. People tend to turn to forums when in need of help or when facing a hard time. Very few will start or join a conversation after winning a battle against cancer. And even those who started a conversation and got well, won't come back to update.
We share good outcomes between family and friends in real life or maybe Facebook. So that is one of the reasons there aren't so many positive stories out there.

I had skin cancer couple of years ago. A carcinoma which is not as sinister as a melanoma. I had a huge and ugly scar on my face after the surgery and only wanted to hide and now you don't notice it.
But I didn't start a thread about my experience and how it ended well after all. When you are in the "cancer storm" you're just scared and shocked and later you just put it behind.
So not reading about happy endings doesn't mean there aren't happy endings, it just means people aren't writing about it.
(((hugs)))

Morning Biscuits
Hoping today is a good day for you. Stay stale!

Internet reading is very scary, sorry I forgot how i felt during treatment. I still find others stories regarding my lymphoma awful to read, then I remind myself I'm me not them! That's someone else's story!!

I really had to change how I viewed the future & my life, I always lived in the future not today, I changed that!!

The biggest thing that helped me was realising no one has a guaranteed future. Whilst I was ill several people I knew of died or had major accidents, so no longer have any degree of normal life. They had no idea it just happened.

You have an opportunity to fight, you are able to get over this with the most upto date meds & knowledge your docs know!

I'm sorry but the easiest way I found to cope was living day to day, no one knows what their future holds. Don't waste today worrying about something which might never happen! Easier said than done I know! Also I learnt to meditate!

Hope today is better!
(Some neutropenic safe flowers for you)

Thank you. Im really struggling to get out of my pit of panic and sadness. Its primitive and not responsive to my brains attempts to talk it down.. like a small scared animal in a cage.

I guess being here doesny help.
There is a massive feeling of wasting the time I have separated from my family when I want to be living for each day... but this is life suspended without any guarantee of resumption. .. and it feels at the moment without much hope of it eaither.

Here's to a good day today! I'm sorry that I'm so useless with words, but I am silently thinking of you each day and wishing you well.
Photobombing Husky This cracked me up the other day on The Graham Norton Show - hope it makes you smile.

biscuits

The hours must drag like treacle. Have you been described anything to dull the anxiety? Is it allowed? Is there any form of distraction that helps? Can we help with that?

Your medical team (and your lovely-sounding DH) must be convinced that this is all far from being a futile effort, or they wouldn't waste your time trying. Maybe just try to hang on to other people's rational assessments even while you can't heed your own?

Described!? I meant prescribed

Morning biscuits, I am here thinking of you and hoping you have a better day today.
I do somewhat understand what you mean by the panic and fear that sits in your stomach, I remember exactly that feeling being hooked up to machines and the terror just fighting to get out like as you say a caged animal. The only advice I have is to try to focus on little deadlines, break the time down, ie two hours until lunch, breathe slowly, read, do the crossword, knit, force yourself to do something, something you have chosen to do. It helped me feel more in control that I could for a time control and negate the fear and eventually the time spent faking being ok helped me become more so. I hope that makes any sense at all? Words are not my strongest point sorry
X

You need to try to lose yourself in something. With me its databases or planning suff - weekly meal plans, kids timetable, pta rotas...

Each day is one closer to this sodding disease being crushed and you going home.

Do your visualisations, sing, watch trashy tv, paint... Anything to stop the Bad Thoughts. I used to tell clients to vusualise the Bad Thoughts being like tlone of those little devils on your shoulder like they have in cartoons. One lady said that she had a Bad Troll on one shoulder who would whisper negative thoughts to her, and the other shoulder had a gremlin with boxing gloves who would pop up and whollop the bad troll when he started whispering. I also know someone who had the mantra when she got stressed and anxious of 'oh fukkit!!!'. This was a genteel lady in her 70s who took a naughty delight in saying bad words.

Of course you are going to feel low and crap - side effects of the illness and treatment, plus being homesick as anything. You will get through this. You have the good old mumsnet ('we never close') site to go to when you need distraction, a hug or somewhere to offload.

Is there a chaplain or vicar or voodoo priest who visits in the hospital? Our vicar used to pop in on dad and they'd have nice chats - not about religion, as dad wasn't religious - but about all sorts of things.

Do you read Biscuits?

I sent a pal a book by Isabel Allende when she was having chemo. It's called City of the Beasts and it's a kids book. She said it was great because it was very absorbing but easy to read when she wasn't feeling 100%.

I remember feeling just as you do. They are all normal thoughts, you will get to a point where you learn to control them!

Are you on an antidepressant ? If not ask about them, I've been on 10mg citalopram since diagnosis, I still haven't come off it.
Also if you are struggling sleeping accept any offers of sleeping tablets, I found these helped time pass much quicker as I was sleeping hours away.
You may not want to take such things but they do help and have a purpose, to get you through this exceptionally stressful time!

Thinking of you xx

Popping in to say hallo.

I would also second asking about some anti-anxiety meds. Anything that can help you along is worth it.

I took citralopram for nearly a year for anxiety & it really helped me.

Hope today is better.

Hiya biscuits

Oh feeling for you .

A couple of diverting websites, if maybe they will help you to switch off most of your mind and just get through the "life in suspension" till you can see your family later on.

CakeWrecks - Recommended by another mumsnetter ages ago. I've also got into her accopmanying blog Epbot (linked to from the cakewrecks website)

Geoguessr Game where you click on a map to guess where google steetview is showing you - sounds really dull written down but can be entertaining.

Stay stale

Hi biscuits. Just wanted it pop in and say that I'm thinking of you.

Is there anything that I could send to make things a bit easier - I'd be delighted to do a little care package just with a few things to help pass the time hopefully. Totally realise that you may very well not want to give your address to a total random on the internet but wondered if I might be allowed it send it to the hospital - maybe just marked for biscuits as long as you told the nurses obviously!

Hello Biscuits, another one just checking in to say hello and that I'm thinking of you too.

Tell us about your DD! Does she have chubby arms and legs with pleats of pudginess, or is she a long lean baby? Lots of hair, or bald as an egg? These are important facts for the broody.

Sending you strength and calmness.

Oh yes, please do tell us about DD! I have a DD who I think must be similar in age - she's 14 weeks.

I've noticed she loves a chat with some eye contact - much more than DS at that stage. Am wondering if your DD is similar or more of an action girl?

Love hearing about what others do to entertain their little ones at this stage and getting other ideas

Oh Biscuits my lovely….

Firstly I know our situations are different in that it my little boy that is going through this rather than me, but I can only imagine the feelings, particularly the fear are very similar. I just wanted to say that I think you are amazing… I mean really amazing. It’s taken me until now, ten months down the line to get to the place where you are. A couple of weeks in, I was still walking around in shock, desperately hoping I would wake up and it would all have been a terrible nightmare.

Don’t put pressure on yourself to be strong all the time though. You will have your down days and in my limited experience I have found it much better not to fight them – it is completely natural to get scared and angry so I let myself have a good cry, wait for the despair to pass and then pick myself up and get back on with it.

You have received so much good advice already there is probably not much helpful I can add, but please, please stay away from Google. The few times I have read stuff online I have always felt worse afterwards. It doesn’t matter if I read ten stories with a positive outcome and one not so good – guaranteed it is that one that sticks in my mind. As DS’s lovely doctor said to me in the beginning if you want the worse outcome look online, because naturally people are more inclined to post when things aren’t going well and need the support. Most people who have come out the side are too busy getting on with their lives.

I love your post above Blondepip. I went to see a counsellor recently who specialised in CBT/mindfulness. I was quite sceptical as to what he could really do but I have found it immensely helpful. It really made me realise how much of my anxiety and fear is based on reliving the past and my fear of what could happen in the future, rather than what is happening today. I remember one session sobbing my heart out as I talked about the possibility that my son might relapse/losing him. He let me cry for a moment and then gently asked me where my son was now, and the answer was playing happily at home with his sister and cousin, not a care in the world J. It really brought it home to me that it was my thoughts and fears (of something that may never happen) that were hurting me, not the reality of the situation. So I am trying very hard and I know it is a lot easier said than done, to focus on today….because the reality is that is all any of us have. I can’t control what happens in the in the future…. but I can make sure that today is filled with love and laughter for me and my little ones.

Go easy on yourself Biscuits it’s still very early days but you will get through this. We’re here with you every step of the way xxx

As DS’s lovely doctor said to me in the beginning if you want the worse outcome look online, because naturally people are more inclined to post when things aren’t going well and need the support. Most people who have come out the side are too busy getting on with their lives.

Sorry - millions of posts today. Gone from being a total lurker to not shutting up

My DH is a dentist and I know he agrees with this sentiment 100%. The internet is great but he very often sees people who have very understandably googled about conditions - particularly cancer (of course, why wouldn't you) - and understandably been very upset by the results as, of course, it's not a true representative sample. But it's so hard not to do.

I know he would absolutely applaud nocakes very wise post

take a look at Headspace app for mindfullness. they did have free 10 days or something.

Hey, lovely Biscuits.

So many wise words (and I'm the worst about googling, so I won't dare add to them!). Just one extra thought to toss in to the pile for you to ignore or use as you wish...

That image of that primal bit of you that we all have, scared and sad and going to ground to wail...I thought it was very powerful. Maybe, when it appears, you could visualize it as some sort of creature you'd like to soothe/cuddle (mine would be a baby monkey or a small alien - I can't believe I just said that) and look after it for a moment before tucking it safely into your pocket/bosom in order to take action on all the good advice about distractions and positivity.

May well not be your personal cup of tea - I find visualizing helpful at times, and not at others - but it was just such a strong and understandable image (there you go with your good writing again!) and I suppose I find that anything that helps me accept those out of control feelings does, ironically, give me back a modicum of control.

Sending you a bunch of cyber wisteria from our porch, and thinking of you x

Hi biscuits, just checking in, waving hello.... Hello!