Not a good day. leukaemia diagnosis.

[biscuitsandbandages]

When I woke up this morning I was a mum of 3 with an 8 week old baby.

Now im a cancer patient on thr coronary care ward.

This cannot be happening to me.

Ask the maternity ward if you can borrow an inflatable birthing pool?

Ask every 5-10 minutes to turn it down. They will get so annoyed by the 400th time that they will do it!!

Evening Biscuits!

Delighted to see you are in a kick-ass mood today! Hope you have managed to see you children x

Love these suggestions!

They have moved me room, it's a chillyn23 in here so feeling a little better.

Am practising positive visualisations after meeting with the psychologist again.

This is mine at the moment.
My body is strong and can tolerate high doses of medication. I am not someone who generally experiences side effects easily. My immune system so far has been effective and I only need a few neutrophils to keep things at bay. My bone marrow is young and will make me new cells. I will find a match on the register. I choose to have these treatments because I want to get well. Lumbar punctures are just a door to get the medicine where it needs to go. Bone marrow biopsies are helpful and will tell me if its working. God will heal me and my friends and family will help me keep my family together until I'm home.

My baby girl is coming in an hour.. Am buzzing!

Brilliant. Baby snuggles for you soon. Make sure you wrap up warm. 23 degrees. Brrrrr!

I love that visualisation - very powerful and strong! Hope it goes well with your baby and you get loads of cuddles.

Stay as strong as your last post - wonderful Biscuits.

Write that post down & remember it through any bad time that may come.

I hope you had lovely baby cuddles.

Enjoy your cuddles brave biscuit.

Evening biscuits, hope you had a lovely cuddle with your baby. x

Exactly 10 weeks ago I was lying in a hospital bed in a room laid out just like this one nursing my one hour old daughter and ringing our sons with the news.

I was so happy.

Hitting me hard this morning.

Dont let me fall.

Sending prayers and hope to you and your previous family

Good morning biscuits. :)

You are in the right place to get all the right treatment to be there for her when she is older. I want you to be there for your DCs when they are your age! Being in that room and accepting the treatment to beat the cancer is going to help that happen.

Is there a way of using your memory of the room you gave birth in to visualise the room you are in now as a good place, a life-giving place?

Precious! So sorry. New phone.

If there's any place they won't let you fall it's here.

You must be terrified. Thinking of you with love.

Lol monte that's a typo and a half.... dont worry... made me giggle.

Im trying so hard to stay positive but it's also just so damn boring here. So much I could do at home and if this is the end of my life or even thr last bit im strong then I dont want to waste it here.

I still have no symptoms from the cancer. A slightly dry throat in the morning and feeling a bit achy is all the chemo has physically done to me so far.

Its saturday, we are near legoland and have annual passes.. on a wet day like this we would normally throw a pack lunck and umbrellas in the car and go and play.... its very tempting right now.

Keep thinking about heading off to lego land, it might not be this saturday but it will be a saturday just like this again.

Hold on to those hopes and dreams and prayers no matter what.

I have read through your journey and I just want to wish you well. You seem very pragmatic about things and in those low times you can just know that the wave will bring you back up and you will feel better.

You know, they can't wait for you to experience symptoms of cancer before they act. It must feel like you're in some weird sci fi movie sometimes, but the fact you haven't got symptoms is a really good thing.

These thoughts of not wanting to spend your last days in that room...Do you want to look at that a bit more? Im not a therapist, but it strikes me as something other cancer patients I know of would talk to a therapist about. It is a perfectly reasonable thing to think in your circumstances, but it isn't helping you in your situation.

Just think biscuits of all the cuddles you'll get in the future from your little one. I can imagine the pain in not being able to be there now, but this sacrifice will bring huge reward to you and your family. You're a strong woman - you can cope with the crap you're getting now - not willingly maybe, but it'll be worth it in the end.

x

Hi biscuits, hospital rooms can be pretty soul destroying places. Even the knowledge that you are in the best place, with a great team of people supporting you, getting the treatment you need doesn't stop it from feeling like a prison at times.
How is the crochet blanket coming along?
The times I have been in hospital and not feeling very unwell I have found it has helped me to have a project to work on, it made me feel that I was in fact in control of something, even if it was only cross stitching. (not saying that is for everyone just that it worked for me, I am a bit of a control freak)
Wishing you a positive day today

I quite enjoy embroidery.

The weekend is here so I hope you are up to lots of visitors. Remember, you can tell them to bugger off if you don't feel up to it. Make sure they all know the rules re hand gel and sniffles!

Have a nice day - visualise blasting those cells like space invader!!

Morning Biscuits!

Sorry you're having a bad morning, but perfectly understandable.

If the consultants felt this was the end of your life or the last bit you would feel well, then they would be honest enough about that to give you choices about how to spend them. The fact you are in hospital with no symptoms is a good thing- you have been caught early, the doctors are acting quickly and we are all hoping that one rainy Saturday in the very distant future you are packing a lunch and using your annual passes with your grand kids.

The boredom and frustration are not about waiting to die, it's because you are itching to get back to your life. I would accept boredom over resignation as a very positive signal of a future beyond these four walls.

Will check in again later - maybe just to say hello rather than with any advice as it always seems so inadequate- you are a remarkable woman ( as is desert). But while I'm here I'll throw another tuppence in. Could you mess about online researching and planning a short holiday for when you do get home? You can make it as luxurious, decadent, full-on, tranquil, relaxing or simple as the fancy takes you and will pass a couple of hours- even if you all choose something completely different when you do have your next holiday x

If this was the end of the road, they would tell you, no sugar coating in my experience anyway. It's not like a daytime soap where they lie to you.

As long as they are treating you and giving you options, then they are working towards you walking out of there and getting on with your life.

And with this type if cancer I don't think you have the symptoms like you do with some others. The chemo makes yopu feel like crap though, but that's it blasting away, all guns blazing.

Hiya biscuits, sorry that it is another hard morning for you, hope that you get plenty of distractions today.

You really do have an amazing way with words, the way you can create evocative images of time with your family with just a few words.

Biscuits, it's not the end. You will fight this bastard disease and enjoy your children for many many years to come. Keep repeating that to yourself each time a negative thought enters your mind.

Hang in there darling.