Don’t know what to do

[WalterHWhite]

My DS has just told me he is trans and I’m not sure what to do. I’ve been an avid reader of the FWR boards for a while and this has blindsided me. I am gutted and don’t really know what being trans means if I’m honest. Apart from the obvious.

I don’t believe in the ideology and have strong feelings about the importance of biological sex.
He’s 18 and found it very difficult to tell me, has sworn me to secrecy (you are all I can tell) for now.

Apologies if this is disjointed. I am so upset but trying to be strong for him (pretend really). I don’t know what to do. Try and convince him it’s all nonsense, encourage a therapist or both of those?

Think I need someone to chat to about and some advice. I’m not sure I can do this. Thanks

You don't need to have had sex to know who you're attracted to.

I'd be honest with my DS. I'd tell him I didn't understand why/how it feels to be trans. But reassure him that I'll always love him and encourage him to talk to me as much as possible.

There was another poster in the same situation who posted recently
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/lgbt_children/4901457-ds-trans-i-am-gc-how-to-talk-and-avoid-conflict?page=1

As a parent who is +2 years into this (my child also told us parents after they turned 18, they're also neuro diverse). From my experience, we've tried to maintain a positive relationship with our child at the cost of our own mental health at times.

I don't believe in gender ideology, but I do believe in loving and supporting my child. So as long as that is true, my child gets to call the shots and compel me to use their new name and pronoun, they budget and spend their allowance on private hormone treatment. All against my wishes and what I think is best for them, but nevertheless....

They feel as though I don't love them enough because I'm not a true believer, but I can't change biology, reality and my own beliefs just to fit in with their misguided thinking. I am lying (by agreeing with opposite pronouns!) and accommodating as much as I can. Not a position I enjoy but I do love my child and want them to be as happy as they can be. And this is the way that they feel happier. For now.

Check out Bayswater support group for parents. Good luck to you, you're not alone in this situation OP.

It’s me @ ing again! Would you or have you turned the Wi-Fi off for this reason @Grushenka? I think I should have done that years ago. Does this sound a reasonable thing to do? A part of me feels it’s a bit spiteful but I’m not coping well at all.

That’s what I was asking. How does he know he’s any label if he’s never had sex?

Sexual orientation and so-called gender identity are totally different things. People don't only find out which sex(es) they're attracted to after having sex!

Is your son gay? Or is he a geek?

Sounds weird, but that is a key question , because these types of TIMs are very different and need different guidance.

I just thought he might be gay and not think he’s a woman. That’s all I meant.

Gay or geek? Gawd knows. He says he feels he’s a woman. He’s a computer bod though if that’s not too rude a description. Can you tell me more please?

Mermaids are super dodgy in terms of online safeguarding and protection, and some very iffy trustees (Jacob Breslow - Google is your friend.) Bayswater are far more factual.

Have you tried to tease out exactly what he thinks a woman is that a man isn't? Is it about clothes and presentation (ie he thinks there is something female about a woman, ie agrees with GC people, and is trying to be treated as a female person in some respects) or is it a personality trait that he thinks he can't have as a man?

It is very hard to find resources about AGP grooming on the internet obviously because the mainstream media don't want you to know it exists, but all the same procedures apply:

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/grooming/

https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/bullying-abuse-safety/online-mobile-safety/online-grooming/

He say he’s not being groomed and that he had tried to explain last night that this is how he has always felt. I’m such a mess. Too old and tired for this

Children don't know they're being groomed, so it's really difficult.

You know in your heart that he hasn't always felt like this. He's been brainwashed and now he thinks he should be a woman. It will be an uphill battle OP but stay strong. Monitor his internet access, phone usage, how often he goes out the house.

Stay strong now

This is why I’m posting really @popebishop so as I have questions to ask him. I know he can’t become a woman so I want to know where he’s going to take this. Where he thinks he can go with this feeling. I’m waffling now sorry

I do feel like turning the Wi-Fi off tbh. I’ve been too lax

Thanks @CowboyJoanna

your child is 18, what on earth do you think you will accomplish by turning off the WiFi and potentially their only source of support from a community they might have who understands?

id suggest reading ‘The transgender issue’ by Shon faye and educating yourself on how you can support your child, rather than coming to the worst online community to come to for support with trans issues.

most of all, respect your child who has confided the biggest secret in their lives to you, and do not breach their trust with anyone. What horrendous advice at this stage- on a day when it’s been announced hate crimes towards trans people have increased 11% in the last year. Can’t imagine why.

Being 18 with little experience of relationships does not sound like a place to be making such big decisions that would affect the rest of his life.

I wonder whether your son is just currently unsure of his identity and is wondering how he fits in within the world.

The best thing to do is to keep a dialogue going with him and to make sure you are supporting him. But I think that it is also important that you share your concerns and state that you don't think he should make any rash decisions.

Your son could be gay, or he could be attracted to wearing clothes that are usually associated with women or he could simply have the type of personality that does not relate to the idea of what a ''traditional man'' and he is trying to find is way.

Claiming the he is trans, which I assume could mean he feels like he is/wants to be a woman is a big leap for someone so young and he might end up finding his identity without going into something that extreme.

Turning his wi-fi is just silly. He will be able to access the internet anyway through friends or his phone.

Why on earth do people think being trans has absolutely anything to do with sexual attraction?

@CowboyJoanna
''t will be an uphill battle OP but stay strong. Monitor his internet access, phone usage, how often he goes out the house. ''

Don't be silly. This is not a child, this is an 18 year old, so officially an adult.

Doing what you suggest would just push him straight into pursuing what he is thinking about even harder and might get him involved with dodgy people if he ends up leaving the house for good.

I mentioned the Wi-Fi as pp had said to keep him off the internet

The bit about trans and sexual attraction was because he said he was bi and I have trouble with people who give themselves labels.

@Chuffaluffa

''Why on earth do people think being trans has absolutely anything to do with sexual attraction?''

Because the concept is currently ''fashionable'' and people who before would have thought themselves as ''effeminate''/androgyne/ or as simply enjoying wearing women's clothing (so a sexual fetish) now jump into wondering if they might be trans..

I read your opening post and checked the date as I thought I genuinely cannot remember writing this.
The date made me realise it wasn’t me as this happened to me in January and my daughter is older than your son.
It has been an incredibly difficult 9 months but ultimately I have realised my maternal love is unconditional and I have put my GC beliefs to one side to support my child. The mental health is fragile and I cannot bear the thought of them suffering so I am supportive. Luckily she is in a fabulous relationship and has been for a few years and this has given me strength. I can now use she/her and daughter in conversation.
I also recommend some books mentioned above.

it is a difficult journey and a test of unconditional love but I keep in my mind that some mothers deal with serious illnesses and death of their children and that is far far worse than what I have been facing.

Feel free to message me if you want to.

That’s beautiful.