Don’t know what to do

[WalterHWhite]

My DS has just told me he is trans and I’m not sure what to do. I’ve been an avid reader of the FWR boards for a while and this has blindsided me. I am gutted and don’t really know what being trans means if I’m honest. Apart from the obvious.

I don’t believe in the ideology and have strong feelings about the importance of biological sex.
He’s 18 and found it very difficult to tell me, has sworn me to secrecy (you are all I can tell) for now.

Apologies if this is disjointed. I am so upset but trying to be strong for him (pretend really). I don’t know what to do. Try and convince him it’s all nonsense, encourage a therapist or both of those?

Think I need someone to chat to about and some advice. I’m not sure I can do this. Thanks

Listen to episode 132 of Gender: a Wider Lense podcast.

a wider lens!

18-year-olds are fresh into adulthood, so still very vulnerable young people.

He’s a very young 18. I’ll have a look at the wider lens podcast. Thank you

I’m really grateful for your help though everyone

Sorry but it sounds like he's gay, ND and insecure rather than transgender.

WTF has Trans got mixed up in sexuality it makes it unnecessarily complicated

What fucking 18 year old wants to go camping and dance by a firepit with their Mum?

FFS the advice in this place is insane.

I think, OP, just don't panic.

"Ok, thank you for letting me know." No drama.

What will be, will be.

Just keep loving your DC.

He does to me too @FusionChefGeoff. He used the word trans which is what makes me think it’s a trend. I find it difficult to believe, knowing him as I do, that he really wants to be a woman. He’s assured me he’s not taking hormones nor is he going too yet.

@doctorinauniform - that sounds more like something I can and deal with. I think he feels relief that he’s told me. I’m feeling a bit better that he’s not taking hormones. Maybe this was his way of starting a conversation with me. I’m not sure if this has anything to do with anything but he’s my adopted son and we haven’t always been ‘in step’ with each other if that makes sense

I really can't imagine announcing to a 19 year old that I was cutting off his Internet. Please don't take any hasty decisions.

I think you've handled this brilliantly. I'm GC, my son hasn't announced this but many friends and relatives are dealing with it. I'm imagining if my son suddenly became very religious; I wouldn't want to push him away or tell him his beliefs were rubbish, and I'd think that he needed a relationship with me all the more. If it made my adult child happier and it's something they need to explore, it isn't for me to shut it down.

This is in the culture now. The wider political landscape is one thing. Your child is another.

Thanks @PermanentTemporary. You’re right about the internet. I just feel bad and wanted to do something really. I can’t go camping or any of the other suggestions nor would he come with me if I did.

No of course not.

The fact that he came to you and told you is the best thing. The people I know who've transitioned and are doing best overall have got families they can talk to.

I would still hope he'll eventually decide not to transition. It's still OK to have a GC viewpoint. But your relationship matters most.

Then you've already scaled mountains that other parents will never understand.

You've got this.

We can support, lots of us know how terrifying this feels. You know you love your child and want to do the right thing. We can listen, and empathise, and understand. I think that this is about the support that you need, not necessarily anything you need to offer your child, because you've already been loving him unconditionally.

Step back from your GC lens and just take it a step at a time WITH him, not against him. At the end of the day you can believe whatever you like about gender ideology, but this isn't ideological, it's real and living in your house. Good luck.

I've not dealt with this yet, although my ds is fairly gnc and may well identify as non-binary with friends.

A good number of his peers have got various trans-umbrella identities and he's heavily involved with the sexuality and gender soc at school. It all heavily reminds me of the fucking Scripture Union which became a "thing" at my school in the 80s, and I do think it's very much a Belief with a capital b.

My parents weren't terribly impressed with Scripture Union, but they showed an interest, were nice to my (batshit) born-again friends, and didn't ridicule anything while asking sensible questions and not compromising their own beliefs.

People with Belief are pretty resistent to argument so I think you just keep doors open as far as you can and hope they don't go too far down, or if they do that they can find their way back.

Thank you for your messages. They're really helping me. I can't really speak to anyone irl about it as he's asked me not to so this support is invaluable.

Likening it to a religion is a good one. The whole thing just makes me so angry. These poor young people are so confused. I have been so apathetic politically all my life but at the grand old age of 61, I have found this issue something I would fight for. They seem to see things as anti-trans but I have told him it's more pro-women. You'd think he'd be glad if he wants to be one. So confused.

Hi @WalterHWhite

Wanted to agree with other posters, our kids are adults (even if they're young and naive and vulnerable adults!) and cutting off their internet isn't a thing. Nor is taking them out for walks if they don't want to go Just do whatever you and DC might enjoy doing, play a game, watch a movie together - last time we visited DC we all went to the Barbie movie.

I was becoming increasingly GC myself before DC's Big Announcement. We try to stay connected over other things and not get into political debates over gender. DC has to work that out for themselves.

The medical side is more difficult to avoid with my DC, so much of the medical information is unreliable partial or simply non-existent. And young people don't think about the longer term effects, even a couple of years ahead is barely imaginable to them. I'm glad that's not an issue for your DS.

PS I love the Scripture Union comparison @ditalini - we had that at my school too!

Bloody hell. I don’t think I can cope with this. These young people go on about suicide but what are the statistics on parents topping themselves?
He’s talking hormones now, that he doesn’t feel like his name, wants to present as a woman day to day. I have tried to talk to him. Pulled everything out of the bag that I know about medical problems later in life, detransitioners but he’s not buying it. What can I do? I’m going to have to let him get on with it aren’t I? I’m so worried for him. I’ve always been an old misery so can cope with that (although things were starting to look up in the past few years with looking after my mental health more).

Please someone, say something positive about all this

How has he managed to get hold of hormones so fast? The waiting list for the gender identity clinic is years long??

Well my experience of trans is positive. I have a niece m to f and my son’s best friend is trans f to m.
Both suffered serious MH issues as teens but once they came out and lived the life they wanted to, those MH issues all but disappeared. They are both well balanced, happy and in long term relationships.

My experience is the same as Scutterbugs by the way, only positive things to say, however I’d be seriously concerned over where your child got those hormones from as you said a few days ago they weren’t taking them, and even if they were without telling you they would have had to have been seen by a doctor and the GIC to have been given them legally, which would not have happened in just a few days.

I didn’t say he had them I meant that that is the path he’s going to go down

@WalterHWhite right ok! Sorry I misunderstood. Honestly if that is the choice that they have made you only have 2 options, either accept and support them; or don’t. I know which one I would choose in a heartbeat.

It’s hard I know, but at the end of the day they’re still the child you chose to love. Nothing changes that.

What if it’s trauma related though? Autistic, adopted. He sounds like he’s been indoctrinated. Nothing he’s saying is original. It’s the same stuff all young people are saying.

I must be able to try something? He’s a very young 18 year old, socially awkward.