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This board is primarily for those whose children have LGBTQ+ parents to share their personal experiences and advice.

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This board is primarily for those whose children have LGBTQ+ parents to share their personal experiences and advice.

LGBT parents

Don’t know what to do

80 replies

WalterHWhite · 04/10/2023 22:07

My DS has just told me he is trans and I’m not sure what to do. I’ve been an avid reader of the FWR boards for a while and this has blindsided me. I am gutted and don’t really know what being trans means if I’m honest. Apart from the obvious.

I don’t believe in the ideology and have strong feelings about the importance of biological sex.
He’s 18 and found it very difficult to tell me, has sworn me to secrecy (you are all I can tell) for now.

Apologies if this is disjointed. I am so upset but trying to be strong for him (pretend really). I don’t know what to do. Try and convince him it’s all nonsense, encourage a therapist or both of those?

Think I need someone to chat to about and some advice. I’m not sure I can do this. Thanks

OP posts:

Report

IVFfirsttimer91 · 04/10/2023 22:14

The worst thing you can do is show or tell your child that you are upset about this and try to convince them it’s all ‘nonsense’. You might not ‘believe in it’ but being Transgender is a real thing, and they certainly believe it is.

What you need to do is support them, tell them you love and are proud of them, and when it comes down to it, back up their choice when it comes to a name/pronouns etc.

If you don’t you will push them away and it will cause a lifelong rift. This isn’t about you at all; and you just have to do what you’ve been doing for the last 18 years - love and support HER.

Scutterbug · 04/10/2023 22:15

IVFfirsttimer91 · 04/10/2023 22:14

The worst thing you can do is show or tell your child that you are upset about this and try to convince them it’s all ‘nonsense’. You might not ‘believe in it’ but being Transgender is a real thing, and they certainly believe it is.

What you need to do is support them, tell them you love and are proud of them, and when it comes down to it, back up their choice when it comes to a name/pronouns etc.

If you don’t you will push them away and it will cause a lifelong rift. This isn’t about you at all; and you just have to do what you’ve been doing for the last 18 years - love and support HER.

^^this

Anontocomment · 04/10/2023 22:22

What @Scutterbug said. It may be a phase, it may not - but how you react will determine any relationship you have with your Trans child from now on.

If they have sworn you to secrecy, they are still coming to terms with their sexuality and this is fine.

One way you can reassure is to say that you will learn with them and at their speed, so that you can understand and support each other.

A quick question though. Would you be this upset if they were gay/bi or is it the trans element that is so upsetting? Settling that in your mind would be a good point to start.

And good luck.

Waggytail · 04/10/2023 22:26

DON'T try to convince him it's a load of nonsense. Worst idea ever - you will just upset and alienate him. He is probably feeling very vulnerable right now and needs a good solid base of support and unconditonal love. The last thing you would want to think is he wouldn't be comfortable coming to talk to you about his feelings in fear of judgement.

WalterHWhite · 04/10/2023 22:28

It’s the trans side. Gay fine which I asked about. He claims he’s bi but how does he know? He said he hasn’t had sex yet.

I have said what you have suggested so maybe that’s a good start. He’s gone upstairs feeling a lot lighter and I’m downstairs crying.

I know it’s not all about me but I am me and am finding it hard. He did say that he understood that someone of my age might have trouble with it. Love him

OP posts:

Soontobe60 · 04/10/2023 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Soontobe60 · 04/10/2023 22:30

Oh and turn off the wifi. Has your ds always been ageist?

WalterHWhite · 04/10/2023 22:37

You’ve given me a much needed laugh @Soontobe60. That’s what I always thought I’d say. He was so serious and I do worry about taking hormones etc so I didn’t make light of it.

I’m afraid I won’t be calling him she because he’s not. That would be daft.

I am grateful to all of you answering me and have already reacted as some of you have suggested. So that’s a good start I suppose

OP posts:

FoodWineAndSun · 04/10/2023 22:37

How do you know you're straight if you haven't slept with a woman? Be there and support your child in their life, make sure the support they require is there. Seek understanding about what it is they are facing and work through it together.

IVFfirsttimer91 · 04/10/2023 22:39

I don’t know how anything is eminently more sensible than supporting and loving your child when they have done nothing wrong and have just come to you with something that means a great deal to them @Soontobe60.

@WalterHWhite just continue being supportive and loving, your child needs you to maybe not understand straight away but definitely not ignore/shun what they have told you. It sounds like you handled the conversation really well as you said they have gone upstairs feeling better. You should feel really good about that. It will be an adjustment, but it will be worthwhile to keep the relationship a happy one xx

WalterHWhite · 04/10/2023 22:40

That’s what I was asking. How does he know he’s any label if he’s never had sex?

That’s why I’m here - to try and understand.

OP posts:

Grushenka · 04/10/2023 22:42

If you want actual advice ask on the feminism sex and gender boards.

yes you can pander to it, but that’s not really being honest to him or to yourself.

listen to genspect podcast.

turn off Wi-Fi. This is internet contagious. Book camping trips, get into the forest, go fishing and dance by a fire pit. Connect with your young chap, show him you love who he is.

you can get you both through this but commit to being there with him for a while yet.

I wish you luck.

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/10/2023 22:44

It's such a difficult thing isn't it. I think what I would do is suggest as the others have said that you go Internet free for a period of say six months.

He has to know how much talk there is about all this online and how people are being influenced. I know he will not want this because there's safety in an echo chamber, but I think I would do everything in my power to make that happen.

WalterHWhite · 04/10/2023 22:44

Thanks @IVFfirsttimer91. That’s so kind as I did put my feelings to one side. Still nice to be told though. I’m just gutted. Life is hard enough as it is (he’s not nt) and I just feel that this will make things even harder for him.

OP posts:

TidyDancer · 04/10/2023 22:48

You need to be really careful about the kind of advice you listen to OP. You sound like you have a good understanding of it but you do need to be careful. You can be supportive of your DS without supporting this particular thing. It's not kind to indulge him in this when you know he can't change sex so it's a fine line.

You may have a tricky time ahead, best of luck.

IVFfirsttimer91 · 04/10/2023 22:51

@WalterHWhite Its ok!

It must be really difficult, especially as life is hard enough already. But if you think of it this way, it’s a real testiment to your relationship with your chile that they have been able to come to tell you this, it means a lot and you should be so pleased that they trust you with this.

Take each day as it comes, and learn about what it is to actually be trans. Maybe try reaching out to Mermaids which is a charity that helps transgender youth, there is a lot of information on their website and resources.

If you ever need a private chat, please feel free to PM me.

WalterHWhite · 04/10/2023 22:54

Can I ask you @TidyDancer (sorry for all the atting but I don’t know how to do it any other way) how do I be as respectful as I can of his feelings but not indulge?

I mean I want to tell him that the ideology is nonsense and dangerous but then that will alienate him? I don’t think I’m making much sense now. I think quicker that I can type

OP posts:

WalterHWhite · 04/10/2023 22:56

Mermaids? Don’t they affirm and give cross sex hormones?

OP posts:

IVFfirsttimer91 · 04/10/2023 23:05

For hormones you have to be seen by the gender identity clinic, i more meant for you to look at mermaids as a resource to understand a bit more about what it is to be trans etc

Glarptip · 04/10/2023 23:07

Are the Mermaids lot still at it?

They have a lot to answer for.

TidyDancer · 04/10/2023 23:07

Personally I would do the absolute best you could to not deviate from the dynamic you have with him. He needs to see that you're still there with him and nothing had changed. That his announcement hasn't affected how feel about him.

And go absolutely nowhere near Mermaids for advice!

Time4TERF · 04/10/2023 23:14

A lot of being "trans" is seeking positive attention.

Therefore, give him positive attention, but not over this. Praise his schoolwork, his tidy bedroom, and his kindness.

Whenever the trans things comes up, don't give him the positive response he's craving.

"I want to wear a dress mum."
"That's nice Edward. It's pasta bake for tea tonight. Can you help with the washing up?"

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WalterHWhite · 04/10/2023 23:29

I know that getting him outdoors would be best but he’s nearly 19 and I’ve spent the last few years trying to get him to be more independent and responsible for things himself. He wouldn’t want to come with me. Maybe that’s just an excuse. I’m just so gutted and tired. I feel I’ve fought for him for years with school and that and now it’s something else. I just wish even a tiny bit of me could understand. I gave up drinking a year or so ago and could really do with one now

OP posts:

MumOfYoungTransAdult · 04/10/2023 23:30

Sending you sympathy and support but no answers, because I don't have any. My own DC is also male with autism, but older than yours, and as parents our main focus has been to maintain our relationship with DC.

I personally would not go along with the secrecy for very long. Have a think about who you would like to tell or to know, and discuss with your DC. You have a right to support from people who love you and care about you, as much as your DC does.

A couple of resources that I found helpful:

The Gender - A Wider Lens podcast series from Stella O'Malley and Sasha Ayad. There are a lot of episodes now, start with a couple of the early ones and then pick and choose from the rest. There a couple of good parent Q&A episodes.

This is a really lovely piece (from the Bayswater site) by a parent on Parenting a Young Adult with Gender Dysphoria

MumOfYoungTransAdult · 04/10/2023 23:35

Congratulations on giving up drinking! Hang in there.

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