Married, in my 40s, and suddenly attracted to a woman.

[wellthisisnewandconfusing]

Who, just to make the whole confusing mess even worse, is half my age.

I've always identified as straight. All my previous relationships have been with men, and I've been with the same one for almost two decades now. We are not unhappy - we make a great team - and we have two gorgeous children. So why can't I get this woman out of my head?

I've known her for just over a year now, we've been working on a contract together, which overran because of lockdown and is now coming to an end. I just adore her. I've never felt like this about anyone - in all my previous relationships I've felt like I was the one in control, like they always wanted me more than I wanted them. This time I feel like i could just fall at her feet and worship her. Yes, I realise that's hyperbole.

I could and was ignoring it, on the grounds that why on earth would a beautiful, talented young woman be interested in me, but lately she's started to do things that make me think she is. We've been spending more time together, and she's asked if we can create an independent project together once this ones over. She said "I think we'll make something really rather spectacular together". Then on Friday we went for a drink and a bit to eat after work, and when she was leaving she kissed me. Not a snog, nothing massively inappropriate - just a press of her lips to mine. I can't stop thinking about it. About her.

I really don't know how to get over this. And I have to get over it. I can't act on it. I'm married, I would never hurt my family like that. And she deserves so much more than I can give her.

I don't know why I'm posting. Suspect I'm going to be given a hard time. But I've no one else to talk to, and I feel like I'm going mad.

[Respectabitch]

Ultimately, if you aren't going to act on this it doesn't much matter what the sex of the person you have a crush on is. You don't have to redefine your sexuality. Unless you want to.

If you are serious about putting your marriage first you need to stop spending time with her. No creating new projects together. No voluntary socialising. Change jobs if necessary. Pull way way way back and put the energy into your marriage.

[wellthisisnewandconfusing]

I know you're right. In terms of contracted hours I've only got 4.5 days to go. I just need to get through that and then try and forget her.

[Craftycorvid]

Intense attraction can be overwhelming and confusing. You really do feel you might be going mad at times. If you are able to mentally step back a bit, might it be worth being curious about why her, why now? You say your marriage is a ‘good team’ but has anything happened recently (aside from bloody Covid)? Can be anything from a milestone birthday, bereavement or simply your kids reaching a certain age. A powerful attraction is a big nudge from some unfinished business that it wants attention. Could be worth a few sessions of therapy to explore this feeling in a safe and confidential space.

[wellthisisnewandconfusing]

My career itself is a new one - once my kids were both at school, I took a sideways shift into a more creative, less well-payed line of work that would allow me to freelance and fit my hours to them.

Because it's a new line of work, we are about the same level of experience, despite being different ages. But she's amazingly good at what she does. Her talent blows me away. That was how this all started, with an intense admiration of her and everything she can do. But over time an equally intense, very physical attraction has developed along side it.

[Someone1987]

Has she ever mentioned her sexuality to you?

[DasPepe]

Could it be that this attraction stems from admiration - but also the fact that you have ‘redefined’ yourself through this new career. It is essentially a new you and the reference points (as this new person you are more on parity with your crush than before), put you more on their level in terms of shared experience.
Adding to that is the life experience you have: often more mature people feel that intimacy and attraction are not tied as closely to sex as we would like to think in our younger days.
Proximity and shared interests are strong initiators of physical attraction.
So I think you are simply experiencing a typical crush on a person you like and admire and their surprise sex is not despite your maturity but because of it.

I would ride it out - maybe try and avoid her after the project is finished and hope the crush fizzles out and could turn into a friendship?

[wellthisisnewandconfusing]

@Someone1987

Has she ever mentioned her sexuality to you?

Yes. She's bi.

[DasPepe]

I Re- read your post again.

I think you’re trying to make up your mind - but perhaps it’s already made?

Just wanted to add - don’t act on this. I’m enjoy it if you can, wait till it passes. But it sounds like a crush/infatuation and you would definitely not have a clear head now - no matter how clear it seems to you!

[wellthisisnewandconfusing]

I do know you're right @DasPepe. I have a good relationship with my husband. We have a happy family life. I've no desire to sabotage it.

It just feels like this has knocked me for six.

[berrygirlie]

Would you having a different sexuality to the one you thought you had, or her being attracted to you, affect the course of your relationship?

Truthfully I think quite a few people realise their sexualities later on in life, but it only becomes an "issue" (for lack of a better word) if that sexuality doesn't contain their partner or requires experimentation. Do you still experience attraction to men? There's every capacity that you're bisexual, or that you're a heterosexual woman who develops a crush despite gender not because of it. That might be an unpopular opinion but I think you can have exceptions to your sexuality sometimes.

Are you getting the gut feeling that you are (or are becoming) solely attracted to women? Whatever happens, there's absolutely no shame. No one on here who is reasonable will give you a hard time - you've done nothing wrong, and nothing especially different to having a crush on a college in a heterosexual manner - it's just a tad more confusing for you, I'm imagining. Either way, best of luck OP! Whatever this is, try and stay positive and keep it as a point of self discovery.

[wellthisisnewandconfusing]

I haven't felt sexually attracted to my husband for a long time tbh. I love him. He's my best friend. I can't imagine life without him.

But I don't want to shag him.

[berrygirlie]

I haven't felt sexually attracted to my husband for a long time tbh. I love him. He's my best friend. I can't imagine life without him.

But I don't want to shag him.

Ahh, see I think that could go either way. You could either be not attracted to your husband because you're not attracted to men in general, or you could be becoming infatuated with this colleague as what I call "crush escapism" of being in a LTR. Have you had any strong romantic or sexual feelings recently for other people, or gone off on the little mental daydream about what things would be like with other people?

[berrygirlie]

(prior to this colleague)

[wellthisisnewandconfusing]

No, I really haven't. I'd assumed the lack of sex drive in my relationship was down to age, or childcare responsibilities, or even my contraceptive. But I felt completely turned off by anything sexual.

[berrygirlie]

Have you ever been attracted to men sexually? Are you attracted to them now?

Sorry lots of questions and you don't have to answer them publicly, but it's great to know the motivation behind your behaviours and feelings (whether sexuality, issues in your relationship, love etc)

[Respectabitch]

It kind of seems like you want to be talked into acting on your attraction, not out of it, tbh.

[wellthisisnewandconfusing]

When I look back on my relationship history, I've mainly had sex with men because they wanted to have sex with me. I think there's been maybe 2 or 3 occasions in a sexual history of nearly 30 years that I've had sex because it's what I wanted.

Does that make sense? I wasn't raped. It was all consensual. But it wasn't an "active" choice as such.

[wellthisisnewandconfusing]

@Respectabitch

It kind of seems like you want to be talked into acting on your attraction, not out of it, tbh.

I'm sorry if it's coming across that way.

I genuinely don't want to hurt my DH and my kids. I'm just very confused.

[berrygirlie]

I get what you mean about the sex part, OP. Did you ever experience attraction to men on any level, if you compare it to the attraction you experience for this woman?

I'm bisexual and my sexuality definitely fluctuates - some days I will feel completely straight and other days I can convince myself I'm a lesbian in denial. I think most sexualities that deviate from heterosexual sometimes have a bit of self doubt. How would you feel if you divorced from your husband and set up shop with a new man? I think that's a good question to ascertain if it's your husband or blokes in general.

[joystir59]

You are coming out to yourself. You are a lesbian and I doubt if you will be able to push these emerging feelings back in the box. It is fairly common for women to come out in their 30s 40s or even later.

[berrygirlie]

What about bisexual or pansexual woman, @joystir59? I think a few more things need to be ascertained by the OP before that's stated as fact.

[wellthisisnewandconfusing]

I've definitely experienced attraction to men. But the number of men I've actually felt attracted to is less than the number I've had sex with. It's like I spent my 20s thinking if a man wanted sex I had to give it to him. Then I met my DH and I've been with him ever since.

He saved me, tbh. I was a fairly damaged individual and he gave me stability and security and the knowledge that I was loved.

He always been so good to me. I can't believe I'm even contemplating something that would hurt him.

[confusoedimezzaeta]

I understand you! There are some threads on the sex forum about this.

Looking back, I have always been attracted to women, (was often teased at school because people thought I was a lesbian and have set of many 'gaydars' as an adult. But it would have never been accepted in my family/culture so I never had more than a fling/ONS.

And I do love DH. We built a family together and are a happy unit. He is one of my best friends.

I try not to think about it, although the other lady is very keen on our friendship (although I do not know her sexuality. She is currently going through a separation though). I teach her DC and we are in daily professional contact plus daily social contact. I am trying to squash down these feelings though, for everyone's sakes!

[berrygirlie]

I've definitely experienced attraction to men. But the number of men I've actually felt attracted to is less than the number I've had sex with. It's like I spent my 20s thinking if a man wanted sex I had to give it to him. Then I met my DH and I've been with him ever since.

He saved me, tbh. I was a fairly damaged individual and he gave me stability and security and the knowledge that I was loved.

He always been so good to me. I can't believe I'm even contemplating something that would hurt him.

I have experienced EXACTLY the same thing, OP - both with the damaging sexual experiences, the "saviour" husband (not to be demeaning but that's how it feels, like he has come and saved you from yourself and your bad experiences) and the sexuality issues.
I've had a lot of sex with men I wasn't attracted to, and so usually when I'm feeling hurt or damaged by previous sexual behaviour I revert into liking women because it's safer.

Additionally, if you feel as though your husband has saved you and he's a lovely man it's easy to fall into the routine of him being a family member or parental figure to you. It's quite difficult to kindle sexual attraction when there's a bit of an imbalance in terms of him being the good person who sort of saves you from yourself (as someone in the same situation).

If you can state that you have experienced some sexual attraction to men, then I think you can put a light scoremark through being a lesbian for now. What's your gut reaction about identifying as bisexual or pansexual?

[berrygirlie]

(of course there's no requirement to identify as anything, but it does sometimes feel good to have a box to put yourself in and then you can think of the "do I or would I want to pursue this relationship with a woman?" question)