Married, in my 40s, and suddenly attracted to a woman.

[wellthisisnewandconfusing]

Who, just to make the whole confusing mess even worse, is half my age.

I've always identified as straight. All my previous relationships have been with men, and I've been with the same one for almost two decades now. We are not unhappy - we make a great team - and we have two gorgeous children. So why can't I get this woman out of my head?

I've known her for just over a year now, we've been working on a contract together, which overran because of lockdown and is now coming to an end. I just adore her. I've never felt like this about anyone - in all my previous relationships I've felt like I was the one in control, like they always wanted me more than I wanted them. This time I feel like i could just fall at her feet and worship her. Yes, I realise that's hyperbole.

I could and was ignoring it, on the grounds that why on earth would a beautiful, talented young woman be interested in me, but lately she's started to do things that make me think she is. We've been spending more time together, and she's asked if we can create an independent project together once this ones over. She said "I think we'll make something really rather spectacular together". Then on Friday we went for a drink and a bit to eat after work, and when she was leaving she kissed me. Not a snog, nothing massively inappropriate - just a press of her lips to mine. I can't stop thinking about it. About her.

I really don't know how to get over this. And I have to get over it. I can't act on it. I'm married, I would never hurt my family like that. And she deserves so much more than I can give her.

I don't know why I'm posting. Suspect I'm going to be given a hard time. But I've no one else to talk to, and I feel like I'm going mad.

[Why11]

Wondering the same!

[BlueGrey1]

Just saw this post and wondering if OP is still with her husband after all this time and managed to get the work colleague out of her head?

[Why11]

Hi,
currently going something similar except Im not sure the woman (a friend of mine) finds me attractive. She tends to get physically close to me and it messes with my head. 

I absolutely love my husband, do not wanna leave him. But I feel this urge to experience smt with a woman. Im wondering if one day I will not just ask him his permission…
our sex life isn’t great though, because of me :/ idk sex seems more and more underwhelming

[Why11]

Hi,
currently going something similar except Im not sure the woman (a friend of mine) finds me attractive. She tends to get physically close to me and it messes with my head.

I absolutely love my husband, do not wanna leave him. But I feel this urge to experience smt with a woman. Im wondering if one day I will not just ask him his permission…
our sex life isn’t great though, because of me :/ idk sex seems more and more underwhelming.

[KateTalmai]

@wellthisisnewandconfusing I'm reading this thread with much interest because I'm going to similar experiences. So I am really curious what yout current situation is. Allso to have some perspective on my own story.

[YoungYankee]

It shouldn't have to be said, but please don't cheat on your husband. Not even emotionally. You know full well it's the wrong thing to do. Sometimes your head has to rule over your heart.

[confusoedimezzaeta]

Depending on what you want to do, I would send her a Happy New Year message. It's harmless and if she chooses to continue communicating, then that is great

[wellthisisnewandconfusing]

Not totally sexless, no. He would like sex a lot more often than I would though.

[huuuuunnnndderrricks]

Do you have a sexless marriage? Does your husband mind?

[wellthisisnewandconfusing]

Finished today. Hugged (yes, I know we're not supposed to!), promised to keep in touch, and parted. She called me her princess.

We won't keep in touch, I know. At least, I'm not going to contact her, and I doubt she'll contact me. I will miss her so much, but this is for the best.

[Ingvermama]

I think I could have written this apart from the recently bit.... I have known for quite a long time that I would prefer to have a relationship with a woman, it's a specific woman and she is a very close friend who is Bi. But I love my husband, and would never want to hurt him. I think if he left me I would look for a wife!

[wellthisisnewandconfusing]

You know what one of the worst things is? I really want to confide in DH. I'm not going to, obviously, because it would hurt him. But he's the one I normally confide in when something's bothering me. It feels weird not to be to talk it over with him.

[DasPepe]

The reason I said don’t act is that I have seen a car crash caused by this first hand.
All happy, ok not so happy marriage by “glossy cover” description but working. As a family.
Then comes the out of the blue attraction and lots of “emotions”.
But at the other side, when the hormones have fizzled, there is a lot of “oh my gosh, how could I have been so stupid / naive etc” it’s terrible to watch, even if/ maybe because you can understand how it happened.

Also to your note about breaking up: family is bigger than marriage. At the end of the day what I think I would / I do feel guilt is for not spending enough ‘normal’ time with people you love. Not the super charged highs.
And I see my family life as similar: things are ok, there is no passion, but do I want passion. Judging by the recent car crash I’ve witnessed, not really. I want cuddles with kids and Christmas cheer and cosy evenings.

Good luck!

[berrygirlie]

Could you watch some porn (or visualise if you're anti-porn / any other reason) that involves women and see how it makes you feel? It's a bit tricky to experiment while within the confines of a relationship but this might be a healthy way to do it.

(there's also ethical / feminist porn out there if you object to damaging views of women and lesbians at all!)

[wellthisisnewandconfusing]

Honestly I don't know. On my first day I remember thinking "wow, you're so good at this", and continuing to be impressed by her. But the sexual attraction is newer. Maybe existed for a couple of months.

[berrygirlie]

Hmmm... It's complicated, I'll give you that.
I remember reading that crushes last up to 4 months (IIRC), have you had a crush on her since meeting her or has this blossomed quite recently? If it's more of a recent thing, I'd say keep working with her and try to keep yourself distracted (I can offer some tips if that's useful) and recalculate in a couple of months so you can get the financial benefits of working with her, but if it's just a crush it'll dissipate with time.

Does your DH know there's an issue? If he's struggling with the lack of sex, maybe there's a temporary alimony thing you could unofficially devise so you can both get a bit of freedom?

[wellthisisnewandconfusing]

But a bad move in terms of getting her out of my head.

[wellthisisnewandconfusing]

Potentially, yes. But a lot of the work is up to us to generate - which is why a project with a talented individual who's better at this stuff than I am would be a financially smart move.

[berrygirlie]

Sorry I know I give more questions than answers sometimes haha!

[berrygirlie]

Do you feel stuck in the relationship for financial / security reasons then? Hmm, it's definitely tricky. Could you start off with sharing different rooms or potentially different bits of the house and see how that feels? Is there any capacity for extra hours / promotion / side project in your work?

[wellthisisnewandconfusing]

I'm not at all financially independent. I'm on intern levels of salary.

[berrygirlie]

I feel like I'm in conversation with myself, it's quite surreal

Are you financially independent? I'd seriously be looking into a trial separation to see how you feel. I know that sounds terrifying, especially when someone has been a rock for so long, but you can still have a great relationship with your DH without the marriage or sex aspect to it. This could be the first day of the rest of your life, OP!

[Craftycorvid]

I wonder if there may be some identification with a younger part of you in her? It’s interesting that your shared new career makes you peers but you admire her work and she’s younger. I do think some therapy sessions might be helpful both to explore your feelings for this woman and your feelings for your husband.

[wellthisisnewandconfusing]

I'd...quite like the freedom? I've never been an independent adult, really. He's taken care of me most of my adult life. I'm not sure I could cope without him, but part of me would like to try.

[berrygirlie]

(ignoring the guilt / children elements. Just if it was him and you)