Married, in my 40s, and suddenly attracted to a woman.

[wellthisisnewandconfusing]

Who, just to make the whole confusing mess even worse, is half my age.

I've always identified as straight. All my previous relationships have been with men, and I've been with the same one for almost two decades now. We are not unhappy - we make a great team - and we have two gorgeous children. So why can't I get this woman out of my head?

I've known her for just over a year now, we've been working on a contract together, which overran because of lockdown and is now coming to an end. I just adore her. I've never felt like this about anyone - in all my previous relationships I've felt like I was the one in control, like they always wanted me more than I wanted them. This time I feel like i could just fall at her feet and worship her. Yes, I realise that's hyperbole.

I could and was ignoring it, on the grounds that why on earth would a beautiful, talented young woman be interested in me, but lately she's started to do things that make me think she is. We've been spending more time together, and she's asked if we can create an independent project together once this ones over. She said "I think we'll make something really rather spectacular together". Then on Friday we went for a drink and a bit to eat after work, and when she was leaving she kissed me. Not a snog, nothing massively inappropriate - just a press of her lips to mine. I can't stop thinking about it. About her.

I really don't know how to get over this. And I have to get over it. I can't act on it. I'm married, I would never hurt my family like that. And she deserves so much more than I can give her.

I don't know why I'm posting. Suspect I'm going to be given a hard time. But I've no one else to talk to, and I feel like I'm going mad.

I've no idea, @berrygirlie. I've literally once in my life felt an attraction to another woman, and that was literally seeing someone across a park, and thinking "wow..." - and oddly she had a very similar physique to the woman I'm working with.

But then I've only ever met 4 men I've had a physical attraction to. Quite honestly until I met her I'd been wondering if I was asexual.

OP, are you keen to figure out your sexuality or decide on what you should do in terms of a relationship? (.e.g break up with husband and be single, break up with husband and get with colleague, remain in relationshup with husband). Or both, or neither?

I can't get my head around leaving my husband. Our kids are so happy. You know how in bad relationships people say it's better for the kids for their parents to separate than witness a toxic relationship? Well, ours isn't like that. We laugh a lot together as a family. We rarely row. We chat. We're a happy family.

How could I break that up?

Btw, @berrygirlie, I really appreciate you spending this much time talking to me about this. It's really good to feel someone's listening.

There's no culpability in choosing to leave for the benefits of your own self discovery, OP. Think of it this way, if your children were married and in the same situation as you and having concerns about their sexuality, what would you be advising them to do? Because I don't think you'd just be saying anything along the lines of "you're breaking up the family", would you?

And similarly, it's not like all doors seal if you leave a relationship. You could potentially separate from your husband to give yourself a little breathing space to figure this stuff out, and if it didn't work out you could potentially still work on rebuilding your relationship. I wouldn't make any choices on the premise of getting together with this specific colleague, but this is cropping up now for some reason, whatever that reason may be.

No worries at all, OP! I'm happy to help out in any way I can, I've been in such a similar situation to you and I'd like to to offer some advice (if useful ) x

I'm not thinking of leaving my DH for my colleague. Apart from anything else, I'm too old for her.

I mean I personally don't think age gaps are anything to worry about (when consensual of course). Irrespective of the colleague, what's your gut feeling about leaving your DH?

(ignoring the guilt / children elements. Just if it was him and you)

I'd...quite like the freedom? I've never been an independent adult, really. He's taken care of me most of my adult life. I'm not sure I could cope without him, but part of me would like to try.

I wonder if there may be some identification with a younger part of you in her? It’s interesting that your shared new career makes you peers but you admire her work and she’s younger. I do think some therapy sessions might be helpful both to explore your feelings for this woman and your feelings for your husband.

I feel like I'm in conversation with myself, it's quite surreal

Are you financially independent? I'd seriously be looking into a trial separation to see how you feel. I know that sounds terrifying, especially when someone has been a rock for so long, but you can still have a great relationship with your DH without the marriage or sex aspect to it. This could be the first day of the rest of your life, OP!

I'm not at all financially independent. I'm on intern levels of salary.

Do you feel stuck in the relationship for financial / security reasons then? Hmm, it's definitely tricky. Could you start off with sharing different rooms or potentially different bits of the house and see how that feels? Is there any capacity for extra hours / promotion / side project in your work?

Sorry I know I give more questions than answers sometimes haha!

Potentially, yes. But a lot of the work is up to us to generate - which is why a project with a talented individual who's better at this stuff than I am would be a financially smart move.

But a bad move in terms of getting her out of my head.

Hmmm... It's complicated, I'll give you that.
I remember reading that crushes last up to 4 months (IIRC), have you had a crush on her since meeting her or has this blossomed quite recently? If it's more of a recent thing, I'd say keep working with her and try to keep yourself distracted (I can offer some tips if that's useful) and recalculate in a couple of months so you can get the financial benefits of working with her, but if it's just a crush it'll dissipate with time.

Does your DH know there's an issue? If he's struggling with the lack of sex, maybe there's a temporary alimony thing you could unofficially devise so you can both get a bit of freedom?

Honestly I don't know. On my first day I remember thinking "wow, you're so good at this", and continuing to be impressed by her. But the sexual attraction is newer. Maybe existed for a couple of months.

Could you watch some porn (or visualise if you're anti-porn / any other reason) that involves women and see how it makes you feel? It's a bit tricky to experiment while within the confines of a relationship but this might be a healthy way to do it.

(there's also ethical / feminist porn out there if you object to damaging views of women and lesbians at all!)

The reason I said don’t act is that I have seen a car crash caused by this first hand.
All happy, ok not so happy marriage by “glossy cover” description but working. As a family.
Then comes the out of the blue attraction and lots of “emotions”.
But at the other side, when the hormones have fizzled, there is a lot of “oh my gosh, how could I have been so stupid / naive etc” it’s terrible to watch, even if/ maybe because you can understand how it happened.

Also to your note about breaking up: family is bigger than marriage. At the end of the day what I think I would / I do feel guilt is for not spending enough ‘normal’ time with people you love. Not the super charged highs.
And I see my family life as similar: things are ok, there is no passion, but do I want passion. Judging by the recent car crash I’ve witnessed, not really. I want cuddles with kids and Christmas cheer and cosy evenings.

Good luck!

You know what one of the worst things is? I really want to confide in DH. I'm not going to, obviously, because it would hurt him. But he's the one I normally confide in when something's bothering me. It feels weird not to be to talk it over with him.

I think I could have written this apart from the recently bit.... I have known for quite a long time that I would prefer to have a relationship with a woman, it's a specific woman and she is a very close friend who is Bi. But I love my husband, and would never want to hurt him. I think if he left me I would look for a wife!

Finished today. Hugged (yes, I know we're not supposed to!), promised to keep in touch, and parted. She called me her princess.

We won't keep in touch, I know. At least, I'm not going to contact her, and I doubt she'll contact me. I will miss her so much, but this is for the best.

Do you have a sexless marriage? Does your husband mind?