How can I support my AroAce child amid family tension?

[UndeadPig]

My child just came out to me, saying they are AroAce. I didn't know what that meant, so I was a bit confused and didn't know what to say. I just said I support you no matter what. However, when they told my husband, he was less supportive, saying, "You simply haven't found the right person yet." My child was distraught, and now I don't know what to do. There is so much tension in the house. They refuse to see each other any more, and we can't even have a family dinner anymore. If anyone has any experience, please let me know what to do.

What’s AroAce?

Apparently, it's when you don't experience little to no romantic or sexual attraction to anyone.

I would expect it's fairly usual for children to not experience attraction, how old are they?

How old is your child? Depending on their age this could just be normal for their age.
Your DH probably is right and they just aren't old enough and haven't met the right person but if your DC has invested heavily in an identity and 'coming out' this opinion wouldn't be received well.

Maybe your dh should apologise to clear the air, but I would try not to give your child's sexuality too much attention - it's inappropriate and they might change their mmind.If they are actually asexual, what difference would it make? Like what could you do to support? I suppose you would know not to ask if they were interested/had a boy/girlfriend.
Odds are in a year they will be coming out as pansexual and transgender or something.

Really depends how old your child is...

They mean Asexual/aromantic. Which is perfectly OK. There's nothing you need to be doing. They just don't want sexual/romantic relationships.

Sounds like your child is spending too long online. Do they have real friends?

How old are they because if they’re 12 then they are just a 12 year old who doesn’t fancy someone and as is age appropriate is not sexually active or interested in sexual activity. If they’re are 25 then the answer may be different but what you can do to support is pretty limited if they are just a person who is happy without a partner and sex.

Really OP?? I’ve yet to meet the man who wants to think of his daughter dating. Seems more like the premise of an alphabet soup Reddit drama.

Sounds like most menopausal women

any child who "comes out with this" has spent too much time online and needs to be out doing "stuff".

I'm glad kids these days can find out online about asexuality. When I was a teen I was very confused as to why I wasn't attracted to anybody or want romantic relationships.

Your explanation is confusing.

Do you mean they do experience romantic or sexual attraction?

Because that's normal and doesn't need a label or coming out. Conversely not experiencing sexual or romantic attraction is also normal and doesn't need a label or coming out.

Why would someone need to 'come out' with this? I mean who cares? How does it impact anyone?

Your husband is being dismissive/ignorant and your child is overreacting. But he's the adult so can't he apologise and say he accepts her identity? It's not like you have to do anything by accepting it.

Actually I find it quite helpful to know that my DC is happy just as they are and not looking for anyone else to share their life with. I guess we all imagine futures for our DC and knowing this about my DC just helps me to imagine what theirs will be like.

Your child doesn't know what they are talking about, assuming they are actually a child/very young adult. Validating this kind of self regarding silliness in young people is never a good idea. 'Aroace' isn't an orientation, it might be a personality quirk or an attachment style or even a feature of neurodivergence but to start treating it like an immutable characteristic like being gay or bi is highly misguided.

Depends how old they are. Lots of people don’t experience sexual attraction until later. Lots only experience it very rarely and usually when they know someone well like me. Thats probably got a term as well but I’ve never much cared for it.

Or maybe they are asexual.

Really depends how old they are - if they’re quite young it’s probably fine to go “ok we love you however you are” and carry on.

Your husband was probably a bit insensible to say what he said but I would be treating it as not a big deal. Like they said they wanted to dye their hair.

Do you really need to come out and say you arent attracted to anyone at the moment. There have been many periods of this for me at diffefent life stages, I never thought to name it. It just sounds a bit immature tbh, just let her get on with it
If she had not used term aroace, and simply said she is not attracted to anyone romantically then noone would have batted an eyelid. I suspect its the use of a stupid term to explain a very normal thing that has annoyed your husband.

Its like sitting your family down and explaining to them that you are coming out as a front to back bum wiper and you want to be known as a frontbacker, noone needs to know this, it doesnt need an announcemrnt and it doesnt need a term.

When my 12 year old says she wants to join the circus or become a dolphin trainer or an astronaut, I just say “ok dear” and let her get on with it. She will have a new idea next month.

it is entirely normal for teens not to feel romantic or attracted to anyone, and it declaring themselves as Aro is a good way to avoid hassles about boyfriends/girlfriends at school, that is all good. But parents can stay out of it.

How old is dc? Was dh mocking or just being straightforward and honest?

Speak to your dh and tell him to smile and
nod rather than pooh-pooh your dc.

I would be more worried that your dc was “distraught”. Reassure your dc that it is completely normal not to feel a strong sense of sexual attraction and it really isn’t something to worry about. Dc can still have meaningful relationships in future and friendship and companionship are often the mainstay of a partnership and there are plenty of potential partners who will feel like dc . Not a life sentence for loneliness.

I remember when I was younger it was common to name-call teenage girls “frigid” if they weren’t actively dating or swooning over boys. I worried about it a lot. I’m definitely not asexual or aromantic. I just took a while to figure out what kind of guy I wanted (and it wasnt a spotty stinky fumbling young lad with an attitude problem, funny enough). My first proper boyfriend was ten years older than me!

This trend for alphabet labelling among children is nuts. How old is your child op? Don’t make a big deal out of it. Your husband is of course probably correct. Why is the child distraught? Be curious and find out more. The distraught bit is the most concerning.

Your husband's reaction was spot on.

Say 'That's nice dear'. Get your child offline. Keep them busy with hobbies.