How can I support my AroAce child amid family tension?

[UndeadPig]

My child just came out to me, saying they are AroAce. I didn't know what that meant, so I was a bit confused and didn't know what to say. I just said I support you no matter what. However, when they told my husband, he was less supportive, saying, "You simply haven't found the right person yet." My child was distraught, and now I don't know what to do. There is so much tension in the house. They refuse to see each other any more, and we can't even have a family dinner anymore. If anyone has any experience, please let me know what to do.

It's how she feels at the moment and absolutely should be respected. Yes, she might change her mind and that is fine too.

You have got to be joking. How old are they? No child can identify that they have no romantic or sexual attraction to anybody else, because they're still children ffs. Whoever facilitates and propagates this nonsense should be utterly ashamed.

I find with a lot of children, they lack identity/belonging and often like the sound of the 'cool' (made up) words affixed to such sexual preferences. They know they will be accepted by the other people in such groups and I honestly think it is all about that really; identity and belonging.

No child under 16, and even some young adults, knows they have no sexual/romantic desire towards others. Cannot believe what I am reading. And the Internet conditions them into thinking that if their parents don't jump on board to celebrate their trending sexuality, then they are bad parents and homophobes. All the while we are the only ones protecting them. The world has gone mad.

I dont see why this is a problem. She's not intending to join a convent she can change her mind at any time. Why does anybody else need to get involved? It must be the safest 'orientation' or whatever you might call it of all. So many bigoted parents on this thread.

I think you should ask your daughter why she's so bothered by her Dad's reaction. She's not planning on dating, as long as he doesn't keep asking her when she's going to start, why does it bother her?

If she says she needs to be validated by him, I think you can gently push and again ask why. It makes no practical difference to her.

Like many young people, I was very left wing in my teens, but not quite so socialist now. My Dad didn't agree with my views, but I didn't care - I loved him, we were very close, but I never expected him to agree with everything I came out with. I'm more aligned with his views now!

If your daughter can just be happy being herself, without approval or acknowledgement of other people, she would be on track to be a more self-confident person.

It took the menopause to me to start to give no fucks about anyone else's opinions, what a superpower it would have been in my teens and twenties.

Why would your child need to announce such a thing to anyone?
Who needs to know?

Your child has massively overreacted. I would say give them time and space to calm down but don't expect your husband to start nodding along with whatever daft navel-gazing guff your child pops out with. I would expect him not to deliberately bring it up, as it's clearly just going to cause trouble. I would also consider whether your child is spending too much time online and what you can do about that.

The difference being that no one cares about our "identity" 😂

My eldest (15) has identified himself as aromantic / asexual for about a year. I think my response was a bit like your husbands OP, you’re still young and you don’t need to label yourself. It hasn’t gone any further. I would say I’m GC and we’ve had some interesting debates where he can see my points sbout sports and prisons but is still very much TWAW.

Because I have seen my children’s friends go through life with ever changing labels. Over the years they have labelled themselves as asexual, gay, bi sexual and now straight! The labels are a bit silly. The truth is they were always straight as they had never entered any form of relationship! Labels aren’t healthy, just be themselves. They can decide what feels right when they are adults navigating relationships.

It's not quite the same, as this article is talking about trans teens, but I imagine the OP's child might feel a similar certainty to that described here:

x.com/prof_curiosity1/status/2046106359247077884

I think the aroace label is as close to harmless as anyone can get - no frightening irreversible medical steps on the horizon, hopefully, and some people clearly find it extremely liberating as something to acknowledge about themselves.

I'd say, be genuinely willing to listen and be supportive, and save your (and your dh's) theoretical opinions of the concept for when the child is about 35 and might look back differently - and even then there's no need to go tearing their teenage self down for no good reason.

being gay doesn't impact anyone else either, what's your point?

Telling your parents you are gay prepares them for you bringing home a same sex partner. Even then these days, they could just say 'I've a girlfriend called Lucy'.

Declaring they are 'aroace' prepares them for .. what ?

Someone's interest or otherwise in one sex or another is just one small part of them. It isn't a whole identity that needs declaring.

So why does it matter? It gives them time without pressure to find themselves.

This.

Prepares them that I was never bringing anyone home. Ever. That asking if I met someone was pointless. That being single wasn't a hardship.

That when I went for surgery for my ovarian cyst and the surgeon asked about my sexual history, there was none(My mum went with me to the appointment.)

Do you think a child under 16 or a young adult can know they're gay? Or straight?

I 100% knew i was asexual at age 13/14.

OP, you’ve started three threads about this now, then you don’t respond to anything.

Yeah but don't you dare try and pretend like the amount of kids labelling themselves with the latest trending gender/sexuality is genuine in every single case. It isn't. I thought I was bi at 14, genuinely convinced at the time. Alas, I am not. A lot of kids think they're something that they are not in regards to this.

Supporting this ideology is what leads to allowing children to get gender reassignment surgery, take hormones etc at way too early of an age, before they have even completed puberty. Then many of them regret it and want to change back, because they realise they were too young to know what the fuck was going on, even at 18/19/20, etc. I know this thread is about being asexual, but so many people talk as if every single young teen knows who they are and what they want. They do not. Supporting that notion causes such catastrophic collateral damage.

FFS OP can you see how ridiculous this is - your child is expressing a negative 'I am not xyz'. It no more needs a coming out 'party' than them telling you they think giraffes look odd or they don't like raisins. If they really want to share this shit with you you just say 'That's nice dear' and don't make a fuss - not least so that when they do find themselves fancying the pants off someone in the future (whether male or female) they don't feel the need to make a big U-turn announcement. And, for goodness sake, get a grip on their internet usage.
And if, long term, it does turn out that they are not really into sex/romance - fine, as long as they are happy let them rock on with living their life without sex/romance and just don't hassle them with constant questions like 'Do you have a girl/boyfriend'.

😂

even if your teen is just going through a phase, so what. It does absolutely no harm to treat their coming out to you with the respect it deserves.

Your husband needs to get his act together and apologize. Admit his ignorance and say he will do better.

Start using neutral language about the future. Many aroace people still want relationships, they just want them on their own terms. We use phrases with our teen like “if you decide to partner someday” and “if you decide to have children”. We had always tried to use that kind of language and to be neutral about having a “boyfriend or girlfriend” or a “husband or wife” since she was born, but we are even more careful now.

Our home is LGBT+ friendly. DD’s friends run the gamut of identities. When they were younger we helped with attending age appropriate pride events and we still show up at some family activities, but mostly dd is old enough now she doesn’t want her parents tagging along.

It’s time for both of you to make a decision. One thing my dd requested was an aroace flag for her room. I suggest buying yours one might be an olive branch. They aren’t expensive.

I mean they basically don’t want to ever be in a relationship. Not sure why your husband is being aggy about that. It’s more an absence of sexuality than an active sexuality.

Exactly. Most parents would be delighted for their child to say they don’t fancy anyone. No need for drama - from anyone. As a grown adult, the husband should know better.

A flag

That's nice dear' and don't make a fuss - not least so that when they do find themselves fancying the pants off someone in the future (whether male or female) they don't feel the need to make a big U-turn announcement.

Can you please tell me when I'm going to find myself fancying the pants off someone? I'm 48 and it's not happened yet.

I also wasn't on the internet in 1993 when I was 15 and trying to figure out what was wrong with me because I didn't fancy anyone.