How can I support my AroAce child amid family tension?

[UndeadPig]

My child just came out to me, saying they are AroAce. I didn't know what that meant, so I was a bit confused and didn't know what to say. I just said I support you no matter what. However, when they told my husband, he was less supportive, saying, "You simply haven't found the right person yet." My child was distraught, and now I don't know what to do. There is so much tension in the house. They refuse to see each other any more, and we can't even have a family dinner anymore. If anyone has any experience, please let me know what to do.

For the bedroom wall like a poster, not for outside the house.

they make small ones

Of course it's not genuine in every case...but what if it is and this young person now feels invalidated by their parent? It could be how they're feeling at this moment, and that may change in the future and it may not. Personally, i believe sexuality can be fluid, we've all read threads on here where a woman has realised she's gay in her 30s/40s. What they'll remember is having an unsupportive parent.

Sexuality and gender expression are two completely different things.

Or shoelaces.
I have at least twice seen conversations between my daughter and teenagers she hadn't met before started with "I like your shoelaces".

(I presume DD now has flag and shoelaces going spare! I don't know whether she'll bother doing anything about the stickers on her laptop.)

Shoelaces, pins, stickers. The kids collect them, trade them. Some commercial, some diy.

Yet you read slash fiction, according to your username?

I'm not sure how some who reads what is effectively written gay porn can claim a disinterest in sex.

Where did you get that from?
I assume the PP loves Slash. You know, the musician?

The problem you experienced growing up wasn't a lack of a suitable identity complete with pride flag, nor the criminalisation of your consensual sexual behaviour as gay men faced, nor the inability to marry who you love as everyone same-sex attracted faced. The problem you describe is the inappropriate sexualisation of teen girls under capitalism manifesting as pressure to perform sexual behaviours, such as claiming to fancy someone from a boy band and buy all their merch.

The solution isn't an identity and pride flag. The solution is to stop sexualising teen girls. Bachelors and spinsters have existed since forever and never needed an identity until about five minutes ago.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slash_fiction

The Venn diagram of "slash fans" and "people with youneeque sexuality or gender identities that have no basis in historical or current oppression" is pretty much a single circle.

But there's nothing in the PPs name to suggest that she's a fan of slash fiction. You made that up yourself.

Wtf!!! How toxic are you! There have always been people that have no interest in sex. Why else do you think there are still monks and nuns?

Because we have zero interest in ever actually having sex. I don't want to ever kiss any one. I don't want to hold hands.

Yes there is: slashlover.

@Ponderingwindow

Great advice.

Really there is no harm in allowing your child to express themselves and acting with respect.

I think the point is that kids learn all these unnecessary identity labels online.

Not only is there nothing wrong with not wanting sex, but most govts agree. With the notable exception of Romania's Decree 770, people disinterested in coupling up have been left alone throughout European history.

Same-sex attracted people's shared history is one of state and religious oppression. Their identity labels are born of their fight for civil liberties. There's no civil liberties fight for bachelors and spinsters, so why§ the label and pride flag?

§ It's a rhetorical question. The answer is "capitalism". Someone in China is making a killing printing all these flags and other plastic junk.

That seems to me to be like reading cake recipes when you don't like cake.

Agree with the poster who said not to over invest in this.

My DD was adamant that she identified this way. Until she met a boy.

She was just a bit slower than her peers to develop these feelings.

I would acknowledge her feelings and be non committal to the identity, without going into solution mode. IME normal developmental phases are labelled too frequently and this creates a situation where change of mind, maturity, different social circumstances, age & stage are difficult to back out of if we get too invested in the label. If the whole family wholeheartedly subscribes to the here and now, it can create shame when that changes.

But you've decided that means slash fiction.
It could just as easily mean Slash the musician. We don't actually know.

You'd think he would be pleased - no worries about getting pregnant or abused by a boyfriend. In fact, the best thing to say would be 'Oh I'm so glad, it's such a relief you won't be hanging around with boys'. The average teenager would then rebel against that pretty quickly.

It's interesting that OP hasn't answered the question, that many have asked, of how old their child actually is.

Agreed.

You don’t actually know anything about why people become monks and nuns, do you?

😂😂😂

I’d just tell your husband to apologise. Young people are very attached to their labels. As a millennial I don’t really get it, I’ve always been comfortable with allowing myself to be attracted to whomever I am, without committing to a label, but young people love it. She isn’t harming anyone by putting herself in the aro box, and clearly feels strongly about it, so why can’t your husband just tell her he believes her?

They haven’t answered anything on any of the three threads they have started on the subject 🤷🏻‍♀️

There were a multitude of reasons. Few were religious. Nuns were often trying to escape marriage. Men did it because they were younger sons with few prospects.

I agree it’s suspicious.