My daughter says she’s trans.

[Rushie123]

Please be kind. My just 13 year old has told me she is a boy. She’s not worn a dress/skirt for years and in the last year has a boys haircut and dresses like what I would call a tomboy. I was never imagining she was straight as this hasn’t come as a huge shock, but I’m struggling.
I am pretty open minded and I do believe there is a very small percentage of people born as the wrong sex, however it seems to me that nowadays a gay girl that dresses in a certain way, is strangely quite anti-men, must be trans. My daughter won’t engage in a conversation why she feels like this and I have become the enemy because I can’t fully embrace her new boys name. I’ve tried explaining this is hard for me and also tried to explain research shows affirming isn’t necessarily the best thing and that lots of people feel this way but change their mind.
She can’t see what’s the big deal, apparently I’m making it all about me and what was recently a great, close relationship is mow distant and I’m the enemy.
Not sure what my post is about but has anyone experienced this and if so how are things now.
Telling me to just ignore what she says isn’t helpful 😊 she’s strong willed and intelligent. She’s also very socialable, lots of friends (none of whom are trans, non binary etc)

I’m so afraid if I don’t embrace this, our relationship will break down. I read many things that the trans community is very black and white.
Thanks for reading if you’ve got this far!

Sending you my best wishes and support 💐

This sounds so hard, for all of you. One I’ve tried to work out how I would respond to should it come up with one of mine when they are older

I don’t know what to suggest for the best. I’m torn, because on the one hand you are also definitely entitled to your opinion and to share evidence which supports that, as you have done. On the other hand, like you, I would be terrified of anything damaging my bond and relationship with my child. It is really difficult.

Overall, just wanted to say that being a mum is hard, and our children present us with so many moral dilemmas. It’s constant. This is a huge one, and I am sorry you have so much to think and worry about with finding a way through this. I hope you have others around you to listen and support you.

Use the name she prefers, it is a small thing that sounds like it will men a lot to her. Just be grateful she isn’t asking for a surgery or hormone blockers.

This. Honestly this. Mumsnet isn’t the best place to get support for trans kids but I can tell you it’s as simple as choosing to support your child or not. If you don’t you will lose them. If you do you will help them and perhaps have some input into how things progress. Pushing them away as teens, regardless of the issue/reason rarely works. Ultimately I want my children to be happy. Do I want them to be trans? Of course not. Will I support them and be that person in their corner? Every single day.

My son told me he was a girl at 9, ASD and gay. This was before it was widespread, I won't go into details but he spent years on the clinic wait list while we behaved pretty normally. He wore what he wanted, did what he wanted, didn't change name or pronouns because it wasn't a thing and continued as a boy in any area split by sex. By 12 he was what would be described as a gender non conforming boy but he rejects that label, he's a boy who wears and does what he wants to, he doesn't believe anyone can be born in the wrong body either but is respectful of those who do.

So my best advice is to listen but don't affirm or debate. It's either attention seeking or feeling out of place, both are resolved with love, time and self acceptance.

You'll be hammered on here by many who don't believe in trans. Just be ready for the onslaught.

I would say, maintaining your good relationship with your child is the key most important thing at this point. Because if you lose that, you will be shut out of their decision making and then you won't know what influences they're under.

Sending you best wishes and a virtual hug. X

Well she isn't a boy but you can humour her with the name and the clothing is neither here nor there.

I wouldn’t ignore it…. But I wouldn’t embrace it or encourage it either.
I would get yourself a copy of “Irreversible damage” by Abigail Shrier as that is specifically about how damaging this cult is for young girls/women. Maybe leave it lying about once you’ve read it……
And look at websites like Transgender trend and Bayswater support as they are a marvellous source of information. There is also an excellent fb group called Parents of transgender children.

Sorry to say I have to agree with your son here, he’s telling you how he feels and who he is and you have seen to your own feelings first rather than his which will feel like a rejection. This is huge for him, please just have his back in a difficult world. So what if it’s not forever, he / she / they will always remember how you did or didn’t support them in this moment.
see to your own feelings and needs by talking with a supportive friend or partner, that’s yours to work out in your own time, not for your son to carry right now.
good luck, you can get back to where you guys were I’m sure xx

The best people to talk to are probably
https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/ . It’s a support group for parents whose kids identify as trans.

Affirmation (eg using a boys name for her) isn’t a neutral act. I would refuse if it was my daughter, as it can only lead in one direction.

I believe that some people experience gender dysphoria, but no one is born as the wrong sex (how would that even happen, what goes wrong exactly?).

We don’t affirm people with anorexia who think they are fat, or people who think they are Napoleon, no matter how much the person may want us to.

I wouldn't use the new name she has chosen. "Affirming" her will do far more hard than good. Just nod your head and move on "that's nice love, would you like pizza for tea?".

Try reframing your thinking like this -if your child was anorexic and was convinced they were fat etc you wouldn’t encourage or accept that thinking. You would do all you can to get them back to health eating and healthy thought patterns. Anyone who encouraged “pro ani” type thinking you would I’m sure steer your child away from and would consider their views abusive.

When I was younger (I’m 45 now) I thought I wanted to be a boy . My fabulous Mum didn’t blink an eyelid and instead spoke about all the strong and inspiring women in our lives . She asked me if there were any I wanted to be like - could boys do anything girls couldn’t ? Of course I couldn’t think of anything . It really helped

Read Time to Think by Hannah Barnes. No one can change sex

Echo the posters who have suggested to get in touch with the Bayswater support group. They are very helpful and supportive.

But names are just names. Obviously agreeing that an anorexic person is fat could have serious, dangerous consequences. Agreeing to call someone different will not. I agree with previous posters: you don’t have to encourage / agree with surgery/drugs but is there really any harm in trying out the new name while giving them space to find themselves? Mumsnetters are so weird about gender dysphoria. I agree the most important thing is to stay in your child’s corner.

She has a daughter, not a son. A gender non-conforming lesbian daughter. Not a son. Not a he.

@Rushie123its probably best to listen and acknowledge your daughters feelings, and not be confrontational or dismissive. That said, clothes, hairstyles and a traditionally masc name won’t make her change sex. Most names are unisex now, everything from Jamie to Elliot, Sam, Steve/Steph, Billy/Billie, etc. If she likes her new name better, and it’s not a huge problem for you then by all means use it, but don’t affirm any delusion that she’s a boy ‘in the wrong body’.

Sex is biology, and gender is a social construct. Sex doesn’t change, no matter what clothes, names, or hair styles we adopt.

I’d tell her she can have some new clothes and have her hair however she wants to have her hair.

Maybe if she’s really pushing you on the name change issue you can change your name too. Instead of Mum or whatever she calls you, you can be called something else. Hopefully she can completely embrace that and be supportive.

I’ve not been through this yet but am anticipating it so mostly here for the advice from others.

But my approach has always been to listen without judgement and not make any of what they are dealing with seem exceptional without trivialising it. So them knowing that it’s really common and normal and not feel totally at ease with their gender at this age. That there’s no “wrong” way to be male or female and it’s ok to question.

right now this child feels he is a boy, denying someone their own reality is gaslighting and cruel in my opinion.

support your son

You're confused, OP has a daughter.

Support your daughter. Previous posters have linked to organisations who can help guide you both through what is, in the vast vast majority of cases, nothing more than a phase that many young teens go through as they navigate a tricky time in their lives. Remind her that she is a brilliant young woman who can live her life in many different ways as women do, and encourage her to look outwards to more interesting things in her life. Bayswater and the others linked upthread will advise you.

OP refers to her child as her daughter- can we respect that please?
Some good mentions re support organisations and books to read.

Agree I hope pp can do this.