My daughter says she’s trans.

[Rushie123]

Please be kind. My just 13 year old has told me she is a boy. She’s not worn a dress/skirt for years and in the last year has a boys haircut and dresses like what I would call a tomboy. I was never imagining she was straight as this hasn’t come as a huge shock, but I’m struggling.
I am pretty open minded and I do believe there is a very small percentage of people born as the wrong sex, however it seems to me that nowadays a gay girl that dresses in a certain way, is strangely quite anti-men, must be trans. My daughter won’t engage in a conversation why she feels like this and I have become the enemy because I can’t fully embrace her new boys name. I’ve tried explaining this is hard for me and also tried to explain research shows affirming isn’t necessarily the best thing and that lots of people feel this way but change their mind.
She can’t see what’s the big deal, apparently I’m making it all about me and what was recently a great, close relationship is mow distant and I’m the enemy.
Not sure what my post is about but has anyone experienced this and if so how are things now.
Telling me to just ignore what she says isn’t helpful 😊 she’s strong willed and intelligent. She’s also very socialable, lots of friends (none of whom are trans, non binary etc)

I’m so afraid if I don’t embrace this, our relationship will break down. I read many things that the trans community is very black and white.
Thanks for reading if you’ve got this far!

I would accept that for the moment this is how they feel and as long as they aren't asking you to support any permanent life altering decisions I would aim to meet them where they are, not where you would hope for them to be.

OP my young person, born male, has been using a female name and wearing a padded bra for the last 18 months. I was aware of the dysphoria many years earlier and neither confirmed nor denied them, I thought the problem had gone away.

All I can tell you is that my trans daughter is exactly the same person as my son was, only happier, more confident. We use the new name (it took me six months to do so) and try to remember with pronouns. I haven't lost them. They are still themself but packaged slightly differently. My doctor said "sometimes as a parent you have to make decisions based on love, not on fear". I was so frightened of the changes and losing that little boy.

We did agree that nothing permanent would be done until we had spoken with an expert. DC is on a waiting list.

The "gloriously unready" podcasts helped me a lot.

I wouldn’t even get into any debate about “trans” or being a boy tbh. I’d focus on the fact that whatever sex you are, you can wear what you want, have your hair how you want and partake in whatever hobbies you wish.

When I was younger than 13 (probably since a v young age) I desperately wanted to be a boy. I played with all the boys in the street, had my hair cut short, never wore dresses/skirts. I cried when my dm took me to get a training bra at 12 and used to take it off when I got to school and hide it in my bag. I even used to pretend to be a boy if I met new kids on holiday etc.

Fortunately for me, trans wasn’t a thing back then, and If it was I didn’t know about it. If someone had told me I’d probably been born in the wrong body and could take some hormones to make me a boy I’d have been all over it. Instead I grew up, and grew out of it. I’m still not “feminine” and never wear dresses or skirts, but I got married/had kids and realise it was just a phase I went through.

I'm sorry you feel like this. But in the end, what most of us want as parents is for our child to be happy. I'm sure you are no different.

When my child told me they were gay 35 years ago, we didn't enter into a debate on sexual preferences. What society deemed right or wrong.

Gay was something they felt they were. I knew they'd got a hard road to go down, given public opinion at the time. But I couldn't see a reason why they shouldn't walk that road if that was the way they felt. And I also knew my support could make it easier (if I gave it) or harder (if I withdrew it).

So I willingly gave my support.

These days, no body turns a hair at them being gay. 35 years ago, it was different.

My experience tells me that supporting your child, not bending to society's whims, is the way to go.

And I am aware that the previous sentence can be taken either way. You decide which way it's intended.

Yes we want our children to be happy, of course we do. My adult son identifies now, as a woman. He’s taking hormones and planning goodness knows what else to do with his body. Is he happy? God no, he presents as permanently stressed and miserable.

It’s a massive mistake to think that they will be happy if only they can change sex. Fundamentally, they are struggling with demons making their lives a misery. Changing sex doesn’t address this.

My daughter started out as non binary, then said she was actually a boy and she lied about being non binary because she knew I wouldn't accept it. This went on for over 2 years. We switched to not using any pronouns at all where possible because I found it nearly impossible to call my daughter "they" or "he". She can dress however she wants and got her hair cut short fairly recently (which i think was actually a shock to her because she was in tears and hated it at first).

Then, out of the blue she now says she's not trans anymore. Imagine if we had gone full steam ahead with changing pronouns at school etc and doctors appointments with a view to puberty blockers and hormones (in the US so this is a possibility here). It wouldnt be so easy to go back. I'm still not sure that this issue is fully resolved, its early days but I'm hopeful that we are starting to come through the other side of all this angst which honestly has been awful for our family. She is 14 BTW.

denying someone their own reality is gaslighting and cruel in my opinion.

OP, please do not listen to this kind of awful 'advice'.

Every single person trained in MH support will tell you otherwise. You do not affirm patients with psychosis, anxiety, depression or any MH diagnosed or undiagnosed issues.

You listen with respect. You do not affirm.

It's a very difficult position for you, I understand you don't want to risk pushing her away. I think it's very important to try and have open conversations as to the real reasons she is feeling the way she is now to help her navigate this challenging period. This may need professional help in due course if she doesn't want to open up to you/family members. Do not go with what she considers to be true because this is what is surface levrl and readily available for her with all the media nonsense. It's highly unlikely this is what's truly happening for her and affirming this is likely to cause long term damage to her, far worse than doing the opposite. 💐 for you. I'd never want to be in your or her shoes, it's tough.

Massive handhold. Our daughter is doing the same. We did what some are advising on here, and the school advised us - go along with new name, see a counselor. Behind our back, The school and counsellor was affirming. The school said they didn’t need to tell us she was changing her name and being trans as she was older than 12. Please take this seriously. Read the books suggested, speak to bayswater.

edited because spell checker turned trans into transphobic.

My son went through this at a similar age. We did nothing other than assure him that we loved him whatever he wanted to wear and however he was feeling. We then called him “darling”/“babe”/“turnip” (nickname) and avoided using his name. I didn’t once use a female name (his name has a female version anyway which was helpful). We didn’t really need to use pronouns in front of him because you don’t when you are talking to someone about themselves, you use “you”.

He wore what he wanted at home. He wore normal school uniform at school (significant number of the girls wear trousers anyway).

we cut off his internet access other than specified sites. No phones upstairs. Evenings spent downstairs with us watching tv together or playing board games. Homework done at kitchen table. Screen time on during school hours.

He rapidly grew out of it once he was no longer immersed in crap on the internet. He is now very firmly a man (bisexual) even though he’s now at university and has been surrounded by it much more than we would have preferred given the history. I was worried in year 1 when he was put into a flat with a trans person but other than a brief flirtation with eyeliner which seems to be more 1980s New Romantic than anything else, he seems to be very settled in his own identity.
edited to add that my son is asd and has adhd

And this is exactly why we shouldn’t go ahead both barrels with this kind of thing. Give them space, let them explore the concept, but stay rooted in reality.

Professionals from all areas, support and affirm. I spoke to my GP, as I was struggling. She said she doesn’t understand the trans thing at all but she would support any of her patients identifying as trans. I don’t understand this attitude at all. It’s like the emperor’s new clothes, or the elephant in the room. No one dare mention the possibility that identifying as trans might be something else.

I doubt if that GP has given any thought to the untold suffering of a family unable to get any kind of independent care for their trans family member. Affirming someone in an identity does nothing to address their underlying mental health conditions. GPs like this are doing harm, even if it is unintentional.

From my experience affirmation is the usual approach. It’s as if they are scared of being labelled as transphobic.

Hi, Looking for Mums in Scotland

I'm a Mum of a son who has a trans identity and after many conversations and attending conferences around "gender medicine", listening to all sides of the argument. I'm not buying it. He's likely autistic, history of bullying, his school was an LGBTQIA+ "charter" body and he's had bad contacts online - he's not gay. While trans adults exist, there is always a back story and I'm really concerned at the way this is being taught in schools. I and another Mum are looking to set up a Scottish organisation to help every school in Scotland with better guidance on gender and sex ed. Scottish schools can still socially transition kids in Scotland without parental consent or even informing parents Are there any other Mums on here who are concerned and could help?

This

its not for you to chose whether you “bless” it or not - it already is

you will damage your relationship irreversibly - like poster says get your support elsewhere

What underlying mental health conditions?

im with the GP

Of course the counsellor was affirming

jesus..it would be conversion therapy otherwise which is unethical and outlawed

You cannot be quite as stupid as you sound.

I'm 60. I wanted to be a boy and to be called Colin when I was 10ish. I had 2 brothers and the rules that applied to them didn't apply to me( mine were far more restricting because I was a girl). It was a phase which my parents entirely ignored( my father was a Principal Childrens Ed Pysch). I'm now, and have been for many years a very feminine , twice married ( to men) mum of 2 , granny of 2. There was no concept of trans ideology in the 70s so my boy phase thankfully came and went.

I'm not in Scotland, but sympathising from afar. Best of luck. 💐

Thank you

Do your teenage children never say or do things then later change their minds completely? I certainly did, and so did my children as teenagers. Instant affirmation would only have strengthened what might have been a temporary phase and made it very, very difficult for them to ever admit they’d changed their minds.

Why would anyone object to a counsellor being neutral and encouraging the teenager to look at all possibilities? If they would 100% definitely be better off trans they can still make that decision after considering all the possibilities, and no harm is done. If it is not definite that being trans would improve their life permanently, it is certainly better that they aren’t encouraged into it. You can call that neutrality "conversion therapy" if you really want to, but anyone with any sense can see it isn’t.

Having unfortunately been through this, I absolutely agree that the most important thing is your relationship with your daughter. The biggest danger is that the trans narrative encourages young people not to trust their parents, calling them transphobic and abusive when the vast majority just want to protect their child from self harm.

Keeping a good relationship doesn't have to mean affirming. As shown in Cass, social transition is not neutral so try to give as little ground as possible on the name/pronouns front. Try not get into arguments about the issue. If necessary try to avoid using names/pronouns at all. Try to focus on other things, enjoy life together. Restrict Internet use as much as possible and try to keep her busy with real-life pursuits. Do everything you can to avoid the use of breast binders (a battle we lost when a 'friend' bought her one).

We had a hard few years between 14 and 18 but have more or less come out the other side now at 19. She still calls herself non binary but wears mostly female clothing, long hair, allows us to use her real name, call her daughter/sister. She's studying in a predominantly female field and refers to 'other girls' ie accepting of her female state. She wears bras sometimes and binders sometimes and I bite my tongue to not tell her to stop with the binders. She has ADHD and possibly autism and is in some ways quite young for her age.

She's keen to have children in the future, something I see as a huge plus in discouraging her from seeking any medical 'treatment'. But I still live in fear that she will make terrible life-changing decisions and I won't be able to stop her. We are supporting her financially which is our only leverage. Make the most of the control you can still have at 13.

Lying to someone and agreeing untruths with them is far more damaging and ultimately cruel because it is promising something that can never happen, and agreeing with her could make it harder for her to accept and admit she is wrong as she matures.

She is a girl. she will become a woman. She will never be a boy. Cutting her hair/ wearing “boy” clothes is one thing ,those are personal choices , but changing pronouns/ names and expecting other people to collude with her choice to cosplay being a boy is another.

This is a child who needs her true identity confirmed, she needs to know that being a girl is fine, and also that being anxious about being a girl is something many girls feel as they go into puberty and realise that the world is set up for girls to be judged, harassed, name called, criticised and blamed for being female.

From a young girls point of view it must seem a lot easier to be a boy ( and yes, I am aware that boys growing into puberty have their own issues, but young girls are unlikely to realise that), being able to hide your developing body in loose baggy clothes seems like good camouflage when you realise that other people constantly comment negatively and inappropriately about female bodies, including your own.