My daughter says she’s trans.

[Rushie123]

Please be kind. My just 13 year old has told me she is a boy. She’s not worn a dress/skirt for years and in the last year has a boys haircut and dresses like what I would call a tomboy. I was never imagining she was straight as this hasn’t come as a huge shock, but I’m struggling.
I am pretty open minded and I do believe there is a very small percentage of people born as the wrong sex, however it seems to me that nowadays a gay girl that dresses in a certain way, is strangely quite anti-men, must be trans. My daughter won’t engage in a conversation why she feels like this and I have become the enemy because I can’t fully embrace her new boys name. I’ve tried explaining this is hard for me and also tried to explain research shows affirming isn’t necessarily the best thing and that lots of people feel this way but change their mind.
She can’t see what’s the big deal, apparently I’m making it all about me and what was recently a great, close relationship is mow distant and I’m the enemy.
Not sure what my post is about but has anyone experienced this and if so how are things now.
Telling me to just ignore what she says isn’t helpful 😊 she’s strong willed and intelligent. She’s also very socialable, lots of friends (none of whom are trans, non binary etc)

I’m so afraid if I don’t embrace this, our relationship will break down. I read many things that the trans community is very black and white.
Thanks for reading if you’ve got this far!

Go along with it. You don’t have to really believe that she’s male, of course you know she isn’t, but just support her in a neutral way - calling her by whatever pronouns she wants to go with.
The worst thing would be to lose your relationship
with your daughter, and it’s clearly a very heated subject. You don’t have to encourage it or even give it very much air time.
Go along with it, like when old people with dementia think it 1970 and everyone just nods and smiles.

Seems pretty gas lighty to agree that a girl is a boy when it's patently untrue.

If this child was adamant they were an alien, or a mermaid, would you go along with it? No. Because it’s blatantly untrue no matter how much the child claims it is. Children believe in Santa, the tooth fairy, etc. some fantasies are harmless, but any fantasy that could result in harm shouldn’t be encouraged. That’s not gaslighting, it’s proper parenting.

Sorry you are going through this. I second contacting Bayswater support group.

I’ve been through this. I accepted a name change (in 2022 hence my user name) as the original name really didn’t suit and the distress was so deep and real. I use gender neutral terminology when within earshot or avoid pronouns altogether. I initially tried to argue my child out of this but it’s a cult so that doesn’t work. We now do not discuss the topic and focus on our shared interests to maintain the relationship.

My child has multiple mental health issues - autism, ADHD, depression, anxiety, disordered eating and body dysmorphia so the ‘I’m really a boy’ rhetoric helps her with an explanation for all that. Also despite being 20 she’s sticking with being a boy and not a man. She is scared to grow up. So much going on for my confused child.

Nonsense. There is only reality. If I chose my reality I would be moving into Buckingham Palace to be waited on hand and foot. A daughter can never change to a son.

I would look up sex matters op and get her into therapy. Most of the girls I see who think they are trans have other stuff going on like mental illness, neurodivergence or trauma.

Tell your daughter that she can dress how she wants, have her hair cut how she would like but make it plain that changing sex just doesn't happen. I've worn men's jeans every day for the last 56 years ( yes I'm that old). I'm still female, clothes are a product of culture and the age we live in, so that stereotype is meaningless. And I wouldn't be calling her by a, male name. Once she starts going down that route it often leads wanting hormones etc. And I think she needs to understand that cross sex hormones ruin the body.

OP, I have a son, slightly older but still immature, who announced that he was a woman. Since then he has been wearing dresses and prosthetic breasts and going by a different name at university. Without going into too much detail, he is neurodivergent and was bullied pretty much all of his school life. I can totally understand why he would not want to be himself and why he has fabricated this new persona. People are nicer to him when he is dressed as a woman.
As a family, we have followed the advice in the Cass report, which is to take a watchful waiting approach and that affirming is not a neutral act - this includes changing names and pronouns. Obviously, we have no control over this, but we can control our own responses and we try hard not to use any name or pronouns where possible so as not to aggravate him.
What has become increasingly clear to me Is that when all the cheerleaders have fallen by the wayside-grown-up, got jobs, had their own families et cetera we, as parents, will be left caring for these poor ND kids who have been lied to by healthcare professionals who have not had the courage to follow the advice in The Cass Report. I understand their fear of being branded transphobia or being targeted by activists but I still think they need to show more responsibility towards neurodivergent young people.

We have managed to maintain a relationship with our son despite being non-affirming. This has been really hard. An easier path is to affirm, but the pressure on these kids once they go to university to take hormones, et cetera is immense so it is really important that you are a constant.

Thats really not true. If you use a different name (in day to day life, online) even very unofficially, switching back is not easy. And sometimes...... when people find out the name they've known you by isnt actually your real name, they get uppity and snippy.
Its a minefield in allsorts of other ways as I know from personal experience.
And thats without the addition of "I was born a girl, decided I was a boy but now Ive realised actually I am and always was a girl". Its really hard fitting back into the "other" version of yourself - made even harder by the trans"community" and allies who will have been very accepting when a person announces they are trans but usually very hateful and rejecting when a person decides to transition back again. Not an easy thing at all - even if its "just" changing a name.
Many MNetters are "weird about gender dysphoria" because we've read books, listened to podcasts, learnt about what an abusive mess the entire concept is. Find a copy of eg Trans by Helen Joyce or Irreversible Damage by Abigail Shrier. Or listen/watch either of them on you tube.

Thank you, I am already part of this group and it's been very helpful. What actually alarmed me are the amount of parents who are estranged from their children and their relationships have broken down. Obviously I'm deperate to avoid this, and as much as I don't want to go along with her new name, it sppears the more I resost, the more she pushes further away. It's so hard.

Thank you, I'm trying and I'm pretty open minded. When I read around this these feeling can last for years - maybe forever - who knows - and by then I fear if I don't accept her views we will no longer have a relationship. I am pleased she is social, has lots of friends etc and I always tell her she can do whatever she wants and the's amazing.

I changed my name and couldn’t give a flying fuck if people get ‘uppity and snippy’ if they find out, it’s not anyone else’s business but mine.

This is it I think. Supporting her but not really believing so not to lose her. In some ways if I can bring myself to call her by her boys name - currently I try to avoid her lovely name I gave her and 'daughter' girl etc and just call or use her childhood nickname. As my good friend said last night my relationship is the most important thing at the end of the day. When i tell her shes still the same person on the inside no atter what, her arugment is, well if this is the case and you believe this, what does it matter what name you call me, which is a valid point. Thank you x

I wouldn’t get yourself wrapped up in the big debate if I was you. Take a deep breath don’t worry about what anyone else thinks and do what you feel is the right thing to support your child as they grow & need to gain independence.

I would start with honesty about how this has been difficult for you but that you accept it isn’t about you. You want them to know you love them & will stand with them and respect their rights as an individual.

it’s ok to draw the line at anything that might be physically harmful in the same way you would tattoo or piercing until they’re older and can consent to things themselves.

if they changed their name because they didn’t like it or felt like a Jane instead of a Janet it wouldn’t feel like such a big deal.

there will be many more relationship challenges to come I am sure so show them you can face these together even if it’s difficult to understand how the other feels.

Edited for spelling

I do the same with the gener neutral terminolgy. It sounds like you have navigated this in the best way you can, and you still have a relationship which is ultimately is the most important thing.
Those people who have not experienced this and just say 'that's nice dear, what do you want for dinner' have no idea. If it was that easy we would all be doing that... Aside from no contact with her father (which is a whole other matter and is defintely something that she needs to work through) she is a happy, outgoing child with lots of friends and for that I'm very grateful - I wish you all the best with your child' It sounds like you're doing amazingly well xx

I've been recommended irrevsible damage a few times, so will read this

She isn’t OP’s "son".

Immediate affirmation of what might otherwise be a passing phase would make it very hard for OP's daughter to row back, if she were to think in a year or two's time that she might have been mistaken.

Teenagers are not known for their logic and consistency.

I'm sorry you are also going through this, and it sounds like you are much further int this minefield than I am. It also sounds like you have managed to maintain a relationship which is great. I have heard this about university and although we are a few years away, it is a real worry. As teenagers/young adults most of us tried new things, had different ideas of who we are, but this is so much more and the lasting effects more damaging. The trans community appears so black and white and it seems your transphobic if you even dare to question anything.

Your comment about being contant really resonates and this is what I need to keep in mind when things are hard. Good luck with everything - this is not a path any of us would choose x

Do you mind me asking if you identify as trans or was it a completely different reason?

Thank you, wise words. x

Absolutely this. Friends went through this with their very neurodivergent daughter. She’s now 20 and is gay in a good relationship. She admitted that she didn’t understand what was happening to her body during puberty due to her autism and saw the trans route as an escape to have breast surgery.
It was a v difficult time for everyone but the parents refused to acknowledge her wish to change sex - even though the school did. Stuck to this until she was an adult at which point she admitted that she didn’t think she was a ‘boy’.

For those people saying we wouldn't affirm anorexia - and I see this a lot - of course we wouldn't, however if my child had anorexia of course I would try and help them through this, which is exactly what I'm doing.

The parent of an anorexic child might have to make allowances they never imagined they would and rethink their attitude towards food, meal times, body image, discussions at home etc to help and support their child. It might mean agreeing to thing they're not really on board with food wise, to help and support their child.
Which is what we/I are trying to do - if I was totally on board I wouldn't be posting here and reading replies from other parents in simialr situations, they feel the same.

How did their daughter react to her parents not calling her her boys name? I have made my feelings very clear on binding, using the medical issues rather than emotional reasons, which has been easier, but the boys name is one I'm not confortable with. The name she has chosen can be shortend which is very gender neutral - think Charlie - which I have asked if she would accept. I am hoping my daughter will also accept she's just gay and not trans...

There was quite a lot of push back but they stuck firm. The amount of on line sites pushing for her to ‘divorce’ her parents and get medical trans interventions was astonishing. Her parents knew she was very neurodiverse and struggling with adolescence changes to her body. She also struggled to make friends at school and thought she would be accepted better as a trans boy.

The parents were absolutely right - they just kept pushing the time line until she was older. Now she’s happily gay with a gf and working as a coder.

Excellent post.

Some years ago there was a news story about a British teen who went on holiday to Turkey and had a holiday romance with a young Turkish man. Her parents allowed her to stay and marry him. (, I think she might have been below the age of consent in the UK). Because they wanted her to be happy. Lots of people said things like ' if she wanted to jump off a cliff would you let her?' The point was if they really were in love and had a future together waiting a few years would not have harmed either. And my point is the same here, letting the child mature, grow up but not assisting them in perhaps doing something with the potential of life long problems is a better choice.