My daughter says she’s trans.

[Rushie123]

Please be kind. My just 13 year old has told me she is a boy. She’s not worn a dress/skirt for years and in the last year has a boys haircut and dresses like what I would call a tomboy. I was never imagining she was straight as this hasn’t come as a huge shock, but I’m struggling.
I am pretty open minded and I do believe there is a very small percentage of people born as the wrong sex, however it seems to me that nowadays a gay girl that dresses in a certain way, is strangely quite anti-men, must be trans. My daughter won’t engage in a conversation why she feels like this and I have become the enemy because I can’t fully embrace her new boys name. I’ve tried explaining this is hard for me and also tried to explain research shows affirming isn’t necessarily the best thing and that lots of people feel this way but change their mind.
She can’t see what’s the big deal, apparently I’m making it all about me and what was recently a great, close relationship is mow distant and I’m the enemy.
Not sure what my post is about but has anyone experienced this and if so how are things now.
Telling me to just ignore what she says isn’t helpful 😊 she’s strong willed and intelligent. She’s also very socialable, lots of friends (none of whom are trans, non binary etc)

I’m so afraid if I don’t embrace this, our relationship will break down. I read many things that the trans community is very black and white.
Thanks for reading if you’ve got this far!

My adult son has identified as a woman for three years now, so I understand a bit of what you’re going through @Rushie123 .

I still can’t get my head around it. There’s no easy way to navigate this. I found an online group that helped me and one of its members mentored me. She was in a similar situation to me. I’ve found the whole situation very stressful and upsetting.

If you do try and find online support, be careful. The groups vary considerably in their views. Views on the trans scene are polarised. The group I joined was specifically for parents of adult males and was very supportive of the parent’s challenges. Some groups are really in favour of you completely accepting that your child can change sex and will criticise you if you’re struggling.

Yes. 100% agree. I read that and wanted to reply but then couldn’t see it.

It’s so hard and the more I read about this, the more it becomes apparent that a huge number of teens do not just ‘grow out of it’ within a few months, or it’s a ‘just a phase’ and it continues into young adulthood (I don’t know whether this changes) as they get older.

Yes and I agree. I’m certainly not affirming anything medical and I also understand this isn’t only about medical issues but psychological ones.

However I am inclined to agree with @averychoc and @NewYearss approach even if I’m not entirely comfortable with it.

x

I can totally empathise with everything that you have said and can only comment based on my experience, for the first 20 years of their life my youngest struggled, they explained it as having no real sense of who they were, they always felt different and could not find the words to express why.
We always knew from an early age that they were gay, they spent a lot of their teens self-harming and we struggled to help them get help (aside from being offered sleeping tablets and antidepressants). I had no experience other than wanting to get help for my child, I even reached out to children’s services who could only suggest contacting our GP.
They then spent the next 10 years or so trying to conform to the gender they were assigned at birth and trying to be feminine, this came with its own set of issues and they then began to experience dysphoria which was distressing and they started to use a binder which gave some emotional relief but physical discomfort.
I worried so much about the conversation that I thought this would lead to, that they were going to tell me that they were trans, I first raised the subject about sex and gender but they were adamant that they were not trans, they didn’t feel that they were either gender.
It was a chance conversation that led us to a book called ‘in their shoes’ by Jamie Windlust and lots of counselling for them to realise that their feelings were valid and real.
At the age of 28 they told us that they were non-binary and were officially diagnosed with gender dysphoria, we almost lost them to suicide before this, they have changed their name to a gender neutral name (this hurt me beyond words as it was a special name that we chose, but we didn’t share that hurt).
Now at 35 they are at peace and happy and most importantly are still in our lives and is healthy.
It was so hard for us, you have all these hopes and dreams for your child but we listened without judgment and hand-held when required, we love our child and it’s so important that you continue to maintain that mother child bond regardless of how you are feeling. You can do this carefully without embracing it, just understand that her feelings at the moment are valid and very real to her, 13 is such a hard age, so many pressures, feelings and hormones to navigate.
I know my ‘story’ is slightly different to yours but as a parent we have the same feelings of wanting our kids to be happy and feel loved but sometimes it can all go to shit very quickly and can get a bit overwhelming. 💐

You are their safe place, they are telling you they are a boy, they don’t need the burden of your feelings they have had years of dealing with their own.
It’s not what you wanted, and being born in the wrong body isn’t what they wanted.
Good luck with navigating the way through.

I 100% disagree. It’s just not as simple as "support your child" or you’re an evil parent.

Surely every parent knows that sometimes the right thing to do is not to gratify your child by automatically agreeing with them and giving in to their demands.

Just to be 100% clear, I absolutely did not say support or you are an evil parent.

edited to add, I didn’t say any of the rest of the things you mentioned either.

Some feelings clash and burn when they meet reality.

Boys dont have female bodies.
Boys at 13 have a lowering risk of being sexually abused girls do not.
Boys cant grow babies.
Boys dont have to manage a post puberty body with a monthly hormone cycle.

All of that and more is something which the OP needs to be aware of when helping her daughter to come to accept that she has a female body.

OP I would try be as bland as possible and not "debate" the issue as on a daily basis most things should not change.

The name change is a hard one as on one level using it indicates acceptance but is a clear point of conflict which your DD will use against you. So thats a judgement call (or can you opt to apply a nickname?)

You do need to check with her school asap on what their "trans" policy is and how they manage safeguarding and what their culture is.

Sound out how open her friend group is to a same sex attracted relationships and if they understand that friendship and courtship/ sexual attraction are different. The trans ideology is littered with homophobia so liking a girl while rejecting males who find her attractive will be more complex.

🌻

Supporting your child doesn’t necessarily mean I have to agree with everything and I’m not automatically giving in to their demands.
What I’m trying to do is find a balance to be supportive and maintain a good relationship with my child.

Another poster pointed out that if I completely dismiss everything she says she could completely push me away and exclude me from any decisions she might be considering in the future and that’s the last thing I want.

i also have seen so many parents saying they dismissed everything and now they’re estranged or have a dreadful relationship with their child.

I accept this isn’t always the case, but I see it’s quite common. Ideally the outcome would be an just accepts she’s gay.

Lucky you! Its not the same for everyone.

But they aren't a boy. Nobody is born in the wrong body. They need support to accept reality, not affirmative of their delusional thinking.

I think people are confusing sex and gender, yes I totally agree that you cannot change sex, this would mean changing biologically, you cannot change chromosomes for example, but gender is different, it’s how you feel inside, how you identify and sometimes the two don’t align. This does need to be handled gently and at the moment they are dealing with their version of reality.

I think that you are right and that it is about feelings. Just like anorexia is about feelings, not food.
So why then do gender clinics treat gender dysphoria with hormones and surgery to change an otherwise healthy body to align with how that person feels, something that the clinicians themselves agree may change in time. Why not do the psychological work as one would do for anorexia? People with anorexia would rather starve themselves to death than explore the reasons for their problems just like people with gender dysphoria would rather mutilate their healthy bodies than learn to tolerate distress - the difference is that a doctor treating somebody with anorexia would not allow that to happen.

I have thought a lot about this and whether or not it is kind. There is no doubt that the right thing to do is to go along with the delusions of somebody who has dementia. They’re not going to get better so the kind thing to do is minimise their distress.
I cannot see how it is the right thing to do for a young, otherwise healthy, person though. You wouldn’t go along with them if they told you they were a cat for example. Well, if they were a toddler you might but you would do so in a joking manner. Trans identifying kids don’t want you to humour them, they want you to believe that they are the opposite gender, born in the wrong body. Invariably, these kids are neurodivergent as most neurotypical kids go in and out of this phase very quickly. Affirming your neurodivergent child will just increase their confusion, in my opinion.
There is a lot to be said for not pushing back against teens because the more you push the greater they will resist you but at the same time we, as parents, have to maintain boundaries and expectations.

one of my daughters announced she was trans when she was around that age. I just went along with it in terms of clothing etc, she wanted to bind her breasts but was after long negotiations happy enough with a sports bra and baggy clothing. We did not have the chat about puberty blockers - she did not demand it and I would have delayed. She did “grow out of it”. She does have an ASD diagnosis and has since come out as lesbian.
In my view best is to keep it low key and just go with what she wants to bring the anxiety down until she has grown into herself. In talking with my middle daughter who had a friendship group where quite a number identified as female to male trans I got the impression that a lot of it had to do with finding a way of escaping male attention - not being objectified.

Personally Id let a child do anything they wanted that didnt involve medication or surgery.

Different name, pronouns, letting school know they want to be called something else, even deed poll if it came to it. Whatever clothes they want to wear. No judgement on friends.

Validating the way they feel. Because forever and a day weve had nicknames, dressing differently, being a tom boy or more feminine. The punks at my school were a scary, fabulous, creation of their own.

But no mutilation or medication.

This is total tripe, I supported my two sons that claimed to be trans by allowing them to wear whatever they want and telling them they can’t change sex and have no place in women’s toilets. News flash, one is now 26 and a gay man and the other is 22 and still claiming to be a woman yet presents completely and utterly as a man in joggers and trainers. He has long hair and that’s it. They still have friends on the trans train and they still know they can’t change sex. They are very much in my life and I see them both regularly 1-3 times a week, we spent Christmas together despite our differing views. I haven’t “lost” anybody by telling the truth and it’s pernicious to suggest that will happen. The next step along is “better a live X than a dead y” and tbh that’s just sheer manipulation and horrific.

Follow this advice at your own discretion. How about you take your daughter shopping and encourage her to find some comfortable girly clothes and shoes in the colours she likes, and jewellery and perfume. It may be she finds boys clothes more comfortable it doesn't mean that she's a boy.

I am an adult in my late twenties who has been out as non-binary since my mid-teens.

While yes, I am still non-binary, and I prefer neutral pronouns, over time this has become far less important to me as I've become more comfortable in myself. My family still use she/her and a mix of my old and new nicknames, which doesn't bother me anymore and hasn't in a long time. I know they don't mean it maliciously, and it doesn't indicate any disrespect or lack of support.

My advice would be to do effectively what my own mother did; that is, support with clear reservations. My mum did her own research on binding, surgery, hormones and more and we came to some agreements and compromises in my teens about how I wanted to do things and what she was willing to support. We agreed that she would try with my new name and I would hold off on any permanent changes until my twenties, both of which held up. I wasn't allowed to bind for more than a few hours at a time, and we mutually agreed not to bother with changing name or pronouns at my college. My mother is my closest relationship and her support meant and still means the world to me. I also know that if I realised I was actually cisgender that, even after over ten years, she would be fine with it. I've never felt locked into anything by her support, as she's been clear from the start that as long as I'm happy with myself, she's happy.

I have since had one surgery- a double mastectomy- and no plans for any further medical transition. That one surgery eliminated my body dysphoria to the point where I no longer think about it, it just doesn't occur to me anymore. Some of my trans friends have had more medical intervention, and others less. What I'm trying to say, really, is that for a lot of people these feelings get easier over the years even if your DD's dysphoria does persist. Her feelings are big and volatile right now, but they won't always be that way. You can be there for her without agreeing with or supporting every aspect of her gender identity, I think other PPs have made good suggestions when it comes to avoiding names and pronouns if need be.

Wishing you and your DD the best!

I don’t understand why you are saying my post is ‘tripe’ yet also saying you supported your sons. My entire post was saying to support.

@averychoc to be honest when I read your post, I thought similar to @GreenGodiva. Having said that I don’t know your circumstances or if you the parent of a trans child.
If you are then you may mean something similar to what I mean when you refer to support but if you are not then you may think like many teachers/medics/neighbours/relatives that supporting a child with gender dysphoria means affirming them. It is not this simple despite what private gender clinics say. . The Cass report is very clear that affirmation is not a neutral act and it can push a person, particularly someone with autism, down a path from which it can become very difficult to return.

If you are not the parent of a trans identified child/young person, then you can’t possibly understand the very fine line we walk as we try to support our distressed children, recognising their distress without concreting them in a position.
Even within online gender support groups, parents are split with some who felt they had no choice but to affirm their kids some of whom are now on puberty blockers/hormones and others who are taking a watchful waiting approach. People are generally too afraid to say anything in these groups for fear of upsetting others.

Thank you. It’s not all about whether I believe no matter what others might say! Your point about her shutting me out is valid and concerns me x

It's something that comes up a fair bit with parents with trans children. Your relationship with your child is the most important thing. XX

It sounds like it’s a been a roller coaster journey for you all and the mental health / suicidal times but have been horrendous.
I don’t want to lose our bond and reading your story where your child was so obviously unhappy for many years, is so very sad. Im so pleased to hear they are now at peace and are happy and you have managed to maintain a good relationship.
growing up is hard no matter what path our children choose, and I would hate to think either of my children felt they were alone and didn’t have my support.
Thanks for sharing your story 💐