Just found chest tape in daughter’s room

[QueenBing]

My 14 yr old DD has been struggling with gender identity for a while. I told her she needed to have specialist counselling (which she’s on a waiting list for) before I could support any change. Her father and I are divorced but he and his new partner are calling her by her preferred male name and he’s just given her a birthday card with “happy birthday son” on the front of it.

I went into her room to get her washing, as usual it’s strewn all over the place, and she’s left out a box which is WIVOV chest binding tape. I looked it up online, it’s £9-14. I went through her transactions on her card and there are no transactions for that amount of money. I can only think someone (probably her dad) has bought it for her. She hasn’t told me about it. I’m hurt she’s kept it a secret but also worried. Can it cause lasting damage??

I’m not transphobic by any stretch, I’ve just said to her I want to be sure this is the right road to go down before I can fully support it. She’s already had her hair cut very short, her dad took her, and she wears men’s clothes, so she seems pretty set on being a boy. However, she’s gay, she’s on the neuro pathway for an autism diagnosis and she’s experienced family trauma when her dad and I split so I know she’s at risk for thinking she’s trans. I don’t know what to do.

Sorry you’re going through this and sorry for your dc too as they must be struggling. You can find support from other parents going through the same thing at Bayswater support group and at the substack Parents with Inconvenient Truths about Trans (PITT). I know it’s a shock but try to hold it lightly, focus on your relationship with your child, not how they choose to self identify.

I couldn’t find any actual studies on binding but common sense indicates it is potentially harmful. At the very least encourage them to limit the hours they bind.

As a parent going through a similar situation I would just get rid of the binding tape without saying anything. Personally I found the book ‘Irreversible Damage’ by Abigail Shrier really helpful as a starting point. Also as Nightmare2022 suggested, there are some great sources of information online (including podcasts) x

Thanks, I’ve looked at Bayswater support group, they’ve been recommended to me before. I’m just in shock. It doesn’t look like she’s used it yet. I don’t know how to broach this with her.

Thanks so much for the recommendation, I’ll check out the book. I’ve checked in her room again today and the binding tape has been buried under some clothes in the same spot. If I get rid of it she’ll know I’ve found it and she’ll think I’ve been snooping when I found it by accident. I really don’t know what to do.

Don't do anything it'll only break trust. Keep supporting, being kind and giving space.

Her dad is enabling her.

Out of interest and I am sorry to if I am detailing the OP. But how is binding tape used? I am a 32G and how on earth would I hide / bind?

I am so confused by all this trans information. I am so frightened of getting it all wrong when asked a question.

What does binding do?

Please don’t just throw away your child’s belongings, have an open discussion with them. It’s an awful betrayal of trust to just throw them away.

I wouldn’t normally throw out my daughter’s belongings either but this is something that could seriously harm her. You could just be honest and say you found it whilst you were sorting her washing and you got rid of it because it is not safe for her to use? x

If it helps to explain why you don’t want her to do it, the police consider breast flattening (including using binders) a form of child abuse x
https://www.gmp.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/caa/child-abuse/breast-ironing-flattening/

I think I'd be sitting down with her and telling her that you accidentally found the tape and are concerned. Tell her that she can wear what she likes and have whatever haircut but this is very different. Try to watch some videos together about irreversible damage that binders do to developing bodies. (Obviously check them out first)

Then I think you need to have a serious discussion with her dad.

I would have a conversation about it, maybe compromise on buying a decent minimising bra and some baggy tops for now.

In fact I would probably make a day of the shopping for those things, get dc relaxed and have a chat.

Unfortunately the path you're taking now is driving your dc to hiding things so open, but difficult, conversations are the way forward.

Tell your dc that you want to fully prepare them for what's ahead, and then you can have conversations about stats, read and watch detransitioners stories, and keep communication open. Keep it neutral as well, don't say son or daughter, say child, have you got a nickname for your dc?

Believe me, I know it's not easy , but you can be open to chatting, and supportive, without having to fully affirm anything.

Hard when there's push back from dad, but if you can make yourself a neutral safe space for dc then that's the best thing you can do.

I would take the tape away, in the same way as I would remove any other tool of self harm. And I would sit down with her and watch some videos about the various ways in which different societies have encouraged female children to harm their bodies… Foot binding in Japan, FGM in Africa, etc.

Show her this article and start a conversation with TransgenderTrend who are very wise.

https://news.sky.com/story/amp/trans-charity-mermaids-investigated-after-offering-chest-binders-without-parental-consent-12708037

In my personal experience children going down this path are not very open to debate. The online propaganda they have consumed means that anything other than affirmation is considered transphobic behaviour. There are not open to watching detransitioner videos or reading articles about ROGD. It will lead nowhere but further conflict and relationship damage.

You could, however, say you found the tape when sorting washing and are worried that this is not a safe practice. Try not to show you are upset, although I know how hard that is.

This⬆️ 100%.
I was in a similar situation with my DD (slightly older at 16 then) and chose to not mention it/do watchful waiting.
Knowing what I know now about how this ideology becomes more pervasive, I wish I’d put my foot down and thrown away the binders I found. Believe me when I say that soon the binding becomes painful and frustrating for them and they start to push for a more permanent solution to their feelings of gender dysphoria:(
I’m now dealing with a young adult pushing for surgery (a double mastectomy- let’s call it what it is!) and once they are officially an adult all bets are off.
Her Dad may also think he is being supportive, when it’s now commonly thought that even affirming non-permanent changes (name, pronouns etc) is pushing them along the ideological path towards permanent hormones and surgery. You have time right now- don’t just sit back and assume it won’t progress.

I would listen to/read "time to think" by Hannah Barnes. It is very very informative. Sending you love OP, and hoping your daughter finds her place in the world. 🩷

OP, have you been following the news about the Cass Review?

Basically, Dr Hilary Cass is advising huge caution with any medical or physical treatments for children who think they are opposite sex.

Thread here : Cass review - out on Wednesday | Mumsnet

You need to carefully approach the discussion of this topic with your daughter and provide her with support and understanding. You can discuss with her her feelings and sentiments about her gender identity, and provide access to professionals who can help her understand her feelings. It is also important to discuss ways with your ex-spouse to jointly support your daughter and provide her with a safe and supportive environment.

I would contact the police. Sounds like your daughter's dad wants to iron her breasts which, as another poster said, is illegal and considered child abuse.

You are misgendering your child. He obviously thinks of himself as male, and has communicated this with his dad who is understanding and respecting his wishes. He has hidden the tape from you as you are clearly not accepting of this.

It's time for a conversation where you ask your child what their preferences are and promise to be supportive. Otherwise you will create a divide and he will continue to hide things from you/feel that he cannot be open and honest with you.

The child is female. Lying to her about her sex is not going to do her any favours whatsoever, just as helping an anorexic teen to lose weight would be disastrous.

Thankfully the Cass review offers an evidenced look at transing teens. I suggest you read it.

This is truly crap advice and will only serve to push your child away further.

@BigRedCat while the child's biological sex is female, they have shown they feel their gender is male.

Might she be open to some kind of therapy? I would avoid any specialist 'gender' counselling as it's likely there are more things going on here. If you can find her someone to talk to it might just help.

You can chuck away the tape but if she's determined she will find a way. You need to keep her close so if you can and just telling her not to use it is unlikely to be successful. It is a fine line to tread keeping her safe while also keeping her close.

Good luck.