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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Trans nephew - how to support?

127 replies

Bunny2021 · 12/06/2023 18:47

My 16 year old nephew has just announced to the wider family that he wants to be known by a girls name.

This has come as quite a shock to the family. He definitely has autism/Asperger’s (although his parents never got him formally diagnosed) and has always been a bit different.

I just don’t know what to text (it was my brother that broke the news to my mum and I). I want to show him that I still care about him - although I’m still getting my head around this and not quite sure how to process this news.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 14/06/2023 11:43

Just nod and say "Thanks for the heads up". Be cool auntie.

Address him as dear/ sweetheart/darling will reduce the risk of accidentally calling him by his birth name

We rarely use peoples names spoken to their face; you'll remember to write his chosen one on his cards and presents. If you use the wrong name out of his hearing, to his parents, I'm sure they are tripping up too.

I know three adults who all decided to change their forename used for decades (just personal preference, no connection to trans/gender issues) . People who change their surname on marriage, often trip up for years; still respond to the old one etc. It's really hard to get it right all the time ; but miss-naming is not the end of the world. People mature enough to stand on their own feet and make such decisions about their identity can take small stumbles in their stride. Something to discuss casually with N one day.

peachicecream · 14/06/2023 11:43

If you genuinely want to help your nephew/ niece, mumsnet isn't the place to ask for advie. There is a huge amount of anti-trans rhetoric on this site. You can already see from the way this thread is going, it turns into a general debate about trans, as all threads on this topic do, rather than how to help you and your relative specifically.

Try reaching out to a young people's LGBTQ+ charity local to you, or even the GP, rather than mumsnet.

TheShellBeach · 14/06/2023 11:45

Just call him whatever name he's chosen and wait for him to change his mind back again.

Rainydaysandicecream · 14/06/2023 11:46

Aspergers/Autism makes no difference to being transgender- irrelevant

Course it does, it's very relevant!

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 14/06/2023 11:52

BlueChampagne · 13/06/2023 13:03

Call them by the name and pronoun they have chosen. Apologise if you get it wrong. Remember that they are still the same person.

But the whole point is that they are NOT the same person. They have made (at least in their own eyes) about the most radical change it is possible to make for a dimorphic species.

CaptainMyCaptain · 14/06/2023 11:56

AgathaSpencerGregson · 14/06/2023 11:39

A post which contains serious disinformation re:ASD. Not a good post.

Show quote history

A good post respecting the young person's feelings whether you agree with them or not rather than alienating them so they can no longer have helpful discussions about their situation. People backed into a corner find it harder to change their mind.

BlueChampagne · 14/06/2023 11:59

Yeah but they are the same character.

Smallbirdgreengrass · 14/06/2023 12:03

Social transition is not a neutral act.

Personally, I would not want to think that I had in anyway, enabled him to later go down the irreversible route of medical intervention and surgery.

I would only use the chosen name if this was the only way to keep the relationship open and communication going. I would not use preferred pronouns but would use their name or ‘they’ if I needed to refer to them ( and would use ‘he’ when they are not in the conversation).

I would not be supporting or enabling this but would hope it passes and be available for them to talk to me whenever they wanted.

MNHQ
HopeMumsnet · 14/06/2023 12:06

Hi all,
Could we ask posters to bear in mind that they are on the LGBT Children board, responding to a thread that asks how to "support a trans nephew" and to offer advice in as constructive a manner as possible?
Much appreciated.

PrinnyPaupersPurse · 14/06/2023 12:07

Please be very careful and ask your family that they double check their internet settings Ava's their child's phone history etc. an awful lot
Of this trans stuff is often heavily influenced by anime, furries and then hentaii. I had no idea, I was a blind idiot and didn't see any harm when my ASD says he wanted to be a girl. I encouraged the hair growing and new clothing but that was it. A week after his 18th birthday the police raided my house and he was found to be in possession of hundreds of illegal images. A vast majority of them were anime based, cross species and depicted Asian school girls and (vom) tentacle porn. He is now on the sex offers register and a SHPO. It was in the papers and so everybody local knows. I can't describe how awful it's been.

Turned out he's been groomed online by adults but that only came to light through counselling AFTER the conviction and the police don't care as he was legally is enough to be prosecuted. They don't care about going after faceless adults on the internet across the world when a stupid naive autistic man can take the full blame for being a monster.

Rainydaysandicecream · 14/06/2023 12:10

You can be both autistic and transgender but one is not a reason for the other.

@Yellowquavers Being autistic is certainly one reason for believing yourself to be transgender even though you're most probably not. Of course people trying to support these kids are worried.

Gardendad · 14/06/2023 12:16

peachicecream · 14/06/2023 11:43

If you genuinely want to help your nephew/ niece, mumsnet isn't the place to ask for advie. There is a huge amount of anti-trans rhetoric on this site. You can already see from the way this thread is going, it turns into a general debate about trans, as all threads on this topic do, rather than how to help you and your relative specifically.

Try reaching out to a young people's LGBTQ+ charity local to you, or even the GP, rather than mumsnet.

Its not anti trans rhetoric. It may not suit your opinion and thats fine. The situation as explained must be addressed with the issue of Autism/ ASD at the forefront of anyones mind - its the causitive factor most likely. Therefore however uncomfortable it makes anyone feel the advice mostly is to focus on the autism first and the trans bit second. Just blindly afirming is not going to solve any issue. You saying advice is anti trans is deeply unhelpful and also, patently untrue.

flagpie · 14/06/2023 12:19

. It may not suit your opinion and thats fine.

I haven't actually stayed my opinion, however OP came here for something else, not the 'debate'

Even MNHQ have posted a reminder...

Theydontknowthatweknowtheyknowweknow · 14/06/2023 12:20

Support and advice should not just be people saying to join in with the social transition of a child, which using preferred pronouns and using a new name is part of.

Its actually very difficult for people who have socially transitioned to say they want to go back to how things were before.

When social transition leads to hormones, blockers and the removal of healthy body parts, you do have to question whether it’s tight to support even the social transition which many people see as harmless.

Gardendad · 14/06/2023 12:21

flagpie · 14/06/2023 12:19

. It may not suit your opinion and thats fine.

I haven't actually stayed my opinion, however OP came here for something else, not the 'debate'

Even MNHQ have posted a reminder...

Your opinion:

  1. If you genuinely want to help your nephew/ niece, mumsnet isn't the place to ask for advie.
  2. There is a huge amount of anti-trans rhetoric on this site.

Neither helpful. Pointing out the link and importance of autism and trans is not anti trans - its factual. In the same way that someone with treatment resistant depression may have had trauma to disclose is also important. All connected.

Grimbelina · 14/06/2023 12:22

PrinnyPaupersPurse thank you for sharing, that is a truly terrible experience (and a terrible worry when you have ASD teens). We have also had dealings with the police (they were truly shocking) and a court case with an older ASD relative which made me realise just how easily things can go wrong and just how vulnerable disabled adults are. I now know I was very naive.

flagpie · 14/06/2023 12:25

That's not my opinion on transgender people. I'm actually broken hearted because we have 2 teens identifying trans in our family right now. They are also both autistic. I am fully aware of what will happen if I don't keep them close. That's all.

There is a lot of anti trans stuff, I did clarify I meant generally on mumsnet not on this thread, but my point has been proven over and over. Rather than accept me saying that's not what OP is here for you had to come back at me, not picking things I have said to prove your point and dig down into the debate.

That's not what OP is looking for

hattyhathat · 14/06/2023 12:26

Do you see your nephew, neice now I guess often?

MNHQ
HopeMumsnet · 14/06/2023 12:27

Hi there,
Again, let's not derail the thread with discussion about the thread. The OP would like help with 'processing the news', and whatever form that takes we would ask that it is civil and constructive.

Rainydaysandicecream · 14/06/2023 12:28

flagpie · 14/06/2023 12:19

. It may not suit your opinion and thats fine.

I haven't actually stayed my opinion, however OP came here for something else, not the 'debate'

Even MNHQ have posted a reminder...

OP came here for advice. My advice is remember his autism and his age - the chances he is mistaken in the belief he is trans are high. Do what you can to keep a good, supportive relationship and counsel against doing anyting irreversible. Unfortunately, even social transitioning (using name and pronouns) is now thought not to be neutral - it can make it harder to detransition - but you don't want to alienate DN either so it's a bit of a tightrope.

Gardendad · 14/06/2023 12:29

flagpie · 14/06/2023 12:25

That's not my opinion on transgender people. I'm actually broken hearted because we have 2 teens identifying trans in our family right now. They are also both autistic. I am fully aware of what will happen if I don't keep them close. That's all.

There is a lot of anti trans stuff, I did clarify I meant generally on mumsnet not on this thread, but my point has been proven over and over. Rather than accept me saying that's not what OP is here for you had to come back at me, not picking things I have said to prove your point and dig down into the debate.

That's not what OP is looking for

I'm not going to go into this further.
I hope you find support for your own situation.

Theydontknowthatweknowtheyknowweknow · 14/06/2023 12:31

*right not tight on my previous post!

caringcarer · 14/06/2023 12:39

There's no real need to use either this new name or his real name. Hello nephew how has school gone today? Did your exams go well? I'd avoid using his new chosen name and incorrect pronouns at all cost. If he has a penis he is male and unless he has it removed he will remain a male whatever he calls himself.

hattyhathat · 14/06/2023 12:43

caringcarer · 14/06/2023 12:39

There's no real need to use either this new name or his real name. Hello nephew how has school gone today? Did your exams go well? I'd avoid using his new chosen name and incorrect pronouns at all cost. If he has a penis he is male and unless he has it removed he will remain a male whatever he calls himself.

Nephew is a gendered term though so that's insulting

TrashyPanda · 14/06/2023 12:45

Nephew is a sex based term that existed long before the concept of gender was invented.