Trans nephew - how to support?

[Bunny2021]

My 16 year old nephew has just announced to the wider family that he wants to be known by a girls name.

This has come as quite a shock to the family. He definitely has autism/Asperger’s (although his parents never got him formally diagnosed) and has always been a bit different.

I just don’t know what to text (it was my brother that broke the news to my mum and I). I want to show him that I still care about him - although I’m still getting my head around this and not quite sure how to process this news.

Or could it be many are feminists, who believe that sex matters?

Whatever the reason. It's not the place to seek any sort of advice. OP nephew isn't going to say 'oh yeah you read that on MN, you are right' and just revert to their previous name. When it happens in your family you have the choice ti support or not support. I chose supper because despite what I think about biology I'm not willing to risk alienating my family. I can easily use a different name and pronoun, it makes not much difference to me what I call people but it can make a huge difference to them.

flagpie

Mumsnet isn't the place for advice on this. The hate towards transgender people runs deep.

I can't see any hate here, I can only see concerns with safeguarding children and preventing irreversible damage.

The best thing you can all do is respect their choice re name/pronoun. Anything else will alienate them.

The OP has choices in whether she wants to affirm or, like a PP, be brave enough to be one of the few people in this child's life (a child with possible ASD which is absolutely relevant) who may actually provide a stable position which can help that child navigate away from a trans identity if they chose to do so in the future. Where is the evidence they will alienate them?

I think autism does affect the support you give. I would respond quite differently if my NT child was having feelings of gender dysphoria than if my ND child did. I have to word things differently because of how they see the world.

I can't see any hate here, I can only see concerns with safeguarding children and preventing irreversible damage.

I agree. Who is going to hate a 16 year old with possible autism? Their age alone makes them vulnerable to this sort of thing, that’s without possibly being autistic. It just makes me sad, I certainly don’t feel hate, just sadness and concern.

Theydontknowthatweknowtheyknowweknow Agreed. The 'hate' accusation is a really aggressive defence of the affirming stance to try and shut down debate. It doesn't help anyone, certainly not the young person involved.

For now respect her choice and use the name and pronouns she has chosen.

My DS decided he wanted to identify as female when he was 14. He is also autistic and has ADHD. We supported and followed his lead on pronouns etc. but the connection between ASD and gender identity is really very strong.

He is now 18 and told us a few months ago he was a man. I was so relieved (not that I said this). I had a feeling the whole way through that this was more of a gender dysphoria issue but Everytime I tried to talk to him when he was younger he would calm up and wouldn't discuss it. I am so glad I didn't allow any puberty blockers or hormone treatments.

We actually chatted about it this morning and he said he was so glad to be himself again and tag we didn't go down the route of gender clinic and any treatments

Not this thread specifically but MN is absolutely rude with hate towards trans women. Those trans women were once the 16 year old in the OP.

I'm not trying to be aggressive or shut anything down, I simply suggested to OP this isn't the right place to get advice.

I'm not articulate enough to join a debate but I wasn't trying to shut one down; this thread wasn't posted for debating purposes

Most trans women weren't trans at 16. There are two distinct groups: ROGD teens who are young and vulnerable, with disproportionate chance of ASD, and older, previously macho AGP types (eg Jenner, Levine).

how narrow minded...

Poor child. If you can afford it and they are open to it, I would help to fund some general, non-directional psychotherapy to help them work through all of their issues. The vast majority grow out of this and the family just needs to stop this child from doing anything irreversible.

Her nephew has just announced it and already he’s a she? He might change his mind next week. He hadn’t earned his stripes yet to be a she.

I thought this was supposed to be a supportive space? This is what it says at the top: "This board is primarily for parents of LGBT children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space."

I think if you get enraged by the concept of transgender kids, or you don't have any if your own but want to sound off about them, you ought to try the feminist board. You'll find your people there.

OP - let the child take the lead. Use their preferred name and pronouns, acknowledge you might occasionally slip up, let the know it doesn't change your relationship. That's all it takes. They may stay trans, they may not.

Love, the mother of a trans child
(And, spoiler alert, an 'ideology' it ain't)

Good post. 👍

Just honour the young person's choices. Its important they feel supported at this time.

Personal experience of the same situation.

It's tough, I keep my personal views away (feel she's been groomed online 😡) and let her know I'm there to support and love her no matter what. I didn't make any kind of deal about it and just treated her as normal whilst using the name and pronouns she asked. We don't want her to go too far down a road she doesn't feel she can return from, her parents parent her, I support and love her so my opinions really shouldn't come into it. If she decides in future to transition back to her born name and gender it won't be a big issue. I hate how hard it is for her though, she's just a kid 😢

Not this thread specifically but MN is absolutely rude with hate towards trans women. Those trans women were once the 16 year old in the OP.

If you see hatred, report it. Women talking about the rights of women and keeping children safe, is not hatred. Wanting single sex spaces for safety isn’t hatred. Wanting sport fair for women isn’t hatred.

A lot of people that think they’re trans at 16, later realise they are not. They are often autistic, often gay, often confused by puberty or are victims of social contagion.

I am so thankful that people are speaking out about this.

I usually stay away from the trans threads. I honestly thought this would be different because of where it was posted. Never mind.

OP I'm sorry your thread has gone this way.

In very similar position but DN is 18. We just said OK, but bear with us if we get name or pronoun wrong, after 18 years of using one name there might by occasional slip ups that won't be deliberate or malicious just habit. DN accepts this as we still call our DS's by each others names and I really couldn't be dealing with any tantrums that deadnaming or misgendering would cause. We still love DN regardless of name or gender.

@Yellowquavers exactly my point - you originally wanted posters to completely ignore the autism.

Long term harm can be broken relationships, self harm, making uninformed decisions etc. it’s not just about a 16 year old exploring their gender identity, it can be exploring their sexual orientation, relationship with food, relationships, career etc. Knowing someone autistic can help people support them far better than ignoring it.

Ugh.

A post which contains serious disinformation re:ASD. Not a good post.

Yes I see what you mean. However the issue firstly is Autism and how autistic people process their 'difference' and their often overriding need to be seen as the same as everyone else. I would not be affirming in this case but would be drawing attention to the fact that because he is autistic he will be seekimg explanations as to his 'difference'. Trans is a convenient but harmful status to adopt in this case.

Perfectly said. Thats the crux of it.