Trans nephew - how to support?

[Bunny2021]

My 16 year old nephew has just announced to the wider family that he wants to be known by a girls name.

This has come as quite a shock to the family. He definitely has autism/Asperger’s (although his parents never got him formally diagnosed) and has always been a bit different.

I just don’t know what to text (it was my brother that broke the news to my mum and I). I want to show him that I still care about him - although I’m still getting my head around this and not quite sure how to process this news.

Yep.

Apart from the social contagion aspect, and the feeling like a misfit aspect, and the literal thinker aspect (if I don’t “feel” like a boy or enjoy masculine things then I guess I must be a girl) there’s also a lot of social cachet in coming out as trans. For most teens it provides instant praise and entry to the “queer” friendship group.

That’s a very attractive prospect to an autistic kid. If I was an autistic teen today I would be all over it.

Why are you using female pronouns? OP hasn't specified they'll be using, just that the nephew wants to use a female name. Quite presumptuous of you to assume their pronouns actually.

@MetalFences you’re picking hairs - what i said, was that the advice and support given in regards to being transgender, should be the the same equal for everybody. I.e supportive. Autism shouldn’t change the way you treat/respect that person. More specifically, Her feelings are valid whether she is autistic or isn’t.

@Tippingadvice
‘Getting the communication wrong could potentially have life long consequences for this 16 year old’. Yes, and it works both ways - to dismiss her feelings or put it down to being autistic can really invalidate her experience and cause lifelong effects too. You can be both autistic and transgender but one is not a reason for the other.

@ImpromptuGathering I have first hand experience with both, so I think I’m well placed to make my claims.

@AgathaSpencerGregson ‘Those of us who are parents of children with ASD will have a better understanding of how they might struggle to fit into popular stereotypes of what it means to be a boy or a girl and how genderism might present them with superficially attractive answers.’ I suppose nobody actually has a real understanding of what it’s like to feel/be transgender and autistic, unless they actually feel/are transgender and autistic. I agree about stereotypes, but that isn’t what being transgender is about.

@ChristmasKraken Yes, I’m presuming her pronouns are she/her, purely basing it off of the fact that she wants to change to a ‘female name’. I would argue, if she is set on changing from a ‘male name’, she more likely than not doesn’t relate to being a male and all the connotations connecting to that. I can’t confirm it and neither has the OP (at time of posting) so I suppose none of us know the correct pronouns.

I went through this with DS when he was about 12, and had been exposed to some very stupid “born in the wrong body” rubbish at school. As a literal, concrete thinker, whose emotional maturity was behind his peers, he took the whole changing sex thing literally and was really badly frightened by it. I think he thought he was going to become a girl because he was different from the other boys.
fortunately he had a great relationship with his science teacher so we could remind him of what he had learned there, and to hold to that as truth.

If stereotypes aren’t what it’s about, you better go and tell the people pushing this ideology in schools and on social media. They seem to have not got the memo.
And it’s typical of your kind to dismiss a parents knowledge of their own child; thankfully cass has come along to put you in the bin 🙂

@AgathaSpencerGregson ’And it’s typical of your kind to dismiss a parents knowledge of their own child; thankfully cass has come along to put you in the bin’.

What kind* *am I and what does that even mean? Nobody knows a person better than the person themself.

Its not like being a vegan. No one kills themselves over being vegan.

The ignorance about the relationship between being ASD and being trans-identifying shines bright

It's so regressive. You can be a boy who identifies with female stereotypes but you are still a boy and that will never change.

What kind am I and what does that even mean? Nobody knows a person better than the person themself.

Yes, vulnerable and impressionable 16 year olds are well known for their deep insight and ability to make rational, sensible decisions aren’t they?

Not true actually - there have been studies that show that vegans are actually more likely to be depressed/suicidal https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32308009/

On the otherhand, according to GIDS, suicide in young people with gender dysphoria is 'extremely rare' https://gids.nhs.uk/professionals/evidence-base/

I dont know why you said 'Aspergers/Autism makes no difference to being transgender- irrelevant'
Thats untrue and unhelpful and certainly a big factor in somebody being trans. Go read the data and studies, massive correlation.

I don’t have any words of wisdom but reading with interest as my DC has identified as trans. They are currently undergoing assessment for ASD. The psychologist said it is common for people with ASD to put down their feelings of not belonging to be due to gender identity.

How is nephew's parents and siblings doing? It must be a shock and worry for them too.

The autism is obviously an important factor here. Will he be moving to a new school or college in September or is he in y12? I'd be hoping that a change in school might help too.

I think what you do depends on how close you are to your brother, SIL and nephew and whether they’re happy about it or not.

I’d be having conversations with your brother and your nephews mum about this, as I wouldn’t be on board at all. Are his parents aware of how vulnerable autistic kids are to this ideology? Do they know much about the trans debate and how much it’s tied in with stereotypes? Do they see this as a positive or negative thing. I hope the latter.

If you have a close enoughrelationship to talk openly, I’d be making sure they had lots of information, some people really aren’t aware of the issues around being trans and just think they’re being nice by going along with it all.

If they are up on it all and still choose to affirm, there’s not much you can do. As a GC person, I’d do what I could to inform them, but ultimately it would mean I’d distance myself from them as I couldn’t stand by and watch where it potentially will go and out views would be too different.

I think it’s critical to understand that being autistic is still very heavily stigmatised; the temptation to find other reasons for one’s situation is very real.

I had no idea! I shall check in on my vegans thank you

He needs a psychiatrist.....

Mumsnet isn't the place for advice on this. The hate towards transgender people runs deep.

The best thing you can all do is respect their choice re name/pronoun. Anything else will alienate them.

Or could it be many are feminists, who believe that sex matters?

Mumsnet isn't the place for advice on this. The hate towards transgender people runs deep.

I don’t hate people because they are genuinely struggling with gender dysphoria or are victims of an ideology. I hate some people who are taking an opportunity to benefit themselves with no thought for others. I hate that this ideology is being pushed onto kids and is having huge impacts on their physical and mental health. Oh and I hate the impact this ideology is having on women’s rights being trampled all over and making life more dangerous and unfair for women.

@Gardendad the OP said ‘He definitely has autism/Asperger’s …. and has always been a bit different.’ but was asking for advice on what to say about being transgender.

I agree about correlation. My comment was specifically talking about offering support regarding being transgender. Therefore, in this specific situation, autism is irrelevant as the support given should be the same, whether she has autism or not.

Correlation doesn’t equal causation and plays no part when figuring out how to approach the subject of support.

’(autism) is certainly a big factor in somebody being trans.’ It is a factor generally but not when it comes to offering support with regards to being transgender, which is what this thread is about.