Trans nephew - how to support?

[Bunny2021]

My 16 year old nephew has just announced to the wider family that he wants to be known by a girls name.

This has come as quite a shock to the family. He definitely has autism/Asperger’s (although his parents never got him formally diagnosed) and has always been a bit different.

I just don’t know what to text (it was my brother that broke the news to my mum and I). I want to show him that I still care about him - although I’m still getting my head around this and not quite sure how to process this news.

It might be a shock, but remember it isn’t about you or her family

Aspergers/Autism makes no difference to being transgender- irrelevant

’broke the news’ she isn’t dead or doomed, relax

simply say ‘It comes as a surprise but thank you for letting us know - I/we will always be here to support you and X no matter what’

She may change her mind, she may not. 16 is young but not too young to know who you are. Just allow her space to be herself, that’s all that really matters

This is not an area where I have any direct experience, but come on, of course it affects OP and her family. For 16 years she's had a nephew, referred to as 'he/him' and known by a boy's name. Now she and the rest of the family are being asked to re-programme themselves, effectively, and start referring to this young person with female pronouns, which doesn't match the reality of the situation.

Also, if ASD is irrelevant to being trans, why are so many trans people on the spectrum? Far higher percentages of young people on the spectrum are trans or non-binary than in the population as a whole. ASD is a condition where people struggle with unwritten rules, take things very literally and are often isolated and suffering from various mental health issues as a result of bullying, finding it difficult to fit in, etc. If they go online they will find lots of people telling them that this feeling of not fitting in is because they are trans or NB. Many detransitioners say this was a big factor in their decision to transition, and the disillusionment when things didn't improve was another big factor in their eventual decision to detransition. Unfortunately, between the two points, some of these people have had medical treatment which is irreversible.

I've heard good things about this group, OP. You could recommend them to your brother and sister-in-law, and also have a look for yourself. https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/ Good luck.

Ignore it mostly. Just call him whatever name it is he's chosen and move on and ignore.

Aspergers/Autism makes no difference to being transgender- irrelevant

Nonsense, @Yellowquavers - a huge percentage of Dc on the autism spectrum feel that they identify as the opposite sex/NB. It's a massive problem.

Aspergers/Autism makes no difference to being transgender- irrelevant

this is an ideological position which is at odds with the actual evidence which is that people with autism are massively over represented in the community of people who identify as trans. Theories are that they may interpret gender very literally and also relate to feeling 'different' and outside societal norms and are therefore vulnerable to gender ideology.

OP I would say nowt about it. The kid is 16 and chances are they want a reaction and a fuss. I really wouldn't give one. Teenagers' sense of 'gender' is a lot less interesting than they believe it to be (same can be said about many supposedly deep and meaningful insights that come out of teenagers' minds TBH)

Call them by the name and pronoun they have chosen. Apologise if you get it wrong. Remember that they are still the same person.

I just want to address the first comment regarding Autism being irrelevant. I'm a secondary school teacher and I teach 16 students identifying as trans. 14 of them are diagnosed with Autism and I would call that pretty relevant.

Most of the staff just try to remember to use the correct name and pronoun and I avoid using them altogether by calling them by their surname.

OP - do you usually text your nephew? if not, then don't mention it and treat her as you normally would do bar the name/pronoun. If you do normally text, then just say "Rebecca, heard your news. Bet you're looking forward to the summer holidays - anything special planned? lots of love, OP."

She'll be finding her feet and dealing with her new persona - let her take the lead.

What i’m trying to say is that whether she is autistic or not, the topic at hand here is that she is transgender. What difference does it make to know she could be autistic? Having autism doesn’t mean she’s any less trans and the advice/support given should be the same.

have a 17yr old DC who says they are transgender.....(they also have ASD/ADHD)

I nod and smile and am inwardly praying that no-one will give them irreversible drugs and surgeries..

I would of course be much more supportive if we hadn't had 4years previous and allegedly ongoing useless "support" from camhs for her massive MH issues, the fact that she goes through gender identities like clothing .. and all her friends weren't also ASD teenage girls saying they are in fact boys. These girls are shy lovley people who are very quirky and the praise and fawning they get for saying they are trans seems to promote their social standing. I just find it so so sad.

I wouldn't go overboard, just nod smile agree to use new name but don't make a fuss, just incase they decided to transition back it will be less challenging

Bold statement to say that people with autism shouldn't be treated differently from NT people.

Me too. I'd wouldn't mention any differences in looks or a new outfit.

Perfect imo

@Yellowquavers that is a really naive thing to say. Human beings are complex and you cannot completely separate one aspect of a person from others.

It also impacts how you may approach communication with the person because, guess what, Autism affects how a person communicates and the different ways they receive and process messages.

This thread is about how to provide support and, second guess what, that will include how to talk to the 16 year old and their family. Taking into account the autism is treating them as a whole person and with respect. Getting the communication wrong could potentially have life long consequences for this 16 year old.

@Bunny2021 I would text along the lines of “Dad has told us your news. You are a loved member of this family and your news does not change that.“

I would follow your brothers lead in terms of name and pronouns. A name is a name, when I grew up we all knew John Wayne’s real name was Marion, Big Daddy the wrestler was Shirley etc. We get hung up on names when it’s not necessary.

With pronouns you may be more comfortable with they and them rather than he/she. you will slip up, move on don’t get all apologetic or make a big deal it’s just a slip of the tongue.

Are you autistic? Do you have autistic family members? Parent of autistic child?

If you are, or if you do, then you will know that autism comes with social vulnerabilities, black and white thinking, an affinity for the online world and a search for an accepting community that makes it very obvious why autistic kids are especially over represented in this group.

If you aren't, or if you don't, then on what authority do you make your claims?

OP, I would advise brother and wife to research trans and autism and just hold back on embracing this too readily. Neither should they push back hard.

Who starts texts with names???

I often start with Hi name, if it's someone I don't text regularly. Also in this instance it's a clear way of showing the message has got to OP and a clear way of acknowledging it. Without saying Heya heard you're a lady now

Those of us who are parents of children with ASD will have a better understanding of how they might struggle to fit into popular stereotypes of what it means to be a boy or a girl and how genderism might present them with superficially attractive answers. Blind affirmation is not the answer here.

Thank goodness Dr Cass is putting a stop to this sort of idiocy. We all need to pray for her success!

I would use the new chosen name but not use the pronouns. I'd avoid any pronouns to try not to offend the trans person or the women insulted by the appropriation.

Other than that don't treat the person any differently. I personally see gender as a social construct and believe a feminine male can be just that and a masculine female can be just that without needing to transition. I don't believe men and women should be treated differently apart from in sport and medicine and access to their single sex spaces so wether your nephew is presenting as male or female I think is shouldn't change how they are treated by you.

It's up to you if you want to come out as supportive of the transition. I'd recommend doing some research into the area before making a decision. Look at both side of the argument some TRA views and some gender critical views

As an aunt I would (and have - although a younger niece) quite willingly take on the role of bad guy in this situation. I wouldn’t want my nephew to be totally surrounded by people affirming him and having nobody with the alternative viewpoint.

Don't even see why it needs acknowledging tbh. its like if he decided he was vegan... just nod, smile and get on with it. No need for drama, and maybe don;t offer him a cheese toastie next time he's round...

My nephew is trans.

I just don't mention it. I still call him by his real name and his correct pronouns, as do his parents.

It's a phase and it will pass. It's all due to social media and pushing this on kids.

The juxtaposition of your post with the one directly below it really highlights what an unthinking ideology trans is

Just call him by his preferred name that's it.