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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Original poster

For not supporting “trans” DS

100 replies

seelk07 · 14/02/2023 21:29

This is sort of an AIBU but I thought it was better to be posted here.

DS is 16.

When he started secondary school he told other students he was a girl and wanted to be known as X (which I didn't know about until a friend called him that in front of me) which led to a lot of bullying although some friends were supportive. I told him I wasn't going to call him that name but we agreed a nickname which is similar to his proper name and let him wear whatever he wanted.

This went on for about a year and half until when we moved house and he went by both his proper name again and his nickname and he came out as bisexual not long after which I was supportive of and almost everyone else also accepted him apart from the odd few at his school but they didn't seem to bother him.

2 years ago, he got into a relationship with another boy and he sexually assaulted DS which I got him counselling for but that has impacted his MH.

Last year, he told me he was trans and he only hid it before so school would be easier. I told him I didn't think he was and our relationship has suffered.

He wears male clothes, has short hair and the only make up he wears is eyeliner (I am aware biological women can also do this but if he's saying he's female wouldn't he be trying to look it?)

We had an argument earlier as he accused me of being transphobic for not calling him a she

AIBU for not supporting him?

OP posts:
maddy68 · 14/02/2023 21:36

Yabu.

Whatever your feelings he is going through trauma and you are his mum.

Now is not the time for this to be about you. He need help and support. It seems he has had issues over his sexuality for a long time.

He needs support (so do you!)

Onnabugeisha · 14/02/2023 21:37

I think you’re being a bit superficial/shallow tbh, it’s like you’re imposing gender stereotypes on your DS. He shouldn’t have to conform to traditional female gender stereotypes to be a certain gender. Have you even asked which gender he identifies with? Not all trans individuals identify with the gender associated with the opposite sex. He may be nonbinary or genderfluid for example.

Runningonjammiedodgers · 14/02/2023 21:41

Can I ask why you are reluctant to use his preferred name and pronoun? Is it because you don't think he is trans but instead views transitioning has the solution to his unhappiness? Are you reluctant to do anything that might be a confirmation only approach? What are your concerns about the impact of using his preferred pronouns v not using them?

SilverCatStripes · 14/02/2023 21:41

This madness needs to stop.

He can wear what clothes he likes , have his hair how he likes and do make up how he likes.

He is still a boy.

How much better would it be if all these LGBT societies were encouraging people to break down stereotypes and present however they like , whilst acknowledging that a persons sex is immutable.

Lottapianos · 14/02/2023 21:42

'I think you’re being a bit superficial/shallow tbh, it’s like you’re imposing gender stereotypes on your DS'

The irony of you lecturing the OP about gender stereotypes 🙄

OP, I really feel for you and for your son. He's dealing with a hugely traumatic experience. I think you're doing the right thing in holding on to reality for both you and him. He's a young man, and you know that, and it's biological fact. Your sex doesn't change, no matter how you feel inside.

Christmaspyjamas · 14/02/2023 21:45

You need to let him decide.

You are only going to hurt him and hurt the relationship with this stance.

Length of hair and amount of make up doesn't define a woman so it's really not helpful to focus on this.

He may change his mind again. Several times. But you really need to let him decide the labels he wants to give himself and the life he wants to lead.

Onnabugeisha · 14/02/2023 21:47

@Lottapianos
The irony of you lecturing the OP about gender stereotypes 🙄

What do you mean by this?

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 14/02/2023 21:51

You will destroy your relationship if you can't show them any respect for their feelings.

Inastatus · 14/02/2023 21:52

SilverCatStripes · 14/02/2023 21:41

This madness needs to stop.

He can wear what clothes he likes , have his hair how he likes and do make up how he likes.

He is still a boy.

How much better would it be if all these LGBT societies were encouraging people to break down stereotypes and present however they like , whilst acknowledging that a persons sex is immutable.

100%

TiaI · 14/02/2023 21:53

This is clearly post traumatic, get him a lot more counselling. Make sure it’s i dependant and not mermaids related

WinterFoxes · 14/02/2023 21:56

Can you, for now, say as little as possible about what you think and just ask him to explain to you why he thinks this and how long he has felt it and what he wants to do about it? Build up trust and information - you need a strong and loving relationship to get through this.

Crutcher · 14/02/2023 22:14

YANBU in any way shape or form. Just reinforce the message that you love him very much as he is, and there is no need for him to pretend he's anything else. Truth matters.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/02/2023 22:59

Here are some links to podcasts of parents speaking about their teens. I was actually searching for the Graham Lineham one but this came up. The GL interview is included in one of the links, which I’ve listened to, not the others... but they might have some info for you? ourduty.group/2021/08/15/parents-on-podcasts-speaking-out-about-trans/.

Original poster
seelk07 · 14/02/2023 23:34

DS has decided his preferred name is the nickname I (and others) were calling him so the majority of the time, I'm using that name apart from when I occasionally forget.

I do think this is a result of him being sexually assaulted as he's been saying he hates his body and he's uncomfortable etc. He no longer goes to counselling as he says talking about it isn't going to change what happened, I've tried persuading him to continue but he won't.

OP posts:
Isithotinhere · 14/02/2023 23:40

What a very hard thing to go through, I really feel for you.

Supporting your son doesn't mean that you have to have to simply affirm everything he says. I hope you can get support for him.

Onnabugeisha · 14/02/2023 23:44

@Lottapianos
The irony of you lecturing the OP about gender stereotypes 🙄

Would still like to know what you meant by this?

FrancescaContini · 14/02/2023 23:56

Onnabugeisha · 14/02/2023 21:37

I think you’re being a bit superficial/shallow tbh, it’s like you’re imposing gender stereotypes on your DS. He shouldn’t have to conform to traditional female gender stereotypes to be a certain gender. Have you even asked which gender he identifies with? Not all trans individuals identify with the gender associated with the opposite sex. He may be nonbinary or genderfluid for example.

😵‍💫

Carouselfish · 15/02/2023 00:38

Be very gentle with him, but suggest that for now, you won't be referring to him as she. Maybe later down the line you'll think about it. The nickname is a good compromise. It gives him freedom and no pressure to stick to anything he proclaims just yet. Stand back while he experiments.
When he's stronger, you could ask him what thoughts and feelings he's had that he thinks are more female than male? Point out that men can be feminine and women can be masculine, that he doesn't have to follow any stereotypes. Point out his body is changing, it's not finished and it's normal to not be happy with it right now. Normalise how he's feeling as much as possible without it needing any labels.

Valhalla17 · 15/02/2023 01:45

Poor kid sounds hugely confused. This is what we are doing to our kids with this continuous stream of noise around gender and identity. He can present how he likes, wear whatever clothes he likes etc., these additional labels are damaging. Just support him as you would any teen (as you're already doing) but he needs more professional counselling after his experience, I'm so sorry he went through that OP Flowers

2023gulp · 15/02/2023 06:41

He feels he has had his agency taken away from him by the assault I suppose? Poor kid. I’m so sorry this happened to him.

SilverGlitterBaubles · 15/02/2023 06:49

Wasn't there a time where people experimented with hair, makeup, music and fashion etc without having to make a declaration about their sexuality? Being a teenager is a process of discovery, your DS is still on that journey.

Blister · 15/02/2023 07:27

There used to be a support thread for parents of teenagers. The title went along the lines of: "I need you to hold on to these ropes while I'm thrashing around them".

It was eye opening how much parents had to withstand to keep reality for their children and this was way before the idea of sex change became prolific for that age group.

Good luck op, he needs you a lot... he's going to blame himself and his body for what was done to him... he will mourn the loss of the part of him that died that day for a while. He'll need a lot of therapy.

As long as he doesn't want to do that, and he has huge pressure not to right now, all information you provide will be wrong. It doesn't matter if you affirm or hold onto reality for him. You'll still be wrong. You'll have to be patient...

WednesdaysPlaits · 15/02/2023 07:35

Onnabugeisha · 14/02/2023 23:44

@Lottapianos
The irony of you lecturing the OP about gender stereotypes 🙄

Would still like to know what you meant by this?

I’m not the one who said it but it isn’t difficult. Those who believe that you can be “born into the wrong body” are perpetuating extremely harmful stereotypes that effectively say that if you look a particular way you are male or female. So if a young boy likes wearing pink dresses he must really be a girl.

The reality is that he is and will always be a boy no matter what he likes to wear and boys should be able to wear whatever they like without trans activities shouting that they are now a girl.

Lcb123 · 15/02/2023 10:33

Sorry but YABU. He’s your son.-he needs your non judgemental love and support, and to know he has that regardless of any decisions he might make.

bellac11 · 15/02/2023 10:38

If he said he was fat or hated his body because he was fat (but wasnt), would people expect OP to sign him up to weight watchers and restrict his diet?

The validation of something which is not real and which has other underlying issues is dangerous and stores up trouble rather than dealing with them