For not supporting “trans” DS

[seelk07]

This is sort of an AIBU but I thought it was better to be posted here.

DS is 16.

When he started secondary school he told other students he was a girl and wanted to be known as X (which I didn't know about until a friend called him that in front of me) which led to a lot of bullying although some friends were supportive. I told him I wasn't going to call him that name but we agreed a nickname which is similar to his proper name and let him wear whatever he wanted.

This went on for about a year and half until when we moved house and he went by both his proper name again and his nickname and he came out as bisexual not long after which I was supportive of and almost everyone else also accepted him apart from the odd few at his school but they didn't seem to bother him.

2 years ago, he got into a relationship with another boy and he sexually assaulted DS which I got him counselling for but that has impacted his MH.

Last year, he told me he was trans and he only hid it before so school would be easier. I told him I didn't think he was and our relationship has suffered.

He wears male clothes, has short hair and the only make up he wears is eyeliner (I am aware biological women can also do this but if he's saying he's female wouldn't he be trying to look it?)

We had an argument earlier as he accused me of being transphobic for not calling him a she

AIBU for not supporting him?

The most obvious thing is that having been told transgender is possible children who don't fit think that's why

It's obvious to me because I thought I must be a boy when I was small because I fitted better with boys than girls

If you had told me that was true I would have believed if very happily

fortunately no one thought that when I was younger so I just had to accept being female in the end

The message my dad gave me time and again

I love you as you
You are perfect as you are

OP, I am going through the same but with my dd, she has always questioned her gender, she has autism which has made things even more complicated. She started uni last September and decided she was going to uni as a male, changed her name, pronouns etc.., she’s never dressed girly but doesn’t really dress as a male either. She now has a new group of friends, most are trans too. I refuse to call her ‘he/him’ but I do use her new name. In my eyes she is female, I gave birth to her and she was definitely female. I tell her I am happy if she’s happy, she can bring home who ever she likes, she can wear whatever she likes but she’s still female in my eyes so I shall call her ‘her’.

No I don’t think you are being transphobic for not calling him she. You are probably worried he is reacting to the sexual assault. You love your son and you are trying to keep to the truth.

Evan Davies on Radio 4 a few weeks ago has an interesting interview with a woman and her child. It might be helpful to listen to it together.

You obviously don't love him unconditionally. I understand concerns around trans people and protecting sex based rights rather than gender based rights, but that's not what you're talking about here. Support your fucking child. When you told them you didn't believe they are transgender you completely broke any trust you once had with them. What's the point in not calling them the name they'd like, but then agreeing on a nickname? Just vile behaviour as a mother. Sorry to be so harsh, I just can't believe anyone can treat their baby like this

Aiding your child to believe that they can change sex is not automatically supporting your child.
Sometimes, most times, parents need to say stop or talk to someone or reconsider or delay irreversible decisions, there's no rush. Any of these, including affirming, could be the right support required.

The world that our teenagers live in is one of affirmation and you risk pushing him away because they are all so adamant it is really simple and no big deal , they equate it to saying you are gay , and of course , no big deal that's who you are etc but trans is different, but not to them. I'd try and support them by using the nickname and get to the bottom of what else do they want at this stage to feel comfortable? Hopefully it isn't much and you can ride it out . I wouldn't deny it though , or you risk him feeling cut off , and boy do they love that story. If they push the label thing , keep reiterating that , I love you because you are you and I always will love you

Utterly unbelievable and quite vile
Actually scrap unbelievable

Love unconditionally/ even a murderer or rapist ? No I think not. unconditional love is a fairy tale

Then a mother is more likely to recognise a transgender child than anyone else - a true trangender child is exceptionally rare and recognisable as a very young child ( although even here it may have its roots in society. I'm not saying it's innate but I am saying it seems to be fixed when it occurs in very young children. At least historically )

Teenage transgender seems to be a very different thing , much more likely to change especially if not "supported" / that's why so many adult women recognise it

if it wasn't linked to potentially life threatening "treatment" we could perhaps be more supportive . If it was just rejecting the gender norms and living life his way , that would be fantastic.

But until the expectations around physical changes and the link between feeling a gender and being a specific sex are removed ..

you wouldn't support an anorexic to diet either. That wouldn't mean you didn't love them. It would mean you loved them and wanted the best for them. You

would want them to love themselves as they are not as they think they should be because of inner feeling - a feeling not a fact

Feelings change - happy . Sad . Joy pain . Feelings are transient by nature

@midgemadgemodge
Then a mother is more likely to recognise a transgender child than anyone else - a true trangender child is exceptionally rare and recognisable as a very young child….Teenage transgender seems to be a very different thing , much more likely to change especially if not "supported" / that's why so many adult women recognise it

I’m sorry, but are you saying that mothers know their DC better than their DC know themselves? Would you say the same regarding sexuality? Where is the evidence for this assertion of motherly mind reading?

Where too is the evidence that gender identity is fixed at a “very young age”?

btw, OP’s DC was ~11 when they began expressing that they were trans, not a teenager, as OP said “When he started secondary school he told other students he was a girl” which would correlate to Yr7, in which most DC are 11 turning 12.

@midgemadgemodge I disagree with most of what you've said. Unconditional love is real and many mothers still love their children if they commit heinous crimes. How that's comparable to being transgender I have no idea

It's not comparable

I was saying ( trying to say ) that accusing a mother of not loving her child enough was disgusting

And unconditional love is usually a bullying / manipulative demand

If you truely loved me
....

And no mother fails if she doesn't love a child who does bad things

sunshinenroses · Yesterday 22:19
You obviously don't love him unconditionally. I understand concerns around trans people and protecting sex based rights rather than gender based rights, but that's not what you're talking about here. Support your fucking child. When you told them you didn't believe they are transgender you completely broke any trust you once had with them. What's the point in not calling them the name they'd like, but then agreeing on a nickname? Just vile behaviour as a mother. Sorry to be so harsh, I just can't believe anyone can treat their baby like this

You say you understand concerns around trans people and protecting sex based rights rather than gender based rights.

Sex is a real thing. The only non-real thing about it are the assumptions around the various societal expectations associated with each sex. These non/-real things are ‘Gender’.

Ironically, ‘Trans Gender’ identity takes on the masking cloak of those very same ‘non -real’ expectations. It simply swops the ‘girl’ expectations that usually go with girls, and gives them to boys.

This mother wants her son to be able to live a real, authentic life in his own actually real, healthy body.

This is because she does love the whole person he is including his body which has nothing wrong with it.

She is worried that due to an ideological cult her son will start harming himself unnecessarily with the totally unnecessary and life harming physical interventions that are pushed on to people like her son. Or that he may mentally harm himself by believing his own body is faulty.

If he is gay, she doesn’t want him castrated for it, chemically or otherwise, and his health ruined for life. Would you want this for him,sunshinenroses?

Let us hope he gets to the bottom of what is making him be in despair.

OP, you say that your DS tells you he wanted to be a girl from age 11, is there any evidence or indication of this when you look back? I say this because I have spoken to many parents of teens experiencing what has been termed Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria (ROGD) who have rewritten their own histories to fit the new trans narrative they have adopted. My son has done the same, recounting incidents to prove his trans-ness that either simply did not happen or are wildly out of context. Our children are encouraged in online forums to do this.
Also beware anyone who throws accusatory or inflammatory statements at you, the places I go to where parents are struggling with the same issues have nothing but compassion, love and a desperate urge to do right by their children.

Sending love and support op.
We are going through similar with daughter. The school used her new name and pronouns. We were a bit p.d off but thought it would pass. There is some evidence as above that the new pronouns help push them into an identity they might otherwise naturally move on from. Obviously this can cause more harm as they feel they can't back down.
We are calling dd her new name as it has been going on for a long time and it was the lever used by her rather extreme girl/boyfriend to persueded her to leave home as we are evil transphobes.
But we try to avoid calling her anything at all as we try to rebuild links ( she's run away) .
I wonder if you can discuss it ? Maybe use a pet / nick name or agree . But please please keep talking in a living way - and contact the groups mentioned above.
Love to you both

I've spoken to DS and he said he's felt like a girl for a while but doesn't want to medically transition as he doesn't think he'd be happy. But he does want to attend college as a female in September and wear a dress to his prom, but both are months away yet so he may change his mind, but I am concerned if he doesn't as he may be bullied etc.

He did tell me he has a girlfriend but doesn't want to tell her about this yet and he is fine with being called her boyfriend so I do think he could be confused with all of the labels etc but if he wouldn't agree if I asked so I'm going go leave it and try and be as supportive as I can

Well said 👏👏👏

YANBU

It does sound very harsh imho

Yes, so much better to force them to conform to other people's expectations. That can't possibly go horribly wrong.

How silly would it be to say ‘if he was secretly gay, wouldn’t he be trying to look it?’

What is your ultimate aim in raising your child if it is not to get to know them and try to understand them? Speak to your kid with an open mind and open heart.

I feel really sad for you if you do not believe in unconditional love. It is real.

@SilverCatStripes yeah that's why it's called transgender not transsexual

I really feel for parents who have to go through this.

Obviously you should support your child regardless, but where is the line between 'identity to cope with trauma'... and 'true identity'? How does a parent know? Is supporting a child regardless going to result in even more harm?

I had a friend who was chronically ill and, as a result, was in constant pain. She (originally) went through a transition believing she was an animal, a God (trapped in a human body, which explained her pain), and finally settled on being a male.
I honestly believe all this was a coping mechanism for the physical trauma... Would actual counselling have been more beneficial than 'playing along'?...

https://arlingtonparentcoa.wixsite.com/arlingtonparentcoa/if-your-child-says-s-he-s-transgend

I found this website to be quite sensible and easy to read. It’s the first resource I’ve found that suggests how I help my other child deal with their sibling.
also if anyone hasn’t suggested it, please listen to genspect a wider lens podcast. I think one of the early ones gently questions this rogd area, one of the later ones deals with how it affects parents. Whatever you do, don’t take him anywhere near a therapist without rigorously checking them out, or lgbtq club. We learnt to our cost that there are a lot of people who want to affirm this. Including, to my suprise- I thought people were exaggerating- schools and colleges. Parents, you might want to check out what your schools stance on this is.