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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Original poster

5 year old saying he's a girl?

181 replies

frenchnoodle · 10/01/2023 06:53

How best to deal with this, it is happening at home at school and started roughly 4 months ago, maybe a bit longer and at first everyone school included was treating it as a normal phase, to correct and ignore but although it's occasionally luled he's still insistent he's a girl.

What is the next step here?

OP posts:
Leafstamp · 05/03/2023 17:16

@gogohmm what does 'fully transition' entail and is this person still under 18?

Newusernameaug · 05/03/2023 17:17

At 4 yes old my son insisted he was Wendy from Bob the Builder and would only answer to Wendy. This went on for some months!

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 05/03/2023 18:34

At 4 yes old my son insisted he was Wendy from Bob the Builder and would only answer to Wendy. This went on for some months!

So, in using his imagination, he wasn't ever saying "I am a girl" but he was saying "I am a particular character that I like, who happens to be female". That's quite a distinction.

Just like when my DN was young and insisted that he WAS Thomas (the Tank Engine): it happens that Thomas is a male character, just as he is a male; but the elephant in the room is that they are play-acting being a fictional character; it's irrelevant whether that character is male or female, human or a train.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 05/03/2023 19:38

Also, I find it very interesting how many supposedly agenda-less adults and organisations would have followed up a boy's insistence that he IS Wendy from BtB by exploring the child's expressed interest in pretending to be/maybe wanting to become a business manager and/or involved in the building trade, as opposed to focusing solely on the fact that the business manager whom he's keen to emulate happens to be female.

Mamoun · 05/03/2023 20:40

Wishing1988 · 09/02/2023 09:38

My post is quite measured really - basically saying either the child is trans or they aren't and it's too early to tell and carry on as you are. Not particularly radical.

Admittedly, 'innate' was probably the wrong word - I think what I meant was gender (identity) is something that is within us and forms part of our identity in a different way to pretending to 'be an animal'. It informs how we view the world, interact within it and how others treat us. I was trying to make the point that the comparison in wanting to be an animal isn't really appropriate, rather than arguing that gender identity is 'innate' because that's not really right.

Blockers are generally safe - www.eurekalert.org/news-releases/842073

And there's also the argument that even if blockers did pose a risk to bones, the risk of not giving them on a trans teen's mental health is far higher than the risk of blockers. Going through puberty of the opposite sex can be traumatising. Trans youth are at far higher risk of depression, anxiety, self-harm and suicide than the general population pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32345113/

Again though, this is a really individual thing and blockers should be prescribed in conjunction with mental health support and counselling not as a solution for everyone who asks. The point is, they should be available because some people need them.

I'm not saying that all children who tell you they're the opposite sex/are transgender really are - just that some of them will be. Denying this won't change who someone is - if it did then there wouldn't be that many trans people in the world.

This is quite interesting - www.gendergp.com/detransition-facts/

Most people who end up on blockers go on to fully transition. But this conversation started with OP and a 5yo. They are way way off thinking about blockers, medication or anything else. If their DC becomes distressed and wants to fully socially transition, that would be the first step - but it doesn't sound like they're there yet. And may not at all.

Have you actually met any trans people and listened to them talk about their experiences?

Do better.
Gender is socially constructed. You'll only be able to defined gender by using stereotypes. The only thing that is innate is our sex. Telling a child they can change their gender is abusing because it is a huge lie.

Original poster
frenchnoodle · 07/03/2023 21:56

If gender is stereotypes then surely they can be changed?

And should be challenged?

So where does this leave a 5 year old who still insists he's a girl because he has a dress for example?

"Yes the stereotype is only girls wear a dress but anyone can wear one!”

This is the kind of thing I'm saying currently, is this correct?

OP posts:
Wishing1988 · 08/03/2023 07:38

I know people here don't generally like my overall views. I'm not GC like most here but OP, if my DS says those things when he is 5 then I'd be saying the exact same as you. Some kids - v small number - are trans but the vast majority desist in the end.

I think reinforcing boys can wear dresses is good.

Is he saying he must be a girl because he likes dresses? Or is he saying he is a girl and he likes dresses?

Tbf regardless which it is, my response at this point would probably still be the same. Boys can wear dresses.

OP, as long as you are treating your son with love, care and acceptance then your response is correct.

Mamoun · 09/03/2023 21:30

frenchnoodle · 07/03/2023 21:56

If gender is stereotypes then surely they can be changed?

And should be challenged?

So where does this leave a 5 year old who still insists he's a girl because he has a dress for example?

"Yes the stereotype is only girls wear a dress but anyone can wear one!”

This is the kind of thing I'm saying currently, is this correct?

Gender means nothing really. We use it synonymously to sex so it is confusing. But there is nothing to change. There is a spectrum in the way people express themselves and it aligns more or less with what society says a boy should dress as.
Of course you can be a boy and dress in a way that girls normally do in our society. But as much as you should be free to do that (and that should be normalised) - you cannot, ever, change your sex.

Mamoun · 09/03/2023 21:34

frenchnoodle · 07/03/2023 21:56

If gender is stereotypes then surely they can be changed?

And should be challenged?

So where does this leave a 5 year old who still insists he's a girl because he has a dress for example?

"Yes the stereotype is only girls wear a dress but anyone can wear one!”

This is the kind of thing I'm saying currently, is this correct?

So yes you are correct. Boy and girls are different and their only true difference is their anatomy & biology (and that cannot be changed). Otherwise they can do whatever they like.

I'll try to find you a video. It is a teenager who thought he was trans and when he realised he would never ever be a women he suddenly felt relief & acceptance of what he really was: a gay man (who feels good around stereotypically feminine things).

motherjulia86 · 17/03/2023 21:36

Hey girl. Your child is showing very early signs of being transgender. Trying to argue that they are or are not a certain gender may not be helpful to them as it might just confuse them more. Talk to them, ask if they'd like to wear dresses, skirts etc and allow them to be themselves with no boundaries.
Hope this helps xoxo

Original poster
frenchnoodle · 26/03/2023 08:11

motherjulia86 · 17/03/2023 21:36

Hey girl. Your child is showing very early signs of being transgender. Trying to argue that they are or are not a certain gender may not be helpful to them as it might just confuse them more. Talk to them, ask if they'd like to wear dresses, skirts etc and allow them to be themselves with no boundaries.
Hope this helps xoxo

"Him" not "them"

At the very least when giving advice can you please respect the pronouns he is currently using rather than introduce your own.

OP posts:
ImSweetEnoughDarlin · 26/03/2023 08:18

frenchnoodle · 10/01/2023 07:16

🤣 Flappy dinosaur

When he was a puppy thankfully it didn't last over 4 months. The fact it's on going for so long has me worried.

Show quote history

Someone at school is probably encouraging and reinforcing it. We all know their are lots of people with agendas in schools.

CreationNat1on · 26/03/2023 08:20

At 4 my son refused to answer to his name, would only respond to "baby fox", went on fir about a year, I remember running after him around tesco, saying baby fox come back!!! I also got some curious looks in the playground.

Lordofthebutterfloofs · 26/03/2023 08:26

It's OK op, I gave birth to a baby T-Rex apparently. Unless we are having a blue the velociraptor day.

It's been 4.5 years. Send help. RAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Lydiahateswashing · 26/03/2023 08:30

Likely just a phase. I personally wouldn’t make a big deal of it. My niece had a male alter ego for years - it ultimately went away of its own accord!

CreationNat1on · 26/03/2023 08:30

CreationNat1on · 26/03/2023 08:20

At 4 my son refused to answer to his name, would only respond to "baby fox", went on fir about a year, I remember running after him around tesco, saying baby fox come back!!! I also got some curious looks in the playground.

Actually DS1 was babycat,..... And ds2 copied and insisted he was a baby fox!!

Lordofthebutterfloofs · 26/03/2023 08:33

Did you just assume the op's gender @motherjulia86

MorehouseplantsPls · 26/03/2023 08:39

@frenchnoodle You really have my sympathy. Must be on your mind a lot. Have other family members noticed it? Grandparents etc?? And your other child. What are their thoughts.

Also, is he like it ALL the time or does it crop up, say once or twice a week?
xx

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 26/03/2023 09:05

When my nephew was 4 if you asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up, he'd say 'a girl'.

The reason was because he had 2 older sisters and he much preferred the colours of their clothes. The 'boys' clothes he had were all blue/brown/camouflage. We just allowed him to pick clothes with brighter colours.

Now age 22 he's a 6ft strapping young man with great dress sense and he's definitely not a girl.

BeatrixBella · 26/03/2023 11:13

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BeatrixBella · 31/03/2023 15:50

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Original poster
frenchnoodle · 02/04/2023 10:45

MorehouseplantsPls · 26/03/2023 08:39

@frenchnoodle You really have my sympathy. Must be on your mind a lot. Have other family members noticed it? Grandparents etc?? And your other child. What are their thoughts.

Also, is he like it ALL the time or does it crop up, say once or twice a week?
xx

It goes through phases sometimes everyday, multipul times a day for a month sometimes once or twice a week. But whenever asks he will always say "I'm a girl".

Other people have noticed his brother argues with him (I'm trying to stop this) everyone else ignores and doesn't make it an issue he can get attention from.

OP posts:
Leafstamp · 02/04/2023 19:04

I think you're doing the right things here OP - ie not turning it into a big issue or giving it much attention.

Not that I massively trust the NHS on this topic, but even they say you needn't take any action unless it's causing your child distress. Which I would say is appropriate and standard advice for all sorts of things that children present with, including gender confusion.

I'm hoping he is not distressed and is more a less a happy child.

machanicalmovement · 10/04/2023 21:38

I'm not sure there's much more you can do right now, just continue as you are.

Delphinium20 · 19/04/2023 02:36

My daughter - for a good year - said she was 10 when she was three. She really, really hated that she was 3 and wanted to be 10 like her babysitter's child who was really cool. She was angry when countered so we kinda ignored it and one day, it went away. However, no one else was affirming her age as 10...except a chuckle here or there when someone would ask her age, "How old are you, honey?"