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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Original poster

5 year old saying he's a girl?

181 replies

frenchnoodle · 10/01/2023 06:53

How best to deal with this, it is happening at home at school and started roughly 4 months ago, maybe a bit longer and at first everyone school included was treating it as a normal phase, to correct and ignore but although it's occasionally luled he's still insistent he's a girl.

What is the next step here?

OP posts:
Choconut · 20/01/2023 21:24

My niece was a boy for many years and chose a boys name to use on and off, we just went along with her a bit, didn't make much of it and she grew out of it, she just wanted to be like her brothers.

Adifferentangle · 20/01/2023 21:30

I haven't red all the posts but my friend's daughter wanted to be a boy. And called herself by a boy's name for YEARS. Friend was a hit unnerved but thought her DD liked the boys games so let her identify as a boy. She was known by the boy's name and had short hair for years. She's now back to being a girl.
She's been happy all the way through. I suspect just supporting rather than forcing he lps.
I also had a boy phase for almost a year as a 4 year old. Wore boys clothes and named myself a boys name. It wasn't a big deal in the 80s. I grew out of it.

Crozzlypocket · 20/01/2023 21:33

My DS was a 'girl' for about 3 years. First of all insistent he was a girl, then he would pretty much alternate until he was about 6 or.so Just a mixture of having no real concept of sex, that he liked having long hair so was frequently mistaken for a girl and his best friend was a girl. I just either part ignored it, part said 'ah that's nice', part corrected him and pointed out that he has a willy and only boys have willies 🤣 and part let his older sister take the piss a bit. He now of course realises he is a boy. He still has long hair. His best friend is still a girl and they play on the same rugby team. He still sometimes gets mistaken for a girl but he just bats it off and says some people are silly that they don't know that boys can have long hair and have girl and boy friends.

It's quite a good experience actually, having some mix ups over this stuff early on in life because it gives you the chance to meaningfully drive home the message that you are born the sex that you are and that boy/girl stereotypes are daft. I'm hoping it'll make him immune to the gender bullshit if it persists when he's older. Use it as a learning opportunity op!

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 20/01/2023 21:36

DS desperately wanted to be a pelican when he was 5. I didn't register him for beak augmentation or wing implants. Children are wonderfully fluid and these things happen. Let them be 🙏

CafeNervosa · 20/01/2023 21:50

My sister asked to be known as Fred for at least a year and had a bowl cut and wouldn’t wear dresses or skirts. I think she just preferred playing sports with the boys at break time. She just grew out of it when she was ready. No one made her feel bad, she was just allowed to explore to work out who she really was. I don’t think you need to do anything.

Original poster
frenchnoodle · 22/01/2023 08:33

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 20/01/2023 21:36

DS desperately wanted to be a pelican when he was 5. I didn't register him for beak augmentation or wing implants. Children are wonderfully fluid and these things happen. Let them be 🙏

Beak augmentation, I imagine that would result in a huge bill 😉

OP posts:
Blainesmaries · 22/01/2023 21:42

I think you are doing all you can do at this point.

Original poster
frenchnoodle · 23/01/2023 17:11

Thanks everyone, the thread has been very reassuring.

OP posts:
purpleboy · 23/01/2023 18:10

Sillea · 20/01/2023 20:32

Hi OP, first time poster, I came on and searched as I wanted to find parents who may be having the same experience as me.

My child first told us she was a girl not a boy when she was 3. We very much went with it being 'just a phase', we explained she was a boy and why and continued to refer to her as a boy whilst letting her be as she wanted to be.

As you can tell by my use of pronouns, we are now using female pronouns. It's been 3 years now, and she was getting upset when we used boy/male pronouns. Ot was pepbably only in the last year we made this change. She wears the girls uniform to school, plays with dinosaurs and will happily fight with her brother.

We have just kept it low key the entire time, at the base of it I just want my child to feel loved and accepted for who they are, whatever happens. All you can do os what feels right for you.

So your child is only 6 years old and you've already socially transitioned them?
I'm sorry I've no doubt this has been very hard for you, but I find that incredibly sad.
What's your plan for when they are older and expecting to use the girls changing rooms and toilets? What about overnight school trips?

Original poster
frenchnoodle · 23/01/2023 20:31

purpleboy · 23/01/2023 18:10

So your child is only 6 years old and you've already socially transitioned them?
I'm sorry I've no doubt this has been very hard for you, but I find that incredibly sad.
What's your plan for when they are older and expecting to use the girls changing rooms and toilets? What about overnight school trips?

Show quote history

It is hard, even in the short time I've been looking for support, the official advice everywhere seems to be pushing towards social transition. And the longer it continues the more likely it is.

I'm trying to walk a line but it's hard to know what is best, I can't speak for sillea but I wouldn't judge anyone in this situation.

OP posts:
Sillea · 23/01/2023 20:35

purpleboy · 23/01/2023 18:10

So your child is only 6 years old and you've already socially transitioned them?
I'm sorry I've no doubt this has been very hard for you, but I find that incredibly sad.
What's your plan for when they are older and expecting to use the girls changing rooms and toilets? What about overnight school trips?

Show quote history

You're right, it is hard, very hard. And it's not something we did on a whim, we talked to many people who had been through the same situation, either as parents or as transgender adults, in order to understand more.

Even if we didn't use the female pronouns she'd still want to wear a dress or skirt, and in the same way her older brother wears what he wants, I wouldn't stop her as I wouldn't stop him from wearing pink or choosing to wear a necklace. So yes we do use female pronouns, as not using them was causing her upset.

As for what will happen, who knows, she may turn around at some stage and say she's realised she is a boy and we'll go with it, and life may well be easier (or it may not) and she may not. And if not, then we'll cross those bridges when we need to, taking advice from those who have had to manage similar situations. We have regular conversations, she knows the situation and we talk all the time to make sure there's nothing missed.

midgetastic · 23/01/2023 22:15

Just be careful when you see advice to socially transition

Firstly by doing so you are reinforcing the idea that gender is real

And secondly the money is behind social
Transition as a soft drug to the hard stuff - medicated for life os the pharmaceutical wet dream

SnowWayOut · 23/01/2023 22:50

I've got a 5-year-old that is similar. I keep saying he can't be a girl, he'll always be a boy and that can't change, but he can do and wear what he likes.
He really wants to play with girls at school but at that age, they want to play with other girls so he's sad about that.
He wears a pink hat and scarf but I warned him that people might say not nice things about it, and just to say 'I don't care' or 'I like it' and he was happy with that. I just wanted him to have a reply ready in case someone was mean.
He's never asked but I wouldn't let him wear the girl's uniform anyway, he'll just be told 'boys wear this one and girls wear that one' if it comes up. He knows he doesn't always get to choose what he wears so it'll be nothing new. He can't wear shorts out in winter, he can't wear the girl's uniform at school. I don't plan to make a big issue about it, it's just the way it is.
Be wary of those that talk about social transition being harmless, it's absolutely not. Watch out for the useful idiots who will affirm him when he says he's a girl and be clear it can't happen.
I keep a close eye on the school to make sure he's not being taught that he could be born in the wrong body.

SNWannabe · 23/01/2023 23:06

who knows, she may turn around at some stage and say she's realised she is a boy and we'll go with it

How will they realise they’re a boy when you and the world are already agreeing they’re a girl? She was a baby at 3- your job was to guide her learning about the world, not confuse the hell out of her. What if she’d asked where her gills were and why she wasn’t a fish when she felt like one? Would you have been so quick to chuck her in the sea and met her “live” under water? FFS
It’s truly fucked up that the world has come to this at the age of bloody 6 years old. Jesus wept.

Thesonglastslonger · 23/01/2023 23:25

minisoksmakehardwork · 10/01/2023 07:51

Remind him that boys and girls can do anything they like. That you don't have to be a boy to like pink or a boy to like blue.

If you can, unpick why he thinks he might be a girl. In my experience, at that age females are primary carers for the majority and children spend most of their time with women - home, preschool, school, so they think if they like the same things, because of social stereotypes, then they must be female. Plus toy shops are full of gender stereotypes.

Give him healthy access to any toys or activities he wants to do and try and steer towards gender neutral colours for them so he doesn't get the message reinforced that X is for boys and Y is for girls.

It is much easier when children have opposite sex sibling close in age Ime as they all play with everything.

This

okumay · 24/01/2023 08:08

And what will you do if in his late teens or 20s he decides to transition after all?

Original poster
frenchnoodle · 24/01/2023 15:20

SnowWayOut · 23/01/2023 22:50

I've got a 5-year-old that is similar. I keep saying he can't be a girl, he'll always be a boy and that can't change, but he can do and wear what he likes.
He really wants to play with girls at school but at that age, they want to play with other girls so he's sad about that.
He wears a pink hat and scarf but I warned him that people might say not nice things about it, and just to say 'I don't care' or 'I like it' and he was happy with that. I just wanted him to have a reply ready in case someone was mean.
He's never asked but I wouldn't let him wear the girl's uniform anyway, he'll just be told 'boys wear this one and girls wear that one' if it comes up. He knows he doesn't always get to choose what he wears so it'll be nothing new. He can't wear shorts out in winter, he can't wear the girl's uniform at school. I don't plan to make a big issue about it, it's just the way it is.
Be wary of those that talk about social transition being harmless, it's absolutely not. Watch out for the useful idiots who will affirm him when he says he's a girl and be clear it can't happen.
I keep a close eye on the school to make sure he's not being taught that he could be born in the wrong body.

His school has been very supportive, is there anything I should specifically look out for?
Right now we are all ignoring it, just in case it's a reaction he wants and seem to be on the same page. Which sounds sensible to me. 🤷

OP posts:
youmustbemad · 24/01/2023 15:40

My son had a phase like this that lasted 18 months or two years - but he wasn't insisting he was a girl, he was insisting he was a lion. We kind of played along to an extent but CLEARLY we didn't socially transition him to lionhood, even if that did upset him. I definitely think carry on as you are - more than likely it'll pass.

Any parent who socially transitions and affirms the chosen of identity of a 5 year old is behaving in an appalling way. I get that trans people exist, and everyone should be treated with dignity and kindness, but transwomen are a sub-class of men, and transmen are a subclass of women and telling small children (or anyone) anything other than that is doing them a HUGE disservice, not to mention reinforcing regressive stereotypes.

Original poster
frenchnoodle · 25/01/2023 20:23

"he was insisting he was a lion. We kind of played along to an extent but CLEARLY we didn't socially transition him to lionhood, even if that did upset him.*
It would cause upROAR.....

OP posts:
Blainesmaries · 30/01/2023 08:24

okumay · 24/01/2023 08:08

And what will you do if in his late teens or 20s he decides to transition after all?

If he's trans now he he will be trans then, what harm will waiting do? It's sensible to wait until children are at an age they are better able to understand.

FrancescaContini · 30/01/2023 08:28

He’s not a girl. Neither is he a cat, parrot, snake, dinosaur etc. He can wear whatever he wants but he’ll always be a boy.

Where did he get this idea from? School?

kulemeteorite · 30/01/2023 08:34

midgetastic · 23/01/2023 22:15

Just be careful when you see advice to socially transition

Firstly by doing so you are reinforcing the idea that gender is real

And secondly the money is behind social
Transition as a soft drug to the hard stuff - medicated for life os the pharmaceutical wet dream

the money behind social transition? you mean like buying clothes?
also like. not tryna defend pharma companies or anything but from my healthcare plan (US) sublingual estradiol is around 10 dollars a month, and gray market stuff is similar. big pharma aint getting rich off trans women

Original poster
frenchnoodle · 30/01/2023 11:39

FrancescaContini · 30/01/2023 08:28

He’s not a girl. Neither is he a cat, parrot, snake, dinosaur etc. He can wear whatever he wants but he’ll always be a boy.

Where did he get this idea from? School?

I don't know where it's come from and so far I honestly think they've been very supportive so i have no cause for concern. I have asked several times on the thread how to find out if it's from the school though, but going at it as we are i have no worries.

OP posts:
FrancescaContini · 30/01/2023 11:42

kulemeteorite · 30/01/2023 08:34

the money behind social transition? you mean like buying clothes?
also like. not tryna defend pharma companies or anything but from my healthcare plan (US) sublingual estradiol is around 10 dollars a month, and gray market stuff is similar. big pharma aint getting rich off trans women

Show quote history

@kulemeteorite Your post is a bit hard to understand.

FrancescaContini · 30/01/2023 11:46

frenchnoodle · 30/01/2023 11:39

I don't know where it's come from and so far I honestly think they've been very supportive so i have no cause for concern. I have asked several times on the thread how to find out if it's from the school though, but going at it as we are i have no worries.

Show quote history

Surely you just get on with daily life?
He can no more be a girl than he can a cat.

School doesn’t need to “support” him. He’s there for an education, not to have adults discuss “identity” with him.

Get him busy with healthy outdoors activities rather than encouraging navel gazing. He’s five.