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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Original poster

5 year old saying he's a girl?

181 replies

frenchnoodle · 10/01/2023 06:53

How best to deal with this, it is happening at home at school and started roughly 4 months ago, maybe a bit longer and at first everyone school included was treating it as a normal phase, to correct and ignore but although it's occasionally luled he's still insistent he's a girl.

What is the next step here?

OP posts:
okumay · 19/01/2023 03:21

Please do not insist your child is a boy, if they are truly trans then that will make them feel awful especially as they grow older, simply observe and ask them how they feel.

Original poster
frenchnoodle · 19/01/2023 07:26

okumay · 19/01/2023 03:21

Please do not insist your child is a boy, if they are truly trans then that will make them feel awful especially as they grow older, simply observe and ask them how they feel.

Right, but do you have any actual advice on how to deal with this, "observe and ask how they feel" doesn't make much sense. Have you ever tried having a conversation with a 5 year old?

"I am a girl"
"How do you feel"
"Hungry, like a hot wheels car, can I have a snack."

He's 5.

OP posts:
Ciri · 19/01/2023 07:54

okumay · 19/01/2023 03:21

Please do not insist your child is a boy, if they are truly trans then that will make them feel awful especially as they grow older, simply observe and ask them how they feel.

Appalling advice

okumay · 20/01/2023 01:25

He is only 5 so why should you have to do anything, either he will grow out of it as you predict or there is more to it than that.

I say take a hands off approach because if you scare him into silence and worry by insisting he is wrong he won't feel comfortable talking to you about it, which means years might go by with him carrying that part of himself inside him shamefully.

You want your son to trust you, if you think you cant get anything that makes sense out of him at this stage then the best thing you can do is wait.

JennyWI · 20/01/2023 01:36

Just support him. Let him be who he wants. My cousin ( born girl) asked at 5 why she didn't have a willie.Willie.. at 7 insisted on boxer shorts and by 10 said she was not wearing girls clothes, at 15 she told us that he was born wrong, was a boy and wanted to be called Amadeus. He's now 22, happy and transitioning. Just offer support

Delectable · 20/01/2023 01:46

My dear friend's middle son beloved his a Transformer. He's really serious but she's not supposed to tell people he doesn't know. Only close friends and family members. He cries and acts like his big MI5 mission is being exposed if you mention it to someone he's not familiar with. If his parents, brothers or anyone wants to make him cry just say it's not true or it's not possible. He's 5 or so. He seems to really believe it.

Original poster
frenchnoodle · 20/01/2023 07:34

okumay · 20/01/2023 01:25

He is only 5 so why should you have to do anything, either he will grow out of it as you predict or there is more to it than that.

I say take a hands off approach because if you scare him into silence and worry by insisting he is wrong he won't feel comfortable talking to you about it, which means years might go by with him carrying that part of himself inside him shamefully.

You want your son to trust you, if you think you cant get anything that makes sense out of him at this stage then the best thing you can do is wait.

I don't "insist he is wrong" and I haven't predicted he will grow out of it. In fact I posted here because it hasn't been just a passing phase.

OP posts:
midgetastic · 20/01/2023 07:49

Hey I thought I was really a boy until may late teens

Mostly it was ignored but my dad did dig out suitable female role models and talked a lot about great scientific women from history for example . He helped me understand the mysogeny that led to people bullying me for being me was not my fault and people like that were not good people

Historicaly it is highly unusual for the feelings to persist and dominate /take over a child's life. As a teacher with 50 years experience my mam met one such child

The child need love and they need to know you love them as they are and that their sex doesn't matter to you and does not dictate anything about them apart from making babies - they can like pink , play with dolls, become a sahd, hate football - sex matters for none of that .

sevenoneseventhree · 20/01/2023 14:22

I think at this point it would be better to cautiously go along with it to be honest with you. By that I mean put your child in whatever clothes they want and let them play with whatever, but when the idea of being a girl is mentioned you need to explain that being born with a penis means you are seen as a boy, but being boys or girls doesn't stop us doing wearing or playing with things we find fun. Try not to constantly correct.

machanicalmovement · 20/01/2023 16:51

You do really need to check the school.

Lovinmyblanket · 20/01/2023 16:56

frenchnoodle · 20/01/2023 07:34

I don't "insist he is wrong" and I haven't predicted he will grow out of it. In fact I posted here because it hasn't been just a passing phase.

Show quote history

Four months? Do you know what a "passing phase" means?!
He might not grow out of it but I don't think you can have any idea after a few months

Original poster
frenchnoodle · 20/01/2023 17:06

Lovinmyblanket · 20/01/2023 16:56

Four months? Do you know what a "passing phase" means?!
He might not grow out of it but I don't think you can have any idea after a few months

Show quote history

Over 4 months to a 5 year old is quite a percentage of his life.

OP posts:
Yeahrightthen · 20/01/2023 17:07

Please do not insist your child is a boy

Why shouldn’t OP tell her son the truth? I think it would be very harmful to lie to him by pretending he’s a girl.

I would just go down the “that’s nice dear” route and ignore it. Don’t give it airtime - it’s possibly attention seeking as he senses it makes people uncomfortable or amuses/shocks his friends at school.

He’ll grow out of it hopefully and even if he doesn’t - he’ll have to come to terms with the fact that he can’t change sex eventually so why not start being honest with him at age 5?

Original poster
frenchnoodle · 20/01/2023 17:08

If this was a tic or a stammer I'd seek advice at this point. It's gone on for a long time, in comparison to his life.

Not that I should have to explain that, it's self explanatory.

OP posts:
Original poster
frenchnoodle · 20/01/2023 17:10

Yeahrightthen · 20/01/2023 17:07

Please do not insist your child is a boy

Why shouldn’t OP tell her son the truth? I think it would be very harmful to lie to him by pretending he’s a girl.

I would just go down the “that’s nice dear” route and ignore it. Don’t give it airtime - it’s possibly attention seeking as he senses it makes people uncomfortable or amuses/shocks his friends at school.

He’ll grow out of it hopefully and even if he doesn’t - he’ll have to come to terms with the fact that he can’t change sex eventually so why not start being honest with him at age 5?

Thanks, the general advice here is carry on as we are. Seems sensible enough.

OP posts:
Lovinmyblanket · 20/01/2023 17:30

frenchnoodle · 20/01/2023 17:08

If this was a tic or a stammer I'd seek advice at this point. It's gone on for a long time, in comparison to his life.

Not that I should have to explain that, it's self explanatory.

GP won't be interested in a tic that's gone on for less than 6 months, according to our neurologist anyway. And there isn't anything that could be done about it anyway, just like this really.

Original poster
frenchnoodle · 20/01/2023 17:36

Lovinmyblanket · 20/01/2023 17:30

GP won't be interested in a tic that's gone on for less than 6 months, according to our neurologist anyway. And there isn't anything that could be done about it anyway, just like this really.

Show quote history

Right, how informative....

When eldest had a Tic long tIerm tic with no change. I was told to keep a diary of any changes. But as you well know that's not relevent to the thread. Because as I said 4 months is a long time to a 5 year old.

And really let's be honest a thread where I'm worried about my baby probably isn't the best place for smart arses being pedantic.

OP posts:
Lovinmyblanket · 20/01/2023 17:57

You're being really nippy. Personal attacks aren't allowed on mumsnet.
i am pointing out that, although it feels it to you, 4 months is not a significant amount of time. I'm also pointing out this applies to lots of other things, including your (not mine) example of taking a child to the doctor with a tic. (Your medical experience of that differs from mine - we were told to not draw attention to it; try to ignore it).

frenchnoodle · 20/01/2023 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Lovinmyblanket · 20/01/2023 18:31

I'll leave you to your own devices OP, I don't want to report your post when you clearly are worrying about your kid and that might be making you, well, rude.

RaininginDarling · 20/01/2023 18:32

Bar the odd one (there's always one), it's refreshing to see sensible advice around this. Your DS will likely grow out of it. He may grow up gay as many gay people are gnc as children. What he isn't is the opposite sex. It's okay to like and be enthused by interests and things considered girl stuff as a boy and vice versa. How depressing that we have to reiterate that these days.

You sound like a sensible and playful mum. Do check what the school is teaching though and make sure they're not filling his head with regressive ideas around gender performance. Safe Schools Alliance is a good website for information on some of the propaganda passing for education these days. It's all very regressive and homophobic. The schools seem to have outsourced RSE materials to activist groups with zero oversight.

As an aside. I used to look after a wee girl who thought she was Barney the Dinosaur. This went on for a whole year, she was 5 at the time. At no point did we call the Natural History Museum but we did have to let her wear her BtD pyjamas everywhere for months or we'd never have got out the house.

QuinkWashable · 20/01/2023 19:09

My youngest was insistent he was an Alien for a good 2 years when he was this age (he had an impressive back story and everything, to the extent that when he went to school, I was called in for an awkward chat)

A couple of years later and we're not allowed to mention it because it's too embarrassing for him (even though I actually found his dedication and detail impressive, and have told him so)

I wouldn't encourage or discourage, just mildly indulge until he moves onto something else.

Oh, and if dressing is a thing, I have pictures of mine in a fairy costume, with his fellow nursery students (boys and girls) in fairy costumes (they were given free range, and most of the boys picked sparkly/floaty - there's one boy and one girl in super-hero costume) - they're playing.

Sillea · 20/01/2023 20:32

Hi OP, first time poster, I came on and searched as I wanted to find parents who may be having the same experience as me.

My child first told us she was a girl not a boy when she was 3. We very much went with it being 'just a phase', we explained she was a boy and why and continued to refer to her as a boy whilst letting her be as she wanted to be.

As you can tell by my use of pronouns, we are now using female pronouns. It's been 3 years now, and she was getting upset when we used boy/male pronouns. Ot was pepbably only in the last year we made this change. She wears the girls uniform to school, plays with dinosaurs and will happily fight with her brother.

We have just kept it low key the entire time, at the base of it I just want my child to feel loved and accepted for who they are, whatever happens. All you can do os what feels right for you.

Leah5678 · 20/01/2023 21:00

It should be as simple as telling him boys are boys and girls are girls and they can play with and like what they want but That you cant change your sex/gender.
If he's still insisting he is a girl you need to consider that school may be filling his head with bs.

UncleQuentinsWife · 20/01/2023 21:13

'Simply observe'

How is that going to work in practical terms? No talking to your own child for a decade?

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